Don't like bf going out..

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I've been seeing a really great guy for the past few months and it's going really well. I'm just wondering if it's normal to feel a bit uncomfortable when your boyfriend or girlfriend go out without you? I know it's healthy to have your own space and hobbies and we do, I actually really enjoy my own company but when he goes out with the lads, I feel really insecure all of a sudden.

It's not just the lads, he has female friends and I don't like he goes out with them either. Is this normal to an extent at least? I feel threatened that while he's out girls will hit on him and be checking him out. It happens when I'm there so I know it must happen even more when I'm not there. I never let him know I feel this way but on nights when he's out I can't relax. I trust him but I feel insecure. This is my issue and I know that.

Any advice on how to stop these thoughts? He's going out tonight and I feel sick, literally unwell to my stomach at the thoughts of it.

Thanks

LuckyLloyd

Relationships are built on trust. You got together with your partner because you were attracted to them - for whatever reasons that might be. If you saw qualities in them, other people will too. In my experience, a person having an active and diverse social circle is a good testament to their character. You would ideally like your partner's life, not just their life with you.

But the bottom line is that they have chosen to be with you, and presumably that will mean that they aren't interested in anyone else while with you. You either believe that, or you'll drive yourself crazy trying to control your partner's actions and how they spend their time because you can't trust them out of your sight.

So, to directly answer your question, your feelings are common, or unfortunately common I should say. They lead to bad unsatisfying controlling relationships. Either let them go or let him go. You'll end up miserable if you don't.

LolaJJ

Hey OP

It's probably not unusual but I would wonder why he's not taking you with him? Is that what's making you insecure.

My BF has loads of good friends male and female. He goes out with the lads and I'm not even remotely bothered but when he's out with girls too, he would always bring me.

So, yea, if he was going out with lads and girls, i'd wonder where my invite was? That would be my only qualm. I can't honestly think of any occasion since we got together where he's socialised with both men and women and not brought me along, other than work stuff...

Maybe next time suggest coming along...

Dial Hard

Lookbutdon'ttouch wrote: »

It's not just the lads, he has female friends and I don't like he goes out with them either. Is this normal to an extent at least?

I don't particularly think it's normal, no. Certainly not to the extent that you literally feel physically sick about it. That's a wildly disproportionate response.

I think you really, really need to work on this issue. You can't stop other women checking him out or hitting on him and it's an exercise in futility to think you can. But if this is a relationship worth having, then he won't engage with them, in which case, what's the issue???

Muckka

Once that kind of thinking goes on about a relationship, I'd be looking out for red flags.

It's normal to be worried, ok it depends on your age too and social circles.

If I was in my 20's or thirties I'd be wary, as I wasn't as sure of myself back then.

But in your 40's it wouldn't bother me, as you grow older one gain's more confidence and trust.

I have the attitude of what's for me won't pass me by.

And if someone is messing with my head or being contradictory I walk away, two chances of negotiation and if we're both not happy.
Adiós

Sounds ruthless but better to have self respect rather than be a walkover....
I hope you make the right decision.

LegacyUser

LolaJJ wrote: »

Hey OP

It's probably not unusual but I would wonder why he's not taking you with him? Is that what's making you insecure.

My BF has loads of good friends male and female. He goes out with the lads and I'm not even remotely bothered but when he's out with girls too, he would always bring me.

So, yea, if he was going out with lads and girls, i'd wonder where my invite was? That would be my only qualm. I can't honestly think of any occasion since we got together where he's socialised with both men and women and not brought me along, other than work stuff...

Maybe next time suggest coming along...

Thanks LolaJJ... he does invite me along but I have a work night out tonight that I have to go to. We can't meet up later on either cos I've a work friend staying with me as she doesn't live in Dublin.

He's very handsome and women always stare at him. I just hate how I feel when he oges out, I hate knowing women will approach him. He's in a band and gets loads of female attention and I hate it so much. They do it in front of my face too, all over him

skallywag

I think each situation is different.

With my current partner I don't even bat an eye when she goes out without me, and I feel completely comfortable with it. I was in a relationship once though where I felt very uneasy when she went out with her friends, to the point that I was on edge the whole time while she was out. I saw the way that she acted when she was out with me, which then painted these pictures in my head of what she could be like when I was not there.

It did turn out that I was somewhat correct to feel this way, as she went off with other guys on some of these nights out. That said, I would never put myself though that again, as it completely tormented me. If I could not find peace of mind when someone was out, then I would just move on.

ChrissieH

If your bf hasn't given you any reason to be mistrustful of him but yet you're feeling sick at the thought of him being out where other girls can flirt with him, and potentially steal him away from you, then it sounds to me like the issue is that you're so insecure that you're assuming he's going to meet someone better than you the minute he gets away from under your "supervision".

