Partner Gives Me Smaller Portions At Dinner?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I’m uncomfortable even writing this as I’ve had mental health issues with food for years (treated with therapy and medication) and I still sometimes feel a bit off talking about the amount of food I’m eating, but I need to say something.

I’m sure that when my partner makes us dinner, he gives himself a bigger portion. I know you can think “fair enough, men eat more” but he tends to usually leave some food where as I’ll not feel full and I’m hungry again an hour later. Sometimes I end up eating the food he’s left and everything.

I’ve said this to him before that he’s not making enough food when he cooks. My Mam had been over for dinner a couple of times and said to me she was hungry after his meals, which is what led me to noticing that he was giving her less food too. He said he’d make more food and for a while, I was full after meals but now I’m just not anymore.

Often it’s dishes like pasta and rice where it’s hard to say “you have more food than me,” but I’m sure he does. Other times it’s outright obvious, like he’ll buy a pack of seven drumsticks and give himself four. I just feel uncomfortable saying anything because I feel like I’m literally taking food from him if I pull him up at dinner and then I worry he’ll be hungry.

I just don’t know what to do. He does most of the cooking as he works less hours than I do. I’m struggling with the idea of saying to him “I feel like you give me less food than you have,” and we’ve discussed how he needs to make more food already. I’m upset even thinking about having this conversation as talking about how much I eat is difficult for me the past couple of months as I’ve gained a lot of weight (I developed a habit of snacking on junk after dinner as I was hungry!). I just don’t know what to do.

Dial Hard

This is a bit of a difficult one, tbh. Is he giving you smaller portions because he's noticed you've put on weight? Because he knows you've had previous food issues? Because he assumes he has the bigger appetite??? Who knows, certainly no-one here does. You need to speak to him about it.

What I will say is that if you have had food issues before then it's very possible that you're examining the portions and imputing intent where none existed. For example, the drumsticks - in a case where there's seven between two people someone had to get three as opposed to four.

Also, if your mother feels the same, maybe he just doesn't do the same portion sizes as your family. My sister eats like a bird and would think nothing of inviting six or seven people over for a dinner that was originally designed to feed four because a tiny portion is all she'd eat anyway. It genuinely wouldn't cross her mind that other people might want more.

Alternatively, maybe he's just *really* bad at divvying out portions. I've a friend who can't portion by eye at all, she literally has to do a ladle per plate and keep repeating in order until the pot is empty, otherwise there'll be two huge portions, one small one and one scrap.

Anyway, your choices here are pretty clear to me and they are any or a combination of the following:

1. Speak to your boyfriend

2. Take on more of the cooking duties

3. Have a very honest conversation with yourself about whether you genuinely need bigger portions or just want them. I don't say this last to be a bitch but a lot of people have *seriously* skewed ideas of what portions sizes should be.

Best of luck.

joeguevara

Ok, this is a tough one. Is he being conscious of food issues and trying in a clumsy way to be respectful.

I note you say that you are hungry an hour later and finish leftovers. Are you full after dinner but hungry after? That his means it isn’t his portions.

It needs a conversation but not one on blame. He seems a good guy and it is difficult for him to know what to do or say so lead it.

ted1

I wish my partner would do this to me!! As a nation we over eat and our portions are generally too big

woodchuck

I agree with a lot of what Dial Hard said.

Just to add another possible practical solution: just because he cooks, does he have to be the one to serve? If you're the one serving up the food, you'll have more control over what goes on your plate. Just a thought... it sounds like there's enough food being cooked, but he's getting more than he needs if he has leftovers.

LolaJJ

Is it possible that he just really enjoys having a massive portion of food? Even if he doesn't finish it, maybe he just assumes you wouldn't want that much?

As someone who is also in long-term recovery from food issues and does most of the cooking I always naturally give myself small-portions because my bf has a good 5 stone on me. I hate the big portions he serves up because I have a terrible tendency to finish all that's on my plate.

What I mean is, where food issues exist, they don't really go away and it leads to a weird hyper-sensitivity around food. Other peoples thoughtless actions can cause paranoia or offence and they just aren't really aware at all that they are doing something wrong.

