Parent has cut all ties with me

Sunrise_Sunset

My parent and I have not gotten along since I was a teenager. This person is a bully and narcissist. They have emotionally abused me for years. I put up with it because I wanted to maintain a relationship with my other parent. Things came to a head recently and I flew into a rage and let loose my feelings after years of being a doormat. They did not take kindly to someone finally standing up them. But I finally felt free and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. This person then announced that they were cutting all ties with me, because apparently I'm the horrible and cruel one. Since then I've been up and down. Although I feel free, I also feel incredibly sad. But a relationship with this person is not possible at this stage. They are argumentative, impatient, aggressive and narcissistic. I'm also sad that my other parent is caught in the middle. We have said that we won't let this affect our relationship, but in the long run is this sustainable? I think that I'll come through it ok in the end, I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to get through these initial stages of my feelings flip-flopping all over the place. Should I see a counsellor? How am I going to feel at every big occasion like birthdays and Christmas? What will happen at family events? The thoughts of those things is getting me down a lot too.

Sunrise_Sunset

Also, I don't know what to tell my son. He's 7.

punisher5112

Tell him they had to go away or working etc.

Sounds like you are better off without and I think you know that too.

Sad and upsetting I'm sure but try and live your life and be there for your child and give them the life you never had.

aloneforever99

Take occasions like Christmas as they come, don't try to figure that all out now.

Don't tell your 7 year old anything. Children shouldn't be expected to understand this stuff. Protect your kid from it as much as you possibly can. Don't speak badly about their grandparent in front of them.

Make an effort to maintain the relationship with the parent you're on good terms with. Call them when you know the other parent will not be around if possible, to avoid stirring things.

Definitely go for counselling. For YOUR sake, it would be a good idea to learn to forgive them.

Sunrise_Sunset

Yes I do feel it's for the best. I maintained the relationship so as not to cause any issues, and so that I could keep seeing my nice parent. I really hope that we can still keep a relationship going now.

When I see my nice parent, my son will say where's X? Why don't we don't go their house anymore? I never know what to say and usually say nothing or change the subject.

I know that I should take it day by day, but right now my mind keeps focusing on what will happen at family events, weddings, funerals etc. They are getting old. What will happen if my nice parent passes away first. Will I even be allowed to attend the funeral? It would devastate me if not.

aloneforever99

There's really no point projecting into the future about weddings and funerals and all that. When you catch yourself doing it, just stop.

The likelihood is that things will seem a lot different six months from now, or a year from now or two years from now.

With the kid, keep doing what you're doing - make an excuse or change the subject, 7 year olds should not be subjected to family drama.

Sunrise_Sunset

Yeah I really don't want to tell him anything. But he's already asking questions. I just need to think of ways to navigate around that.

My parent cut ties pretty viciously and full of spite, and making it clear that I'll be cut out of the will. Like I care about that!

.......

He is dead now but you have basically described my fathers method of punishing people who upset him.

A big dramatic cut off, with them framed as the victim and you framed as the villain. As time passed he would retell and retell the story of some real or imagined slight, each time twisting it just a little bit more so that he looked like the better person. After a number of years he really would believe he was the better person. It was exhausting, and it fooled no one.

Anyway, my advice to you is do nothing dramatic, and make no long term pronouncements or promises - to yourself or to your child. Enjoy the break from this person and promise yourself to revisit whether or not you want to talk to them in a few months time. There is no need to make cast iron promises to yourself on it. Just take things day by day.

For now when your child asks just tell them X is visiting friends, or away for a bit. As to why you are not going to the house - they have visitors or are having work done. Simple things.

Dont think or worry about christmas, weddings, funerals etc... Dont project.

Xterminator

OP - perhaps it is all for the best ?

If your parent is looking for a reaction, then dont give them one.

LegacyUser

I think it would be ok to tell your son in age appropriate terms “My parent is not very nice. We’re not friends anymore. I am very good friends with Other Parent.
I tried very hard to stay friends with Parent but it wasn’t possible.
Most parents/grandparents are very nice but X is not.
That’s a pity but we will have good times together and with Other Parent.”

