Second doubts after friends comments

Casualcontrol1

I have recently started a guy who’s from Pakistan. He’s a nice guy and I enjoy his company. Only one friend of mine knows as I like to keep things private but her comment last night hurt me. I was telling her about our date the weekend and She laughed and said I find it so hard to imagine you kissing a (Pakistani) guy, and used passive comments like oh well he’s not my type but whatever makes you happy I suppose.
This has made me second guess myself with this guy as I am aware in our society especially in rural areas Pakistani guys get a bit of a rap for being possessive and creepy etc. But this guy isn’t, I find him very genuine.
Why would she make such comments?

miamee

It sounds like your friend might be a little bit jealous. She knows nothing about the guy. If you enjoy his company and are enjoying your dates, pay her and her 'opinion' no attention.
It might turn out to be a short term relationship, a few dates or you could end up in a long term relationship with this guy - whatever it is, just enjoy it and stop worrying what other people will think of him.

I agree - it sounds like jealousy. Unless your friend tends to be bitchy in general? There's no reason for a comment like that - she hasn't met him and has made comments as if she knows him.
I wouldn't discuss him with her again - I'd be distancing myself from her for a bit, if I were you - at least until you know where you are with the relationship - don't let her crap influence you.

Dial Hard

I'm going to disagree on the jealousy comments and possibly open myself up to a bit of vitriol in the process, but so be it.

Is it possible her comments are coming from a place of concern and she's just not expressing it very well? If one of my friends started dating a guy from a non-EU country and specifically a majority Muslim one, I would be a little bit "Hmm". Call me every type of bigot under the sun but my Spidey senses immediately start tingling in this scenario. Obviously so much of this depends on the individual, so if I were in her (or your) shoes, I would be asking what this guy's background is, was he educated here or elsewhere in Europe? What's his family background like, are they here or still in Pakistan? What are his religious views? His political ones? His social ones? How does he feel about same-sex marriage? Sex before marriage? Gender equality? If both of your views on these things are aligned, then happy days. I guess all I'm saying is that I can kind of understand why your friend might be a bit cautious about the whole thing.

Casualcontrol1

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm going to disagree on the jealousy comments and possibly open myself up to a bit of vitriol in the process, but so be it.

Is it possible her comments are coming from a place of concern and she's just not expressing it very well? If one of my friends started dating a guy from a non-EU country and specifically a majority Muslim one, I would be a little bit "Hmm". Call me every type of bigot under the sun but my Spidey senses immediately start tingling in this scenario. Obviously so much of this depends on the individual, so if I were in her (or your) shoes, I would be asking what this guy's background is, was he educated here or elsewhere in Europe? What's his family background like, are they here or still in Pakistan? What are his religious views? His political ones? His social ones? How does he feel about same-sex marriage? Sex before marriage? Gender equality? If both of your views on these things are aligned, then happy days. I guess all I'm saying is that I can kind of understand why your friend might be a bit cautious about the whole thing.

You are very right and I’ll be honest I had the same reservations. I have never been romantically involved with a non Irish guy before and being from a Muslim country creates doubt for me too.
He is a doctor, educated in Pakistan living here two years. Some family in uk some still home. He is raised Muslim but says he doesn’t believe or practise the religion at all. Has no problem with same sex marriages or gay men/women. Sex before marriage- he is not a virgin. He is very open. Gender quality, this may be cultural but he very much wants to look after me and take care of everything money wise etc. This bothers me sometimes as I am very independent and like to pay my own way. Yes it is sweet but not too much of same. But yes I still have my eyes open because no matter what he believes religion wise there will always be cultural differences

Casualcontrol1

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I agree - it sounds like jealousy. Unless your friend tends to be bitchy in general? There's no reason for a comment like that - she hasn't met him and has made comments as if she knows him.
I wouldn't discuss him with her again - I'd be distancing myself from her for a bit, if I were you - at least until you know where you are with the relationship - don't let her crap influence you.

Thank you. It just hurt a little, I was naturally on a bit of a high as you are with someone new and she just brought me crashing to earth quiet rapidly.

suicide_circus

no idea if this is the case here but when dating anyone who is in the country on a temporary visa - watch out and have your wits about you. it's just common sense.

woodchuck

She could be jealous.
She could be a rascist.
She could be a b1tch.
Or she could be concerned, such as Dial Hard has outlined.

You know her better than us though OP, which do you think it is? Or if you're not sure, I'd confront her the next time she makes a comment like that.

Casualcontrol1

suicide_circus wrote: »

no idea if this is the case here but when dating anyone who is in the country on a temporary visa - watch out and have your wits about you. it's just common sense.

Yes this worries me also I am aware of this and he has stated he plans to go to the uk in a year or so

Casualcontrol1

woodchuck wrote: »

She could be jealous.
She could be a rascist.
She could be a b1tch.
Or she could be concerned, such as Dial Hard has outlined.

You know her better than us though OP, which do you think it is? Or if you're not sure, I'd confront her the next time she makes a comment like that.

