Seriously down and don't know where to turn

anon1231

Hi,

Long time poster but I'm going anonymous for this.

Not sure where to start. Basically I'm 33 years old. I have a long term girlfriend who I planned on getting married to, having kids and hopefully getting a house.

I was in a job for 12 years, went into it straight after secondary school. Loved it but the salary wasn't great and there was no progression. (this job is no longer an option). I decided to leave it as I had a contact in this really great company where I could work my way up and there were great career prospects. The problem was it was an unpaid internship. So basically I had some savings (roughly 30k), I decided I'd take a chance and go for it as it seemed like the right decision for our future.

Fast forward 12 months and the company are completely restructured and 50% of staff have been let go. I'm now in a situation where I have spent the majority of my savings and have little to show for it.

My girlfriend has a good public sector job but at the minute lives 1 hour away. I moved back to our hometown for this job and moved in with my parents to save as much money as possible. Although both are very accommodating, my mother is an alcoholic. She's been to rehab twice and after a year or so relapsed. She's not a bad person but when she's drunk she just looks to pick fights with my father. She shouts and cries and tries to justify her behaviour and the following day will be all apologies until doing it all over again. The problem is, I'm so down and depressed at the moment that her behaviour and seeing her in this state is really getting to me, it's really pulling me under.

I've never been at a low ebb before, but right now everything seems to be weighing on me and I feel like I can't cope. I'm unemployed, have no experience in a career of significance, have no degree, spent all my savings so i can't even move out of my house. College isn't an option because I failed maths in the LC, and tbh at my age, I can't afford to spend 3-4 years in college. I would have gone back and repeated initially as the rest of my results were decent but I had that really great other job lined up. But what kills me the most is I really want to be able to give my girlfriend everything she deserves. She;s smart, good looking and a really great person, yet I'm this failure that right now has nothing. I could move in with her, she lives with 2 other people but that would be embarrassing for the two of us and I really don't need my girlfriend paying for me, that would really destroy the last of my pride. All her friends are married and having kids with mortgages etc and here she is stuck with this loser that has no job and lives with his parents.

I know this is serious self pity but I honestly couldn't feel any lower right now. I'm sorry for the rant, anyone that has read it all, thank you. Hope this doesn't bring too much negativity to your day.

Mr. Incognito

Retrain.

There's plenty of jobs that dont require a higher college education.

You could become a tradesman. Most trades earn more than most professionals and theres a shortage out there at the moment.

Ladybird37

Hi OP,
First of all let me say that you sound like a great fella so don't be so hard on yourself. We all have these moments in our lives when we feel we could be doing better but half that battle is wanting to change it, which it sounds like you do!

I agree with the poster above in that you should definitely look into something that you are interested in retraining in. Maybe a night course or part time which would give you the freedom to work too. Would you be able to look into other jobs that are paid so you can at least start earning some money?

How about looking for a job in your girlfriends town so you could move in with her and her housemates (if that is a possibility?) Even if it was a job that wasn't in your field, the money alone would give you a few more options in courses & living arrangements etc.

Obviously I don't know what she thinks but I would hope that your girlfriend understands this isn't forever. You took a gamble (to try and improve your future) with the internship and it didn't pay off, these things happen. To be honest, ALL relationships will have ebbs and flows for whatever reason and the important part is not how you are when the going is good but how you pull together & support each other (emotionally & financially) when times are hard.

This is not the rest of your life just a temporary hurdle...Get a plan in action and while it will not change overnight or without effort, I think you will feel better knowing that you're working towards something.

anon1231

Ladybird37 wrote: »

Hi OP,
First of all let me say that you sound like a great fella so don't be so hard on yourself. We all have these moments in our lives when we feel we could be doing better but half that battle is wanting to change it, which it sounds like you do!

I agree with the poster above in that you should definitely look into something that you are interested in retraining in. Maybe a night course or part time which would give you the freedom to work too. Would you be able to look into other jobs that are paid so you can at least start earning some money?

How about looking for a job in your girlfriends town so you could move in with her and her housemates (if that is a possibility?) Even if it was a job that wasn't in your field, the money alone would give you a few more options in courses & living arrangements etc.

Obviously I don't know what she thinks but I would hope that your girlfriend understands this isn't forever. You took a gamble (to try and improve your future) with the internship and it didn't pay off, these things happen. To be honest, ALL relationships will have ebbs and flows for whatever reason and the important part is not how you are when the going is good but how you pull together & support each other (emotionally & financially) when times are hard.