Sunrise_Sunset

Xterminator wrote: »

OP - perhaps it is all for the best ?

If your parent is looking for a reaction, then dont give them one.

Agreed! I won't be reacting. I'll continue to ignore.

I believe it's for the best. I'm not doubting that. But I just don't know how to navigate through all of the feelings, and the situation with my other family members and my kid.

Sunrise_Sunset

....... wrote: »

He is dead now but you have basically described my fathers method of punishing people who upset him.

A big dramatic cut off, with them framed as the victim and you framed as the villain. As time passed he would retell and retell the story of some real or imagined slight, each time twisting it just a little bit more so that he looked like the better person. After a number of years he really would believe he was the better person. It was exhausting, and it fooled no one.

Yes, this sounds all too familiar. I think they believe their own lies. In their mind, they are adamant that they are the wronged party. It's exhausting. I know that other extended family members are aware of X's behaviour, but I don't think they realise just how bad it is. But I know I'm not alone in how I feel, and that does validate things for me a bit, when I'm questioning myself. I just really hate this rollercoaster of emotions when trying to deal with it.

AnnaSophia

Hi OP, I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. I’m estranged from my mother (by my choice) and it’s difficult when it comes to family, especially when sides are taken. My advice would be tell your kid as little as you can get away with while they’re so young, and maybe when you’re meeting up with your nice parent, for the first few times anyway, do something fun and distracting so they might not notice the absence as much?

As a resource, there’s a group on Facebook called Necessary Family Estrangement and I’ve found it can be helpful to chat to other people who are going through a similar situation.

retro:electro

Op the only way you can deal with a narcissist is to cut them out of your life and continue on with yours. They will never see themselves at fault. They are always the victim and will protect themselves at all costs. There’s nothing you can do but get on with your life. I know it’s hard when it’s a parent but you did the right thing. Surely you can still maintain some kind of a relationship with your other parent?

Sunrise_Sunset

AnnaSophia wrote: »

As a resource, there’s a group on Facebook called Necessary Family Estrangement and I’ve found it can be helpful to chat to other people who are going through a similar situation.

Thank you for for this. I hope it will help me too.

Sunrise_Sunset

retro:electro wrote: »

Op the only way you can deal with a narcissist is to cut them out of your life and continue on with yours. They will never see themselves at fault. They are always the victim and will protect themselves at all costs. There’s nothing you can do but get on with your life. I know it’s hard when it’s a parent but you did the right thing. Surely you can still maintain some kind of a relationship with your other parent?

I know that the relationship is irreparable because X will never see their faults let alone want to apologise and change and move forward with the relationship. And too many years of not being called out on it I'm sure has reinforced their behaviour. We hadn't spoken in months, but there had been no dramatic cutting ties up until this point. I was happy enough to live my life with no final decision being made. So I guess I had sort of cut ties by not getting in contact but I hadn't pulled the trigger. It was their birthday recently and I did not reach out with a birthday wish. I think this made the baby throw their toys out of their pram and decide to officially cut ties.

.......

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

Yes, this sounds all too familiar. I think they believe their own lies. In their mind, they are adamant that they are the wronged party. It's exhausting. I know that other extended family members are aware of X's behaviour, but I don't think they realise just how bad it is. But I know I'm not alone in how I feel, and that does validate things for me a bit, when I'm questioning myself. I just really hate this rollercoaster of emotions when trying to deal with it.

They definitely believe their own version of reality. In my case it was a consequence of my fathers alcoholism. He lived a very twisted reality, full of denial. I did eventually become estranged from both parents. My mother was the "nice" parent - but in retrospect - was she really? She supported my father through awful behaviour, she saw how much harm and hurt he was causing and still stood by him. She chose him over her children at a time when we were vulnerable and very young, and then continued in that pattern for the rest of her life.

I dont know whether addiction is involved in your own family, but if it is Alanon really helped me. One way or another, it would do you good to go and talk to someone about all of this. Ultimately, in order for you to be at peace, you have to come to some acceptance about being estranged - you have to learn to forgive yourself for looking after yourself. This IS very possible.

