Am I a horrible person?

LegacyUser

First, For some background info, I have been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years, since early 20's. She's a fantastic person, and I really do love her, She's the person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with, and I would never cheat on her,I wouldn't be able to live with myself keeping it from her and she'd probably break up with me if I did.
She's not the first girlfriend I've had, but before I met her I wasn't in the best place personally, I wasn't in the best shape, and self-confidence was really low at the time. As a result, I never did the whole meeting random people, hooking up thing etc, in fact, I only ever had one other sexual partner bar her.
I'm now in a much better place personally, and while I wouldnt consider myself the best looking guy, I seem to attract a lot more attention from the opposite sex, a lot of times from girls people would consider well out of my league. For example, I started a new job around 6 months ago, and there are a few girls there who I know from comments they've made themselves, and comments co-workers have told me, are interested in me, I'm finding myself attracted to them, but purely in a carnal way. I have no interest in anyone else emotionally bar my partner. Question is, Am I the only one who ever feels like this? And am I best to sit down and have this conversation with my girlfriend, I'm afraid she'll take it that I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally anymore which couldn't be further from the case. I almost feel like I need to get it out of my system, as I never and was almost thinking about suggesting a break from our relationship, as i feel like i haven't sown my wild oats, and if i don't, im afraid i'll regret it further down the line. Any advice as harsh as it may be is welcome.TIA

ginandtonicsky

Before you make any decisions, you should know two things:

1. Casual hookups and one night stands are really not all they’re cracked up to be. They are empty, boring experiences once you’ve done them more than a handful of times. The sex is usually mediocre and the lack of meaning or connection frustrating. The intimacy and love you have now is rare, and not something you can find on demand when you’re bored of the no-strings stuff which will happen quicker than you can possibly imagine

2. The attention you’re perceiving now is as a result of the fact that you’re comfortable and confident in a relationship and not “looking”. This is a weird but very common phenomenon. I got an absurd amount of male attention when I was with my ex because I was comfortable in male company without any air of expectation. People want what they can’t have; you becoming single might actually kill off all of this choice that you think you have

Big Bag of Chips

I think what you're feeling is very common. You're young. You're in a long term relationship. You're not blind. So are going to notice attractive people. And if your gf fancies you then it's safe to assume others might think you're attractive too.

Just be aware that if you suggest to your gf that you have a break for a while so that you can go sample what else us out there, she will also be free to sample what's out there. And there's no guarantee she will come back to you. If you think she's amazing and someone you could marry and live with forever, there's every chance someone else could feel like that about her too.

I'm not sure a break would work. I think it would become a breakup. If you slept with one of two of the women you work with while on this break that you took specifically so you could try sleep with them, how do you think your gf would feel about you going to work there everyday?

Either accept that this is what happens in long term relationships, or break up. A break might work, but it is likely to get messy and confusing for everyone involved.

LegacyUser

Same thing happened to me. Met my bf while young and dated for a few years. I gained confidence and started noticing others attention and realising I could try other guys. I suggested a break so I could 'sow my oats' though back then I think I gave some bull**** reason about just wanting to kiss someone else. Neither of us were as mature as we thought we could be. We patted ourselves on the back for being so grown up about it , we set down rules and discussed the whole thing. Once the break happened though it didn't matter for ****. Jealousy, hurt, rejection etc etc ..we turned what could've been a quick breakup into a drawn out year of headmelt. Fact is, my head was turned because I wasn't happy in my relationship. It might not be the case for you, but it became clear to me once we started.

Fact- you won't be ok with her sleeping with someone else, and neither will she, no matter how open/progressive ye are, I've never seen a single relationship where that worked without issue, especially when the relationship started monogamously (you have a chance if ye were always in an open relationship.)

Fact- yes you're brain can rationalise ye were on a break, your heart won't. That's a struggle you won't win. Yes it seems like a logical solution, I certainly thought it was and that it was perfectly ok to suggest it- it doesn't mean the other person is perfectly ok with being rejected like that.

Fact- casual sex is ****, I've heard that over and over from men and women alike. Yes its a part of growing up and it must be done in my opinion, but you'll grow tired of it.

Fact- none of this matters at all, you'll have to experience it yourself and will probably go ahead with it no matter what ppl say, because it's one thing hearing it and another knowing it. You're young, maybe too young for where ye are in your relationship. Just to warn you, you might never have what ye have now, it becomes a lot harder to meet someone after the early 20's as most are coupled up. But then again,you might meet someone better suited.

