Uncomfortable with gifts

LegacyUser

Well, uncomfortable might be understating things a bit.

I grew up in a poor household. For a long time, we never had much, and what we did have was hard earned by my single mother. Although things improved over the years and we got out of poverty, we never had a lot of money. Things are struggle for my extended family too. As a result, it was always in the back of my mind that any sort of expensive gift I received took a lot of saving, and probably required some sacrifice of something else. As a result, I was always very, very grateful to get anything, but there was always a certain amount of guilt attached.

There are quite a number of people in my life (abnormally so) that have used kindness such as gifts and help to excuse treating me and my family poorly, and in some cases emotionally abuse us. Some of these people are family, and others are not people to cut contact with easily. One family member insists on helping with many things, and expects a massive amount of praise and gushing in return, even if that help was not asked for or wanted. For example, they might mop the already mopped floors while you are out, and expect you to be acting grateful for the next few hours. If you aren't, they get very angry and stroppy. Small things, but they have gotten exhausting over the years, especially coupled with everything else.

My father was always difficult to get any support from. Anything he did, regardless if it was considered within a normal range of parenthood (bought some clothes, contributed to the cost of school books), he made sure everyone knew it. He was always trying to get out of paying child support and although my mother wouldn't bring it up, when you grow up with so little money anyway, you can't help but notice. I would have to stop lessons in my hobby, or dinner would get very basic. He, and then his new partner, would always try and paint my mother as a money grabbing cow. In fact, his new partner was considerably worse than my father for rubbing it in when he did something that any other father would consider normal. She was, and still is, a toxic woman who used any reason to belittle my mother. I cut contact with them several years ago.

Another family member who we cannot cut ties with is abusive and horrid. It took many years to see that he wasn't just ignorant, but there was a manipulative streak hidden beneath a disguise of ignorance. By that time he had a firm enough hold. Anything he did and gave was held over people like a carrot. When we stopped engaging with him, he started targeting extended family and family friends to use as blackmail on us. I would give more specific examples but I don't want to be too easily recognized. There are complicated reasons outside of the blackmail that we cannot cut ties with him, although we do our best to ignore him.

A friend of mine has a disability. It doesn't infringe too much on their life, but in the places it does, such as outside work, I had always given a hand. They can do the work themselves, but it's done faster and better when I do it. I've been doing this for about 15 years now. However, this friend in recent times, has become really quite controlling. They get upset if I don't speak to them frequently. When I visit, it is never a quick visit as they keep giving me jobs to do so I don't leave. I am juggling a huge amount in my personal life and so my time is really limited, but this is not something they understand or seem to particularly care about. When I tried to explain that I wouldn't be about as often, they accused me of giving up on them. They won't give me a lot of the tools I need because "they're too dangerous", and they have really knocked the confidence from me in other aspects of life. I really want to leave, but nobody else sees this side of them. I am facing huge condemnation from people because of "all they do for me". They give me the odd few euro for helping, they make sure I'm fed, they have stood up for me and speaks highly of me to people (probably a little too much). This is what other people see.

There are other examples, but they are a little too identifying. My biggest problem is my reaction to getting gifts and help. It makes my uncomfortable for little things, and I get anxiety attacks with bigger things. My partner likes to show affection by buying things, and whilst I am very, very grateful and I know there is no malice attached to them, I can't help feeling awful whenever I get something. I can't help but feeling like I'm being ungrateful by not feeling happy to get things, and that makes the anxiety worse. Logically, I know he's not going to use these gifts against me, but this logic hasn't sunk deep enough into my subconscious to lessen the panic. There's always a part of me that weighs up how much of a hold this gives him over me. I am trying to seek help for this, but as my partner is constantly buying things, such as shopping or cinema tickets, it's very very difficult to tackle it. I have tried explaining to him how I felt, and why but he doesn't understand and thinks I'm over-reacting.
He recently paid for a holiday for both of us to an amazing place, but while I know this is a lovely thing to do in most of circumstances, I would rather he didn't. I realise this makes me sound awful, but it's torn me in two ever since and it's something I'm really struggling with. On one hand, it's somewhere both of us really want to go, and I know he can afford to take both of us. On the other hand, I'm riddled with guilt and panic, and then feeling bad for not being completely delighted. I think it would be different if I had something to give back, but I don't.