Also - for many of us conflict resolution is learned behaviour and when we learn it from dysfunctional parenting we can grow up with the same bad behaviours ourselves. I still struggle with it to this day, decades after recognising that my parents way of resolving conflict wasnt healthy (my father would refuse to speak to my mother and victimise himself - such as sitting out in the shed rather than in the tv room - until she couldnt take it anymore and would seek him out to make up with him). It had a terrible effect on all of us. You may have similar issues that need to be worked on from your own childhood living with a dysfunctional parent.

Hedgelayer

Zero contact is best or very little for that matter.

You'll never win if you're up against a narcissist.
They'll never see that they're wrong, I have a covert narcisst in my family.
All nice outside the home but absolutely horrific in the home.

In the state's there's narcisstic survivor groups, share your experiences strength and hope.....

Identification and support is important....

One can never change a Narcissist.....

Once a narc always a narc

valoren

OP, the sadness comes from the realization that you know your parent is an asshole. You yourself are not a bully and to finally stand up for yourself and be treated disgustingly in response leaves a mark. This person was a caregiver and has no respect for you. That's a difficult state of mind. You're not a child. You are a peer, a parent, an adult who respectfully deserves to at a minimum be listened to. You feel bad because you needed to say your piece and presumably none of it was even listened to. The "give abuse-to provoke a reaction-then play the victim" routine is a hallmark of any narcissist.

You owe this person absolutely nothing. A telling reaction from your parent was to try and manipulate you with exclusion from the will. As if the worry about that will draw you back in. It's a manipulation technique called hoovering which a narcissist will use. You are quite capable of taking care of yourself and baiting you with threats of financial exclusion is pathetic. They have finally seen that you are no longer willing to play the doormat, their reaction to cut you out is the reaction of any bully who deep down is a coward. They don't want someone capable of taking them down around and so you had to go.

You go no contact with narcissistic bullies. No family events, no Christmas, no birthdays. The only 'winning' move is no move. You effectively treat them as if they are dead. For YOUR family Christmas, your birthday, your son's birthday I would make it clear to your other parent that they are invited. That creates for them a dilemma. Do they go and suffer abuse for having gone from their excluded spouse who has been cut out? Do they decide to not go, not take 'sides' which will upset you and your son but will placate their spouse? They need to deal with that particular individual themselves. Don't be surprised if they stay put and look to exclude you as well. Be prepared for that. They've seen what happens when someone (i.e. you) stopped taking **** from them and called them out.

That's not your problem anymore. It's your other parents self-created one and if they continue to stay with this person, inadvertently enabling them, then that is the way it has to be. You have made the decision that your abusive parent is persona non grata. You make it clear this decision was made in lieu of this person being the one who cut ties with you. Reconciliation in order to play 'happy family' will not be entertained. Put the foot down. Remember they are the one choosing to remain with their abusive spouse. If they are not free to go to your house for your family occasions then they have their own problems. You have chosen not to involve yourself in that problem. If they go and get abuse then it is their decision to remain involved with someone abusive and controlling. If they know you at all, they know you are not the problem, not the one who has caused this situation. You've just removed yourself from a toxic person. You've learned that the only way to deal with a toxic person is to not deal with them and that your decision to do that must be respected. What has happened will be 'the elephant in the room' any time you speak to your supportive parent. I wouldn't draw up what happened and if they try to broach it then I would politely say that it's all in the past, not interested etc.

At 7 years old it might be time to explain the concept of bullying to your son. Explain to him that your parent is a bully and bullies make people feel bad. They make you feel bad and feel sad. Involve them by asking if they want you to feel bad? Sometimes others behave in ways that make you feel bad, even your family can act that way. Tell them your parent makes you feel sad and that you can't just be friends anymore. Sure, in time you will be smeared as being the villain who has turned their grandson against them etc. Be very wary of hoovering from this person which is done to draw you back in. Be firm. It will be difficult as the emotional manipulation will be inevitable. This person will never change and they will only do it so as to draw you back into that cycle of abuse.

