Maintaining your self-esteem and hope..! while online dating

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Not the world's biggest problem but would love some opinions, im sure there's plenty with experience i can lean on around here!

i'm single a little over a year, an early 30s woman. ive had dribs and drabs of flings and dating scenarios since the breakup but only in recent months began to put myself out there and attempt to actually meet someone.

it's been a rollercoaster of "one and done" dates, dates where the guys wanted to meet again and i didn't, and then one or two scenarios where i met a guy multiple times, good chemistry and a bit of intimacy, started to fall for him, only for him to end things abruptly or do the famous "fade" in the end.

ive recent;y been seeing a counsellor to deal with issues that emerged during the breakup, and working hard to be as confident and robust as i can be as a person. but i've found these particular latter situations quite hurtful and they've left me questioning myself and whether i'll ever meet someone, when this kind of behaviour is now quite commonplace online.

i also feel like at my age the apps are my only chance of meeting someone, as most of my peer group are coupled up and meeting "in real life" doesn't seem to be a thing that happens anymore. i'm not a big drinker so while i am social, attend a lot of work conferences and meet a lot of people through work, bumping into the love of my life in a pub or club is not going to happen. for some background, i'd be considered relatively attractive, i take good care of myself, well groomed, good dresser, in good shape, good career, pretty independent and have some hobbies to keep me busy - gym, travel, music, podcasts etc.

to cut to the crunch: i'd love to hear from people who have been through or are going through online dating and how in particular you maintained your sense of self-confidence and positivity and...sanity...! in the face of all the weird behaviours you have to deal with.

any tips??!

Dial Hard

datingappsquestion wrote:

to cut to the crunch: i'd love to hear from people who have been through or are going through online dating and how in particular you maintained your sense of self-confidence and positivity and...sanity...! in the face of all the weird behaviours you have to deal with.

The skin of a rhinoceros and a whopper sense of humour.

I know that sounds facetious but I'm being 100% genuine. I've been there and back again with online dating and without both of those things, forget it.

LegacyUser

Dialhard is right, try to treat it as a bit of craic and getting out of the house and meeting people. Have to say though, I tried it for a few years on and off and had no success, lots of guys with issues, lots of short intense relationships where it all seemed to be going well then puff, gone at the 3mth mark. I found it just wore down my self esteem and made me feel shaky in myself and what I could offer, so I decided to stop with it all. Other people have fared better but it hasn't worked for me, or my friends. And life's too short to spend it on dates that go nowhere, and relationships that get you ghosted. I think if you're not in the right headspace it's a minefield and can be quite damaging, other times it's fun if you don't take it seriously. Best of luck. Oh and some practical tips: keep the first date as a coffee and no more, if he wants to see you he'll arrange a proper date. It saves you getting stuck with a weirdo all night, or spending hours together and feeling connected too soon.

zapper55

The last post should be a sticky on here. Half or more the people on it will disappear without saying a word, some will do it after suggesting a date. You have to have a very thick skin and if you find it affecting your confidence then stop.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

Well done for putting yourself back out there.

I dabbled in online dating on and mostly off due to many of the scenarios you have outlined above from the age of 30 to 36.

In that time I overly invested in people who didn't commit, fell head over heels (in lust) for people who then reuinted with ex partners, started to fall for people who then ghosted me etc. etc.

I got to a point where I wasn't arsed, figured all it gave me was a pain in the arse and I genuinely felt like I was a much happier person by myself with my existing female friendships and good family relationship.

After about 2 years of celebacy (not even joking), a few upcoming wedding invites that had a plus 1, and a new found passion in health and fitness aka self-love I downloaded the Tinder app with zero expectations.

I was far too busy and self-involved to really invest emotionally in anyone but did seem to have good banter with one particular person, so after a week or two of chatting we went for coffee.....

That was almost 18 months ago and we're blissfully happy living together now.

