Grieving relationship in dribs and drabs

LegacyUser

Hi all,

My ex broke up with me over 2 months ago. I was really devastated the first week and then seemed to put some kind of band aid over it. Felt quite fine about it for a few weeks, spent extra time with friends and went to a lot of social things. Working a bit harder in work. Becoming more committed to the gym. Passed my driving test. Lots of positives

Suddenly this week things have hit me like a train. Had a family-friend dinner event I had to attend in a restaurant a few nights ago. Was uncomfortable from the get go as my ex and I used to be obsessed with the place, we'd go at least once a week when we were together and I hadn't been since. Shrugged off the feeling of discomfort and tried to put the adult hat on.... when we got to the place I could barely speak for the first 15 minutes as I felt completely overwhelmed being there and felt on the verge of breaking down. Left the place and vowed to myself I never want to go back there again for the reminders of him, even though I love the food and the place. That's just an example of a few things that I have become over-emotional to this week in relation to him. Just wondering is it normal to overreact so much at random stages after a break up? Just want the hurt to be over

LegacyUser

Yeah love, it's totally normal. It'll pass in time, just allow yourself feel what you feel and try not to obsess too much or ignore ..a few months down the line it won't matter so much and other things will take priority and you'll be back eating there again, or will have changed your routine and found a new place

leggo

With break ups, it’s okay to feel and go through the stages. If you feel fine or elated after a break up (unless it was a horrific relationship you should be happy to run a mile from), generally that’s a sign that it’s going to hit you like a ton of bricks down the line. So, instead of constantly distracting yourself, make time to grieve. After a break up, I’ll usually have a night where I’ll get a few drinks in, listen to sad songs, look over old pictures/texts, if I need to have a cry that’s fine...basically let it all out in a safe, controlled space on my own terms so I don’t think I’m fine and then wham, I just break down in the middle of work or whatever. (Then I’ll watch a Bill Burr standup show where he talks about how dumb relationships are anyway to bring myself back up, I swear it’s like a ritual and it works)

While it’s not good to wallow in self-pity either, this stuff is okay to go through as you do need to let it out and get to the acceptance stage before properly moving forward. So accept that, control it and do it on your terms instead of fighting it by distracting yourself, then go about starting your new life without this person.

SeptemberBaby

I feel for you OP. I am in a similar situation. Was quite social and felt ok for the first month or so but it has hit me like a ton of bricks now. My ex and I went to the same gym. I have bumped into him many times there since we broke up and now every time I go there I am on edge and overwhelmed too so I completely understand your reaction in the restaursnt. I would avoid those places for a while. It won't be forever, just until you have built yourself back up.

Breakups are like waves - you will be ok, then not ok. It is all normal. I'm guessing there is no contact? That is vital. Unfortunately my ex and I were in contact until last week and it only means that, 3 months after the break up, I am no further on in my healing. Don't do that to yourself.

Be kind to yourself, lots of self care .

Locker10a

They say it takes 3 months for every year of a relationship to heal emotionally, (so a 2 year relationship would take approx 6 months to get over) of course this can vary, people are all different but I found it to be spot on personally.
Any way the key is time, it takes time

Honeydew3456

While it’s not good to wallow in self-pity either, this stuff is okay to go through as you do need to let it out and get to the acceptance stage before properly moving forward. So accept that, control it and do it on your terms instead of fighting it by distracting yourself, then go about starting your new life without this person.[/quote]

Love this...fab advise!!!

joeguevara

The weirdest thing trigger memories. Songs, places even the whiff of perfume. It will hit you out of nowhere and bam you are thinking about things without even realizing. Allow yourself do that. Then say yes, that happened but it is not what you want. Distract yourself by going for a run or by doing a menial task.

Make knew memories. Don’t avoid places because you were there with your ex. If that was the case I’d have to move to Timbuktu. But change those memories with new ones. Now I’m not talking about special places like first kiss or first place I said I love you etc.

Time does heal. But if you do it again don’t freak out. We are all human. But believe that it will get better.

ginandtonicsky

Two months ago? That is nothing. Took me a year to get over my ex. Nine months in was the hardest time for me, the wave of sadness and loneliness nearly knocked me over.

I’m not saying it’ll be the same for you, but listen, you are going to hurt for a lot longer than you want or expect to. Of course you are. That’s the price of love. There will come a time where you look back on the relationship with fondness and are grateful for this person being in your life for however long but are adept at reading red flags and warning signs too. Breakups are incredible periods of personal growth at the end of it all.

There’s no band aid I’m afraid. You simply have to feel the pain and the hurt and the unbearable despair. Go into that restaurant next time and let the tears come, sit in the bathroom and cry your eyes out. Then clean your face and sit down and have a meal and get on with it. It won’t kill you.

A lot of us spend our lives going out of our way to not have to deal with discomfort. Heartache hurts. But the only way to get to the other side stronger and wiser is to see the feelings through.

And try to keep busy on those days that you would’ve spent with your ex. Join a gym and go every evening, make plans with friends every weekend, sign up to a cookery course, book a yoga holiday.

And remember, “this too shall pass”.

Monife

Locker10a wrote: »

They say it takes 3 months for every year of a relationship to heal emotionally, (so a 2 year relationship would take approx 6 months to get over) of course this can vary, people are all different but I found it to be spot on personally.
Any way the key is time, it takes time

Damn, I'm in for 2 and a half years of heartbreak then

OP, a month after my husband and I separated, I tried to keep busy and distracted. Until one day (2 weeks ago) it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't even function in work, had to take a few days off work because I was so upset. My counsellor said this was because I didn't allow myself to feel my feelings, I internalized them. Like the good advice above, find your safe space and let yourself feel your emotions. Journaling has helped me too with the constant thoughts of him (and the other woman - infidelity on a massive scale is what ended us).

I feel I'm already making progress but it definitely will take time and there will be good days and bad. Don't be too hard on yourself, we can be our worst critics. Cancel plans if you have to and need time to yourself. Do things you enjoy doing. And when you've had your sad moments, then think about the positive things in your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice all. I had to go over to his place during the week to pick up my remaining things and I've been a hot mess since. Trying to let myself ride the wave of grief this weekend, hopefully the crying will stop and I'll have a better week next week. It was only two years we were together but they were two of the best years of my life so I guess it'll take that lil while to adjust.

joeguevara

hurting173 wrote: »

Thanks for advice all. I had to go over to his place during the week to pick up my remaining things and I've been a hot mess since. Trying to let myself ride the wave of grief this weekend, hopefully the crying will stop and I'll have a better week next week. It was only two years we were together but they were two of the best years of my life so I guess it'll take that lil while to adjust.

If you have to pick up anything else as a friend or family member to do it. Don’t worry about crying it’s natural. But don’t be reminiscing about the good times if it adds to your pain. Yes they were the best time of your life but you will have countless better years.

Cut all contact and block everything. Don’t look at her facebook and second guess every post. It makes things worse. Stay away from any special music or tv programmes. Be good to yourself and reward yourself for having good days but don’t berate yourself if you have setbacks.