You won't care anymore as you simply don't deal with them. The ability to intentionally blank and deliberately ignore will serve you well. Let them stew in their own hatred and misery. They are socially, emotionally and mentally dead to you and you've got your own family and priorities now. Don't spend any mental energy expecting any sort of mea culpa from this person. As other's have mentioned, this toxic situation will be manipulated into them being the victim and the best thing to do is to let them at it.

I also have a narcissist mother. I haven't spoken to her since September 2017, and cut ties with her in January 2018.
My daughter is 14 months old, born early and underweight, and my mother still hasn't seen her.
To be honest, I need counselling about this, but I am so busy with work and providing for my family that I can't afford the time to go.
I just wanted OP to know they are not on their own. Parents can be real assholes.

Sunrise_Sunset

....... wrote: »

My mother was the "nice" parent - but in retrospect - was she really? She supported my father through awful behaviour, she saw how much harm and hurt he was causing and still stood by him. She chose him over her children at a time when we were vulnerable and very young, and then continued in that pattern for the rest of her life.

I dont know whether addiction is involved in your own family, but if it is Alanon really helped me.

Also - for many of us conflict resolution is learned behaviour and when we learn it from dysfunctional parenting we can grow up with the same bad behaviours ourselves. I still struggle with it to this day, decades after recognising that my parents way of resolving conflict wasnt healthy

I totally take your point on board. My partner has hinted at the same with my nice parent. But I really don't want to put any blame their way. I understand their reasons. Well, what I presume are their reasons. They are getting old and health is beginning to fail a bit, and they probably feel that they will need parent X to take care of them in old age. Addiction is not part of the issue with my parent. I agree with you regarding the learned behaviour. I've worked hard to break this, and continue to do so.

Hedgelayer wrote: »

Zero contact is best or very little for that matter.

You'll never win if you're up against a narcissist.
One can never change a Narcissist.....
Once a narc always a narc

I'm not even going to try to win. I just want a happy life now, and I'm not going to achieve that by either keeping them in my life, or by staying angry at them.
How do you deal with the narcissist in your family?

Deleted User wrote: »

I also have a narcissist mother. I haven't spoken to her since September 2017, and cut ties with her in January 2018.
My daughter is 14 months old, born early and underweight, and my mother still hasn't seen her.
To be honest, I need counselling about this, but I am so busy with work and providing for my family that I can't afford the time to go.
I just wanted OP to know they are not on their own. Parents can be real assholes.

I'm sorry you are going through similar issues and thank you for your message. I do feel alone. There aren't a lot of people I can talk to about this. The child of the parent always come off as the bad guy in these situations. I worry about being judged for this. I can't help it.

Sunrise_Sunset

valoren wrote: »

OP, the sadness comes from the realization that you know your parent is an asshole. You yourself are not a bully and to finally stand up for yourself and be treated disgustingly in response leaves a mark. This person was a caregiver and has no respect for you. That's a difficult state of mind. You feel bad because you needed to say your piece and presumably none of it was even listened to. The "give abuse-to provoke a reaction-then play the victim" routine is a hallmark of any narcissist.

You owe this person absolutely nothing. A telling reaction from your parent was to try and manipulate you with exclusion from the will. As if the worry about that will draw you back in. It's a manipulation technique called hoovering which a narcissist will use. You are quite capable of taking care of yourself and baiting you with threats of financial exclusion is pathetic. They have finally seen that you are no longer willing to play the doormat, their reaction to cut you out is the reaction of any bully who deep down is a coward. They don't want someone capable of taking them down around and so you had to go.

You go no contact with narcissistic bullies. No family events, no Christmas, no birthdays. The only 'winning' move is no move. You effectively treat them as if they are dead. For YOUR family Christmas, your birthday, your son's birthday I would make it clear to your other parent that they are invited. That creates for them a dilemma. Do they go and suffer abuse for having gone from their excluded spouse who has been cut out? Do they not go to and upset you and your son? They need to deal with that themselves. Don't be surprised if they stay and look to exclude you as well. Be prepared for that. They've seen what happens when someone (i.e. you) stopped taking **** from them and called them out.