I think, for me, I needed that period to establish what I wanted, what I needed, I probably believed on some level that I was going to be eternally single and my zero expectations and busy life led me to take on a "you need to impress me" position on dates as opposed to me needing to impress them.

Some people might not agree with that, but I really feel that's kind of what I ended up accidentally doing.

Just try not to invest emotionally in anyone until they've given you some kind of sign they are doing the same.

Best of luck x

Muckka

I was dating someone for a while, and they said they deleted Tinder and was off it.

They went to Donegal for a weekend away, I went in to delete my Tinder profile and low and behold, they were still showing up 200 miles away....

I said nothing, because I didn't want to ruin their weekend by being over bearing or intrusive.

Anyhow when they got back, I told them that when I was deleting my Tinder profile, she still showed up as online the same distance from me as Letterkenny was from my door.

I'm no expert on phones or apps for that matter.

She said sometimes when you delete an app from your phone, it still shows up in your location.

Is it true, or are they taking the preverbial ?

Augme

Until you get somewhat comfortable with the idea that you will never find someone and you might never be married then I think dating will always be tough for someone.

Secondly, I would recommend doing your counselling first, then take time for yourself and then try online dating.

There is nothing more attractive than confidence and meeting a person who is the comfortable with themselves. It doesn't sound like you are in this place and that probably isn't helping.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Thanks for the input. Totally take on board that you typically need to make peace with being single and not be looking for somene for things to happen in your love life. That's been my experience in past relationships too.

It's hard to not WANT to meet someone though you know? I'm not even all that fussed with the marriage and babies thing (though I'd love for that to be in my life at some point), it just seems like a catch-22 where acknowledging that you're happier in a healthy relationship and actively seeking that tends to be the architect of your own downfall!

I could definitely be more confident and secure in myself and am actively working on that, but i'm also a pretty sociable, friendly, together kind of person, I haven't exactly been beaten with the ugly stick either and it's annoying that I just have to wait for that magic "don't give a fcuk about relationships" moment before I seemingly get anywhere in my love life!

I guess the only way to go about it is to not give the dating apps any weight, expect nothing other than my own personal amusement, because nine times out of ten things ultimately go nowhere anyway.

miamee

Muckka wrote: »

I was dating someone for a while, and they said they deleted Tinder and was off it.

They went to Donegal for a weekend away, I went in to delete my Tinder profile and low and behold, they were still showing up 200 miles away....

I said nothing, because I didn't want to ruin their weekend by being over bearing or intrusive.

Anyhow when they got back, I told them that when I was deleting my Tinder profile, she still showed up as online the same distance from me as Letterkenny was from my door.

I'm no expert on phones or apps for that matter.

She said sometimes when you delete an app from your phone, it still shows up in your location.

Is it true, or are they taking the preverbial ?

It sounds like she possibly just uninstalled the app from her phone without deleting her account? Not sure how they get the locations data, whether directly through the Tinder app or something else.

Idle Passerby

I echo what others have said about not placing too much emphasis on "finding the one". The irony of it isn't lost on me either, you do it to meet someone but have to convince yourself meeting someone isn't important!

I got into online dating at 33 after a long horrible relationship finally ended. I had a few disappointments as is par for the course and on occasion felt sorry for myself. Then I took stock and realised, I'm a total catch! Anyone who doesn't want me doesn't deserve me anyway. I didn't want to settle and knew I'd meet someone amazing eventually, even if it didnt happen until I was 50. So I might aswell enjoy whatever life threw at me in the mean time. I started being way more casual about it, not wondering if every guy was going to be the great love of my life, but just, would I have an enjoyable evening, was he worth my time. I found I got chatted up in real life more often too.

It all boils down to self worth, realising you have to make your own happiness and people who don't add to it aren't
worth your time. When you are happy with yourself that's when someone else will want to be a part of that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Much good advice already. My advice is just to keep at it. Try to treat online dating (or other dating avenues) like a hobby, but not your only hobby. Balance out your life with other things (as you are doing).