I'm not sure how much your partner knows about your past relationships with food but it's also possible he thinks he is helping?

Would it be possible to make a joke of it? "Am I on a diet?" or "Jaysus, look at your plate and look at mine, are you trying to tell me something?"

You know what level of wit is appropriate but you should be able to gauge pretty quickly from his reaction

Xterminator

HI OP

how would you share 7 drumsticks? you cant halve them you know!

As mentioned you prepare and serve half the meals you will get more control over portions. If he blatantly makes one bigger than the other call him out on it (every time). "Ah your plate looks better than mine and i'm starving, lets swop plates". If you call him consistently he will get the message.

Before I even write this, I know it's at least possible someone reading it will take offense, but I'm writing for the OP's benefit and not just to 'side' with someone. I'm writing from the perspective of someone who's married a long time to a partner who had very real problems with food, resulting at one point in hospitalisation as a consequence of their disorder. Thankfully it's in the past, but not forgotten, nor should it be.

So, here's my take on it.

Half the problem here is that you're focusing on how much food he puts on his own plate, which is hardly anything but a distraction from the real issue. As for what your mother says, so what? Comparing how much food you have compared to someone else isn't necessarily a healthy thing to do at all, and I'm guessing you know this already. Indeed, eating half the food prepared for dinner is not a sensible thing to do either.

Stop looking at his plate and start looking at your own, what you're eating and when you're eating. If you're actually hungry an hour after dinner, why? I can eat a mountain of pasta on a plate, feel totally bloated and still get hunger pangs. Should I eat more? Should my wife eat more? Should I cook more? She's not hungry, so was it enough? I'm still hungry and she didn't finish half the pot of pasta, of that I'm certain, so should I eat what she didn't?

It's simple: You either have too little, enough or too much. Half the pot is unlikely to be any of those things with any consistency.

It's also entirely unreasonable to be blaming your partner for you being hungry. As it would be to blame them for you gaining/losing weight. You're an adult, which means it's up to you to eat what's appropriate at appropriate times. It's not his fault, responsibility nor is it under his control.

Now I'm not saying he's nothing to do with it, but from 15 years of experience dealing with this personally, I can tell you that this only works if you look after it yourself. If you're hungry, and you didn't actually eat enough (as opposed to eating too much of the wrong things) then have something else if the pot is empty. That doesn't have to be junk food. That's your decision to make. Buy some fruit. Scramble an egg and cook it in the microwave. Muesli and yoghurt. Something. Focusing on how he divides 7 chicken drumsticks by 2 isn't going to fix this.

I'd also suspect, and I say this in all sincerity, that if your diet's consisting of rice, pasta and your portion sizing is 3+ chicken drumsticks, you could do a lot better for yourself and not feel hungry like this by changing it. I can't tell you what to change, but you can ask for help from a nutritionist as you no doubt are aware to help yourself eat healthily.

I'm able to eat crap if I want. I'll gain weight, feel like crap, be hungry for no good reason, feel stuffed when I haven't provided adequate nutrition in my consumption. It's all up to me. At the same time my wife consumes fruit, vegetables, nuts, seeds, fish and so on at a rate that would turn my stomach, has bundles of energy and she would never even think about how much of anything I have on my plate compared with hers. She knows it's up to her to be healthy and eat well, not me. For a time she ate what I cooked and dished up and she suffered as a result. I didn't force her and it was up to her to draw the line and take control over what/when/how much she ate.

Look closer at what you're doing with food before nitpicking over how much he puts on your plate and I think you'll find there's an awful lot you could do yourself and that if you did, this wouldn't even be an issue.

Not being personal about this, but I'd also suggest that if you've issues with portion sizes and your mother's taking your side, there's more to that too. This is all about self control, so take some and stop looking at what others are doing around you.

Take it or leave it, but it's honest and fair advice. Read it again if your blood's boiling, as that's not the intention. Good luck anyway, mind yourself and keep working at the healthy eating.

LolaJJ

JayZeus wrote: »

Before I even write this, I know it's at least possible someone reading it will take offense, but I'm writing for the OP's benefit and not just to 'side' with someone.

The OP has stated that they previously suffered mental issues around food.