That's not your problem anymore. It's your other parents self-created one and if they continue to stay with this person then that is the way it has to be. You have made the decision that your abusive parent is persona non grata. You make it clear this decision was made in lieu of this person cutting ties with you. Reconciliation in order to play 'happy family' will not be entertained. Put the foot down. Remember they are the one choosing to remain with their abusive spouse. If they are not free to go to your house for your family occasions then they have their own problems. You have chosen not to involve yourself in that problem. If they go and get abuse then it is their decision to remain involved with someone abusive and controlling. If they know you at all, they know you are not the problem, not the one who has caused this situation. You've just removed yourself from a toxic person. You've learned that the only way to deal with a toxic person is to not deal with them and that your decision to do that must be respected.

At 7 years old it might be time to explain the concept of bullying to your son. Explain to him that your parent is a bully and bullies make people feel bad. They make you feel bad and feel sad. Involve them by asking if they want you to feel bad? Tell them your parent makes you feel sad and that you can't be friends anymore. Sure, in time you will be smeared as being the villain who has turned their grandson against them etc. Be very wary of hoovering from this person which is done to draw you back in. Be firm. It will be difficult as the emotional manipulation will be inevitable. This person will never change and they will only do it so as to draw you back into that cycle of abuse.

You won't care anymore as you simply don't deal with them. The ability to intentionally blank and deliberately ignore will serve you well. Let them stew in their own hatred and misery. They are socially, emotionally and mentally dead to you and you've got your own family and priorities now. Don't spend any mental energy expecting any sort of mea culpa from this person. As other's have mentioned, this toxic situation will be manipulated into them being the victim and the best thing to do is to let them at it.

If I could thank you 100 times for this I would. I really appreciate your post. Yes to everything. You turned by day around. I'm going to re-read it and put it into practice until it's all second nature to me.

Charles Ingles

Be very careful here.
Speaking from experience I fell out with my mother 20 years ago and haven't spoken to her since.
It has had a devastating effect on my life and every relationship I've tried to form.
Weeks turn into years very fast then it becomes impossible to make contact again.
My advice stop judging your family member let it go don't fall out you will regret it.

Sunrise_Sunset

Charles Ingles wrote: »

Be very careful here.
Speaking from experience I fell out with my mother 20 years ago and haven't spoken to her since.
It has had a devastating effect on my life and every relationship I've tried to form.
Weeks turn into years very fast then it becomes impossible to make contact again.
My advice stop judging your family member let it go don't fall out you will regret it.

I'm sorry that you're going through that and it has affected you so negatively. I've been worrying about that for the past few months too. But even if I wanted to let it go and not fall out, that option was taken from me, because it was my parent that severed ties. My parent is holding a huge amount of anger and resentment towards me, and told me they don't want anything to do with me anymore, that I'm their daughter by name only, not to get in touch ever again, that I'm out of the will etc.
I worry about how this will affect my life. And that of my family and my extended family. It's all I've been thinking about. And my mind keeps going to "but what if they die and we are still estranged" and how I will feel then. But the relationship was affecting my life so badly when they were a part of it, I don't see how it could get any worse than that by not having them in my life now. I also feel they have gotten worse with old age. X is an extremely difficult person, and old age, and a brush with mortality has made them 1,000 times worse.

Hedgelayer

#####I'm not even going to try to win. I just want a happy life now, and I'm not going to achieve that by either keeping them in my life, or by staying angry at them.
How do you deal with the narcissist in your family?#####

Just keep it very civil, and very little contact.

If we need to talk I just ask them how they are, sometimes I talk about some friend of theirs and try not to get personal.

I never talk about myself or my life much, just keep the focus on them, even mention their hair, car or what they're wearing looks great.
They'll get all the narcissistic fuel they need, because the focus is on them and how great they are....
I know it's hard but it works, sometimes doing the opposite you think you should do is better.