Green&Red

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Before you make any decisions, you should know two things:

1. Casual hookups and one night stands are really not all they’re cracked up to be. They are empty, boring experiences once you’ve done them more than a handful of times. The sex is usually mediocre and the lack of meaning or connection frustrating.

This, IMO, just isn’t true. It’s great craic being single, meeting new people, there’s a great buzz. The sex can be a mixed bag but that’s the way with any experience. It’s part of growing up and if you miss out on it then you’ll always wonder what you missed out on. Experience it and when you do decide to settle down you won’t feel like you missed out.

LegacyUser

Think long and hard on this, OP. If you suggest a break, you are going to hurt her a great deal and she may well break up with you permanently. I know if a boyfriend of mine suggested a break so he could go and f*ck other women I'd be telling to to pack his bags for good. No way would I tolerate such disrespectful behaviour. You want to have your cake and eat it? Sorry, relationships don't work that way. Not the good ones anyway.

If you want to be with other women then breakup properly and leave her move on to someone who might actually value her and their relationship. But don't insult her by coming crawling back once you've realised that meaningless sex with strangers isn't all it's cracked up to be and you've thrown away a relationship with someone you could see yourself marrying.

Perhaps subconsciously you really don't see a future with her and this is your way of sabotaging things?

Either break up completely or try to spice up the relationship you have. If you really care about her then you won't want to hurt her and treat her like crap by trying to walk both sides of the road.

GingerLily

Green&Red wrote: »

This, IMO, just isn’t true. It’s great craic being single, meeting new people, there’s a great buzz. The sex can be a mixed bag but that’s the way with any experience. It’s part of growing up and if you miss out on it then you’ll always wonder what you missed out on. Experience it and when you do decide to settle down you won’t feel like you missed out.

Settling down might be quite difficult for the OP though if they're OH/Ex has moved on, a good partner isn't disposible or easily replaced.

If the OP wants to be single for a while they need to understand what they're giving up, and that they might not get it back.

Please don't suggest a break to your OH, it's probably crueler to suggest that then just breaking up with her.

If you want to be a single man then I think you should, but sure you under stand the consequences.

TheBoyConor

If you want to sleep around then you can't expect your gf to just say, "oh right, that's fine. We will go on a break and you can chase and screw random girls for a month or two and then go back to being bf&gf" .

Are you crazy? Do you honestly expect that to work?

And while this proposed break is on, are you happy for her to go around riding random fellas of tinder? Or do you expect her to wait and remain chaste until you come back from your hoe phase?

Look there's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep around for the thrills of it. I will admit that I myself am on a bit of a ho-phase at the moment. But for gods sake don't be trying to fool your gf and yourself with this break nonsense. Just man up and tell her ye will be breaking up as that allows her to move on.

leggo

You're definitely not a horrible person OP, loads of people go through this, I did myself during my first relationship.

But you're getting dynamite advice here that I can personally attest to having lived all of what people are talking about. It's SO common: lads get attention from a couple of good-looking girls, break up their relationship and expect the world to be waiting for them with their legs open. Except the world is just...carrying on as it was before and that interest has dissipated. Those girls who seemed interested aren't even interested anymore because the fact that it seems you broke up your relationship for them comes across really intense and eager! As someone said, they were likely attracted to you because you gave off that confident glow of being secure in a relationship. The reactions when you say the exact same thing to someone with 'the want' in your eyes instead of that can vary wildly. And besides, why would they want a guy who'll ditch a girl he was with years because someone else looked their way? They'll just think "he'll do that to me too."

I'm not saying don't do it, you probably should as the thoughts aren't going to go away now. I'm just saying be realistic in your expectations. You haven't had that period of singledom where you've felt the confidence you feel now, so you're pretty new to the game and chances are you'll be bad at it at first. There are SO many pitfalls being single that you just can't prepare for and have to learn through experience. I've lived the cherished single, 'sow your wild oats' life and I'll confirm that yes it can be great craic at times, but it also pales in comparison to the reward you get from having a happy, fulfilling relationship. And while the highs are high, there's just as many weird Tinder dates you have to try forget ever happened and nights you come home feeling like **** because, for no particular reason, nobody even wanted to look you in the eye.

