Worried about my mental health

LegacyUser

Hi,

I know that boards does not allow recommendations for particular doctors etc but I am wondering if people could advise on who I should go to?

I am in my mid forties and am feeling quite low. I am married but I am regularly thinking about someone from my past. I mean a number of times a day over the last year or two. I don't think its her per se more that she represents past mistakes.

I am unhappy in my relationship but think this is more my problem than a general relationship thing. I spend my life looking backwards. I have had a number of long relationships and they always follow the same pattern - great for the first 6m to year then I'm bored. I break up and then I regret it. Has happened a number of times to me. It was happening in my current relationship (which is a marriage) but I was determined to make it work. We have kids now so I'm in it for the long haul.

I know some people will say I should leave but my wife is long term ill so I'm not going to burden her with more hassle. I do really think the problem is in my head. Some times when I am on my own I talking to myself giving out, getting angry with myself for mistakes I have made. I'm not walking down the road ranting or anything, just from time to time I vocalise my anger at myself.

Would it make sense to go to a counsellor or CBT? I think I just need to purge this concept of things being better in the past!

never_mind

OP, is the issue you or the partners your with? I would definitely think that CBT (through a recommendation of a GP) would help. Your post seems like your at the end of your tether - try and seek help ASAP.

klm1

OP, Well done firstly for addressing the issue. Too many people let issues like this simmer and fester and it causes untold grief. Admitting there is an issue, really is the most important step.
My Advice, Seek a counselor, Counseling got me through a period in my life where I constantly chastised myself for past mistakes. I believe it can help you too.
Best of luck

ChrissieH

Hi OP,

Definitely try to make time to start seeing a psychotherapist every week or fortnight, I wouldn't necessarily think CBT is the answer though; from what you've said, you've felt unhappy whilst in your past relationships and you're also unhappy now, both in your relationship and looking back at your life; CBT is more helpful for overcoming unhelpful thought processes and phobias etc, whereas this seems like some sort of long-term relational issue.
Maybe straightforward talk therapy would help, where you discuss your earlier years to try to establish what kind of habits were developed that lead you to either settle into relationships with the wrong people or fear commitment (it's not possible to judge which (if either) issue has caused your habit of leaving relationships after 1 year or less)
With a bit of therapy, you might begin to understand your own thought processes a bit better and at least that way, you can gain a bit of control over your thoughts and feelings.
It's definitely worth giving it a shot.

Hi OP,

If it's any help I don't think what you are experiencing is too uncommon.

In terms of relationships, it sounds like an element of hedonic adaptation or the coolidge effect. Basically, hedonic adaptation is where people adapt to surroundings and ultimately get bored by the things that they used to enjoy. This is true for lots of things in life (ie, I'll be happy when I have the new job, new car, new house etc). Eventually we normalise the new situation and we start feeling dissatisfied again. The Coolidge effect is where male's sexual interest wanes when they get familiar with their partner (also seen in females to a lesser degree).

As for nostalgia, the feeling everything was better before? Well, we're a country in the grip of nostalgia (as are most countries). The UK is ripping itself apart over an imagined past of a glorious Empire and to some degree the right in the US have similarly invented a glorious past for themselves. Jung (I think) thought this feeling was so common as to be a universal feeling and was a manifestation of a deeper human need. We as a species idealise our pasts and as individuals we tend to do this in our lives (I was happier when...) too. James Hollis wrote an excellent book about this called "The Eden Project".

Face into your feelings, acknowledge them, observe them, explore them.

Also, good luck with your wife, her illness must be hard on everyone. Don't be too hard on yourself for being human, it's what we are.

joeguevara

Don’t be too hard on yourself as it will only cause you to feel worse. Everyone when thinking of past relationships romanticize of how good it was and remember the good times and exciting times but remember it didn’t work out. Allow yourself to have good memories but realize that if someone was supposed to be in your life they would be.

There is something missing in your life that is causing you to do this. Try and figure out what you yearn and see if that can be achieved in your current situation. Be open and honest with your partner in a considerate way and see if ye can do positive things to make things better. Don’t say you don’t do this or that but say would it be better if we did this. She is probably feeling similar with the added issue of being ill so she might welcome. Also if that doesn’t work be truthful to yourself. Don’t live a lie if you would be better alone. That doesn’t mean abandoning your partner but a different relationship may be better.

You only have one life so don’t wake up when your old and regret it. I feel for you and hope things get better.

Zorya

We are sold a bit of a pup with the eternal happiness and fulfillment lark. Life instead has long periods where you just hold on to the tiller and keep going. Times of boredom, sadness, confusion etc along with peace, contentment, so on.