I know it's easier said than done, because as Muckka said, confidence often comes with age and so there's no magic way of "being confident" if you're just not, but the logical part of you simply HAS to try to take control of this before you sabotage your own relationship by becoming increasingly paranoid and upset every time he goes out, resulting in him not wanting to be around you.

Yes, of course other girls will be checking him out and other guys will be checking you out. Happens with myself and my husband all the time and it makes us proud, but there was a time when we used to get jealous over it, so just try to keep control of your feelings for now and as you get more serious in your relationship, hopefully his commitment will become apparent to you and you will be able to relax, knowing that he only has eyes for you.

wiggle16

Dial Hard wrote: »

I don't particularly think it's normal, no. Certainly not to the extent that you literally feel physically sick about it. That's a wildly disproportionate response.

I think you really, really need to work on this issue. You can't stop other women checking him out or hitting on him and it's an exercise in futility to think you can. But if this is a relationship worth having, then he won't engage with them, in which case, what's the issue???

+1 to this.

The one thing I'll say is that theres nothing he can do about this. You have to work on this issue.

If it is making you feel physically sick then counselling is probably the way to go: some people are naturally insecure but you shouldn't be feeling like this, it's a disproportionate reaction.

One other thing I'll say is that reassurance from him is not the solution. I've known some people who got reguluarly upset and annoyed if their partnner didn't text them while out without them, or didn't text enough to check in, didn't tell me you were going there rather than there etc... I'm not saying you're inclined to do that, but don't go down that road. It only breeds resentment and you become more insecure as you expect more and more contact.

You really need to work on this issue. Best of luck OP x

ElizaBennett

Agree with wiggle16 re you not giving in to these feelings and asking for reassurance all the time he's out. My partner feels insecure when I'm out but we've talked about it and he knows it's his issue. He never brings it up now and I find that a great help. Even though I know he's probably worrying a bit it's a comfort that he's controlling it and not making me feel bad about a rare night out without him.

ginandtonicsky

A few questions.

How often does he go out without you on an average week? Is he a total social animal? Anecdotally I've found the drive to be out on the town constantly has definitely nose-dived when I've gotten into relationships in the past. The odd night sure, and regular meet-ups with certain groups of friends, but if it's a greater frequency than that, I'd personally be wondering why my fella was more keen to head out without me if there was an option to spend time with me instead.

How does he react to the female attention? Does he encourage it and flirt with other women in front of you, or is he polite-but-standoffish, introducing you as his girlfriend early on etc. People will naturally gravitate towards good-looking people so there's not much you can do there. If he's earned your trust and not given you any reason to think he'd be unfaithful so far, this may just be something you need to get over.

Which leads to my next question - Why are his good looks and the female attention making you feel insecure? Are you generally a confident person yourself, or do you feel like he's "too good-looking" for you? I've known a few women that felt like this with their partners. Might be worth exploring your feelings here.

witchgirl26

OP I would agree that feeling physically unwell when your bf goes out isn't a normal or healthy response. If he's a good looking guy with confidence, course he's going to get attention but people can get attention without it leading to anything.

Have you felt this way in other relationships you've been in?

As for the female friends - no I wouldn't consider this normal either. I'm happy that my OH has a large circle of friends that are both men and women. To be fair most of the girls in his circle of friends have been happily coupled up for years before I even met him. They were great for me when I joined the group as they were the ones who pulled me in to the social things and also were able to give me some insights into himself that the lads wouldn't. How is your relationship with his female friends? Are they standoffish with you or fairly open and welcoming. Now don't get me wrong - some of the girls were a little standoffish with me as they were protective of himself in the beginning. Nothing more, no interest from their part in him except to look out for him.

LegacyUser

If it's wrecking your head this much now I would imagine it will fester and cause issues going forward, if it isn't already. I used to go out with a girl who was good looking but only hung out with guys who all fancied her and I was always uneasy when she was going out with them etc, it used to have me worried sick. I could never understand why she'd want to be friends with guys who obviously fancied her, and any questioning of it was deemed controlling and me being possessive etc. I mean maybe I was for all I know but I was younger then and I would just avoid going out with someone like that in future. I have been with lots of girls since who not even for a split second have I had to worry when they went out etc, I was always just glad of the time alone tbh.
I'm the complete opposite of these people though, I am considered good looking but I haven't had a woman all over me in God knows how long, because of how I carry myself and don't put myself in certain situations. I find people who have men or women all over them allow it to happen, and may enjoy it. Not to say they'd act on it, but if you're not cool with this don't think that you have to go out with someone like that, I would say the vast majority of people aren't like this, whether they are in a band or not.
I doubt you'll leave the guy any time soon on your own accord as he's good looking and in a band, which is probably as attractive as it gets for a lot of young ladies, but if I can't see this ending well, and prepare for a lot more anxiety...