Time to go?

LegacyUser

Going anonymous for this post.

Been with my wife for 15 years and married for 10, both in early 40's with 2 young kids. She's always been quite argumentative (with everyone) and struggles to cope if she doesn't get her own way. I'm quite chilled in terms of I believe that everyone has a right to a happy life and I would never get in the way of anything she wanted to do, be that going out, going away for a break, whatever, life is too short and I don't want to control anybody.
She was always a bit controlling too, more so since we've been married. Since we had our first kid though things moved to another level and the verbal abuse set in. I was constantly told that I was useless and not helping, even though I did most of the night feeds and was there more than normal as I worked from home at that time. Nothing seemed good enough but I put it down to the big upheaval of having our first kid. It only got worse though and jumping forward to the present I am constantly walking around with what seems like a weight on my shoulders worrying about what I'll do next to annoy her. I get abuse daily, things like 'you're a loser', 'you're thick', 'you have no brain', 'you're angry and aggressive'. She would be right in my face when she says these things and I hold on for as long as I can trying to say nothing but eventually I crack and call her a psycho or a narcissist or tell her to just f*%k off. That's when she stops and says 'see how angry you are?'

She constantly has to get her own way. Even with the kids as soon as the key is in the front door she is saying 'wash your hands' over and over to the point where I say 'relax, they'll do it in a minute, let them get in first' or when they're eating its 'hurry, hurry, hurry'. But when I tell her to relax about it she says that I wouldn't understand anyway and wouldn't care if they never washed or if they ate junk all day, which is totally wrong. I can't give them treats because she will flip but she can whenever she feels like it, so they associate treats with her and I'm the baddie who says no.

If I buy the wrong present for Christmas or a birthday she will go on and on until I literally leave the house and get something else. If I even make her some toast and it's too well done she will cry and throw a tantrum.

It's at the point now where I feel that I'm going mad and starting to believe what she says even though deep down I know I'm none of the things she says I am.

If I go out for a night I'm made to feel bad for days on end. If I read a book in the evening, she'll go on about how I'm reading my stupid book again. Even if I turn off a light I'll get abused for it.

Her dad died 3 years ago just 2 weeks before we had our second child and whilst I was there for her like any husband would be I had to look after both the kids for a while because she was in hospital for a while after the birth. She has told me that she will never forgive me for how I treated her at that time even though her family were calling me and telling me how great I was being to her and asking if I needed help.

I make a good living and work hard, we have our own place and the kids want for nothing yet I'm constantly made to feel like I'm not doing enough to the point where I'm beginning to get depressed.

She says that all of her friends think I'm horrible to her too but they tell me the opposite when I see them. I've actually told them what she says about them and they say that they've never said anything like that about me at all to her.

At this stage I just want to get out, I can't feel love for her when she is so nasty constantly.

Am I wrong to feel like I've had enough?

LegacyUser

Ah here, life is too short.
Whatever her problem is , she needs to cop herself on& sort herself out asap.
Whatever about you- a grown adult who has reasoning& logic but is still at breaking point- she can't subject your 2 young children to this toxic behaviour.
Firstly, get legal advice. And counselling for yourself. Then strategise.
Once you have all your ducks in a row- call her bluff. Next time she starts ranting, ask her what she wants to do- Go to couples counselling? Separate? Divorce? Either shape up or ship out

Honeydew3456

timetogo? wrote: »

Am I wrong to feel like I've had enough?

No, not at all. Your post was sad to read. Awful to think that peoole who are supposed to love us can treat us so badly. Been there, felt that and got out. I was also married with two children but escaped that hell of mental torture and now I am like a new person breathing fresh air and feeling the sun on my face. My children are happy and well adjusted. They no longer see a strained, walking on egg shells mum and they see their dad everyday. Best thing I ever did. It took years of pleading to him for change, explaining how much he hurt me, marraige counselling until I decided enough is enough. I had given him a lot of years. Life is way too short for that BS.

Controlling and agressive behaviour will destroy any good relationship. It's not sustainable. How could it be. Can these people change? I don't know. Can you love someone like thst? I think now. They push you away.

Why don't you book marraige counselling, tell her you have it booked. Tell her you are both in danger. See if she is willing to go. If not, my opinion is that there is a dis-regard for your feelings in all this. The writing is on the wall then.

I hope things improve for you. It's a shocking existence.

LegacyUser

I could have written your exact post 2 years ago, I was miserable, functioning like a robot.

I am now separated about 18 months, it was very hard to make the break with kids and the unknown and losing the familiar.

It's very easy for people to say you need to break up, move out etc, but theres no point in lying, it was the toughest thing I have ever gone through and it was honestly a year of hell, doubt, panic and questioning myself whether I'd done the right thing.
I went through a really hard time trying to adjust to a completely different life and the upset it caused for everyone, it is very difficult.

I sit here now so glad I did it though, the independence I have, the lack of stress the not being beholden to someone and ability to be my own person for myself and with my kids has completely changed me as a person and a parent and I'm actually enjoying my life and feel happy and content for the first time I can remember.

Calltocall

OP I would recommend getting your ducks in a row discreetly, legal advice etc, look at possibility of short term alternative accommodation etc as a backup and then have a sit down basically laying it on the line that things have to change as you are very unhappy with your relationship and that you both need to deal with that as adults and bottom line things cannot continue the way they have been, nobody should have to lay their head every night where they are unhappy, I’ve been there, it’s like a self imposed prison sentence.

IF you are met with aggression/negative response be prepared for the get out of the house etc, now hopefully you don’t get that response and she may break and tell you that she is very unhappy also there may be a lot of tears but it could clear the dark cloud hanging over your relationship and could lead to an improvement where both of you admit faults and agree to work harder but if you don’t and all of the blame is put on you then I’m afraid the only answer is to leave and follow through on an exit strategy, first six months would be very rough but think of short term pain for long term gain, it’s not easy at all but what’s clear you can’t continue on the path you are on. Lastly I will say if you feel no love for her anymore and don’t want to try to fix that & deep down know that all the counselling in the world won’t change that then best to be honest with your wife and push ahead with a separation plan. Good luck to you OP

Arrival

You shouldn't even give her a chance to work on this, pull the rug completely out from under her. She thinks you're worthless so it should be easy for her to carry on without you, right? Nah, she'll **** herself when you let her know the reality of how severely she's harmed you and the family. Speak to a solicitor as others have said and find a good counsellor to help you cope with the process and you'll be heading towards freedom and happiness in no time

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your responses. It feel s good to share this and not keep it in and doubt my own sanity.

I don’t think that counselling would help us because in all of the time I’ve known her she has never once admitted to being wrong about anything that I fire back at her. All I get when I try to defend myself is literally ‘bla, bla, bla, angry, angry, angry’. I’m afraid that the only thing which will make her realise what she has done is when I have left and she starts to look inward. I’ve told her that and I’ve said once I’m gone that’s it, so make sure it’s what you want before driving me away.

I’ve been saving and preparing to go and get myself a place to live close by. I don’t even want a part of the house, that’s for the kids, I just want a clean break.

Those of you that have been through this, I’m really glad that you’ve come out the other side with no regrets. Thanks all for you advice, it’s much appreciated.

daithi7

Hii Op,
Sorry to hear of your sad predicament. Is reiterate what others have advised here. Also start diarying the incidents of abuse now, Also any corroborating texts, emails, vmails,etc etc and compile a dossier to back up your version of the abusive nature of the relationship in any mediation, proceedings, etc

Ask your legal advisors about this and other aspects.

Good luck with it Op, I think you'll get to a happier life