If it works out for you, great. It may not of course but that's life.

For me, only go on dates & continue with a guy if you're having fun ... Only continue text/chat if it's fun.

Muckka

miamee wrote: »

It sounds like she possibly just uninstalled the app from her phone without deleting her account? Not sure how they get the locations data, whether directly through the Tinder app or something else.

But if the tinder app is deleted, I wonder how they knew they were in Dublin.

I thought when you log off or delete the account you basically stay where maps showed your last position.

Arrival

Muckka wrote: »

I was dating someone for a while, and they said they deleted Tinder and was off it.

They went to Donegal for a weekend away, I went in to delete my Tinder profile and low and behold, they were still showing up 200 miles away....

I said nothing, because I didn't want to ruin their weekend by being over bearing or intrusive.

Anyhow when they got back, I told them that when I was deleting my Tinder profile, she still showed up as online the same distance from me as Letterkenny was from my door.

I'm no expert on phones or apps for that matter.

She said sometimes when you delete an app from your phone, it still shows up in your location.

Is it true, or are they taking the preverbial ?

That's complete bull****. The app wouldn't update your location/distance without the app actually being installed and opened. She definitely opened and used the app while there

Augme

datingappsquestion wrote: »

some background, i'd be considered relatively attractive, i take good care of myself, well groomed, good dresser, in good shape, good career, pretty independent and have some hobbies to keep me busy - gym, travel, music, podcasts etc.

datingappsquestion wrote: »

I could definitely be more confident and secure in myself and am actively working on that, but i'm also a pretty sociable, friendly, together kind of person, I haven't exactly been beaten with the ugly stick either and it's annoying that I just have to wait for that magic "don't give a fcuk about relationships" moment before I seemingly get anywhere in my love life.

Not too sound harsh, but what is it that sets you apart from 99% of other single women your age? Your looks? Because that's the only thing from what you have listed is probably my what makes you stand out.

There is nothing worse than someone list there interests as "gym, music, travel" etc etc because that's pretty much the same interests as 99% of the population. You say guys leave after 3 months or so, ask yourself why do you think guys would would/should want to stay with you any longer?

Also, even when you reach the "don't give a **** about relationships" moment doesn't mean you will get anywhere in your love life. You'll just hate online dating a lot less 🙂

ginandtonicsky

To be fair that is 99.9% of the population, in fact it’s less when you consider that most people are not particularly good looking, don’t take care of themselves and spend their spare time sat in front of the TV eating Doritos.

I don’t think the OP’s lack of appeal is the problem, it’s more a case of being a victim of the system. Online dating is not designed to have you delete your account within a few weeks of dating and sailing into the sunset with the love of your life. They wouldn’t be commercially viable if that was the case. They’re designed to keep you there, swiping through all of your options like you’re ordering a pizza and wondering who’s around the corner at all times. That’s why the ghosting and fading and the breadcrumbing exists.

I don’t think “stand out” and “be more interesting” are the solutions here. Most people want normal, not a flying trapeze artist who moonlights as a shark caller and has lived in 45 different countries. I think the answer is - don’t take the apps remotely seriously, know your worth and if they’re impacting on your self esteem negatively, which they seem to be, delete them and invest that time on building up your confidence and your self esteem instead.

CALI

here is nothing worse than someone list there interests as "gym, music, travel" etc etc because that's pretty much the same interests as 99% of the population. You say guys leave after 3 months or so, ask yourself why do you think guys would would/should want to stay with you any longer?

I think this is harsh. What is she meant to do to be different?? As above, a trapeze artist? What about a guy wanting to stay with a girl for her humour, compassion, love ie her personality??? Is that not why couples commit and are happy together for life (and plenty are, as well as plenty aren’t)??