As Billy Corgan from the Smashing pumpkins said "disarm you with a smile"

Charles Ingles

Sunrise_Sunset wrote: »

I'm sorry that you're going through that and it has affected you so negatively. I've been worrying about that for the past few months too. But even if I wanted to let it go and not fall out, that option was taken from me, because it was my parent that severed ties. My parent is holding a huge amount of anger and resentment towards me, and told me they don't want anything to do with me anymore, that I'm their daughter by name only, not to get in touch ever again, that I'm out of the will etc.
I worry about how this will affect my life. And that of my family and my extended family. It's all I've been thinking about. And my mind keeps going to "but what if they die and we are still estranged" and how I will feel then. But the relationship was affecting my life so badly when they were a part of it, I don't see how it could get any worse than that by not having them in my life now. I also feel they have gotten worse with old age. X is an extremely difficult person, and old age, and a brush with mortality has made them 1,000 times worse.

I was only 20 when I fell out with my mother she has the same personality as you have described your parents have.
I have 3 children my mother never met them or even tried and only lives 5 mins away.
It will eat you up its too late for me. But my advice is to keep even a small amount of civil contact.
My marriage failed because of the effect it had on me.
Honest it gets worse keep trying .
My mother had a baby by a priest became very bitter and pushed my and my siblings away.
When your mother doesn't love you and your estranged it affects every part of your life you will not function properly.
Reach out to them 20 years will go before you know it.
It's amazing all the things you described happened in my situation also but you heading down a road of pain and suffering.
You will be the biggest loser and carrying the Hurt every day

wiggle16

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I don't have much to add, there are a lot of posters here who clearly understand what you're going through and have given better advice than I ever could.

With regards what to tell your child, don't tell them anything - as others have said, kids shouldn't be involved in drama and should they learn the truth when they grow up they will think highly of you for keeping them above it. I just wanted to add that there's another, practical reason not to tell them anything, in case you're put on the spot - children repeat things and will have you hung. Your child could repeat something you said to the nice parent that you'd rather they didn't hear, or if you get back on speaking terms with the bad parent, the last thing you want them to hear is "I missed you while you were ignoring mammy/daddy". So just make your excuses!

I hope things improve for you soon. Good luck.

.......

Charles Ingles wrote: »

It's amazing all the things you described happened in my situation also but you heading down a road of pain and suffering.
You will be the biggest loser and carrying the Hurt every day

Im sorry that you have carried so much hurt but I cannot agree that it is necessary to keep a dysfunctional parent onside to save yourself.

I was estranged from both of my parents and they died while I was still estranged but I never regretted it.

Now, it took plenty of work and therapy and more work and more therapy for me to get over what I had been subjected to and how I had to behave to save myself, but it is entirely possible to heal yourself if you are willing to work on yourself.

I dont carry hurt every day and have not done so for a long long time now - since long before they died.

I didnt lose anything because I had nothing good to lose. My life vastly improved when I no longer had my toxic parent in it.

I would strongly suggest you go for counselling/work on yourself if your past had and continues to have such a negative effect on your current life.

Healing is available, we just have to work at it.

Seanachai

I have a narcissistic parent and what I see is a deeply wounded person who was failed by his own father, who by all accounts was a tyrant. It's a circle that has to be broken. The defenses he built up to protect himself are a house of cards, the narcissist wounds others, but they live a contracted, diminished life themselves.

I was 'supposed' to be a doctor or a scientist etc, but as I didn't live up to this, I'm not worthy in his eyes. When I visit home I still hear comparisons to the neighbours children, the local high achievers etc.

My anger towards him has lessened in the past few years as I see somebody who has all the money they could ever need and yet they have lost out in life. While his capacity for introspection seems to be low, in his retirement he does seem to be battling some demons.

The flip-side to this is that in the last month that I had a major falling out with a good friend and they outlined in an email how I had failed them. It hit me like a steam-train, I'd been behaving like a narcissist, self-absorbed and ungrateful.

I've been jolted out of my daze and now I have to pick up the pieces and I want to engage in some treatment. I do believe that the damage caused by narcissists can be healed and the person can regain independence and make sure to not pass the poisonous inheritance on.

The narcissist is not the god they project themselves to be, they are delusional, lonely and live an inauthentic life.