We don't know whether that was over eating or under eating, anorexia binge eating, bulimia or food dependency, or BDD"

As a former sufferer of pretty much all-of-the-above at some stage or another where I ended up in a rehabilitation facility.

I think without understanding the full range of disorders and how they differently impact people it's impossible to give advice.

I spent my first 3 years of recovery about 2 stone underweight because I had a fear of eating. In that scenario a partner who continued to underfeed me would have been incredibly destructive, especially if I actually wanted to eat more...

Like you, I have no idea of the residual impact of the OP's ED but some of your points are irresponsible and offensive in certain scenarios.

strandroad

HungryForMore wrote: »

Often it’s dishes like pasta and rice where it’s hard to say “you have more food than me,” but I’m sure he does. Other times it’s outright obvious, like he’ll buy a pack of seven drumsticks and give himself four.

How else would you divide food between a man and a woman? I'm not sure what the problem is exactly - do you expect to eat as much as a man does?

Whoever is cooking in our house always asks the other person to say how much they want to have so perhaps introduce that. But still my portions end up noticeably smaller than his portions; I would think it's quite natural?

LolaJJ

LolaJJ wrote: »

The OP has stated that they previously suffered mental issues around food.

We don't know whether that was over eating or under eating, anorexia binge eating, bulimia or food dependency, or BDD"

As a former sufferer of pretty much all-of-the-above at some stage or another where I ended up in a rehabilitation facility.

I think without understanding the full range of disorders and how they differently impact people it's impossible to give advice.

I spent my first 3 years of recovery about 2 stone underweight because I had a fear of eating. In that scenario a partner who continued to underfeed me would have been incredibly destructive, especially if I actually wanted to eat more...

Like you, I have no idea of the residual impact of the OP's ED but some of your points are irresponsible and offensive in certain scenarios.

No matter what the particular disorder, if it's a diagnosed disorder as it could just as easily be consistently poor habits around food, the common requirement is that you develop a healthy approach to food. Blaming others for persisting with poor food related practices/habits is entirely counterproductive.

If you want to/need to eat more, eat more. If you should be eating less, it's up to you to eat less. It's not up to your partner to 'feed you' correctly. If that's where you're at, you'd be selfish to lay that on your partner in the first place and he'd be a fool to enable you.

My points are far from irresponsible. None of us here can change what the OP eats, how much, what and when. She's focusing on her partner giving her smaller portions at dinner. If she wants/needs more, she needs to determine based on sound professional guidance (which the therapy/medication reference would suggest she's had) what she needs to be doing and do it herself.

Making this about her partner is deflecting responsibility and seeking to blame someone else for her own failure to do what she needs to do for herself, first and foremost.

If that offends, well, that's just tough. This is serious stuff, with or without a past or present eating disorder and unless her partner is actually controlling by physical/financial means her ability to eat, she needs to deal with it herself. Focusing on how much of a pot of pasta or how many chicken drumsticks he eats is a waste of energy and focus.

I understand this is going to cut close to the bone for some people who read this, but I'm not wrong in what I'm writing. We are each personally responsible for doing what we do to prepare meals, how much we eat and when we eat. She's not a child. He's not her keeper, her feeder or her jailor. So don't be taking offence over it. The OP needs to remove her focus from her partner and hold herself accountable for her own meals. If she needs help with that personal accountability side of things, she has access to professional resources to support and guide her.

LolaJJ

I completely understand what you are saying JayZeus....I actually agree with a lot of it.

My point is that we don't actually know what way OP's food issues manifested, or how long she is in recovery, or if her partner is even aware that she even had food issues.

I would consider myself as recovered as I will ever be, and take full responsibility for my own food decisions. But I encounter triggers pretty much every meal. They are very easy to manage now and I wouldn't dare share this with anyone close to me as I would feel like I was causing unnecessary worry.

It's not a "blame-game". My colleagues regularly bring in sweets and biscuits, I know I shouldn't eat them, sometimes I do and it doesn't cause me any huge issue other than the immediate regret and weight-gain fear for 3+ days afterwards. You, or someone with similar views would probably see that as me not being fully recovered. But for me, in previous times, a biscuit would have led to me heading over to tesco, locking myself in a room, eating 10,000 calories and then violently purging until I saw blood. I'd then go for a run and starve myself for 3 days. So, it's as well as I can ever hope to be.

