Mother just went into a nursing home

az2wp0sye65487

My mother has Alzheimer's. It's been progressing for a couple of years. She also has type 2 diabetes and was diagnosed with breast cancer too - and had surgery recently for that.

She's in her late 70's and physically is still in OK condition, was still going up and down the stairs in her house, could take short walks etc.

She has become so forgetful that she wasn't washing/showering, not eating properly or regularly, and wouldn't remember to take her meds.

The thing is though, she is still sharp and you can have normal interactions & conversations with her (she just forgets everything as soon as it's over).

Between the doctors and my family the decision was made to move her into a nursing home after recovery from surgery in hospital, instead of sending her home. So she just went in on Friday.

Today my brother and his wife went to visit and she was fighting with them for "putting me in here" etc.

I was supposed to go visit today and take my young kids to visit granny, but given the mood she was in i didn't want to bring the kids. We're not sure whether it's better to be there more or less often as she can get a bit upset and/or mean if she thinks we 'put her in there'.

The reality is though that we wouldn't be able to give her the care she needs 24/7.

I'm questioning whether she's gone in too early and whether she'd have been alright at home for another while.

Feel terrible.

punisher5112

It's very tough alright.

Be there for her and maybe when her mood is low having the kids would cheer her up.

Only one way you will find this out as you will have to tag them along.

It's a sad truth for you all but you can be happy she will get the care she needs.

I remember my grandad having to go in as he couldn't do as much as before and understood and was as bright till the end.

His memory was a no issue and that was the part that hurt me as you could see he was really wanting to go home but he just couldn't as the house was so far out in the country and his legs were so bad.

Taltos

Your feelings of guilt are only natural.

In terms of bringing the kids, they may force her to behave herself but for your own later piece of mind get in as soon as you can and sort out a routine among the family so that she is keep in the loop and no one person is overloaded.

Also maybe talk to the nursing home to see if they advise day trips for her - to a town or a coffee shop.

Finally, please make sure you’ve gotten legal advise and that power of attorney has been sorted, in line with that, joint access to bank accounts, utilities, pensions etc are in place - but again checks and balances, there are horror stories out there, I personally know of someone who tried to sell the family home from under their parent so again put controls in place so no one person has that much power if at all possible.

One other thing, look to see if there are any support groups in the area for you to go and join or meet up with. I met with a local group and connected to them on facebook, and having others going through the same thing (you’ll be surprised at how similar) really does help. You aren’t alone in this so don’t cut yourself off.

Atlantic Dawn

It takes a good while to settle in a nursing home, if you can try to establish a routine where you, your brother and any other family members visit every x day it will at least give them something to look forward to and break up their week.

looksee

Of course you feel terrible, anyone would. But the reality is that sometimes you have to make hard decisions. Would it have been wise to wait until something serious happened before you decided to put her in the nursing home? She also needed convalescence after her operation so presumably would have been admitted somewhere for a few weeks anyway.

Is her house still available to her, or possibly sheltered accommodation? Could you regard this as the convalescence I mentioned and have another think maybe in a month about whether it is entirely necessary for her to be in a nursing home at this stage? Could she manage with home help/carers?

Though call-in carers can be as stressful for everyone as going into a home, depending on the luck of the draw, we found some needed almost 100% supervision, which defeats the object.

Don't avoid going because she might be in a bad mood though, and do keep an eye on whether the mood might be caused by inadequate care. Don't deprive her of the children, maybe not every time you go in, but children are very resilient and you can explain that granny has been ill and isn't feeling very well, though she will probably be less inclined to complain in front of the children.

az2wp0sye65487

Taltos wrote: »

Your feelings of guilt are only natural.

In terms of bringing the kids, they may force her to behave herself but for your own later piece of mind get in as soon as you can and sort out a routine among the family so that she is keep in the loop and no one person is overloaded.

Also maybe talk to the nursing home to see if they advise day trips for her - to a town or a coffee shop.

Finally, please make sure you’ve gotten legal advise and that power of attorney has been sorted, in line with that, joint access to bank accounts, utilities, pensions etc are in place - but again checks and balances, there are horror stories out there, I personally know of someone who tried to sell the family home from under their parent so again put controls in place so no one person has that much power if at all possible.

One other thing, look to see if there are any support groups in the area for you to go and join or meet up with. I met with a local group and connected to them on facebook, and having others going through the same thing (you’ll be surprised at how similar) really does help. You aren’t alone in this so don’t cut yourself off.

Yeah the power of attorney, checks & balances are all sorted and in place.

Not sure about the kids - my brother had his kids with him this afternoon and that didn't stop her!

Regarding trips, there's no physical reason why not, but the nursing home is in the local area where she lived and we're waiting until she settles in a bit more and is used to living there. The fear is that she will be expecting to go home after whatever outing, and not back to the nursing home

Sorry about that

Hi op, what a tough time for you all. I’m sure you have supported your mother for years, probably well before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Remember that now. It is impossible to look after your own family, and ensure your mother’s safety and wellbeing. You wouldn’t have been advised by GP etc if it wasn’t the appropriate course of action.

I might consider waiting a little while before bringing in the children to visit. There can be confused, sometimes agitated residents in nursing homes, and if your mother is also upset, the whole experience can be pretty traumatic for a child. In time, things will settle, but it’s raw right now.

You will work out a plan that suits you all, and maximises visit times for your mother. For now, get your head around the new reality, and most importantly, no guilt please.

az2wp0sye65487

OK so I went to see my mother this evening. I got a bit of a shock to be honest. She's in a dementia specialist place. The other residents are at way more advanced stages than my mother.

She's still quite physically able. She can have conversations etc. while the rest of them are sitting there doing or saying nothing. Some of them are wandering around aimlessly. There are no other residents that she can chat to.

It also seemed to me that the staff are treating her the same way they're treating the other residents.... speaking to them in a slightly loud, higher pitch than usual. Almost in a patronising way.

My mother still watches television, reads the paper etc. - apparently earlier today one of the staff gave her a coloring book - which really upset her as she saw it as an insult.

I will say that the facility she's in is brand new and not yet fully occupied, so i don't know if there will be more people 'at her level' admitted.... But as of now she doesn't even seem as if there's anything wrong with her compared to the others..

I have zero experience in anything like this. Did she go in to this place too early????

Would she be better off at home???

I'm so sad / confused / shocked that I don't know what to say, think or do.