Marriage over, not coping

LegacyUser

Don't know where to begin on this but I'm married 14 years with three young kids (7-9) and my wife doesn't love me any more. She never had a huge amount of confidence in herself up to about 5 years ago when she took up a sport and she slowly became much more confident in herself and much happier than she had ever been before. I'm an old fashioned kind of guy and instead of seeing that happiness as supplement to our own, I saw it as a failure on my part, that I could never have made her that happy, that it had put all our perceived happiness up to that point into perspective. I know now that I kind of retreated into myself as a result and communication between us slowly fizzled out. The passion we once had also went the same way and we stopped having sex over a year ago now.
It all came to a head when she sent me an email at the start of December saying this couldn't continue. I was a coward and didn't confront the issues a long time ago but in one way, I was so glad it had finally been addressed. She had been to a therapist before she sent the mail and recommended that we go to a couples one, which I agreed to. I went and instead of recognising the true problem, I threw her under the bus by describing how hurt I was by her coldness to me. We talked after that and I realised what I did so I went to get my own therapist to try and sort out my own head. Found a good one and through a few sessions, got to the heart of why I was like that and how stupid I had been to see her personal happiness in competition with ours. Ever since the first email, I have been scrambling for solutions (date night suggestions, admitting everything I was finding out about myself after each therapy session, trying to be normal around her and not crowding her among other things).
I started having panic attacks at the thought that it could be over and stupidly told her one night that I had made a "being alive" pros and cons list at the bottom of a bottle. I had been drinking heavily in the last year because I thought she didn't love me any more but again, was too cowardly to bring the issues up. She was getting happier in herself and I didn't want to interrupt that in one way. So we organised a second couples session and it was two weeks away. I kept scrambling for solutions but she didn't seem to be proposing anything other than how we would deal with the aftermath of us splitting. The panic attacks got worse and more common. I pleaded with her in one email to know if there was any hope for us and because of that stupid list admission, she said, "there's always hope" in an attempt to make sure there was a professional in the room when she dealt the blow. When the session came, I started and explained all of what I had figured out with my therapist and ended by saying "...and right now I'm just terrified that it's too late". To which the therapist turned to her and asked her opinion. She said, yes, it is too late and I can't see any way at all of getting back together. I had the worst panic attack I had had with my entire hands now numb instead of just the pins and needles in the fingers. I fell over and they both tried to help me back up, gave me lavender to breath in etc.
So since then, she has proposed that we stay in the house and front a family unit for the kids sake. It'll be 11 years at least of this and she has accepted that she won't be able to divorce me, staying married in common law. I'm fine with that because the kids are paramount in this and they can't be hurt by this. There is also the small hope for me that she might fall in love with me again if I can get my **** together. I've stopped drinking, dropped 2 1/5 stone since the mail, I'm exercising and continuing with my own therapist but right now, I'm hurting so badly because I still love her so much. If anything I love her more because of who she's become. I'm not thinking straight a lot of the time now and I'm breaking down at the slightest thing. I've researched the "cohabitation while separated" thing and asked her to explain to me how she sees it working but she refuses to discuss anything until our next couples session in nearly three weeks time. She also refuses to tell me why she doesn't love me any more until then. I need to know that, how much of an asshole I really was and what I did to turn her away from me from her own mouth. I still don't know and it's killing me. Even if it is over, I need to know if the cohabitation thing is going to work. It's going to eat me inside if I don't and the panic attacks are back as a result. I'm lost and heartbroken and while she tells me that this situation is both of our doings, I am taking all the blame myself because I don't have the full picture from her perspective. I know I was stupid, cowardly and ran away from the responsibility of our marriage but I honestly don't know what to do now until the next session.

Goodigal

I couldn't read and not reply. I feel for you. My husband told me he didn't love me, but we continued to live with each other and our young children for another year or so before he finally told me he had been having an affair for almost 2 years. It was impossible to cohabit when I knew he didn't want me, I was so sad and a shell of myself but putting on a brave face for our children. There was freedom when he finally admitted what was going on but that's not to say I wasn't destroyed emotionally too. I cannot imagine how you will cohabit and co parent for the next 11 years. One year was torture for me, and not worth it for the children's sake to see their parents struggle to be in the same room as each other. But perhaps your therapist can point you in the right direction. Poor communication was a big thing for us too, but both parties are to blame so don't be too hard on yourself.

Xterminator

Hi Op

This sounds like a recipe for disaster on your part. Living with the woman you love hoping she will love you back, but she doesn't. You are going to have to accept her at her word. If she says its too late, then in her eyes it is. After everything you have seen and learned you are going to have to give her the courtesy of taking her word for how she feels. my fear for you is that by living with her you can neither accept the situation nor move on.

Trying to fix yourself for her isn't the solution to your marriage issues. you need to get your head right and learn from your mistakes for your own sake and the sake of your kids. The main thing you need to do is get yourself back on track but for yourself. Keep up the therapy, the exercise. throw yourself into being a good dad with renewed energy. and instead of trying to be a husband, try to be a parent and earn her trust back as a person. Accepting your mistakes but forgive yourself and resolve to learn and change your behaviour in the future.

If you accept what she tells you about how she feels perhaps you can salvage a friendship. Perhaps you can move on from where you can only talk to each other by email.

paw patrol

Living together "for the sake of the kids" it utter nonsense. You will achieve nothing except heap a load of guilt on your kids which they may carry well into adulthood.

Both of you should be adults and work out your problems one way or another with foisting your bull**** onto your kids.

LegacyUser

Distraught wrote: »

So since then, she has proposed that we stay in the house and front a family unit for the kids sake. It'll be 11 years at least of this and she has accepted that she won't be able to divorce me, staying married in common law. I'm fine with that because the kids are paramount in this and they can't be hurt by this.

As someone who was the kid in a similar situation all i can say is OP please don't do this. Your kids are well aware of whats going on and you are hurting them by forcing this fake reality on to them. You'll both become more and more miserable and your kids will be the ones that suffer the most in the end. You are also giving them a terrible example of how relationships worked that will impact on their future relationships.

For the sake of your kids you need to separate and sort your own issues out. You have kids together so you will always have a relationship with your wife wither you stay together or divorce.