Confused and scared

LegacyUser

I don't exactly know the purpose of this post but I feel like I'm going a bit crazy.

A few months ago I was approached by someone. I wasn't interested in the slightest and was quite clear on that, but we did have a bit in common and he was happy to be friends. He made it clear that he still was interested whenever the opportunity arose and it bacame nearly a joke between us.
We went out for coffees, dinner, etc and got on great. As the weeks progressed I started having feelings and we kissed, etc

The issue is that we both have A LOT going on in our lives and basically I know there is no future. In addition to that, as we grew closer, something major happened in his life and whatever was happening between us took a back seat (and understandably so).
I felt extremely insecure and just added to the doubts that I have about the whole thing. I ended whatever it was that we were but he didn't understand my rationale. We talked through it, he asked me to give it a chance and said that I would feel differently about the whole thing now that he is past the issue he was having.

We have met once since, my idea. I was having an absolutely great time but at the end of it I started questioning what I was doing and I think he noticed something was off. I like him A LOT, but we have just met!. I feel like a lovesick teenager which is quite sad and scary! I'm a planner, I like to know where I stand and transparency.

As much as he was vocal about liking me at the begining, that changed once his personal situation got complicated. He would be a reserved person but that doesn't make me feel any better. I tried to open some sort of conversation about it in the past and got nothing. He asked me to hold on to it until we spoke in person. But I ended it soon after, so that never happened and I just can't bring myself to try again.

My head is telling me to run a mile, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

Big Bag of Chips

It's hard to follow..

Do you want to be in a relationship with him? Does he want give in a relationship with you? If the answer to both of those questions is yes, then it doesn't need to be over complicated by any of whatever is going on.

If the answer to either of those questions is no, then you're just going to have to move on. It's not fair on whoever is the one who does want this to be more.

LegacyUser

Sorry about that. I guess my head is all over the place.
I suppose that is one of the problems, I don't know what he wants and I can't bring myself to have that conversation.
He is was only out of a relationship when we met too, but that was ok at the time since I had zero interest.

Big Bag of Chips

At the moment it's irrelevant what he wants... Figure out what YOU want. It's still not very clear if you want to be in a proper relationship with him.

If you do, then let him know that.
Then it's up to him to let you know what he wants.

If it's the same, happy days. If it's not then you'll just have to take the hit and move on. But at least you'll know.

ginandtonicsky

Terrifiedpatheticperson wrote: »

The issue is that we both have A LOT going on in our lives and basically I know there is no future.

Is this really the case? If so, you need to cut your losses and stop communicating with him and meeting up with him. To state the obvious, it having "no future" is a pretty big dealbreaker OP!

That pretty big issue aside, you're giving out mixed signals like no-one's business, and that's not fair to someone who's seemingly going through a pretty hard time at the moment. Why should he continue to express his undying feelings for you when you've not given him anything in return except mixed messages and hot-and-cold treatment, wanting to meet one minute and pulling back the next? Only a mad man would sign up for that kind of treatment, especially when life is already complicated.

A final thing I'll say is that you can't "plan" your way into love and a relationship, these things don't happen on a schedule and vulnerability is a pretty key ingredient. Cop out of that and you tend to lose the opportunity altogether.

LegacyUser

You two were probably right.
I did try to speak to him about us or how I felt, hoping to see also where he is at, but I guess it's not something he was prepared to do so things went a bit pear shaped.
As it stands I'm just going to give him some space. I have been as transparent as possible. He knows how I feel and where I am if he wants to get in touch. Doesn't make it any less painful though.

Big Bag of Chips

Terrifiedpatheticperson wrote: »

I have been as transparent as possible. He knows how I feel and where I am if he wants to get in touch. Doesn't make it any less painful though.

You've mentioned transparency twice now - but I've never read such a muddled up thread! After a number of posts from you I still haven't a clue what you're actually asking, or what you want. I can only assume that's how he feels too.

