Marriedbutsad

LegacyUser

Hi,

I need to get some opinions on how I am feeling. I know I will be judged for this, but I would appreciate the input and apologies in advance, as its a long one!

I am married 24 years this year. I married in my mid 20's, to the first woman I ever loved. I was so flattered that someone would want me. I come from a pretty religious family, so I did not have sex before I got married. We have two beautiful (now adult) daughters together, a house with a large mortgage and a business.

About 15 years ago, I met another amazing woman. She was considerably younger than me, but someone I could talk to very easily. For a long time, we were friends, then it moved to kissing and after about 2 years, we made love. There were many many times that we both tried to pull away from each other because we knew what we were doing was not right. I was torn in two, because I fell in love with her, a deep love that I had not felt before, that I didn't think existed or was possible. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever met, inside and out. I thought she was way too beautiful for me, I always thought she would eventually find someone better and leave me.

But I also loved my wife, she had moved here to be with me, to start a life with me. We had so much together. But long before this girl had come along, the intimacy of my marriage had waned. My wife did not really enjoy sex and did not enjoy the intimacy of just cuddling or kissing. That is not an excuse I know, but when looking for reasons as to why I had an affair, this is probably one.

After about 4 years after we first met, the girl got pregnant. We were both scared, I loved her and wanted our baby. But she worried that if she kept it, that she would always wonder did I leave out of obligation because she was pregnant. She decided to go to the UK to get an abortion, and I supported her in this decision. We were both tremendously sad after that, wondering did we make the right decision. I knew I needed to do right by her, right by my wife too. So I told my wife I was leaving her, that I loved her and I was so sorry, but what we had now was more of a friendship. That I had fallen in love with this girl and I needed to leave.

But my wife, understandably, got very angry, threatening to ruin the business, to move back to her home country with our children. She screamed at me for hours. I had a mental breakdown that night, the GP had to be called to give me something to calm me. To be honest, I don't remember much from around that time. It was all a blur and I was so heavily medicated. I ended up staying, I felt too weak to leave, too powerless. I felt I was doing the right thing. My wife and I went for counselling, I told her that I had only thought I loved the girl, that I was wrong, and that I was sorry.

When the girl found out, she went into a deep depression herself. All the things I had told her and promised her, she thought I had lied to her. We stayed away from each other for a while, while we both tried to wade through our depression. After some time, we started to talk again and we would meet up here and there. I missed her so much. But I still felt I couldn't leave, even though I knew she was what I wanted.

About 6 years ago, she met someone else. I told her I would leave her alone. I wanted her to be happy, no matter how much it hurt me, she deserved all the happiness in the world. She would call maybe once a year, to see how I was, but she was happy with her boyfriend. Things got serious with them, but about 3 years ago, I messaged her to see if she was still happy. I was still depressed but felt like I had the strength to leave. Our mortgage had been paid off but my wife was looking to buy a bigger house and to do that, we would need to tie ourselves into another mortgage. I did not tell the girl this, I didn't want to put that burden on her. She told me she was very happy, so I left her alone. She went on to buy a house and get married.

She called me and wanted to meet up before the wedding but we never did. But we did meet up back in October. We spoke like we used to, it felt like no time had passed at all. After that, she told me she still loved me. That she was sorry for ever letting me think that she didn't love me. I feel like we are back at square one, both with tough decisions to make. I love my wife, but I love her like a sister. We have not had sex in about 7 years. Initially, after I told her about the girl and the counselling, she tried for me, but it only happened a couple of times. She does not trust me, and rightly so. I have never strayed with anyone else other than this girl and would never want to.

So, do I stay in a marriage where we get on, but no intimacy? Do I stay knowing that the person I am with is not the person I love in my heart and soul? I don't even know if I'm strong enough now, what if I tell my wife and I end up having another breakdown?

Plopsu

Are your children grown now? Why would you stay in a marriage that you seem to be deeply unhappy in?

Springfields

I just get a profound sense of sadness reading this post. All of this has obviously taken it's toll on you and your wife as well as the other girl and probably your children too. What have you or anyone to gain by staying. Are you in a position to move out and set yourself up somewhere where your children can still visit etc. I think you have a lot of soul searching to do and work on yourself first before even considering becoming someone's partner again. Seems the other girl would just move on with her life and you might too if ye left each other get on with it. Is she still married? If so you need to not contact her. Let it go and move on. If she isn't don't jump straight into another relationship immediately . You've been married 24 years..you will need time to grieve that relationship too...it's a long road ahead make sure you get the support you need...good luck

Up Donegal

I hope everything works out for you. It's not a nice situation to be in.

heretothere

Whilst I never condone cheating, I am feeling really sad for you. It sounds like you have tried your hardest to make your marriage work after though.

I'm trying to work out time lines, you have to be max 50. You still have a lot of life and living ahead of you, and it doesn't sound like it will be a happy one if you remain with your wife unfortunately.

If the other girl is still married, I think you should never contact her again. If she's not I'd still give yourself space to clear your head before starting anything else.

osarusan

Both of you need to either break up with your partners and be together, or else never contact each other again.

This calling once a year to see if the other person is happy and doing OK, and bringing old wounds back up and going back to square one, will destroy both of you.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Can i ask what you learned as a person, as a husband and as a father with the whole earlier affair, and how it all panned out? I suspect not lot.

The thing you haven't mentioned in your post is your wife also invested her future in the marriage and through little fault of her own found herself betrayed. She stayed with you, and is equally as unfulfilled, but also had no chance to find that happiness she also deserves.

You met up again with this woman after your affair was acknowledged because you couldn't stay away. and to this day you continue the emotional affair. So i think its fair to say your marriage never really stood a chance of being repaired, and your wife eually stuck in your loveless marriage.

It is my firm opinion that everyone (yourself included) has a right to be happy. If you can find happiness and intimacy with this other person, then you need to do the honourable thing.

1. Break up with your wife and resolve your personal circumstances and living arrangements.
2. Wait till your chosen partner is also free from attachment - if she ever does so.
3. Act decently, in all future dealings with wife nd children. no deceit.

LegacyUser

I have never gotten over the affair. In truth, I am still on antidepressants because I have not gotten over it. I have lied to my wife and to my psychiatrist about how I feel about the other woman. I wanted to protect my wife, I felt I owed it to her and our life together to stay. I knew she deserved better than what I had given her, so I stayed. I agreed to move to a bigger house and tie ourselves into a big mortgage.

Our children are adults now. I had stayed for them also, I had a responsibility to them to be a good man. There was also the religious aspect tied up in it, in that I was brought up to believe that once you're married, that is it for life.

Back when I told her about the affair, my wife vowed that she would never let me be with the other girl, even if that meant staying in an unhappy marriage. She didn't want to separate, move on and find someone else.

@heretothere, you are correct, I am in my late 40's now. And I keep thinking, is this it for the next 30 odd years? I can survive without sex, but without the intimacy is a whole different thing. My wife is happy for this to be our life forever.

I don't want to be lying on my death bed regretting that I never had to balls to be with who I wanted to be with.

She is still married. I may not have been clear, but we didn't speak for the last 3 years, after I had messaged her to see if she was still happy, and before my wife and I bought the new house. I never stopped thinking about her in all that time, but I left her alone as I honestly wanted her to be happy. I just got on with life, feeling lonely and depressed, accepting that this was just going to be my life.

wiggle16

Thread locked.

Thanks & grma all who posted.