Child from 9 month relationship. Lives 200km away. Access???????? Opinions please???

sn2018

Looking for opinions/advice on a sad situation. I have a baby from a short failed relationship with a woman and trying to figure out access. I am devastated for the baby that he does not have a mammy and daddy in the same house. Sadly, he just lives with his mum.
I would ideally like to see my son as much as possible. Ideally all day every day. Off course, now that the relationship is over with the child's mother, that is not possible.
I still want to see him as much as possible. I am back living with my elderly parents at 41 years of age. The problem is my son lives 200km away. So when i visit it is a 400km round trip and five hours in the car. I spend 5 hours driving just to see him for 2 hours every 3 weeks. The distance is my main problem. Though it is very expensive to visit and that is an issue too. I am paying maintenance and just scraping by and the trips take any money i have left.
How often do people think is reasonable to visit? Weekly, every two weeks, every 3 weeks, every 4 weeks.????i would love to be with him every day but i am asking here what is practical and reasonable??? and
bearing in mind the visit only lasts a few hours
what do people think?????
i miss him so so much

Calltocall

<SNIP>

Sorry to hear of your troubles, that is tough but it can work out, maybe you could in the future get employment/live closer to your son, I think once a week is a good starting point, you coukd take him for every second weekend once your setup at home is suitable and when he’s a bit older if he’s still only an infant,think of the positives you have a son and that’s a beautiful thing, also try keep on good terms with your ex if that’s possible makes access issues much easier. Best of luck

Dial Hard

First of all, even parents who live with their children don't spend all day every day with them (nor would they want to, generally!) so try and get that idealised version of events out of your head.

Secondly, if you want to spend more time with him, you're going to have to do something practical to make that happen. It seems to be the distance that's the issue rather than difficulties gaining access from your ex. So can you reduce that distance? What's the possibility of getting a job in the same county and moving closer to them?

sn2018

ideally yes i would live nearby
i live with my parents 200km away out of necessity
i ended up on a psychiatric ward for 10 days after the break up. i have had issues for years and actually tried to end it all just a few weeks before the conception. and then a child was conceived and i just couldnt cope. i was working then. i am not now. i had those issues for years and saw psychiatrists in 2002 2010 and also 2014 and my ex actually urged me to book an appointment with a psychiatrist that time just before the conception, ie about 10 days before the conception
i hope to get part time work and eventually full time work. i do pay maintenance of 30 out of social welfare money and would hope to increase that to maybe 70 if i got a full time job

i just dont know what to do about access???? my son lives 200km away and my head is wrecked. i am devastated for him
any further imput?

Muckka

That's tough, friends of mine meet halfway.
But can you not take your child maybe every second weekend or a weekend a month.
Your parents would love to see their grandkid.

I had the same **** going on as yourself, it was a nightmare.
Eventually it sorted itself out.
We all live closer now, he's 18 in a few months.

If you're paying maintenance etc and love your kid, you should be able to get regular access.

I hear you man I hear you.
Only able to share my experience strength and hope with you.

The ball's in your court really

Ok I didn't have the psychiatric association, but you're aware of your situation and working on it.

Just don't blame yourself and give yourself a hard time.

You're doing ok, just give yourself a break.
No rash decisions.

AndrewJRenko

Try building a trusting relationship with the mother. Being a single mum is generally very tough, and single mums need people around them that they can trust. Be available to help and support as much as you can, and there is a good chance that she will rely on you more to get more involved and spend more time with your child.

Dial Hard

AndrewJRenko wrote:

Try building a trusting relationship with the mother. Being a single mum is generally very tough, and single mums need people around them that they can trust. Be available to help and support as much as you can, and there is a good chance that she will rely on you more to get more involved and spend more time with your child.

Did you actually read the post? Access isn't the issue, it's the fact that he lives 200km away.

AndrewJRenko

Dial Hard wrote: »

Did you actually read the post? Access isn't the issue, it's the fact that he lives 200km away.

Yeah, I read the post. It doesn't say anywhere 'Access isn't an issue'.


My point stands.

GingerLily

5 hours is long, but if your not driving much during the week then it seems doable.

The biggest issue seems to be the cost, can you afford to go every week?

sn2018

His mother is open to access. The real issue is the practicality and the cost of a 5 hour 400km round trip.
i know living close to him is the solution but quite simply it is just not possible

Big Bag of Chips

Were you living close to each other before he was born? Who moved? Do you have a good relationship with his mother? Would she agree to share some of the travelling? Meeting half way, or you collecting him from her, she collecting him from you?

Are you in a position to get back to full-time work? Could you find work closer to where she is and get a house share somewhere?

sn2018

we lived together for 4 months.
i had to move home when the relationship ended
i don't have a good relationship with the mother but i think access won't be an issue
i hope some day to have full time work. problem is that after paying maintenance of say 70 out of a wage of say 400 i am left with about 330 and have to try survive on this and pay for a car to get to work and could only afford a visit once a month
i am in my mid forties and never lived with anyone only this woman for 4 months and my parents so house share is a non runner
i am really at a loss what to do
i am finding the stress overwhelming
i want to do right by my son

Big Bag of Chips

Why is a house share not an option? You don't need 'experience' to live with people. You just need to be able to consider others, and maybe not get worked up by other's habits. My brother in law is recently separated. Since he was 19 he only ever lived at home, or with his wife. He has recently, at 37 years old moved into a house share.