It's not helpful that people bring treats in to work but it's totally normal as my colleagues don't know my history and shouldn't be expected to behave any differently even if they did know.

I will always have to watch myself, always. That gets easier with time but for a good while I was really very dependent on the people around me to understand what was going on. I appreciate you have second hand experience in this area but unless you have actually been through it yourself it's very hard to understand the mindset.

My point is, we don't know and telling someone with food issues, even in recovery to take responsibility is like telling an alcoholic to drink one glass of wine a day and know that they have had enough. What you are describing is very long-term recovery, which is great, but I have never met one person in recovery from food-issues who could do everything you have suggested and not have an internal struggle with some of it. Externally yea, we all say we are permanently cured because we've hurt our loved ones enough. Internally, nope, and the moment you think you are better, that's the moment you are screwed, part of the disorder is acknowledging it, daily.

Mr. Incognito

Can you not simply take responsibility for cooking your own food?

I have done this in the past where my partner was a vegetarian.

Neyite

Ask him to make extra at each meal? It may be that he hates food going to waste. Then you have the option of a second portion or to bring leftovers in for lunch the next day. The other way that you could add more to your dinner so you feel full is to have bread or some sort of pudding or a salad.


It also may be that he thinks he's helping you with your food issues. Does he understand them fully and how best to help you with them?



I think straight but diplomatic talking is the only way to go.

Lollipops23

OP I've had the opposite problem with my OH- I'm his first serious relationship and I don't think it ever occurred to him that women generally eat less than men! I was constantly faced with a mountain of food on my plate (to match his) until we moved in together and I explained it to him. Now my plate has roughly 2/3 what he has.

Perhaps he had a previous partner who had a similar chat with him?

meeeeh

OP,

I actually don't think you can get specific advice over the internet about your issues. Even if we had all the information eating disorders are incredibly complicated and should be dealt with by professionals.

On average men need more calories than women (I presume you are a woman) so your partner having bigger portion shouldn't be an issue by itself. Is it possible that you are implying controlling behavior from your partner or that he intentionally is portioning your food for some reason? I think you should talk to a gp or a dietitian, somebody who is aware of your previous health issues, discuss your current portion sizes and eating habits and come up with a plan of how much, when and what you should be eating. Or listen to any other advice they might give you. But I think you first need to evaluate you eating habits in isolation from your partner and then after you establish what your food needs are talk to him and make sure that your portions reflect that.

SozBbz

This is tricky OP, and whilst being respectful of your issues, you're laying a lot of blame (and giving a lot of power) at your partners feet.

You need to be able to talk to him about this - as an adult its fundamentally your responsibility to control your own portions.

I do more of the cooking in my household - as a woman I struggle with my weight, and my partner has a very high metabolism. When we first moved in together and ate the same, i gained weight. We also adopted some habbits that turned out not to be good for my waistline, (evening snacking on "grown up" snacks - hummous wtih bread and a drizzle of olive oil, nice cheeses with crackers, wine etc) and while it was great at the time, I couldnt really take the extra calories and it started to show. I had to be straight with him that a habit hat was doing me no good had to stop. He now knows to have a big lunch or whatever to ensure he gets enough during the day without putting unnecessary temptation in my path.

I portion out our dinners, and its always roughly a 60/40 split. I know he needs more food than me. I cook big, healthy, wholesome dinners, but portion my rice, pasta etc. Sometimes he's still hungry and he can just have a snack later on.

GingerLily

The average man needs more calories a day then the average female, unless you actually require more calories a day then him getting "the bigger half" when making dinners is probably normal and the right way to go about things.



I like to serve the food though with my husband there, ask him how much he wants and make sure we keep enough for leftovers or lunches etc. Or I'd serve a small portion and leave seconds in the pot for whoevers hungry.

Is it the portioning or the control that you have the most issues with?

Yellow pack crisps

just tell him out straight you’re putting on weight because the portion size is not filling you up and you’re hungry an hour later and getting into a bad habit of snacking on junk food. He may not realise he is even doing and is eating with his eyes and not his belly.

