How long does it take for someone to take a hint?

LegacyUser

I have a mate about 7 years now, we work together and used to play 5 a side and go on the beer a lot in the first few years and he's not a bad guy as such but there are parts of his personality which started to really grate on me the last year like his insistence on always being right, he could be moody too. Never bothered me at first but now I have enough of him. So I just cut him off, literally stopped talking to him unless 100% necessary. We don't work on the same team just the same department so I see him everyday but I've stopped being cordial. He seemed confused at first when he tried to talk to me several times and I gave him one word answers but I thought he was getting the hint as he kept away from me. But then 2 weeks back he shared some stupid picture with me as a laugh thinking id find him all funny again when really I wish he would just never talk to me again.

I know, it might be a bit cowardly just to cut him out but realistically, how often do people have to get ignored before they get the hint? Im thinking deep down this person is never going to change so what's the point in telling them? I'm hoping silence will do the trick..

ASOT

Probably not the answer your looking for op but grow a set and say it to his face. Itll all be over then.

gifted

I think your doing him a favour....sounds like he's better off without you.......

wiggle16

You're hoping silence will do the trick but can see he is confused and is still trying to get your attention, even though you've been blanking him for what sounds like weeks. If you don't want to socialise with someone that's your call, but I think the way you've done it is very unkind. I have worked with PLENTY of people I couldn't stand the sight of but being nice costs nothing. You're not obliged to be friends with him but you are being unkind to him.

He clearly misses you and probably thinks he did something wrong. He didn't, you just got tired of him. You tried blanking him and it didn't work. Why don't you just do the decent thing and tell him?

"Hi John, I know I've been distant the last while. I should have been up front with you. I feel we have grown apart over the last couple of years and I don't get the enjoyment out of our friendship that I used to. We clash on a lot of things and I don't have the energy for that kind of a friendship any more. I realise this will probably hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. But I hope we can maintain a professional distance in future..." etc.

pwurple

I think cutting people out, silent treatment and blanking are all forms of bullying. It is mean to let him think nothing has changed, except maybe you are in a mood. Making a snide remark about him trying to cheer you up with a funny picture... not nice.

Another vote from me for talking, small talk and professional. Just talk to him as you would any other colleague , be civil. Go out on the beer less if you want.

Sorry about that

Mates for 7 years and you just drop him ln that manner? Surely you were raised better than that.
Your behaviour is extremely unkind, but you don't seem to see that as the problem at all, so only advice would be to watch out for Karma, I've heard she's not a nice lady sometimes.

dmm82

I dont mean to sound horrible but I feel bad for that guy. You sound so heartless. It's possible that he has no idea that he goes on the way he does, did you ever try and speak to him/ pull him up on it? If you did and he still acts this way that's one thing but there's a good chance that he is clueless. I think everyone has bad habits or mannerisms that they don't notice in themselves. It sounds like this guy thought of you as a friend and now has no clue why you're blanking him. That's not nice

zoobizoo

SendingHints wrote: »

So I just cut him off. ...... I've stopped being cordial.

He seemed confused at first ....

how often do people have to get ignored before they get the hint? .

What do you hope to achieve by your childish behaviour?


Refusing to talk to someone is bizarre. There are people who I don't like who I still talk to and have conversations with at work. That's how adults get on.

If you want to behave like an adult then tell him straight.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you have every right to decide whom you want to be friends with. Doesn't matter why or how, it is your choice to make.

But there is a way to deal with people, that is respectful of them. So my advice is to be more respectful of this person, and sit down with him over a coffee and tell him to his face.

You will have to expect this wont be welcome news but you can at least look him in the eyes and tell him. The reason you are trying to get away with the chat is you want to avoid having this conversation, the same way as a kid pretends he is asleep when he doesn't want to talk with an adult.

Kidchameleon

OP you are a bully. Depending on where you work, you could be risking disiplinary action.

LegacyUser

OP, you really need to cop on with this. You've treated this person very shabbily for no reason other than you've outgrown them as a friend. Blanking someone in this manner who you were once close with is childish and cruel. Please do both yourself and him a favour by being direct; tell him you'd like to put the brakes on the friendship but that there are no hard feelings. And I'd also apologise for your recent behavior towards him, unless you want it getting around the office that you're not a particularly nice person.

SusieBlue

OP did you post about this before, this sounds very familiar?
I believe you received similar advice last time if so.

mollygreene

SusieBlue wrote:

OP did you post about this before, this sounds very familiar? I believe you received similar advice last time if so.

I feel like I recently read a thread from the other guy's view alright not OPs..

Rubberchikken

moodiness and or the want to always be right are wearing and annoying.
but youve been friendly with him for 7 years so there must be positive things too.
as you work with him, albeit on a different team, try to at least be civil and pleasant towards him.
cutting him off, barely answering him etc is confusing and hurtful. yes some of his personality traits are annoying but being cold towards him is unnecessary.

joeguevara

There are always two sides to a story and I think people are being hard to the OP to a certain extent. Most people don’t like confrontation and saying to someone that has been in your life for 7 years that you don’t want to be friends with them might force a confrontation that the OP wants to avoid.

People aren’t inherently bad and sometimes friends stop being friends. Most of the time it happens organically and people just drift away from each other. Other times it requires it to come to a head. It’s probably harder than a breakup as it’s easier to say to a bf/gf that the spark has gone and better to not see each other.

But if the hint isn’t being taken then you have to options. Keep doing what your doing but expect the odd text and trying to meet up. Or else say ‘listen bud, we aren’t the same people and I hate saying it but we aren’t as good mates as we were’.

Remember he has feelings though and it’s horrible when mates drift. Also, if it grates that he thinks he’s always right, then it’s because you think you’re right. Don’t be mean (not saying you are) but be mindful that he is probably lonely. Horrible place for someone to be. Hope it works out for both of ye.

Calltocall

Really horrible form OP, wouldn’t like to be your mate.

PressRun

I don't think it's nice to blank someone you've been friends with for so many years, especially when that person hasn't done anything wrong per se. It might be different if he'd hurt or insulted you in some way that was very obvious to both of you, but the guy has no idea what he's done wrong. You've just left him high and dry. You may have grown tired of him and you don't have to remain in a friendship that you don't have the energy for anymore, but I think you at least owe the guy an explanation.

Andrew00

<SNIP> Post is not of an acceptable standard for PI. Please read the charter before posting again

dudara

BuboBubo

Rubberchikken wrote: »

moodiness and or the want to always be right are wearing and annoying.
but youve been friendly with him for 7 years so there must be positive things too.
as you work with him, albeit on a different team, try to at least be civil and pleasant towards him.
cutting him off, barely answering him etc is confusing and hurtful. yes some of his personality traits are annoying but being cold towards him is unnecessary.

This ^^^

It costs nothing to be civil and jovial to work mates. Even if ye aren't "drinking buddies" any more, you could at least try to be sociable in work. Chances are, he might think something terrible has happened in your life, and he's going around clueless and trying to cheer you up.