Crushing on a good friend

LegacyUser

Hi all.. been friends with this guy for a few years. Call him T. We get on like a house on fire, and I would consider T the full package in terms of what I look for both in a friend, as well as a boyfriend. We initially started out romantically, a few dates, slept together, all going in one direction, until it suddenly fizzled out. I was disappointed as I was really into T. He was fair and upfront and told me that while he thought I was a special person and we clicked so well, he wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship. We agreed to stay friends and this was actually no issue for us. A little while down the line, I met someone else and spent a few years with them. T told me he was happy for me, which he genuinely seemed to be. Whilst we saw each other a little less, we still maintained platonic friendship as normal and he never dated anyone during that time.

Over 6 months ago my recent relationship ended. Life has continued as normal, however T and I have been gradually spending more and more time together again. I'm starting to realise that my feelings for him are coming back full force. We laugh so much together and I can't help but feel so attracted to him. (If I'm honest, I feel that I always held a bit of a torch for T. Even when I was happy in my last relationship). I do feel that there is a special atmosphere between us when we're alone together, which is becoming more often, but it could be the case that I'm looking into it too much as it's me who's definitely crushing. I'm afraid to broach it with him as 1) the last time it was on I feel T ended it, and don't want to end up embarrassed and/or making things awkward, and 2) I'm wondering have we gone too far into the friend stage for T to even consider me in that way any more, and am I just overthinking it all due to our past?

Any advice on how to approach this? Are there any signs that a friend is into you as more than a friend? Should I just go for it and see how it goes, or should I be very careful to preserve the solid friendship?

LegacyUser

He knows what your feelings were towards him. Maybe he's in a different headspace these days , or maybe you're still in friendzone; 6 months is a decent amount of time to leave someone recover after a LTR.
Reclaim some of your pride here. Pull back on the contact. If he wants you, he knows what to do. & if he does, he'll value you all the more for having to win you back, versus you predictably being putty in his hands.

zapper55

It's not a solid friendship though is it? You have strong feelings for him. You have two choices, say it to him or see him less to try and get over him.

I've said I wasnt in the headspace for a relationship when I didn't want to go out with someone for whatever reason, so I wouldn't assume that he will want to now.

Reesy

To find out, you're going to have to risk your friendship. Sounds like you are going to have to find out, one way or another.

Good luck.

aloneforever99

Difficult situation.

I think you have to take the risk and say it.

Maybe try and frame it in such a way that you can walk it back to a certain degree if it doesn't go your way.

"I've really been enjoying your company lately. It almost makes me think we gave up on dating too soon."

Either he'll agree and you can take the conversation from there, or he might laugh it off/ get a bit uncomfortable and then you'll know where you stand... hopefully without risking the friendship (although if he doesn't feel the same, it might be hard to stay friends in the long run anyway)

archie199

aloneforever99 wrote: »

Difficult situation.

I think you have to take the risk and say it.

Maybe try and frame it in such a way that you can walk it back to a certain degree if it doesn't go your way.

"I've really been enjoying your company lately. It almost makes me think we gave up on dating too soon."

Either he'll agree and you can take the conversation from there, or he might laugh it off/ get a bit uncomfortable and then you'll know where you stand... hopefully without risking the friendship (although if he doesn't feel the same, it might be hard to stay friends in the long run anyway)

Oh God! Don't say that OP, you'll just come across as needy and desperate. Ye didn't give up on dating, he wasn't in the right frame of mind and he ended things. Not you!

Maybe it's best to cut contact if you have feelings for him again, he can probably sense you're into him again and he would make a move if he wanted more than friendship.

milli milli

He was fair and upfront and told me that while he thought I was a special person and we clicked so well, he wasn't in the right headspace for a relationship
...

T told me he was happy for me, which he genuinely seemed to be

Sorry OP, but these aren’t the actions of a guy that’s into a girl. First of all ‘not ready for a relationship’ is code for ’not ready for a relationship with you’

And if he was into you and realised he made a mistake by letting you go he wouldn’t be genuinely happy you were in a new relationship. He would be kicking himself. Or upon the end of that relationship, he surely would have copped onto himself and made his interest known.
Unless he’s extremely passive, it doesn’t look like he’s returning your feelings.

Sorry OP, I am coming across as harsh, and I understand your feelings, I truly do. But much like so many people who pine after people who aren’t interested, you and all those people deserve someone who returns those feelings and not make them question, ‘does he/she like me or not?’ You deserve to have someone think, ‘Am I mad, why would I let this person go!’

By all means you can ask him, but be prepared for it not to work out. Unless he’s done a complete 360.
Best of luck and take care

otnomart

While you were in a relationship for years, has he been single all the time ? Or did he have a FWB, or was he dating ?

Back to you: could it be that for you at some level he is an "easy rebound", because you do not want to go through the mill of dating again and meeting someone new ?

joeguevara

Can you preserve a friendship if your feelings are strong. Will you be second guessing every txt, drink, coffee, look touch wondering is he feeling the same thing.

Can you live with this eating at you. I is one of the hardest things to do. I don’t think it needs to much to know if he feels the same. Don’t do the huge declaration but don’t have it eat at your self esteem. The not the right headspace is a pretty strong comment. Hope you will be ok.