Is there any way of asking him to stop buying me things without sounding very ungrateful? I am aware that this is my own issue, but I don't think it's something I could overcome while this self-inflicted debt is mounting up. Is this even something I should ask, or is it unfair on him?

Xterminator

Hi Op

you could explain your personal situation with your partner and set guideline around what makes you uncomfortable and what you would find acceptable.

But i would first recommend your seeing a CBT therapist to address you insecurities and reaction to the gifts. Because what your partner is doing is not wrong. And the problem here isn't the gifts its your reaction to them, as i'm sure you already know.

But if you were to sit down with your partner after a couple of CBT sessions and say iam & have been working on this, and its a work in progress but could we agree to do xxxxx in future, im sure you would not come across as ungrateful. I'm sure he would be agast if he knew his actions were causing you guilt and pain, but by going the therapy route i think you would be showing him, its something that affects you, you are working on it, and hopefully its wont be a permanent situation.

Finally perhaps you would feel better if you could encourage him to make these decisions as a couple rather than him going solo, and then presenting it as a gift? would that help with that approach or do you think you would feel guilt regardless?

seamus

I concur with Xterminator. If your partner has said you're over-reacting, that basically means that he hasn't grasped just how much of an issue it is for you.

It does seem likely that your upbringing has conditioned you somewhat to think that all gifts come with strings attached, and thus receiving a gift is a source of anxiety for you - you feel like you need to repay it, and it ends up hanging over your head.

As above, some CBT or other form of counselling would be a good start to try and work through this, and learn to accept gifts without feeling the need to respond.

Fundamentally you need to learn to accept that the very nature of a gift means that it doesn't require repayment. And if the gifter isn't happy with this, then it wasn't a gift to begin with.

You might get your boyfriend to stop buying you things so it doesn't upset you. But what happens if/when you get married, and/or have kids and/or buy a house? Not necessarily with this guy, but anyone? Every time he comes home with a takeaway or a bottle of wine are you going to be adding another item to the scoreboard that needs to be repaid? You can't live like that. You need to deal with your issues around receiving gifts.

Your friend with the disability I feel is a slightly separate issue, but not that much. You're too nice, you're not assertive enough. Like the gift-giving, you're afraid of doing or saying anything that might cause someone to dislike you or be annoyed at you. This is very normal, but to the extent where you allow yourself be used as a doormat, then you need to work on that. Again, counselling is the way to go. If you're more self-confident then you won't worry quite so much about pleasing other people at your own expense.

LegacyUser

Thank you for taking the time to reply!

I am going to counselling and we have briefly touched on it. However, I was there for more than that. I've had quite an eventful life, and this is mild on the grand scheme of things, and so it wasn't fully addressed. There is only a limited amount of session in the counselling through the medical card and so bigger, more serious problems are prioritised.

I definitely need to work more on my self esteem. I've got a terrible phobia of doing something wrong. A fact which may shed some more light on the situation. While theoretically I can see the benefit of CBT (the counsellor uses this), I get a bit stuck on it because logically, my brain knows what I need to do, but that logic does not get carried over to the emotional side of things. It's something I'm still working on.

rainbowtrout

Maybe start with the friend with the disability, as that doesn't seem to be directly connected to the other issues.

The next time you are going to visit them, decide in advance how long you are going to stay, and then leave when that time is up. Keep the visit relatively short so there isn't time for a list of jobs to be completed. This is where you have to be assertive. If they go down the emotional blackmail line of asking you to do another job for them or you are 'giving up on them', just repeat that you have to leave 'as you have an appointment, and you wouldn't want me to miss it would you?'