I would say 1 and 3. She made a comment in the past about an Irish guy I was seeing, he moved into an apartment and asked me to help him set a few things including his room by helping him hang a mirror and a few small genuine things. I told her this in passing and she it made her feel sick

Casualcontrol1

suicide_circus wrote: »

no idea if this is the case here but when dating anyone who is in the country on a temporary visa - watch out and have your wits about you. it's just common sense.

Can you elaborate on having my wits about me? As in they could leave at any stage and leaving you high and dry or potentially use you for a visa by marriage?

VeryTerry

I know a Pakistani lad who is very forward thinking with a very good job but comes from a traditional family. I arrived back here from Ireland after Christmas and now he's having an arranged marriage in 4 months. I wasn't expecting that for him at all.

solerina

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

You are very right and I’ll be honest I had the same reservations. I have never been romantically involved with a non Irish guy before and being from a Muslim country creates doubt for me too.
He is a doctor, educated in Pakistan living here two years. Some family in uk some still home. He is raised Muslim but says he doesn’t believe or practise the religion at all. Has no problem with same sex marriages or gay men/women. Sex before marriage- he is not a virgin. He is very open. Gender quality, this may be cultural but he very much wants to look after me and take care of everything money wise etc. This bothers me sometimes as I am very independent and like to pay my own way. Yes it is sweet but not too much of same. But yes I still have my eyes open because no matter what he believes religion wise there will always be cultural differences

I can see why she may be concerned, I know of one case where a lovely friend met a guy from a similar background to what you have described, he was very open and non religious until children came along and then he changed majorly.....they eventually split but there were huge issues with regard to custody etc when that happened.

Pelvis

OP didn't you post about this guy before? About how you were concerned about how it would look going out with this guy or something?

Your friend's comment was a bit silly, based on your own wording I put it down to simple immaturity. Are you projecting your own reservations by any chance?

elainee40

Irish female here, dating Pakistani man for 2 years in Ireland, full Irish resident.

Not controlling, no religious as such in traditional sense, very sweet and kind and very supportive. I've had few comments for one or two High maintenance" so called friends. But I've ignored.

Don't let people's views on how Muslims act from news or what people think get to you.

End of day a lot of Irish are as bad. Enjoy your relationship, once your happy who cares.

leggo

Originally I thought your friend was racist (mild casual racism coming out in the thread btw). Then you said the part about her commenting about your Irish ex. She’s probably just the type of bitter person who doesn’t like seeing other people happy. I wouldn’t consider her much of a friend tbh, much less making her the ‘only’ person you tell about this stuff.

Keep dating. See this stuff for yourself and ignore others’ comments/experiences. If you’re happy, don’t fight it or look for reasons to sabotage it. Just enjoy it and see how it goes.

judeboy101

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

You are very right and I’ll be honest I had the same reservations. I have never been romantically involved with a non Irish guy before and being from a Muslim country creates doubt for me too.
He is a doctor, educated in Pakistan living here two years. Some family in uk some still home. He is raised Muslim but says he doesn’t believe or practise the religion at all. Has no problem with same sex marriages or gay men/women. Sex before marriage- he is not a virgin. He is very open. Gender quality, this may be cultural but he very much wants to look after me and take care of everything money wise etc. This bothers me sometimes as I am very independent and like to pay my own way. Yes it is sweet but not too much of same. But yes I still have my eyes open because no matter what he believes religion wise there will always be cultural differences

He says that now, OP, that might change with marriage and children. Plenty of stories out there of women who got married to moderate Muslim men, only to end up in iran/Pakistan as their kids are raised by his family.

Tokyo

OP, I imagine that your friend's opinion might be borne of ignorance, much like some of the comments here. Not all Pakistanis are possessive, not all Muslims are reserved or extremist. To brush on the extreme mentioned above, rapists come in all races and creeds, as evidenced in the papers on a weekly basis. One could make an equally convincing argument that he left his home country to get away from aspects of his culture, but that generally doesn't get a mention.

Ultimately, the best judge of your situation is you, not your friend or indeed anybody in this thread. People can offer opinions, but they don't have to be in the relationship. My suggestion would be to do as you would in any other relationship - see how it goes, and assess for yourself if you want it to go further. As mentioned above, it could be a short term thing, or it could grow into something more.

suicide_circus

Casualcontrol1 wrote: »

Can you elaborate on having my wits about me? As in they could leave at any stage and leaving you high and dry or potentially use you for a visa by marriage?

yeah again I'm not saying your fella is up to anything but I know two eastern europeans who, perhaps naively, married charming and loving south asian men only to be dumped once residency was established. Bear in mind thatup until recently many mainly south asian men have paid tens of thousands to criminal gangs for arranged marriages of convenience to EU citizens in Ireland.

Eric Cartman

No idea how long this is going on but if its long term enough id sit down and have a discussion about the future and specifically children, would he be happy to raise the children as non muslim ? Would he be happy to live the rest of his life in Ireland and would he be happy for you to marry in annon religious ceremony and not convert.