An absence of deeper meaning or purpose to life could make everything seem dull. I'm not talking deep down stuff, even, but you do have purpose in the rearing of your children, for example. A lot of suffering comes from thinking about ourselves too much.

Millions would take your place in a heartbeat - healthy, intelligent, having family etc. You could take up running, climbing, cycling, surfing, use your healthy body, take it up so seriously that it blows away the time you have now for discontent. The sea or mountains are great for that.

Try blast out of your self absorption for a while, give it a good shot, lots of exercise, read about things you don't know, do new things, spend memorable time with the children, give it your all for a year or so, appreciating what you have, and postpone thinking about stuff. Reevaluate after you have given life a real run for its money and if it still feels crap maybe see a counsellor.

Zorya

Zorya wrote: »

Millions would take your place in a heartbeat - healthy, intelligent, having family etc.

Even though I agree absolutely with most of your post, I don't know if comparing ourselves to others ever really brings happiness or contentedness. Sure others have it worst than the OP, but so what, others have it better etc?

Imo, most of our happiness needs to come from our own internal ability to confront (and accept) our reality.

I think there's truth Thoreau's saying, "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I know that's a bleak worldview, but it can be very freeing when you accept it.

Zorya

Deleted User wrote: »

Even though I agree absolutely with most of your post, I don't know if comparing ourselves to others ever really brings happiness or contentedness. Sure others have it worst than the OP, but so what, others have it better etc?

Imo, most of our happiness needs to come from our own internal ability to confront (and accept) our reality.

I think there's truth Thoreau's saying, "the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I know that's a bleak worldview, but it can be very freeing when you accept it.

Thoreau's words are very similar to the Buddhist first truth that suffering exists. I am only offering what I find helpful. Knowing others suffer helps me accept my own. It may not work for others, that's true.

Zorya

Zorya wrote: »

Thoreau's words are very similar to the Buddhist first truth that suffering exists. I am only offering what I find helpful. Knowing others suffer helps me accept my own. It may not work for others, that's true.

Absolutely, I agree to an extent. Modern life doesn't educate people enough on the fundamental human condition, imo. A lot of people think there's something wrong with them because they aren't content/happy with their lot, when that's the way most people inherently feel.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. I really appreciate people taking the time to offer it. Lots to think about.

Zorya wrote: »

Try blast out of your self absorption for a while, give it a good shot, lots of exercise, read about things you don't know, do new things, spend memorable time with the children, give it your all for a year or so, appreciating what you have, and postpone thinking about stuff. Reevaluate after you have given life a real run for its money and if it still feels crap maybe see a counsellor.

This is really interesting. I have been wallowing in self pity probably for a LONG time. Maybe I need to just need to get over it.

Zorya

whereshouldigo wrote: »

I have been wallowing in self pity probably for a LONG time. Maybe I need to just need to get over it.

Hi,

It's not a ''just need to '' kind of situation. That's the work. It's work every day. The climbing out of self absorption and self pity is work. I didn't mean to trivialise it. It's not a once off commitment, it's begin again every day, new universe.
We all wallow in various kinds of delusion. I felt pretty sorry for myself the past few weeks as I had a horrible virus for a couple of months that had me fecked, main income in our house was lost, winter is crap, my projects have not been getting off the ground, etc. moany me. Mostly I was exhausted. Then I met two people - one whose child has terminal cancer and one who has just had a horrible neurological diagnosis. Both gorgeous women, outside and inside, facing into real bad stuff. Made me bin the self pity and give myself the regular swift kicks in the hole that I need. Gives one a good kicking leg

Best of luck to ya.

joeguevara

I think there is a very common misinterpretation of depression and feeling down. Someone with depression can’t just snap out of it. It’s a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated.

Feeling down is a completely different thing and while absolutely terrible can be changed by stopping behavior that affects it or by making positive changes.

Both have similar symptoms but completely different. If you feel down because your lonely but your mood brightens when someone calls or you meet up is more likely to be feeling sad because of external factors. If a person is depressed it probably won’t change if a friend calls because the chemical imbalance won’t have changed.

I hope you feel better soon but it won’t chamge unless you do things to help.

joeguevara

One thing I have learned is if your mood or happiness depends on the actions of other people then it can lead to you never being happy. People don’t realize how a simply innocuous action such as forgetting to text or cancelling meeting up can have such an impact on someone else. It makes them feel like they aren’t worth someone’s time. Of course friends, relationships or someone you are dating can make you feel better but if it doesn’t work out or you have a fight it can make you spiral.

I am not saying that is happening here but I know from my own experiences that unless you are happy in yourself then it is very difficult to be happy when things aren’t going well.