Feeling unappreciated

LegacyUser

I was reading the "should I worry about the slowdown in sex thread" and I felt so sad afterwards. The poster mentioned giving their partner a handjob in the morning - this is something that would never happen in my relationship.
I initiate sex 100% of the time and when my partner is in the mood they will fully participate, however they will only be in the mood very occasionally (we had sex maybe 5 or 6 times last year).
We're in our 40s with a couple of great teenagers. I am the sole earner with a decent income, however I feel unappreciated sometimes mostly due to the lack of intimacy that my wife displays towards me.
I'm not sure where this is going, I know there will be advice to "talk to her" but if I raise the issue she will clam up and react so that I'll feel guilty for raising it at all.
The only options that I can see are:
(1) put up with it (I'm used to doing this for years so it's not the end of the world to continue this way, but nothing will change).
(2) raise the issue and try to improve things (I tried this before but it only made things worse so I don't like this option).
(3) have an affair (I have thought about this a lot but don't consider it an option as I wouldn't do that to a partner, I sometimes worry though what would happen if on a very rare night out someone "came onto" me).
(4) separate - I do love her and we get on ok so this is not something that I want to do (there's also the starting over again with the house etc, I guess laziness comes into it too).
(5) ?

Not sure what to do if anything, I suppose you accept what you settle for?

Springfields

Well if you're not going to talk to her nothing is going to change so it's up to you whether you're that bothered or not ? There is usually a reason for lack of intimacy so if you really want to solve this you need to ask her to talk to you. Can't see why she wouldn't want to improve this aspect of your relationship if all else is well. Try seeing this for her point of view - you seem to have already made up your mind that nothing will come of a.discussion. maybe she will suggest you go elsewhere for intimacy ? Maybe she would be happy with that ? You will.never know unless you talk to her openly. Good luck

manonboard

Just spit balling op.
Sorry for your difficulties.

Have you looked into things/qualities/dynamics that she wants?

Eg. I find my sex with partners goes way up when I do a few things.

Don't constantly hound them for sex. Men tend to get aroused quite differently.

Help cultivate flirtation n dating dynamics in my relationship instead of work bed sex. Creating anticipation.

No sex intimacy. Hugging. Kissing. Touching.
Repeat next night. If they start to become arousing. End it there n allow it to simmer for a day. That next day. Go get them flowers r breakfast in the morning. That way they are getting lots of the qualities they desire met n feel appreciated.

N then of course. Always work on your own attractiveness. Stay well. Healthy. Dress well. Do your own hobbies, have your own. Opinions so that someone exists there they can fancy.


I know it's super hard after years. It helps me though.

aloneforever99

Another_wonderer wrote: »

(2) raise the issue and try to improve things (I tried this before but it only made things worse so I don't like this option).

Is it possible that your wife also feels unappreciated?

You are the sole earner so I imagine (correct me if I'm wrong) she takes most of the responsibility for cleaning the house, laundry, lunches for school, dinners, managing the kids after school activities, homework, birthdays etc etc etc

If she doesn't feel appreciated for her contribution, maybe you bringing up sex rubs salt in the wound.

Could you try going about initiating sex more indirectly. Like, if you sit down for a big serious talk and said "I am unhappy because we won't have sex often enough", it's no wonder that goes down like a lead balloon.

Instead, could you say something like "We've both been so busy lately. Why don't we leave the kids with X (grandparents, aunt, whoever) next Saturday night and have a night to ourselves. We could go dancing/ out for a fancy dinner/ away for the night."

Do something you enjoyed before the kids came along, make sure she knows you still find her attractive and try to have a laugh. Create an environment where sex will happen naturally. Go down on her. Remind her how pleasurable sex is.

If it works, make it a once a month thing, and go from there.

Reesy

If you ask her for a conversation about your love life & future together, do you think she'll talk to you about the subject?

I'd suggest you make your first objective to understand where she's at - and _afterwards_ to explain where you're at. Once you understand each other's position, you can decide (ideally together) what to do next.

Good luck.

