Still have feelings after 4 years

Doterraorange

I was in an abusive relationship for 12 months, everything was great at the start we were inseparable, however, things started turning sour and he became emotionally abusive.
He start controlling me and putting me down and tried to stop me from seeing my family and friends.
He knew how much I loved him as I always chased him, if I didn't do what he wanted he would ignore me and i'd beg and cry, he knew he could just click his fingers and i'd jump.

The relationship became toxic, I became a person that nobody knew anymore - friends , family, work colleagues commented on how fragile and introverted I became.
I eventually somehow found my strength to leave him, it was a living nightmare, I had to go and speak to a counsellor, after 8 sessions I got back to my old self.

I told my ex that I had to go counselling and his reply was that ''they only tell you want you want to hear'', so there he was again trying to put me down.

So 4 years on , I have moved on.....(but not emotionally) there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my ex.
I'm with my current partner 2 years and have recently bought a place together and got engaged at Christmas. This new partner treats me like a queen.

I want to get my ex out of my head, but every time I hear love songs on the radio I think of my ex. It's like I'm living in a fantasy bubble of the good times we had together. I wouldn't get back with him in a million years but I don't know how to get him completely out of my mind. It's like i'm still letting him control me mentally.
I bumped into him a few weeks ago in a shopping Centre, we were walking towards each other our eyes met and he start smiling at me till he saw my finance with me and his face dropped.
I heard recently that he was seen in a pub with a girl, my heart sank and I felt so jealous.

why 4 years on am I feeling like this, I hate him for what he did to me but yet feel like I still have strong feelings for him, he's taking over my mind and it's not fair on my current partner.

Sorry about that

Hi op. It kind of looks like you might be romanticising the past here, as an escape from a possibly dull, or unfulfilled present.

The ex isn't controlling you or your thoughts, you are. I think you need to ask yourself how much you love your current partner, because it doesn't read like you are all that into him.

It could be time to have an honest chat with yourself, and if this guy isn't the one, do the right thing. Good luck.

Sardonicat

Hi OP. You did really, really well getting out of an abusive relationship within a year. That tells me that despite his best efforts to supress youa part of you remained strong and true to yoursef.You finished with him even though it must have been very painful for you.

How long did you stay in counselling? I think it might be time to re-engage with a counsellor who understands the long term effects of toxic relationshipso and how those dynamics work. I don't mean to make assumptions here, so ignore the next bit if I'm way off the mark. What was your childhood like? Did you experience emotional manipulation from a parent or significant adult. Would you be able to recognise that if it was happening now? I think you may find it helpful to look up the term 'trauma bonding'. It might ring a few bells with you as to why you still feel the way you do about your ex.

Please do consider returning to counselling to explore the root causes of this fixation. All the best OP. You are a very strong woman.

Doterraorange

Sardonicat wrote: »

How long did you stay in counselling? I think it might be time to re-engage with a counsellor who understands the long term effects of toxic relationshipso and how those dynamics work. I don't mean to make assumptions here, so ignore the next bit if I'm way off the mark. What was your childhood like? Did you experience emotional manipulation from a parent or significant adult. Would you be able to recognise that if it was happening now? I think you may find it helpful to look up the term 'trauma bonding'. It might ring a few bells with you as to why you still feel the way you do about your ex.

Please do consider returning to counselling to explore the root causes of this fixation. All the best OP. You are a very strong woman.

I went to 8 counselling sessions and yes I do feel I need to go back. regarding my childhood...you are correct there, my father left when I was very young and was in and out of my life this had a huge effect on me.

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like post traumatic stress.

You should re-engage with Counselling or some trauma Counselling

*This is not a medical diagnosis as I am not a medical professional just something to consider

racso1975

It's like a slightly weird form of Stockholm syndrome. As mentioned above I'd consider more counselling. In truth it would be hard to believe that 8 hours of counselling repaired over a years worth of emotional abuse.

I'd also read back what you wrote, especially the piece about how jealous you felt and when you hear love songs etc. Do you think you are ready for marriage and house together?

