Struggling with a breakup

ChangeTheWorld

Hi to all here, this is my first post.

I broke up with my fiance in November of last year and am really struggling now. I thought I wanted my freedom and the benefits of being single (I don't mean casual one night stands or anything, just being able to do whatever I wanted). As soon as we separated I realised my mistake but it was too late. She won't talk to me anymore, has me blocked from every form of communication and clearly doesn't want me anymore.

I am really finding it difficult to keep going. I can handle the weekdays because I'm in work and I set up my day so that I'm not home until after 7pm so I don't have much time on my own but the weekends are hell. I just feel so lonely and can't stop thinking about her. I messed up badly and I deserve to go through some tough times but I just feel like a zombie. I finish work on Friday and I don't speak to anyone until Monday morning.

I have no idea what to do.

zoobizoo

Do you miss her or do you just regret the fact that you now spend so much time alone?

You obviously had very valid reasons to break up an engagement. What were they?

I remember pining after an ex until the epiphany that it wasn't her I missed but the thought of us in happier times.

If by chance you had a social life, a date lined up etc, would you really be feeling this way?

Willie Stroker 1976

ChangeTheWorld wrote: »

Hi to all here, this is my first post.

I broke up with my fiance in November of last year and am really struggling now. I thought I wanted my freedom and the benefits of being single (I don't mean casual one night stands or anything, just being able to do whatever I wanted). As soon as we separated I realised my mistake but it was too late. She won't talk to me anymore, has me blocked from every form of communication and clearly doesn't want me anymore.

I am really finding it difficult to keep going. I can handle the weekdays because I'm in work and I set up my day so that I'm not home until after 7pm so I don't have much time on my own but the weekends are hell. I just feel so lonely and can't stop thinking about her. I messed up badly and I deserve to go through some tough times but I just feel like a zombie. I finish work on Friday and I don't speak to anyone until Monday morning.

I have no idea what to do.

Two options.
1. Reach out to her and tell her it was a mistake.
2. Get onto Tinder and go wild.

Head up my man.

zapper55

I broke up with my fiance a few years ago for the same reason. The months after it were horrific. But it was definitely the best thing for me. I felt a bit suffocated, I'd never really been single and wanted to do my own thing. I put a lot of work into building up a new social circle through exercising and meetups.

Nobody can change your loneliness at the weekend but you. There are so many exciting things to do in the world.

If you broke up with her you obviously had your reasons. Maybe you are looking at things through rose tinted glasses as you are lonely.

She doesnt want to hear from you, that's her way of protecting herself. For the love of God respect that. Even in the unlikely event you did get back together she'd never be able to trust that you wouldn't do it again.

Stay away from tinder/ online dating for two reasons. First, casual sex when you are lonely can make you feel worse and secondly you could really hurt someone going on it when you are clearly not over your ex.

Silverfish

You broke up with her because you wanted to be able to do whatever you wanted. What was it you wanted to do, and why aren't you doing it?

It's only been 2 months or so, that's not that long and you'd still be in recovery - you obviously broke up with her because it wasn't right for you, but we get a bit clouded when we've to deal with the emotions around it. I'd give it another while - I'm not sure making contact with her yet would be a good idea as you've not had the time to see if you're happier yet.

ChangeTheWorld

Hi lads, thanks for the replies.

To answer some of the questions, I am aware that this could just be loneliness. I absolutely hate the weekends right now. It doesn't help that I have an injury that will take another 2-3 months to heal properly so I can't do any sport until then. I know it's possible that if I had a date lined up I would not be thinking about my ex but right now anytime I'm not distracted by something happening right in the moment my mind drifts back to her.

She is a very jealous person and I was constantly caught between her and my job. My job for the past couple of years should have involved some business trips but I had to make excuses to my boss anytime they came up to get out of them because she wasn't okay with me going away. I always said to her that if she didn't trust me then it wasn't a healthy relationship. The thing is I absolutely never would have done anything to betray the relationship and it bothered me that she didn't trust me enough.

In the time since we broke up I've looked back at the relationship and I was a long way from perfect too. Because of the trust thing I guess I never fully committed, which made her not trust me which made me not commit. Vicious circle. I do wonder what might have happened if I had married her, would she have seen that as me committing fully and relaxed or would it have been worse.

If I had the choice right now, even though I know it might be a bad one, I would get back together and try to make it work but that's not going to happen. I have a feeling she's seeing someone new anyway so that's messing with my head. I'm not going to contact her again.

I just need to fill the void that the breakup created and hope over time I stop thinking about her.

zapper55

Ah here, you were engaged, if that's not properly committed I dont know what is.

Ok this is definitely your loneliness speaking.

Her behaviour jeopardised your career (business trips can be essential for learning and promotion). Jealously is a horrible thing, imagine being treated like that 20 30 years down the line. These problems dont magically change with a ring on your finger. Who knows maybe she'd want to ban nights out with your friends then too.

Being with an insecure person is horrible. Funnily enough in my experience they are more likely to cheat as they need the validation. Where as you sound pretty secure in yourself.