If you don't have a good relationship with the mother then how likely is she to share the driving with you? If you moved away, like it or not the responsibility for travelling up see your child falls mostly to you.

Suggest she shares the driving. She doesn't have to. Or try make changes in your life to allow you to move closer. There are always options. The only thing blocking your path is your own insecurities.

Calltocall

From reading your replies I come to the conclusion that your biggest issue to access here is yourself, I don’t mean to criticize you but your catastrophic thinking is the main issue so work on changing that loop nothing you state is insurmountable, don’t feel guilt, good people who have children break up an awful lot these days it’s a changed country so no more staying together and marrying someone you don’t even like just to save face, thank god those days are going but in parts of Ireland it’s still prevalent and we are still a very conservative country so that may be adding more stress to your psychological state, having a son is a game changer but I believe in a good way, flip it to now you really have something to live for, be there and be strong for him, put aside that it didn’t work out with his mother and be there for him it’ll be worth it in the long run and you won’t have feelings of guilt, make loving your son number one.

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Would splitting time equally work? A week with you then a week with his mother etc. Would only work until child starts school but maybe by then you will have worked out a better arrangement or moved closer.

wiggle16

Hi OP

First off, is there any way she could meet you half way, or even just a bit closer? Surely if you're only seeing him for a couple of hours each time every few weeks she could make some sort of an effort to ensure you get to see him for an appreciable amount of time, by cutting the distance you need to travel. For her child's sake that's not a big ask. Many single mothers would go above and beyond that for a father who is so desperate to see his kid. Have you suggested taking him overnight at all, even say for an over night stay every other weekend?

I know you've said it's not possible for you to move closer, but the current set up isn't really sustainable - seeing him every three weeks for a couple of hours isn't much of a return on the distance travelled. Ultimately, something in your circumstances needs to change in order for you to live closer to him. 200km is 200km, the problem remains the same for as long as the distance does.

Do you mind my asking why moving closer, a house share arrangement, isn't possible? Is there a reason you can't get full time work at the moment? You miss your son and you want to do right by him, and that's motivation enough by itself, but you're not going to be able to see him regularly unless you push yourself to change your circumstances, living arrangements, income.

Tonight, you should make a list of the reasons you can't move closer to your son. Then make a parallel list of what you'd need to do to eliminate those reasons, a realistic one, and pick the most "doable" one to start working on from Monday. As you examine each reason, ask yourself if you'd be happy to tell your son why you couldn't change it, when he's older and asks why you had to live so far away. I don't mean that unkindly, but if you are unhappy and do nothing to change it you will remain unhappy. Every problem has a solution.

Nothing is going to make 200km any shorter. You need to put less distance between you and your son if you want to see him more and be the part of his life you want to be.

sn2018

i don't think anyone gets it here
i am a 41 year old depressed man who has only ever lives with his parents
i could never house share, never did it when i was younger cause i couldnt
im a misfit
i don't have a job and the longest i ever held down a job for was 6 months here and there over the past 20 years
i think of suicide all the time
i see no other solution

Calltocall

OP I would strongly recommend re engaging with your doctor and get referred for further counseling it will help you through this period. It is clear from your posts you love your son which is the most important thing, you have more going for you than you realise, your boy needs you. You will get past this and the details of co parenting can be worked out a later stage but first focus on getting yourself feeling better, best of luck to you.

wiggle16

I'm sorry to hear that. Are you getting help for your depression?

OP, in order to change these things you don't need to make massive decisions and changes. Small steps add up. I know you don't think it, but your situation is not insurmountable by any stretch of the imagination. You're only 41. You are still a young man and even if you were much older it is never too late to change your thinking and your circumstances. Your baby son gives you all the more reason to look at this as a fresh start in your life.

Below there is a list of contacts which you should find useful in addressing it and seeking help, even if you are already. I would strongly encourage you to avail of one or more of the services listed below.

We encourage people experiencing difficulties to talk to someone they trust and, if appropriate, to go to their GP. If you need help urgently and outside of GP hours, please go to your nearest A&E department.

Here at Boards.ie we are not trained to support people experiencing what you are experiencing. There are other organisations better positioned to provide specialised support. These organisations are listed below. I hope that you will follow these up so that you can get the help and support you need.

If you need immediate help:
Aware’s Support Line is open 7 days per week, 10am-10pm on 1800 804 848

The Samaritan’s phone line is open 24/7 on 116 123

Pieta offer one-to-one, face-to-face support. Click ‘Contact us’ to find the phone number and opening hours of your nearest branch on their site or email mary@pieta.ie for advice on getting an appointment.

If you need non-urgent help:
Aware have a support email service at supportmail@aware.ie

There are some other useful services that you can use also listed here: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293

Please look after yourself OP. I wish you all the best.

I'm afraid I have to close this thread.

Thread locked.