Relationship I cannot Stay or Leave

LegacyUser

Hi, I am posting anon here as I feel too embarrassed about my situation.

I am with my girlfriend for 7 years. when we got together she was living in a foster home but since then (4 years ago) we moved out together, just the two of us into an apartment.

Things went a little downhill during our first year. Admittedly, I caused some of that as I had a crush on a girl I was in college with, and my girlfriend noticed I was viewing her photos on Facebook and texting her every so often. However, nothing ever happened. To this day, I still feel horrible as to how bad that made my GF feel. As it was worse than when this normally happens in relationships as my GF had left her foster home and became very anxious that I was cheating and would leave her. Which, along with ruining our relationship, would leave her homeless/ vulnerable.

We moved past my mistake and generally got along. However, we stopped having sex. It would occasionally happen maybe every 4-5 months, and would feel like it was a chore for her.

This pretty much continued for two years - I would occasionally voice my opinion on it, but she would say 'You never want it either' - to which my response would be 'there is only so many times I can be told no'.

One year ago, our rent became too expensive (Dublin). We were very stressed about this. My cousin, with whom I am close, was experiencing the same, and the three of us decided to get a house together, as it reduced costs. Everyone wins. After 3-4 months of living together, he asked me what was up with how I am treated. He said he notices that if my GF wants something (A coffee, something from the shop, food etc...) she just moans at me until I will do it. I, of course, had been aware of this but to be honest, most of the time I would rather just do it that have the argument, and I guess it makes her life a little easier as she let insignificant things in work etc... stress her out. Even though I have a much more stressful job, I handle things better. Anyway, I just kind of brushed it off with, oh its a joke/ I dont mind. But I do mind, I would never let anyone else speak to me the way she does. I don't know how I got here. Its strange though, its not like she is being mean, its more like the way a spoiled child just kind of expects things to be handed over. I have also brought this up and she just tells me I am making her feel bad and turns it on me. She will shout in an argument, I won't, I have quite a long fuse. But ultimately, I get worn out as the arguments are not constructive and generally boil down to childish: "I did this" and "you did that" type things.

So we've been living in the house with my cousin for a year now. And we have not had sex here once, and before that it was once every 6 months or so. I reckon this dry spell could last forever to be honest. I have kind of just gotten used to living like this.

I really wasn't planning on writing this today, I just happened to get a spare hour or so with the house to myself and found myself questioning what my life is. I am 28 now. Another 7 years and I will be 35 and I just don't know how to even start. If we broke up I wouldn't even know how to be single. Besides, If we broke up she would be homeless, as naturally I could live with my cousin but she has literally nobody. Her friends are in relationships/ having kids and there is no way she could afford even a studio apartment anywhere near Dublin. I do love my girlfriend, and in general, the mad thing is that we get along well, spend most evenings/ weekends together. I just feel like my life is not what I think other peoples are. Like obviously I know other people have their issues, but i'd be embarrassed if I told anyone my issue.

Recently we went to a friend of mine house warming party. We were sitting there and his girlfriends joked saying the had 'already done it in every room'. I just couldn't help thing that they had sex more times in two weeks than I have in like 2-4 years.

I'm rambling here, but I feel like if I stay in this relationship I am missing out on a girl who might respect me/ want to be intimate. But if I break up with my GF it will be horrible for her and I will also lose someone I do love deeply and enjoy spending time with.

Does anyone have any advice as to what to do here? I feel so sad about this but I know if I bring it up it will end in it being blamed on me or worse.....horrible forced sex.

LegacyUser

Hi

You know yourself that you can't keep going the way things are. Instead of breaking up, have a good long chat with her about how things are. I can't imagine you're the only one that's noticed the lack of sex, I'm sure she's thought about it too...have you tried to initiate sex and she's said no? Have ye ever talked about why ye don't have sex anymore? You might find that she's just as worried and wants to get back on track but doesn't know how, or ye need to spice things up after so long together , or maybe the sex with you isnt great and you need to work on that .or maybe, which to me would be a reason to break up, she just doesn't want sex anymore ...but it's worth the talk, even if it's a hard conversation, it'll give you enough info to either fix things or end things

zapper55

If you and her break up she will find another houseshare. The same as what she is doing now. She is a grown adult and her accommodation situation cannot be the reason you stay together.

The relationship sounds absolutely awful and stressful for you both, you in particular. Get out before you are tied to this very unstable person because of a house/child/marriage.

No one can make this decision/change but you.