You've said that their disability doesn't hinder them too much and that they can do things for themselves, but you do it faster and better. While it's nice to help out, they've probably started seeing you as a doormat to do things for them, and it's time to step back a bit and let them do things for themselves. Don't apologise for not doing the list of jobs designed to keep you in the house for longer. Just simply state, 'I won't be able to do that today'.

You also mentioned something about them not giving you tools. It sounds like you can borrow tools from them in return for helping them out. Just call their bluff if you ask for a loan of a tool and they refuse. Don't keep bargaining, just say 'Don't worry about it, [boyfriend] has a couple of friends I can ask'. It's nice to be able to borrow something when you need it but when there are conditions attached, you are better off going elsewhere.

zapper55

+1 to what rainbowtrout said. Also if they are aware enough to emotionally blackmail you they will be able to understand, oh if there is a problem maybe itd be better for me not to visit at all? Call their bluff for their behaviour.

LegacyUser

I have already cut back the amount of time I go to this friend's house. I used to go four or five times a week. Now I go about once a week. It means some things are not getting done, but it's too exhausting to go more than that. Unfortunately, I can't have an appointment every week. The tools are actually things I used to use when helping them, but have recently become too dangerous as this friend becomes more clingy and over bearing. I think what annoys me the most about this one is the fact that it's everyone else that's condemning me for even cutting back my time there.

My partner is a lovely guy and we have been together for years, although not living together. He is probably my biggest rock in all of this. It's not just a feeling of being indebted to him, or even a gut reaction of guilt as it with my mother (although these play a part too), but also that I feel I can't say or do anything negative towards him because of everything he does. He has never for one second led me to think this himself, but even asking him to make a cup of tea or let the dog out makes me feel bad. I recognise that this is entirely my own problem, but this is another case where what I know is logical and true isn't connecting with my emotional reaction to the situation. There have been too many people down through the years that would have thrown the fact that they made a cup of tea, or mopped the floor, or bought me something, right back in my face whenever they needed to. Some of these people do things for the sole purpose of throwing it back in my face when needed.

For example, the family member who is abusive and horrid. His teen damaged a part of my house through negligence. I fixed the problem, but I asked this family member to bring the teen back out to help clean up the mess it had caused. It was the first time I had ever asked for anything. They refused, and when I asked them why, I was told they didn't want to drive back out again. I insisted they came back out before the mess caused stains and bigger problems as it was too much for me to do myself, but a few months ago, this family member was in the house when I was pulling out the washing machine. They had experience with the problem I was having so insisted on helping. I tried paying them for the work so they wouldn't hold it against me, even snuck the money into their bag, but they found it before they left. This was yelled at me down the phone along with a few other profanities before I hung up.

ChrissieH

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear that your counselling is limited due to your medical card allowance because it sounds like you really could do with quite a lengthy therapeutic process to develop your self worth and build up your confidence. Even though it's obvious that you have a handle on why you have such discomfort when receiving anything, that's only part of the solution, as you're currently finding out. More time in therapy might be helpful to really allow you to get into, and therefore work through all these issues that happened throughout your life, which should then free you of the emotional burden.
The way I've understood your posts is that the guilt or discomfort you experience when someone tries to treat you well (and by "well", I mean "normal") shows that you feel utterly unworthy of receiving anything, but you are quite comfortable giving everything you can possibly give to others. That says to me, that you feel that you're beneath others. I just wonder if it's possible that your father's lack of input / presence in your childhood runs deeper than just financial deficit. Maybe not, but this is why I would love to see you continuing in therapy for a longer term - would there be any hope of you finding a low-cost option in your area, even if you could go once a fortnight, I think it could really change your internal dialogue.

I wish you the very best with it all and I'm glad that you have such a good partner; I understand completely that you don't want to feel like you've taken advantage of him, or that you're greedy or anything like that, but I can assure you that he's not paying for holidays unless he's 100% happy to do so, and I'm sure you do millions of things for him all the time, just because they're not financial, doesn't mean they're unimportant. Monetary gifts are not the only gifts in relationships.