Yellow pack crisps

Augme wrote: »

Not too sound harsh, but what is it that sets you apart from 99% of other single women your age? Your looks? Because that's the only thing from what you have listed is probably my what makes you stand out.

There is nothing worse than someone list there interests as "gym, music, travel" etc etc because that's pretty much the same interests as 99% of the population. You say guys leave after 3 months or so, ask yourself why do you think guys would would/should want to stay with you any longer?

Also, even when you reach the "don't give a **** about relationships" moment doesn't mean you will get anywhere in your love life. You'll just hate online dating a lot less 🙂

She doesn’t sound like a dick, which probably separates her from 99% of people online.

unreg999

I was online 'dating' and normal dating for around 6 years after recovering from a very a abusive marriage and meeting my current partner almost 8 years ago so I guess things might be a bit different now, I mean there wasn't any tinder or anything and some off them I met on MySpace lol

Anyway, I had some really nice flings and some even longer encounters during that time!
My advise might be a bit different but it worked better for me or maybe I just got lucky...

I learned very early on how to spot and weed out the 'messers', I always chatted to them for a while before meeting and looked for 'red flags' ie inconsistencies in their stories, but I wouldn't leave it too long either to meet up, a month or 2 max, I was very clear about myself and what I was looking for on my profile (I'd say that in itself pre.weeded a lot of them out), I was pretty honest about myself and kept it real, and MOST IMPORTANTLY I reminded myself that I couldn't be the only genuine person on there (POF)!

In the end, I had enough of people being ignorant and rude in messages etc of men not being able to take no for an answer etc that no had decided to delete my profile, I received 1 last message, I liked the look of him and his spiel so even though he broke my 'one county away' rule I decided to message him back.
It turned out he had only set the account up 2 days before and I was one of the first he messaged, and the first to message back! He was very lucky not to have to go through the years of ****e lol

It turned out we had A LOT in common, knew a lot of people very well in common and he knew my family and had possibly even been to my house as a child though we had never met before... it was like something just clicked into place!

I think you just have to have faith in yourself and the process, DON'T sell yourself short, be true to who you are, look for red flags (as nice as they might seem to be!) and weed out the messers!

Also, be very careful about meeting people these days, always tell someone where you are etc- I know it goes without saying but always needs to be said I think.

Good luck OP, there's some really good advice on here from people but I agree with one thing, take time to heal and focus on yourself before bringing someone else in! Xx

Augme

CALI wrote: »

I think this is harsh. What is she meant to do to be different?? As above, a trapeze artist? What about a guy wanting to stay with a girl for her humour, compassion, love ie her personality??? Is that not why couples commit and are happy together for life (and plenty are, as well as plenty aren’t)??

Does she have a sense of humour and compassion? I don't, maybe she does but she didn't mention them.

Shelli2

I just had to reply on here to give you my story. And from it the one piece of advice I can give - be open and honest and don't play games or take **** from anyone.

My house mate was on PoF and other sites, and like many people had a long string of unsuccessful dates, brief flings and some even consistent but one sided relationships.
After a few vinos one night, the old me who was completely repelled by inline dating decided that we should conduct an experiment and prove that most men on those sites don't even bother to read the bio and are only after a carnal fling
I posted some fairly safe head shots, nothing sexy, and literally wrote in the bio that 'I had no intention of reply to anyone' and that 'I had only signed up because my wife said I'd be forever alone'. Cue the barage of 'hey sexy' messages from a load of idiots. Smugly I had proved my point and deleted the app.
Fast forward 2 months and a mutual male friend joking says 'guess who I found on PoF'....eye roll, 'yes 'housemate' is always on There'..'eh no, you!'

I had deleted the app but left my profile out there for all to see.
I reinstalled the app, hundreds of messages, no intention of reading but as I'm figuring out how to disable the profile one pings through.
For the life of me I don't know why I opened tgat message, but I did. This guy had read the bio and sent a genuinely curious message asking why I had bothered to sign up. I replied, as it was only polite after he had bothered to read my ramblings.