Imagine the possibility of going out with a girl that isn't constantly flying off the handle, wants to have sex with you (indeed initiates it because she fancies the pants off you) and is someone you enjoy living with. But it doesn't have to be a fantasy. There is many many of us women out there like this.

Calltocall

<SNIP>

Get out mate, I’ve been in something similar before, long term with lack of intimacy, it’s a slow death which will not get better, you hang in trying to be the good guy shouldering the bs but it wears you down and steals your mojo, you get envious of other couples who have it and guys who don’t treat their gf well yet they have it and yet you bend over backwards and basically get crumbs from her table, it’s not right or fair, you have a choice here, my advice is to leave while you are young and not locked in, lot harder if you get married etc

ElizaBennett

This can't go on. You deserve to be happy. I totally get that you worry about her living situation and my suggestion is you move out and leave her in the house share and they can get a third person. It would ease the guilt you will inevitably feel, as unfair as that is. You find a room to let and don't give her the address. She might move on a lot faster than you imagine.

Paddy Cow

ElizaBennett wrote: »

This can't go on. You deserve to be happy. I totally get that you worry about her living situation and my suggestion is you move out and leave her in the house share and they can get a third person. It would ease the guilt you will inevitably feel, as unfair as that is. You find a room to let and don't give her the address. She might move on a lot faster than you imagine.

Eliza I agree with you that this can't go on but the op can't be the one to move out. They are living with his cousin, who already has voiced reservations about the girlfriend. No way would he be comfortable living with her. She would realistically be the one to move out. She might not be able to afford a one bedroom flat but she could move into a house share.

This is going to sound harsh but if your girlfriend grew up in foster care she could have a lot of issues. That's not her fault but it's also not your responsibility to take care of her because you feel guilty about her past. You are not her counsellor. She is supposed to be your partner. Someone you want to share your life with and presumably start a family with. There are so many red flags here even your cousin was able to spot them within a short time of living with you both. You know you deserve better than this. You are a great person who has shown a lot of patience and understanding. A lot of people in a sexless relationship cheat but you haven't.

I think you feel trapped because she has become the best friend that you love and don't want to hurt but she is not your future wife that you are madly in love with. You know this and don't know how to break it off with her. I feel for you but you, I and everyone on this thread knows that you only have two options - continue living in limbo or break up. Breaking up is going to be awful initially. You will feel guilty but ultimately you have to do what is best for you. You have been going out for 7 years and got together when you were only 21. At this stage you are staying out of duty/routine. You summed it up perfectly yourself when you said

I'm rambling here, but I feel like if I stay in this relationship I am missing out on a girl who might respect me/ want to be intimate. But if I break up with my GF it will be horrible for her and I will also lose someone I do love deeply and enjoy spending time with.

Imagine what your life could be like at 35. You could be with a wife that respects you and already have children or a child on the way. You could be a family man, which is clearly what you want. Your 35 year old self has so much potential but it all depends on the decisions you make as a 28 year old.

People we love deeply and enjoy spending time with are called friends. They are so important in life but they are not life partners. You know what you have to do, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Somehow you have to find the strength to break it off. This is not a healthy, sustainable relationship and even your cousin can see that. Probably most people in your social circle can see the same thing but don't want to interfere but are waiting for the inevitable to happen, so don't worry about being the bad guy.

Your girlfriend is not a bad person but she has learned bad behaviours, which you have enabled. You are doing her no favours by continuing this. You brush things off and put up with behaviour that you wouldn't from anyone else. You have both fallen into a routine that will do neither of you any favours in the long run. There have been numerous threads on this forum from people who are married 20+ years and have children and are stuck in sexless relationships and don't know what to do because they don't want to hurt the children. Those relationships didn't start out sexless.

I cannot advise you on how to approach the breakup with your girlfriend and I think that is the crux of your problem. You want to end this relationship and don't know how to do it. You know her best and I think you are afraid of her reaction and the fallout from that. Maybe other posters could offer some advice on that front.