The injury is unfortunate timing. Only you can change your thinking, your life. Even some positive thinking podcasts can help. Pat Divilly does great free ones. Tony Robbins book, awaken the giant within is fantastic for a different perspective on your life too. It uses a lot of CBT tools.

Hoping you stop thinking about her is pointless. Unless you take action nothing will change. If you dont get more proactive about your life it'll pass you by. I presume you are back going on business trips? Can you take an extra day away to enjoy different culture, get out of your comfort zone.

I suspect you will look back at this in a few years time with relief that you aren't with her.

Ursus Horribilis

From what I can see, your reasons for ending the relationship were perfectly valid. Jealousy and lack of trust is a cancer and if she was unwilling to deal with it, it was never going to get better. Even if she took you back, this jealousy/control thing would absolutely have to be dealt with. I presume you tried to talk to her about this numerous times and that you got nowhere?

Was your sport your only social outlet? I'm wondering why you've not mentioned any friends at all. Did she stop you socialising with them too?

ChangeTheWorld

I don't have a huge amount of friends anyway but yes over time I stopped seeing them. If there was an option to go out with a friend on a night out I would always just say no because I knew it would lead to an argument. Then it just stopped being something I did.

I did try to talk about it with her many times and when she was calm she would see how silly the jealousy was but she was never able to control it. One thing I said to her many times was "you are only nice when I'm doing exactly what you want me to do and you can control everything. The second I do something that doesn't involve you you can't handle it".

It's funny how we only remember the good things after a break up but this is reminding me of the other stuff too. I do remember thinking that I would someday see her with another guy and they would look happy but I would know that he was putting up with what I used to have to put up with.

Maybe she'll find someone who is happy to be under her thumb or has a lifestyle that never provokes her jealousy but if she doesn't she's in for more heartbreak too. She's a beautiful woman with many great traits but the jealousy is so destructive.

zapper55

I'm glad you are starting to see that. Maybe suggest a night out with your mates or a football match or something.

And as for the jealously changing, well even he he stops going out too, workmates might be an issue for her or extended family. It's a no win situation.

ChangeTheWorld

zapper55 wrote: »

I presume you are back going on business trips? Can you take an extra day away to enjoy different culture, get out of your comfort zone.

Yes I have told my boss that I am free to travel now. He had a good idea of the real reason I wasn't doing those trips before anyway.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should reconnect with your friends. They probably have a good idea what was going on too.

Addle

Breaking off an engagement is such a difficult and brave thing to do.
Be kind to yourself OP and take it easy.
It takes time for new routines to develop.

Arrival

ChangeTheWorld wrote: »

zapper55 wrote: »

I presume you are back going on business trips? Can you take an extra day away to enjoy different culture, get out of your comfort zone.

Yes I have told my boss that I am free to travel now. He had a good idea of the real reason I wasn't doing those trips before anyway.

Did you tell him the truth? I'd say it'd definitely work in your favour to tell him outright that your ex held you back and made you feel too guilty to go on the trips and now that you're free you'd love to catch up a bit with these and that they'd benefit you as they'd help get your mind off things. I'm sure he's been through a bad breakup and can empathise about this.

Dalomanakora

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I think you should reconnect with your friends. They probably have a good idea what was going on too.

This. Things got quite nasty in my long term relationship in the last year or two (he became somewhat abusive) and I withdrew from friends over it.

It's four or five months after the break up now, and I actually went out with the friends I'd withdrawn from just last week and it was so much fun, and made me feel amazing. No judgement from them, they just wanted us all to have a good night. We've got plans to meet up again shortly and things are much nicer now I have my buddies back!



I think if you find things and people to fill your time with, you'll start to move on much faster.

zoobizoo

ChangeTheWorld wrote: »

but right now anytime I'm not distracted by something happening right in the moment my mind drifts back to her.

That's natural.

You don't miss her jealousy and controlling behaviour but you miss having someone to keep you occupied from Friday evening to Sunday night.

Give your old friends a call. Even if it's just
For a trio to the cinema or a coffee. It really breaks up the weekend.

LegacyUser

Arrival wrote: »

Did you tell him the truth? I'd say it'd definitely work in your favour to tell him outright that your ex held you back and made you feel too guilty to go on the trips and now that you're free you'd love to catch up a bit with these and that they'd benefit you as they'd help get your mind off things. I'm sure he's been through a bad breakup and can empathise about this.

I wouldn't advise disclosing that to a boss as it's too personal. If you feel you must say anything just say you don't have the same responsibilities and commitments now which leaves you free to travel abroad when required.

LolaJJ

OP

In my experience Break Ups are harder for the person who initiates them. At least if you are dumped you can accept your fate and that it wasn't within your control. But you have to deal with the questions as to whether or not it was the right thing and the responsibility for hurting someone and the feeling of what-if.

It's natural to be low and look back on the good times.

But it's also important to focus on how you were feeling when you made the decision to end things. Staying in a tolerable relationship to avoid a temporary trip outside your comfort zone while your life goes through a major adjustment is a daft thing to do (although many do it).