Fast forward another 2.5 years. We have bought and renovated a house together. We are engaged and will be married in early 2020.

TL;DR don't not take the chance, you could miss out on something wonderful.

I wish you all the best with your dating endeavours. X

Bigmac1euro

Muckka wrote: »

I was dating someone for a while, and they said they deleted Tinder and was off it.

They went to Donegal for a weekend away, I went in to delete my Tinder profile and low and behold, they were still showing up 200 miles away....

I said nothing, because I didn't want to ruin their weekend by being over bearing or intrusive.

Anyhow when they got back, I told them that when I was deleting my Tinder profile, she still showed up as online the same distance from me as Letterkenny was from my door.

I'm no expert on phones or apps for that matter.

She said sometimes when you delete an app from your phone, it still shows up in your location.

Is it true, or are they taking the preverbial ?

Even when you sign out and delete tinder you still appear as active for a number of days. This may not be bull****.

Plopsu

CALI wrote: »

What is she meant to do to be different?? As above, a trapeze artist?

During my brief foray into online dating, I messaged a woman that listed herself as a trapeze artist. Sometimes, obviously made up stuff can be an ice breaker.

loalae

Online dating was both fun and slightly depressing sometimes. I met my husband on POF so it can work sometimes for some people.

The way I kept my sanity was to
1. Not emotionally invest in anyone before we met. I never spent longer than a week messaging someone before meeting up.
2. Went into the first date with a mindset of 'would I have a good time if I met this person again" rather than "could he be the one?"
3. Taking some time out after either a bad date or someone ghosting me. Dates when you're feeling bad about yourself are ****e and a waste of time.
4. Telling friends some of the funny stories from the dates. It helps to have a laugh at it all sometimes.

Most importantly, try not to make someone a priorty if you're not a priorty to them as well.

someyoke

Shelli2 wrote: »

I just had to reply on here to give you my story. And from it the one piece of advice I can give - be open and honest and don't play games or take **** from anyone.

My house mate was on PoF and other sites, and like many people had a long string of unsuccessful dates, brief flings and some even consistent but one sided relationships.
After a few vinos one night, the old me who was completely repelled by inline dating decided that we should conduct an experiment and prove that most men on those sites don't even bother to read the bio and are only after a carnal fling
I posted some fairly safe head shots, nothing sexy, and literally wrote in the bio that 'I had no intention of reply to anyone' and that 'I had only signed up because my wife said I'd be forever alone'. Cue the barage of 'hey sexy' messages from a load of idiots. Smugly I had proved my point and deleted the app.
Fast forward 2 months and a mutual male friend joking says 'guess who I found on PoF'....eye roll, 'yes 'housemate' is always on There'..'eh no, you!'

I had deleted the app but left my profile out there for all to see.
I reinstalled the app, hundreds of messages, no intention of reading but as I'm figuring out how to disable the profile one pings through.
For the life of me I don't know why I opened tgat message, but I did. This guy had read the bio and sent a genuinely curious message asking why I had bothered to sign up. I replied, as it was only polite after he had bothered to read my ramblings.

Fast forward another 2.5 years. We have bought and renovated a house together. We are engaged and will be married in early 2020.

TL;DR don't not take the chance, you could miss out on something wonderful.

I wish you all the best with your dating endeavours. X

Congrats to you but ffs more of this clichéd horsesh1t about men only being after one thing.
Some of us actually read profiles., Look for connections, mutual interests etc.

EVEN IF he was only into one thing only an idiot would say "hey sexy" or some other ****ty one liner to another user knowing on the other end the likely reaction would be completely dismissive and understandably so.
I reckon the vast majority know they need to be in some way original and don't resort to simplistic one liners.

But even at that with the attention you got it worked out for you...could compare it to that Oscar Wilde quote "only one thing worse than being talked about.."