Plus you might want to consider eating more throughout the day but obviously smaller portions. If you ate 25% more of a portion at dinner time would it really be enough to make you feel satisfied for the night? Or would you still snack on junk food maybe two hours after? I’m honestly not being judgemental here but I’ve found I’m not hungry after 7pm these days because o eat smaller but more regularly through out the day.

miezekatze

That's a tough one, but I think you probably need to discuss this with him and explain that you often find yourself snacking in between meals as you're not full.

Women do generally need less food than men, that's probably why he gives you less. I do all the cooking in our house and I try to give my husband about a quarter or third or so more than my portion for each meal. I didn't do this when we first moved in together and found myself gaining a good bit of weight as my portions were just too big. It's hard to get this right.

Oryx

If youre snacking and putting on weight, then youre eating too much. Its your choice to snack on junk food, not your partners,and you need to take responsibility for that. Choose better snacks, rather than making it his fault.

You said yourself you have had issues with food, and it may be you need to work more on them, as the whole situation you describe is not indicative of someone at ease with food.

ginandtonicsky

The two strongest symptoms I recall during all the years I suffered with eating disorders were the extreme stress/irritation at the drop of a hat over even the most trivial of food matters and the projection on the people around me.

Any perceived lack of control would send me into a wild panic and the blame game would start, whether it was my poor mother "trying to make me fat" or the people around me "staring at me eating" or whatever. You project, project, project, and avoid taking personal responsibility at all costs. And it's exhausting for the people around you.

Blaming your partner for these perceived smaller portions and allowing it to become a major issue in your head rather than addressing it head-on I would classify as being a symptom. It's pretty normal for men to eat more, any partner I've had would always have heaped his plate up more than mine, if I was left wanting it was on me to speak up and make sure my nutritional needs were met.

Many of us on this thread obviously understand how complicated, difficult and mind-bogglingly stubborn disordered thinking surrounding food can be, but if you're struggling to address a not-uncommon behaviour by your partner that is pretty fixable by many means (communicate more clearly, do your own cooking, take over the portioning duties) and are finding yourself resorting to binging junk food instead, it's time to deal with these issues with a qualified professional.

HelgaWard

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Blaming your partner for these perceived smaller portions and allowing it to become a major issue in your head rather than addressing it head-on I would classify as being a symptom. It's pretty normal for men to eat more, any partner I've had would always have heaped his plate up more than mine, if I was left wanting it was on me to speak up and make sure my nutritional needs were met.

Totally agree with this, and the poster who said just because your husband does the cooking doesn't mean he has to dish up too. Regardless of whether myself or my husband dished up dinner, if I was still hungry when I finished my first lot, I'd just go up to the cooker and help myself to more. Also if you think your dinners are not filling you, you could batch cook some soup to have as a starter and then have something like melon as a dessert and all of this should satisfy you.

If you are not currently attending counselling, it might be a good idea to do this, or if you are attending tell your counselor about this issue.

Emme

OP do you ever cook for your partner? He sounds like he's serving up the cheapest nutrient empty food possible - pasta and rice. Does he serve any vegetables or protein with that? Nutrient empty food will leave you feeling hungry about 2 hours later no matter how much of it you eat. It will also leave you feeling "hangry".

I agree that men need more food because of size. However that is no excuse for him to serve you what he thinks you should have and no more. I think his issues are down to lack of knowledge about nutrition rather than control but sometimes women with eating disorders (active or in remission) attract partners with controlling issues.

I had an eating disorder in my teens and got it under control in my early 20s. I met a man when I was 26 and we moved in together after less than a year (he had wanted me to move in after 2 months). When we met first he told me I was too thin at 8 stone 7. I went up to 9 stone 3 when I was living with him (both weights were within a healthy range for me) and he told me I was too fat. When we moved in he got very controlling about what I ate, he would eat bars of chocolate and not offer me any. But if I refused to eat dessert when we had friends over for dinner he gave out to me. He was controlling in other ways too. My eating disorder came back with a vengeance and once he found out about it he threw me out. In a way it was my own fault. Like many people who develop eating disorders I was not very good at standing up for myself and I let him bully me.