You will get out of this rut, reconnect with friends, go on some work-trips and your injury will heal. Eventually you will date again and this will be tough too, and hopefully you will meet someone, knowing now what you personally want and need from a relationship and enjoy a different and healthier love. Then you will look back and realise this is probably one of the cleverest things you did.

The jealously and insecurity of your ex might have been ok to put up with in the short term but that's the kind of thing that will suffocate you and cause huge resentment in the long term. From what you have said it was much kinder and logical to end things now.

Green&Red

OP, I was in a similar situation. Engaged to a lovely girl but for reasons to do with her mam was suspicious of everything, any nite out on my own would result in a row where she’d accuse me of cheating, I’d get thick, we’d row, she’d apologise the following morning saying she knew I wouldn’t do anything.
On repeat!
I thought getting engaged would show her that I wasn’t going to cheat. It didn’t. Eventually came to a head when she came back after a weekend away to find a child’s bracelet in our room, quite obviously a child’s, made from elastic and plastic and she accused me of having someone there for the weekend, I explained it was probably my (5yo) nieces who had been over that weekend, cause that was the logical explanation!
Broke it off the next day.

Took a long time to get over it, probably three years. But the best thing I ever did, she was never going to accept that I’d be faithful.
This will all pass, the doubts will be there for a long time, did I do the right thing but they’ll pass too

Good luck

ChangeTheWorld

Thanks for the input to everyone who responded. I know you are right and I am telling myself that this is the lowest point, that it can only get better from here and I just have to endure this and make the right choices to make things better going forward.

okiss

Why not try to meet up with a few friends? You could find that your friends could be glad to hear from you. Also look into something to do one or two nights a week as it could help you make new friends who are free at weekends.
Also see if your local library is open on a Saturday as they often have notices re local clubs, reading groups, language groups ect.
From what you have said about your ex I think you have made the right decision. It just that you broke up recently. Your dealing with a big life change and it can take some time to get your life to where you want it.
I would also do a few trips with work as it help you career wise. It could give you some extra experience that you can use job wise. I know it hard at the moment but you should look forward and be glad you had the courage to end a realtionship rather than end up in a bad marriage.

Keyzer

The jealousy thing, wow. You're better off out of this relationship - who wants to live their life being told what they can and cannot do by someone else. I bet she had no problems going out with her own mates though or if business trips came up for her she'd have no problem.

Take some time for yourself OP - have fun, meet people...

ginandtonicsky

What you're going through is not only normal but also entirely expected. Breakups alter your brain chemistry similar to what happens when a drug addict withdraws from heroine.

I went through the same during my last breakup and I found the facts behind it weirdly reassuring. The feelings of isolation and loneliness and dread for the weekends and rosetinting your girlfriend are actually a survival instinct, it's your brain's way of trying to protect you from extreme emotional pain (albeit in a misguided way, thanks brain...!)


Here's an interesting read on it:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201803/are-you-addicted-your-ex

I know it's cold comfort, but once you accept that these feelings are simply going to exist and need to be processed to move forward, things will gradually become easier and you'll see the logic of the situation, which is that this wasn't the right woman for you.

On the practical side, I'd advise two things: 1. keep busy and 2. find a good therapist. I spent my first counselling session crying for one hour solid. Knowing I had a safe place to vent and cry and process the breakup for one hour every week really helped to lift the fog and gave me the ability to handle emotions a lot more productively.

On the busy front: get involved in that work travel, re-connect with those friends you lost contact with, spent as much quality time as you can with your family and try to get out in the fresh air as often as possible. Take a drive to the sea or the countryside on weekends. I know I sound like an absolute hippie, but nature is incredibly good for the mind.

But most of all, be kind to yourself. Your ex doesn't sound like a particularly kind or caring individual. That can take its toll on your self-esteem and you need all the love and compassion in the world right now. Start by giving it to yourself. Get an early night where you can, eat well, buy yourself a nice jacket / pair of shoes / whatever, write your feelings down in a journal if you're into that kind of thing.

You'll be grand in time, like all of us who go through heartbreak x

ChangeTheWorld

Thanks for that ginandtonicsky and Keyzer. To be fair to my ex she didn't do things she felt I shouldn't do either so she wasn't a hypocrite and she was loving. She just couldn't handle anything that wasn't in her control and led to too many problems. Still doesn't stop me thinking about her constantly, especially the past couple of days.

I will definitely read through that article. Knowledge is most definitely power so hopefully it will help me process this better. I've been going to the gym after work because it makes the evenings shorter but I'm going to change that to the weekends so I have something to do for those two days.

I've been doing a lot of self analysing too and seeing what my faults are and how I can be better. I'm trying to use this time as a period of growth so that whatever happens in the future I'm hopefully a better version of myself.

Ursus Horribilis

You'll get over this - give it time. Even though I think you are better off out of that relationship, it's natural that you're going to need time to grieve it/her. I really hope that you take this time to reach out to your old friends and take steps to rebuild a social life for yourself. As you've learned the hard way, basing your entire life/social life around one person isn't the wisest of moves.