Plopsu

Was it always like this? If not, when did it change?

jimd2

Another_wonderer wrote: »

I was reading the "should I worry about the slowdown in sex thread" and I felt so sad afterwards. The poster mentioned giving their partner a handjob in the morning - this is something that would never happen in my relationship.
I initiate sex 100% of the time and when my partner is in the mood they will fully participate, however they will only be in the mood very occasionally (we had sex maybe 5 or 6 times last year).
We're in our 40s with a couple of great teenagers. I am the sole earner with a decent income, however I feel unappreciated sometimes mostly due to the lack of intimacy that my wife displays towards me.
I'm not sure where this is going, I know there will be advice to "talk to her" but if I raise the issue she will clam up and react so that I'll feel guilty for raising it at all.
The only options that I can see are:
(1) put up with it (I'm used to doing this for years so it's not the end of the world to continue this way, but nothing will change).
(2) raise the issue and try to improve things (I tried this before but it only made things worse so I don't like this option).
(3) have an affair (I have thought about this a lot but don't consider it an option as I wouldn't do that to a partner, I sometimes worry though what would happen if on a very rare night out someone "came onto" me).
(4) separate - I do love her and we get on ok so this is not something that I want to do (there's also the starting over again with the house etc, I guess laziness comes into it too).
(5) ?

Not sure what to do if anything, I suppose you accept what you settle for?

What was it like in your early days? Have ye guys got a good relationship generally?

Reason that i ask is that if there is a core basis of a relationship there then it is probably worth saving.

You should try and book some time away with your wife to somewhere you would both like and try and rekindle things. Hopefully this could be a spark to improve some intimacy.

When you return try and identify a time that is suitable for both of you and try and initiate things by being a little more subtle. This could be by giving here a massage etc and generally building up to sex.

This type of approach may not work but I think it is worth pursuing and getting to the bottom of what has changed in your relationship. After all, your children have mostly grown up and you should start to make time for each other.

WrigleysExtra

Op the answer is simple, your wife no longer desires you, she's become comfortable and we'll you're already married so she doesn't feel like sex is all that important.

Here's what you need to do.
1. Join a gym and start working out and getting into better shape. Do this immediately if you dont already.
2. Start dressing better and looking after your physical appearance.
3. Organise a few trips away with your pals without her.
4. Any female attention you receive in her presence, go along with it without making it obvious.
5. Make yourself your own mental point of origin.

You need to trigger her desire for you again, you need to make her think " he's looking good these days where has this change come from ".

joeguevara

WrigleysExtra wrote: »

Op the answer is simple, your wife no longer desires you, she's become comfortable and we'll you're already married so she doesn't feel like sex is all that important.

Here's what you need to do.
1. Join a gym and start working out and getting into better shape. Do this immediately if you dont already.
2. Start dressing better and looking after your physical appearance.
3. Organise a few trips away with your pals without her.
4. Any female attention you receive in her presence, go along with it without making it obvious.
5. Make yourself your own mental point of origin.

You need to trigger her desire for you again, you need to make her think " he's looking good these days where has this change come from ".

Where does it say she doesn’t find him attractive? All of your advice pivots from that. Maybe it is because she doesn’t find herself attractive. Maybe she feels that because she isn’t earning a wage it might affect her self esteem. Maybe she has a medical issue that lowers libido or might make intercourse uncomfortable. The OP might be feeling down enough that they don’t need someone saying he is not attractive and should go to the gym if it is not the case.

OP. There is no getting around you need to improve communication. That does not mean a big sit down to discuss nomsex. It could me something like asking her what you could do to turn her on, it could mean simply telling her she is beautiful and give her a kiss with no expectation of sex. It could mean a text saying you miss her at work and wants to show her how much you appreciate her when you come home. It could mean asking could you do something special for her.

Now, don’t think for one second that I think you are to blame her and all my advice is you trying to do things for her. But it might help the bigger picture and that is good for both of you. Hope it all works out,

You are a young enough man OP, is this how you want your (only) life to play out? What do you actually want?

Why are you still the sole earner if the your kids are teenagers? What is your plan when they head off to college? What you are calling laziness is inertia, and it's hard to overcome, and it will never be overcome until you know what you want.