Are you good at standing up for yourself in this relationship? You can do it in a nice way. You also need to take the initative and cook yourself a few nights a week.

Your partner may need to learn about proper nutrition. Buy him a healthy cookbook - not a fad "keto" or "paleo" one but a cookbook which focuses on proper nutritional meals. He needs to provide protein with each meal - for example chicken or fish. Lean whole chicken or fish is better than in a sauce. An ideal protein size is the size of the palm of your hand. For example you could have a breast of chicken, two portions of vegetables and a side of rice or pasta for dinner. If you have enough vegetables you won't need the carbs (pasta and rice). Chicken drumsticks are not a good source of protein if they are fried.

Better still you take control of dinner and cook for a change. Cook a proper nutritional meal with protein and vegetables and cut back on the carbs. You will feel fuller for longer and feel better overall.

Counselling might help but eating properly will help your mood in the meantime.

Dial Hard

Emme wrote: »

OP do you ever cook for your partner? He sounds like he's serving up the cheapest nutrient empty food possible - pasta and rice. Does he serve any vegetables or protein with that?

He needs to provide protein with each meal - for example chicken or fish. Lean whole chicken or fish is better than in a sauce.

Better still you take control of dinner and cook for a change. Cook a proper nutritional meal with protein and vegetables .

In fairness, I don't think anyone actually thinks for a second the man is dishing up plates of plain pasta or rice on their own.

SozBbz

Dial Hard wrote: »

In fairness, I don't think anyone actually thinks for a second the man is dishing up plates of plain pasta or rice on their own.

I agree, I didnt take the OP's post to mean that her partner was serving up meals of purely pasta or rice, merely meals involving pasta or rice.

Actually having read over it again, I think its plausible that her partner is acting innocently enough here. Theres no sign of any of the controlling behaviors that some people are mentioning in their own experience (not to say they're definitely not controlling, but we've not been given evidence of such). Clearly the OP has an issue and either needs to articulate it to her partner and make practical changes or seek some help to be able to do so.

I do think perhaps some posters are projecting their own experience onto the OP without the evidence being there to support it.

porsche boy

Didn't read all the comments but, how about serving yourself from the pot etc.

oil painting

HungryForMore wrote: »

Hi,

I’m uncomfortable even writing this as I’ve had mental health issues with food for years (treated with therapy and medication) and I still sometimes feel a bit off talking about the amount of food I’m eating, but I need to say something.

I’m sure that when my partner makes us dinner, he gives himself a bigger portion. I know you can think “fair enough, men eat more” but he tends to usually leave some food where as I’ll not feel full and I’m hungry again an hour later. Sometimes I end up eating the food he’s left and everything.

I’ve said this to him before that he’s not making enough food when he cooks. My Mam had been over for dinner a couple of times and said to me she was hungry after his meals, which is what led me to noticing that he was giving her less food too. He said he’d make more food and for a while, I was full after meals but now I’m just not anymore.

Often it’s dishes like pasta and rice where it’s hard to say “you have more food than me,” but I’m sure he does. Other times it’s outright obvious, like he’ll buy a pack of seven drumsticks and give himself four. I just feel uncomfortable saying anything because I feel like I’m literally taking food from him if I pull him up at dinner and then I worry he’ll be hungry.

I just don’t know what to do. He does most of the cooking as he works less hours than I do. I’m struggling with the idea of saying to him “I feel like you give me less food than you have,” and we’ve discussed how he needs to make more food already. I’m upset even thinking about having this conversation as talking about how much I eat is difficult for me the past couple of months as I’ve gained a lot of weight (I developed a habit of snacking on junk after dinner as I was hungry!). I just don’t know what to do.

This is crazy! Hes controlling your dinner every day, and not even asking you what you want???

Your pattern is food control, you controlled it before if you had some issues around it and now you have given the control to him and your back living in fear of food. If you were underweight before when you were in control of your food and now you are becoming overweight because he controls what you eat then you need some help to find your balance with it. There must be a lot of shame and fear around this subject for you which is why it is so hard to talk about it. And you seem to afraid to tell him because you think its silly but this is starting to consume you. If you feel you are not alone and can understand whats going on a bit more it might help.