Wedding issue - is this a big deal?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I am posting this here as I wanted to post anonymously. I really hope this doesn't come across as too trivial as it is really bothering me.

I'm getting married this summer and I don't have the greatest relationship with my Mum but we have some contact. She's an alcoholic and a gambling addict. I've been to a Psyhcotherapist for a few years and am still attending due to the issues from my childhood.

My Mum is invited to the wedding. My parents are separated and my Dad isn't invited to the wedding due to his abuse over the years.

That's the background to give an idea of where I'm coming from. I'm not a bridezilla and there's been no major drama really about the wedding.

A few months ago my Mum mentioned she wanted to wear a very large black hat to the wedding. At the time I calmly and respectfully asked her not to because it's a summer wedding. I'm not the kind of person who tells others what to do, she's a grown woman and can make her own choices but I simply asked her to respect my wishes and wear a different colour, any other colour as its a summer wedding.

I think she wants to stand out but I think it'll be for all the wrong reasons. I've had a life time of her 'standing out' (because she's an alcoholic) and I just wanted her to look nice, not stand out and not make a fuss on the day.

A few more times the back hat thing came up and I asked her to pick another colour as it was important to me. For a while all was OK but now it seems she's gone back to the large black hat idea and will not be swayed.

I just would love some advice on what to do. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Do I have a right to be annoyed? It's so much more complicated by the fact that our relationship is strained and this is just another thing in a long line of unnecessary dramas she has created.

My take on it is that she should just respect my small request. I've literally not asked another single thing of her in relation to the wedding. Am I feeding into her need for drama by being annoyed by this? Should I just let it go? I know I can't put my foot down and stop her, I just feel so hurt that she won't listen to me, she never does!

fima

Let her wear her black hat and look ridiculous and end up with a sweaty head if it’s (hopefully) a nice day! She sounds selfish so let her show everyone her true colours while you ignore her and enjoy your day.

Foweva Awone

Ah here, let the woman wear what she wants, it's not as though she wants to wear a wedding dress or something! If that's what she'll be most comfortable wearing, why not.

SeaFields

There's going to be a lot more stressful things to be worrying about as the day approaches as much as you try to keep the planning stress free. Leave her off with her big black hat.

eviltwin

I'd let her wear the hat. In the greater scheme of things it's not that important and if it makes her feel more comfortable on the day I'd let it go. Given her issues you want her to be as at ease as possible, it makes your day less stressful.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you're going to have to let this one go. It sounds like the more you ask her to wear something else, the more she'll dig her heels in and wear it. I'm struggling to remember what most mothers of the bride wore to the weddings I've been at anyway. They all start to blend into one another after a while.

punisher5112

Have a great time, it's your day and leave her off to make a fool of herself.

It's sad and I really feel for you and that you had to go through all of that with a horrible dad and a poor role model of a mother.

Is there any family on her side like a brother or sister that could keep her in check and watch over her somewhat.

Look plan for your day and fiance and both enjoy yourselves.

Forget about the hat and leave her off.

Big Bag of Chips

I would hazard a guess that the black hat she hopes to wear is possibly something she already owns or someone has offered to her. If she's an alcoholic and a gambler I suspect she's not flush with cash. So maybe she simply cannot afford to buy something else.

What colour dress is she wearing? A black hat with a coloured dress might be lovely on her. She'll probably have a black handbag/clutch and shoes to match.

I honestly think it's not worth getting worked up over. Nobody will take any notice of her really. I was at a wedding only this week... Apart from the bride's dress (which I paid particular attention to because I knew people would ask me about it!) I couldn't really point out what anyone else wore! Nobody cares. And certainly not enough to comment on her hat not being 'of the season'.

woodchuck

Mod note:

Kidchameleon, your post was deleted. It's below the standard expected of posters in PI and did not offer any advice.

All posters are reminded to post advice in a civil manner.

wiggle16

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I would hazard a guess that the black hat she hopes to wear is possibly something she already owns or someone has offered to her. If she's an alcoholic and a gambler I suspect she's not flush with cash. So maybe she simply cannot afford to buy something else

This was the exact situation with my ex's mother, all the time. I'd imagine she wants to get a wear out of it if it's something she already owns.

OP i'd let her wear it. She will probably look silly but if this is the only hitch with your wedding so far I would let it be.

By all means offer/suggest alternatives, but accept it and move on if she turns up on the day with a bin lid on her head.

At least she's not wearing white like!

I've seen some 8-car-pile-up-style mother of the bride get ups, but no one remembers all that after the fact. It's your wedding. As my ma always says when my sister is agonising over what to wear to occaisions "oh get a grip, nobody's going to be looking at you!"

It's your day. Enjoy it and dont stress about this.