I had a friend who everything was ‘fine’ for until that conversation came up and then it was all “ohh we’d just be doing it to keep my mother happy” and other excuses, got violently angry when she suggested that she wouldnt convert or raise the kids muslim. That was a lucky escape.

Mr. Incognito

A lot of Irish people are not racist until their friend or family start dating a foreign person.

I am dating a foreign person. My family have been weird about it till I told them all to cop the **** on.

Casualcontrol1

Eric Cartman wrote: »

No idea how long this is going on but if its long term enough id sit down and have a discussion about the future and specifically children, would he be happy to raise the children as non muslim ? Would he be happy to live the rest of his life in Ireland and would he be happy for you to marry in annon religious ceremony and not convert.

I had a friend who everything was ‘fine’ for until that conversation came up and then it was all “ohh we’d just be doing it to keep my mother happy” and other excuses, got violently angry when she suggested that she wouldnt convert or raise the kids muslim. That was a lucky escape.

Only been going on about two months but the physical element has recently begun two weeks ago, before that it was just texting and meeting during work platonically.
I feel I should have this convo in the next few weeks. Whatever about him wanting/not wanting a non religious ceremony, I was raised catholic and still practise my religion and I want a catholic wedding and raise my children catholic. I would not feel happy with a registry office ceremony. He has stated he wants to move to uk at some stage that’s why I think we would be better having this as a non serious non committal thing as I can invisage heartbreak and issues down the line regarding same. I think it’s a good idea have this convo early on. I will take your advice on board

leggo

Like the UK thing is a legitimate concern: you don't want to live in the same place and may have different values about how you see your future. In truth you can bring this up now, I'd always seed this stuff quite early on before it becomes anything so feelings aren't hurt down the line. Just chat at the first available, natural opportunity about how you see your life going and he'll likely respond in kind. You don't have to be intense like "Do you want children? And how many? And what religion will little Jake and Suzy be?" Just say what you've got in mind and that's generally enough.

None of this is affected by the fact he's from Pakistan and it doesn't address the issue you first raised: that your mate makes unwanted comments about your partners.

ladygirl

A male friend of mine is from Packistan and is a Doctor working in Ireland with several years. His wife is Irish

When they got engaged both sets of families were raging - Her's were raging as he was a muslim, he was planning to convert her to his religion, steal and radicalise their children etc etc etc....

His family were raging because they said he was marrying white trash

Both are so very happily married now.
Ignore the haters - judge for yourself

Ursus Horribilis

My feeling is that you are being less than honest with yourself here. If you genuinely believed this was a non-serious, non-committal thing you'd not be thinking about what religion your kids might be or where he's going to live.

Eric Cartman

ladygirl wrote: »

A male friend of mine is from Packistan and is a Doctor working in Ireland with several years. His wife is Irish

When they got engaged both sets of families were raging - Her's were raging as he was a muslim, he was planning to convert her to his religion, steal and radicalise their children etc etc etc....

His family were raging because they said he was marrying white trash

Both are so very happily married now.
Ignore the haters - judge for yourself

I can see those arguments happening all over but as far as im concerned , if marrying a muslim man , in Ireland , the woman should not be converting. If he can't even deal with her not being muslim then clearly theres control issues, hardly like that religion is famous for respecting women.

Katgurl

Lots of racism here I see.

Anyway back to your op. Your friend hasn't expressed any concern about cultural differences not being aligned with yours, she's just sneered at him and said he's not her type. Pettiness, jealousy and nastiness all spring to mind.

When I was younger this would have really upset me. These days I would feel sorry for her. She sounds pathetic. Is the friendship worth it?

I have a relatively new friend (few years) from work. She is desperate to meet someone and bounces from drama to drama. I liked my guy quite early on and felt it could be something serious. She looked at a photo and said she didn't fancy him at all. She was jealous of my happiness, simple as or she wouldn't have felt any need to comment. I didn't care if she found him attractive!

seraphimvc

Don't post in PI often so this is my 2cent.

This is 2019. Rural or city areas, they don't matter. White/black/brown/blue, it shouldn't matter. Country of origin, africa/india/moon, why the heck it matters? As soon as you are happy, do what you want to do in your limited time of life. You only live once, everything is an experience in life. You will have communications just like you are in any (potential) relationship, communicate when you have questions/doubts. Remember, this is 2019, not 1819.

wildwillow

I don't care what his race or religion are but alarm bells always ring when I read he wants to take care of you and control money. This is a relatively new relationship and you say you have your eyes open. Watch out for moves to isolate you or be annoyed with you if you have friends of your own.
This applies in all relationships. Trust is important and some partners are genuinely caring and show it by caring too much.

Do not lose your identity.

Emme

OP if he wants to take care of you and control money this could be a perfectly innocent cultural issue and if you explain to him that you prefer to take care of your own finances and be independent he should be cool with that.

If not it could be signs of a control issue which has nothing to do with his background - Irish guys can be controlling too.

If you think he is controlling - run.