This is not the rest of your life just a temporary hurdle...Get a plan in action and while it will not change overnight or without effort, I think you will feel better knowing that you're working towards something.

Thanks for this response. Yes I know it's only a temporary obstacle but I'm very worried about the road ahead. I just don't feel like I can give my girlfriend the life she deserves. Another 2-3 years of upskilling and earning little to nothing isn't fair on her. She's 34 and she'd like to settle down and have kids. I know I'm holding her back from all of this. I look at my mother and fathers situation and can't see any way out of any of this. I'm completely over come by everything. I try to change my mind frame from one issue, and another comes crashing over me. I just can't see a way out

Ladybird37

Hi again OP,

Have you spoken about how you are feeling with your girlfriend? What has she told you about how she feels?

While I completely understand you feel overwhelmed by your situation, it's also a catch 22 as you are the only person who can change it. (a cliché I know, but bear with me)

There most definitely is a way out of this. If you don't want to spend the time to try and up skill why not look for a new job? You mentioned that the job you were in for 12 years which the salary wasn't great but you still managed to save 30K, that is a great achievement. One a person twice your age may never achieve. Also, the fact you were in your job so long shows loyalty and the fact you took on an unpaid intern for 12 months shows ambition. Two great qualities!

You need to take one step at a time, trying to fix everything at once is never going to be successful and you will end up stressing. Maybe write a list of what needs to be done and go about taking the first step to put the first item in action. Even little things like, researching jobs, sending away CV's, contacting recruitment agencies etc..



Myself and my husband have been through some rough times, including an illness that left him with no choice to leave work to get better. At no time did I resent him for having to put our plans on hold, it could easily of been me who got ill and the shoe would have been on the other foot with him supporting me. This was a hugely stressful time for us, one wage to pay all our overheads and I spent endless hours worrying and stressing about it, at the time it felt hopeless. However with no other choice but to carry on as best as we could, we did get through it. I guess what I'm trying to say, that this too shall pass......

IrishGrimReaper

Hey OP,

I feel for you because you really seem to love your lady. It's a hard place to get your head out thinking you're not good enough for someone, but she's with you because she loves you. It's worth forcing yourself to remember that even though it can be tough. You should have a chat with her and discuss how you feel.

In regards to your future. I just want to say that it's never to late to learn, I didn't finish school; didn't even do the leaving. Took odd bits of jobs here and there in a small town, spent a considerable amount of time on the dole. There is options out there to have a future, I signed up for an Insurance apprenticeship in September 2017 and have been there ever since.

Applications won't be open for a few months sadly, but there is options and maybe it's something you might be interested in? You should get a starting level salary for most companies around €18K-€22K while not a large amount, it's good for an apprentice role and after the 3 years you'll have a degree and loads of career options in Financial services.

Your age will be a benefit if anything. I'm just about to turn 31
https://www.earnandlearn.ie/insurance-apprenticeships

Teapot30

Do a further ed course, theyre cheap, you can get a grant while doing them, you dont need a leaving cert as a mature student to do a PLC course and the employment opportunities are fantastic. My boyfriend completed a level 5 in special needs assisting last year, it was a 9 month course and he's now in full time employment in a school with a good wage, his wage goes up every year, he finishes at 3 everyday and is paid his full wage over the school holidays. Its worth trying.

santana75

anon1231 wrote: »

College isn't an option because I failed maths in the LC, and tbh at my age, I can't afford to spend 3-4 years in college.

Say what? You're 33 Op, trust me colleges are full of people in their 30s, 40s, 50s 60s, 70s 80s, and Im sure there are 90 and 100+ year olds in college some place in the world. Do your research, dont write yourself off like that. If you want to go to college you absolutely can make that happen. Dont make assumptions, actually go and do it, thats the only way you'll find out for sure. Its up to you. You can sit around looking at everything you dont have or tie yourself in knots thinking about all the "mistakes" you made, or you can get up and start hustling. "mistakes" are things that happen at a certain time, but when you can look back a few years later you'll be able to connect the dots and see they werent mistakes afterall, just guide posts. So like I said, you have a choice: Sit around thinking yourself into despair or get hustling and do something like go back to school.