How would you feel if you found out your partner thinks about an ex like you do?

Just one last thing to think about if the ex came forward and said they understood their errors and had sought help and was seeing a counselor would you be tempted to get back together?

Doterraorange

racso1975 wrote: »

Just one last thing to think about if the ex came forward and said they understood their errors and had sought help and was seeing a counselor would you be tempted to get back together?

okay I know i'm going to sound like I am crazy here but I would not get back with him in a million years, he is a scumbag, toxic and there is too much water under the bridge and my family would disown me if I even thought about getting back with him.
this is my whole issue, I want to erase him from my mind but i'm finding he's constantly on my mind.
I didn't say I was jealous of love songs, you read that wrong, I said I think about him when love songs come on the radio. I said I was jealous when I heard he was seen with another girl.
Yes I do feel like its a form of Stockholm syndrome as he controlled me and bullied me in the relationship. I am so blessed to have gotten away from him. But thinking of him constantly 4 years on is not healthy. I want to hate him but I cant.

Doterraorange

I want to thank everyone that took their time to read and reply to my post. I will take all your advise and go back to counselling.

Flibble

Sometimes it's not necessarily the person you can't remove from your head- it's the impact they had on you.

The relationship sounds like it was a fairly traumatic whirlwind of intensity, and I'd say the damage it did to you hasn't been processed yet, as processing abuse tends to come in waves over many years.

You need to engage with a therapist that can help you unravel the depth of impact safely, to be able to finally let it go whilst understanding that it may impact you on some level indefinitely as it has probably piggybacked onto, or Trojan horsed in, issues in your life such as around your father etc

We all have significant periods and encounters in our lives that change us in some way; part of self care is understanding the depth of these periods; the who, what, where, when and mostly why.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

I feel your pain, I'm in a happy and healthy relationship and regularly think about my ex. Not because I have any feelings for him, but because the pain and emotional abuse he caused me was so horrendous and shocking (cheated the entire duration of a 5 year relationship) that I actually couldn't get my head around it. He's with another girl a few years now to the best of my knowledge and I used to find myself browsing her facebook and looking a pictures of them but like you, I knew I didn't want to get back with him, I was just frustrated that he was able to move on so quickly with no consequences, probably felt/feel sorry for her. I blocked him and her ages ago and yea, he still comes in to my head.
when I hear certain songs or am in places we would have gone together. But it's the same way a car crash I was in when I was 16 comes in to my head whenever I am in a car on the motorway and it starts to rain..... It's a trauma and I don't know why it happens but it's helpful to acknowledge it as a hurtful period of your life that you are best off away from.

Hedgelayer

Nothing worse than a trauma bonding relationship.

Well rid op....

Enjoy your life

More than likely the reason you're thinking like this is because, you haven't gotten over how badly he treated you.

That's the effect a Narcissist has on people.

Been there, caught the bitch cheating but that was my fault because I called to the house unannounced...

It'll be your fault no matter what happens...

Get some therapy maybe of its still effects you.

Fcken Narcissists should all be burnt at a stake

peckerhead

Doterraorange wrote: »

I want to get my ex out of my head, but every time I hear love songs on the radio I think of my ex. It's like I'm living in a fantasy bubble of the good times we had together. I wouldn't get back with him in a million years but I don't know how to get him completely out of my mind. It's like i'm still letting him control me mentally.

Some (not all) of what this guy says was helpful to me, OP, hope it might strike a chord with you. And I second the suggestion about pursuing the counselling.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0GQSJrpVhM

joeguevara

I did have feelings for all my exes for a long time. Each were amazing but how some hurt me was devastating. I thought I would never stop loving 1 in particular. It went on for nearly 14 years. Now it didn’t stop me seeing others but out of the blue bang. Then it stopped. Don’t rush it. Don’t try and bury it. But don’t let it own you.

Doterraorange

peckerhead wrote: »

That's brilliant, I watched it all thank you