Should I worry about slow-down in sex?

LegacyUser

I'm living with my boyfriend a couple of months now. We were never at it like rabbits or anything before we moved in, we stayed together two nights a week and would generally sleep together on average once or twice each time...sometimes more and other times we'd be drunk, or my period and it wouldn't happen at all etc etc.

I guess that's normal for a new relationship

When we moved in first we didn't have sex every night and morning but we probably hit 4-6 times a week, I mean, I wasn't keeping track. We generally went to bed at the same time and/or did it in the morning.

Things started to slow down, which i didn't think twice about....then we went on holiday and they ramped up again and now I feel like it's almost coming to a stop, from his side, not mine.

I guess I feel like he's avoiding sex, going to bed later than me. Just going along with it when I initiate it and not really getting involved when it is happening (although, I was always the one who made 90% of the physical effort anyway). The other morning I was getting up early and I actually felt guilty for initiating sex, he slept for a good 3 hours after I got up and spent the whole day talking about how tired he was.

Then, and I guess this part isn't new....sometimes when I wake up I start giving him a hand-job and he just kind of lies there until he's finished and he enjoys it but he doesn't like, touch me or really return any intimacy.

I'm starting to feel like he's lost his attraction for me and I haven't gained weight, I'm still going to the gym all the time, I look after myself....I don't know why

I can't even emphasise enough how much the other, non-sexual side of our relationship has improved at the same time...he's incredibly caring, thoughtful, showing me a lot of love and consideration - we are getting on great, so, I don't really want to rock the boat although this morning, after another weird hand-job scenario I was visibly upset and he was asking what was wrong so maybe I need to say it....I'm just so confused?

He has been incredibly stressed at work the last couple of months....would this be why?

Anyone understand this or maybe suggest the best way to bring this up without creating a new issue? I really don't want him to feel like he's not satisfying me or failing in anyway. I'm so non confrontational and he gets really uncomfortable discussing issues, he never objects but it's always pretty awkward and his discomfort tends to make me drop the issue

Mr. Incognito

I think you need to get over it and talk to him

Only he can give you the answers. Everything else here is conjecture.

niallers1

<SNIP>

He's probably just tired or has some things on his mind. Probably nothing you've done.
Don't over think it.

MontyChips

Best to have an honest conversation about it. Communication is key with this kind of stuff. Sounds like you are doing nothing wrong and just want to show your affection and Im sure he understands this. From my experience stress and being tired from work can impact sex life and that could be the case here but just open up to him about your true feelings and have a frank discussion would be my opinion.

baby and crumble

whatsthenorm wrote: »

I was visibly upset and he was asking what was wrong so maybe I need to say it....I'm just so confused?

There's no 'maybe' about it. You have to say it. If 15 years of a relationship has taught me nothing, it's taught me that communication is the most critical thing in a happy partnership. Sex will always come and go, life's just like that. But if you can't talk about it, it festers and sours and then a blow-up comes, from someone.

He clearly doesn't see the problem - and that's a problem for you. He's not a mind-reader. Ok, if he's happy getting hand-jobs but never wants to reciprocate then that's an issue. If he doesn't know how to initiate anything, that's another one. But you won't know how to fix the issue if you don't know what it is.

Look, it's never fun talking about sex, especially when you're not feeling good about it. But please please please find a way to communicate about it.

LegacyUser

Thanks all,

We had a chat last night. He was completely shocked at my suggestions at first but then was a bit "Now that you say it actually..." and he feels like maybe the work stress is just more than he can deal with. He's actually a bit worried about it impacting his health now, so, I feel a bit guilty for bringing it up as he was talking about seeing a doctor.

I feel awful for adding to his worries but he knows I just want him to be happy.

ChrissieH

whatsthenorm wrote: »

I feel awful for adding to his worries but he knows I just want him to be happy.

Don't feel awful for adding to his worries - he'd probably be a lot unhappier if it had gotten to the point where you were withdrawn and so fed up that you decided to leave. I would say that this could be a turning point for ye, the fact that you were able to talk about something that you found awkward, and it didn't end up being the worst conversation ever.. it's a good thing.

Sex is an important part of relationships, don't feel like you've done something weird by wanting to address such an important issue.

baby and crumble

op I don't even know you and I'm delighted for you. It's these kinds of conversations that honestly make a relationship stronger, as awful as they seem when they're happening.

Fair play.

ShaShaBear

whatsthenorm wrote: »

Thanks all,

We had a chat last night. He was completely shocked at my suggestions at first but then was a bit "Now that you say it actually..." and he feels like maybe the work stress is just more than he can deal with. He's actually a bit worried about it impacting his health now, so, I feel a bit guilty for bringing it up as he was talking about seeing a doctor.

I feel awful for adding to his worries but he knows I just want him to be happy.

Don't feel awful. I was in a relationship living with a guy with the same situation. Although admittedly he wasn't getting more loving. After a year of almost no physical intimacy, I started an affair. 100% my own fault and doing, have never done it on anyone since. But I'm sure he prefers you talking to him and letting him you know it's HIM you want and need, rather than bottling it until you can't take it any more and either leave him or find someone else.

He also knows himself best too - it's altogether very possible that he feels he needs to see a doctor because he realises this isn't normal for him.

KevinCavan

Maybe watch some porn together, get you both in the mood?:-)

LegacyUser

If he’s stressed in work that’ll definitely cause a slow down. Makes sense when you say on holiday things were good - coz he was away from his stressful environment.

daithi7

Maybe get him a gym membership, y running shoes, swimming or tennis session /lessons for his birthday or valentines day or whatever.

Enjoyable exercise will help him cope with stress better and improve his vroom in the sack. .. All good

Jurgen Klopp

You are right to say it to him.

Perhaps it's just his sex drive? Like maybe when a relationship is new he's all extra horny but once it settles his normal drive might kick in maybe? So might only feel like it 1/2/3 times a week etc

Xterminator

Hi Op

Relationships develop a pattern which become habits.

I guess I feel like he's avoiding sex, going to bed later than me

&

he just kind of lies there until he's finished and he enjoys it but he doesn't like, touch me or really return any intimacy.

You are worrying if he has lost his attraction for you, and you miss the intimacy aspect of the relationship. So you need to pick a good moment to have a quiet but important talk with him to express how you feel, and see what is going on is his head. you need to communicate what is making you unhappy understand what is going on in partners head, and agree what to do/change.

The good news or silver lining is that if you both learn to communicate now, your relationship will get stronger for it.