Keep assuming my boyfriend will suddenly dump me

daringbirdy101

I’ve been with this lad in my course for almost 4 months. We’re 19 & neither of us have had a proper relationship before. Everyone thinks he’s crazy about me- he spends at least 3 hours a day with me during the week (I go home weekends) & he’ll video call me for an hour or so if we don’t see each other. He also spent at least €100 on me for Valentines. He chats to me about things we’ll do over the summer and possibly going abroad next year.

That being said, I feel as though I’m looking for any sign that he isn’t happy/doesn’t love me anymore. He’ll do the littlest thing and I’ll jump to the conclusion that he’ll leave me soon. I think part of it stems from a 2 month thing I had in the past, that really hurt me especially as it all fell apart In the space of a week & I never knew why. What really scared me is that he admitted 2 weeks ago that he worried he was going to get sick of me because we spend so much time together. He expressed concern that he misses his friends sometimes and there was one time we hung out that he actually wanted to stay in with the lads. He says he still loves me as much, but is not as excited but more relaxed/ comfortable. I think it’s ok because I felt something similar in January where I noticed he didn’t excite me as much and there was one or two occasions I kind of wanted to stay in, but I took this to mean this is the end of the honeymoon period, because I certainly don’t love him any less, I’m just used to him.

leggo

Look, you’re 19 and it’s your first relationship. It’s very young to meet the person you’ll marry (though far from impossible either) and worrying/putting pressure on that it’ll last forever risks actually speeding up the thing that you’re worried about. Just enjoy the relationship day by day while also being conscious that yes, it may end one day, and that’s fine and you’ll be fine too if it does. It’s nice to meet someone you like, so enjoy it while you do instead of spending it all worrying about what’s going to happen, because we just can’t control that stuff.

baby and crumble

If I were you, OP, I'd actually take it as a great sign that he told you that he was worried, and that he misses his friends - it means he feels he can talk to you about it, and that he has healthy relationships with others.

As someone who got together with my now wife when we were very young (I was 21, she was just barely 20), one of the best lessons you can learn in a a relationship is to understand that one person cannot be everything to someone else. I love my wife dearly but I know that if I have to hang out with her every night I'll get so grumpy it's unreal. You have to have time apart. 3 hours every day is INTENSE unless you live together and being together is just being at home. I remember doing it, but that intensity can't last to the same level.

If I were you I'd start by saying to him 'hey, why don't we have one might during the week we hang out with our friends separately?' in some ways the old saying is true, absence does make the heart grow fonder!

daringbirdy101

Thanks guys.

And I get what ye are saying now. It’s only natural that both of us need some time apart. I know occasionally I fear losing part of myself to this relationship because sometimes we spend so much time together that I don’t have time for my own interests or feel I don’t have enough time to do my best at coursework etc.

He obviously feels that too. Also, while I have people I sit with and have banter with in college and at pre drinks, I don’t really have any good mates of my own at the minute. I’ve drifted from my best friend in school and the group I hung out with for the first month or 2 kinda ditched me, not long before I met my boyfriend. I feel that this is why he needs a bit more time apart than I do, I know if I still had mates I’d definitely be hanging out with them at least one evening a week. I think the fact that my parents met at 20 and 22 has led me to take this relationship more seriously than I need to (but I honestly feel we’re a great match), although It not like I’m thinking too far into the future with him (yet)

woodchuck

OP I think you're putting way too much pressure on this relationship. Sure, he might turn out to be "the one". But he might not. And if he's not, you could look back in a few years and realise that you've devoted the majority of your time and energy into this one person and let your friendships and studies suffer. And even if he is the one, surely you want friends and a good degree too?

I strongly urge you to focus on other activities that don't involve your boyfriend. I know you said the people you were hanging out with for the first couple of months have ditched you, but realistically most people don't make lifelong friends with the first people they meet in college. It can take a number of months to forge those connections. The iron is still warm, if not hot, so don't let this time in college pass you by without putting in the effort to make friends.

Your boyfriends attitude is being very honest and mature. I don't think it's healthy for you both to spend so much time together at this early stage if it's preventing you from making friends and/or taking a significant amount of time away from your studies.

Ursus Horribilis

Woodchuck has just said much of what I was going to post. The way you and your boyfriend have taken to living in each others' pockets is not healthy for either of you. It's good that you've mentioned the fear of losing yourself to this relationship. It is absolutely something you should be mindful of. It is possible to have a boyfriend, friends and get good grades. You've just got the balance very wrong and it's something you should not let go on. Because you've got a boyfriend, you've probably stopped making the effort to make friends. And because the people you're meeting know you're totally wrapped up in him, they're not going to be too pushed to reach out to you either. Don't become one of those women who can't go anywhere without her boyfriend in tow or is so wrapped up in him that she becomes a bore.

Also, your parents are the lucky ones who met so young and have stayed together. One of my college friends will be divorcing the boyfriend she met on our course when they were 20...

Something else to point out. If you and your boyfriend don't work out and you split, college will be a lonely place unless you've made the effort to spread your wings. Having more friends never hurts.

daringbirdy101

Thanks guys.
Ursus Horribilis, your answer in particular hits home. I love my boyfriend and I’m so thankful I’ve met him but there’s a part of me that worries I’m missing out on part of the college experience. I imagined I’d have at least 2 or 3 mates I could hang out with in the evenings at this point. Right now, the closest I have to mates is some girls I’ll sit with and chat to in lectures. I can’t help but wonder if I’m missing out on a huge part of the colllege social experience etc. I want girl mates I can do things with that my boyfriend just can’t. I feel like if I hadn’t met him, I would have that by now. I also worry I’ve left it too late to make friends but screw it, Im going to do my best as it’s bettee than doing nothing at all, even if I fail.

But it looks good. We seem to both be on the same page here. We’ve agreed to still see each other every weekday but twice a week, we’ll do our own thing in the evening. I’m really happy with this idea as is he.

Ursus Horribilis

Good for you. You were in nappies when I was in college but I doubt people have changed all that much since those days. I drifted from the people I'd first started hanging around with in college (they weren't my sort of people really) but made new friends. And from them, met their friends and so on and so on. I don't believe you've left it too late to start making friends but I think you should start making the effort from tomorrow morning onwards. Don't put it off.

It might be a bit late in the day to be joining clubs/societies for this year but definitely sign up for some of them when you go into your 2nd year. The sort of ones that meet regularly and which will put you into contact with the same faces. It's good that you're nipping this in the bud before you get to the end of first year. Good luck!

baby and crumble

Op just to let you know I didn’t really have college friends until well into 2nd year because I really had nothing in common with people in my class. I started to volunteer with a college society and it was the best thing I ever did. It gave me people across campus that I knew and got friendly with and also a routine. Wednesday nights were activity nights so I had to get out and meet new people. By myself.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. “The college experience” isn’t always as great as you think. That’s all

Bigmac1euro

baby and crumble wrote: »

If I were you, OP, I'd actually take it as a great sign that he told you that he was worried, and that he misses his friends - it means he feels he can talk to you about it.

OP this times a million.
The relationship I’m in now is the best relationship I’ve ever had by a mile. We’re together over 4 years and buying a house together, the reason this relationship works so well Is because we tell each other the truth about everything.
The fact he said he misses his friends sometimes is really honest and isn’t easy to say. I think you’ll have a long lasting relationship if you keep everything truthful. This is coming from a guy here if that makes any difference.