Terrifiedpatheticperson wrote: »

-A few months ago I was approached by someone. I wasn't interested in the slightest and was quite clear on that

-As the weeks progressed I started having feelings and we kissed, etc

-basically I know there is no future.

-I felt extremely insecure and just added to the doubts that I have about the whole thing. I ended whatever it was that we were but he didn't understand my rationale.

-We have met once since, my idea. I was having an absolutely great time but at the end of it I started questioning what I was doing and I think he noticed something was off.

-I tried to open some sort of conversation about it in the past and got nothing... But I ended it soon after, so that never happened and I just can't bring myself to try again.

-My head is telling me to run a mile, but I just can't stop thinking about him.

For him - looking at this from outside your head - you are giving all the signals that you are not interested in developing anything with him.

To me it sounds like you didn't want him, until he backed off and suddenly you realised that you do want him. What about all the doubts you had and the "no future" thing? What has caused that to change? Because it does honestly sound like you enjoyed him chasing you, but weren't keen to give him much back. Now that he's taken your cues and backed off, because clearly you weren't all that interested, you've decided that you are in fact interested after all?

What do you want?! You haven't actually given a straight answer here, so I highly doubt you have told him what you want. He doesn't know what you're thinking. If you want him to know you have to say it out loud. But don't go playing with him. If you want to be with him, tell him, and give yourself to it. If you don't want to be with him then let it go. It's unfair to use him as an ego boost if you've no interest in letting it develope further.

osarusan

Sounds really confusing.

For some reason you haven't explained (do you even know?) you have some real reservations about being in a relationship with him.

You said that you have been 'as transparent as possible' but it honestly doesn't read like that at all. I'd say he is very very confused as to how you feel about him.

Anyway, you ended things. He asked for another chance, you met him once, but at the end of that meeting, you think he knew 'something was off'.

I am not sure if he is going to open himself up to you again. He did so twice already, and he might think that's enough.

LegacyUser

It's hard to explain without giving too many details away. I know people on boards and I'm afraid they come across this and put 2 and 2 together.

I didn't start having feelings once he stopped showing them. In fact, to me it felt that once I did, he sort of backed off, but he always blamed what he had going on for that.
At one stage the relationship became physical and I think that it took from everything else. I felt that there was only interest if the conversation turned sexual in any way. He apologised but I could still feel some distance from then on.

I did tell him that I had no right to be upset but it bothered me that he was only out of a relationship when he approached me. I don't want to be the rebound. He didn't acknowledge that part at all but a few hours later a picture with his ex (they are not on speaking terms) came up as his profile on social media. Then it was taken down again at some stage a few hours later.

I have told him that I want to be with him and this whole back and forth is driving me crazy. I am fully aware that I am coming across quite immature here and a headwrecker but it is far from my what I want!. I have also asked him to just be honest and blunt about what he wants, either way I need to just know and have all of this settled one way or another. Haven't heard back.

Ursus Horribilis

Getting together with somebody shouldn't be this much hard work. Either you want to be with this guy or you don't. If you feel there's no future in it or you're not sure what you actually want, it's better to draw a line under this and move on. It all sounds like a headwreck for both of you.

klm1

OP you do seem awfully confused. Maybe a brief break from each other will help you both figure out exactly what you want from each other. If that's to be together, then make it work. If you're both still confused after a break, then you're best apart.

LegacyUser

Just a quick update. I pretty I followed your advice, should have done it myself from the get go. Apologised for how I have acted in the past, explained what brought me to that point and let it all out. I told him that I wanted to be with him and give it a proper go at this if he still wanted to (4 days ago he was all for it). But it looks like I have been ghosted.

I was terrified of getting hurt and it is exactly how I have ended up, possibly through my own doings, but it doesn't hurt any less. Can't barely sleep, can't eat or concentrate in general. I wouldn't be a crier but that's all I seem to be doing. Live and learn.

Once things have settled I will have to look into it and make sure I take it as a learning opportunity. Thanks is everyone for the honesty.