ChrissieH

I think the fact that she was in foster care is the first hint as to her personality; as far as I know, it takes quite a lot for a child to be put into foster care, so without knowing the ins and outs of it all, I'm just going to guess that there might have been some sort of prolonged abusive or traumatic childhood experiences for her and that kind of early childhood can basically stunt emotional growth - the person gets kind of frozen at a mentally young age, their brains are so preoccupied with surviving whatever is going on, they don't have the same capacity to learn normal stuff and mature at a normal pace.
So the way she moans at you to do things for her might be reminiscent of a young child pestering a parent for something, or it might be her desperation for care and attention.
I'd imagine that a lot of children who were in foster care might feel powerless, unlovable and unwanted.
I know I'm assuming a lot here, but I'm just trying to show you that the traits she's displaying could be seriously deep-rooted and therefore highly unlikely to just go away in another month's or year's time - she is a product of her environment, like we all are, and she went from a clearly unstable home, to foster care, to living with (and depending on) you, with no opportunity for her to try to control her own life, or figure things out for herself.
She badly needs to live her own life for a while, not to mind the fact that you have become her carer and parent. I think you need to start looking at a break-up as being a positive thing, giving you both a chance to develop as individuals - at the moment, the co-dependency between you seems to be what's holding you together. That's not fair to either of you, so although I know you feel like you're going to destroy her life, in actual fact, you're probably doing the best thing for both of you.
Best of luck with it and well done to you for being such a good, patient and decent partner.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

So you have given her stability.

Thats not the end of the journey.

She still has to take some responsibility for her own mental health and recovery. Most of us dont do this until we are well into adulthood and there can be a lot of stress and anxiety associated with this.

You are not in a relationship. You are basically her minder.

I think you need to sit down and talk to her but if you are incapable of it without it breaking into a childish fight then you need to get out of that situation.

Comfort does not equal happiness and you will need some discomfort for a while to ultimately be happy.

not yet

You'll be a long time with a ton of clay on your chest, You need to do what makes you happy without purposely hurting someone. The only thing that come before my happiness is my Daughters.

LegacyUser

ANON2019DDDDDD wrote: »

I am with my girlfriend for 7 years. when we got together she was living in a foster home but since then (4 years ago) we moved out together, just the two of us into an apartment.

Things went a little downhill during our first year. Admittedly, I caused some of that as I had a crush on a girl I was in college with, and my girlfriend noticed I was viewing her photos on Facebook and texting her every so often. However, nothing ever happened. To this day, I still feel horrible as to how bad that made my GF feel.

Look, I'm going to sound very harsh here, buy it's with your own life and happiness as a priority.

1. Don't feel bad about something 6vyears ago. As you said, nothing ever happens. Your girlfriends insecurities are over the top, and she has to be able to cope with you thinking another girl is objectively good looking without thinking you're cheating on her.

2. She's had years to sort out here issues, but hasn't for whatever reason. You not putting the foot down and standing up for your own mental health has enabled this to continue for so long.

3. You've been friendzoned by your own girlfriend, and it seems like a one sided friendship at that. If she fancied you at all, she'd be having sex with you. As it stands, the only reason she's still around is that you're providing all she needs.

4. You need to have a very blunt conversation with her asap. If she wants you to stay with her, things have to change drastically, and soon. If that requires professional help then absolutely persue it. I think you owe it to you both to give it a chance rather than ending it outright. But any resistance to this by her means she isn't interested in fixing the clear issues, and you need to end it for your own sake.

Sleepy

OP, be careful if her sex drive miraculously returns. The last thing you want to do in this scenario is give her an extra hold on you.

Get out of this relationship before it becomes a lifelong commitment.

Teyla Emmagan

You sound more like her parent than her boyfriend. All the responsibility of minding a dependant and none of the upsides of a relationship. And unlike a child, your girlfriend is not going to grow up and get a life of her own. She doesn't need to. She doesn't want a relationship of equals, she wants someone to mind her. I understand that she hasn't any family but you would still be better off being her best friend than her partner. You need to put yourself first or this is it, forever.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Without going through the ins and outs it just sounds like you aren't compatible and are now in some kind of dysfunctional-fear-of-change scenario.

TBH It all made a lot more sense when you said you are 28, you got together when with her when you were 21. It's perfectly acceptable, normal and understandable that you might be madly in love with someone when you are 21 but over time as you grow in to yourself and start to make plans for further down the road realise that this is not the right path for you. That's not a reason to feel guilty, or the need to justify your feelings. I'd also stop beating yourself up over a minor indiscretion in year 1. She could have left, she stayed.

That's life. I stayed with my first boyfriend from age 21 - 27. It broke my heart when we broke up, but now, at 38, I realise he was a complete dick that I should have ended things with after 18 months. He would have made me miserable and I am in a far healthier dynamic with my boyfriend now.

If you have genuine concern for her well-being then assist her in finding alternative accommodation and allow her a grace period to get herself sorted, but stick to it. It's no wonder you are feeling the way you do, no one likes to feel like someone is helpless and dependent. That certainly isn't how romantic relationships are supposed to be.

Also, don't be afraid to be single, from the sounds of it, the relief you will feel taking all this weight of your shoulders will help you to quickly adapt