The break is an awful idea though, it won't work for the reasons people have outlined. You either have to break up and commit to that - where your girlfriend is just as likely to resent you for it, go out and find someone 'better' than you, as come back to you when you've both got a taste of the real world - or stay together. Because you've been together so long and don't know any other way of life at this stage, you might be able to get her to agree to trying it, but it'll go tits up in a very short time and likely cause irreparable hurt and damage to your relationship. If you break up and handle it maturely, you've a chance of reconcilement down the line at least. But the most likely outcome is that you'll both probably realise that the relationship just wasn't right or you wouldn't have these thoughts to begin with, it's just that nobody had done anything wrong to justify breaking up something that concrete. That happens and it's okay too.

zoobizoo

anonon8360 wrote: »

And am I best to sit down and have this conversation with my girlfriend?

No.


Your confidence is up because you're also going out with someone and aren't desperately looking for someone or giving off the "sad single" vibe.

As soon as you break up and are single again for any length of time, you might find that those offers start to dry up.... you're back on your own, single, without a nice partner to live your life with. But hey, you got the shag!

Unfortunately you're human, and worse still, you're male - so those urges will always be there.

If you can see yourself staying with this person forever, then do yourself a favour and say nothing and do nothing.

professore

It's a tough one OP. You are still very young for a guy, and getting to the prime age for a man in terms of female attention (25-35).

The way I see it is either you break up for good or, if you really feel that she is "the one" then you have to bury these feelings and live your life. I was in a similar boat in that I married quite young and thought my wife was the only one for me - and she's great, don't get me wrong - but over the years I've met 3 other women who I clicked with on all levels. I've never regretted it as such but sometimes wondered "what if" .... It's always a gamble, as you may discover she isn't who you thought she was 10 or 20 years down the line (as she might think about you - she might be horrified to hear you are thinking like this ... or maybe she is thinking the same thing ....), and feel you wasted an opportunity to enjoy the prime of your youth - but such is life. Personally I don't feel I did.

As others have said, I don't see a "break" working out.

I always think people saying one night stands aren't what they are cracked up to be is a bit like a rich person telling a poor person "money isn't everything" and "you get sick of it pretty quickly". While it might be true, it sounds hollow to the poor person.

If you are going to do it, now is the best time of your life to do it.

retro:electro

It’s rare when someone gets the “I need to sow my wild oats” feeling that they can shake it off. Maybe momentarily, but it usually resurfaces and down the line it can lead to resentment.
Just make sure that losing your girlfriend who you seem to be happily coupled with, who you describe as perfect and who helped you through your lowest ebb with is worth it for a few rides of the punani, because she sure as hell won’t be waiting around for you.

punisher5112

Everyone dreams, everyone thinks what if but if you love the girl your with then stand by that.

You may well never find another that you feel that way for again.

I wouldn't discuss what your dreaming of and be happy and care for each other.

Sonic Youth

Years ago I was in a very similar place to you op. Only my second real gf, everything going great and suddenly I notice other girls taking an interest in me. I resisted for awhile but when you're at a party and an extremely good looking young girl is desperate to get into your pants, what the hell are you supposed to do? Well I went for it.

As a man you are programmed to want to sleep with as many women as possible, hence you'll never hear a man regret casual sex.

Break up with the gf and go get some. Otherwise you'll end up living a double life like I did.

qwerty13

Like others, I don’t think it’s possible to “take a break” to shag other people. That’s a deal breaker. And it’s mutual. Not sure from your post if you’ve fully thought that if you take a break to shag others, your GF can/will too.

I’m afraid it’s time for a hard decision: split with your GF so that you can shag others, or forego that in order to stay with her. The problem as outlined on this thread is that once you’re thinking that way, re shagging others, it’s a bit of a red flag re your relationship. Maybe you got together a bit too young, but to me it sounds like you’re going to break up.

Sorry OP, that all sounds a bit harsh. But you can’t have your cake and eat it. I do understand that not having lived through the single stage at an age / confidence level will frustrate you, or cause you regrets. I don’t know if you can bury that in order to stay with your GF. Or if that would cause issues in the future

LegacyUser

No you're not a horrible person at all.
What you are, is human.
You have a pulse, you're always going to find yourself attracted to other people.
It's a complete fallacy to say you'll never notice anyone else just because you're in a relationship

dubstepper

I was in a similar situation at a similar age. I loved the person but my eye was being turned. We took a "break" that became permanent. She moved on after a while, which in fairness to her was 9 months later. How long was she going to wait for me to grow up?

That decision is one of my big regrets.

Dial Hard

Dfggv wrote:

No you're not a horrible person at all. What you are, is human. You have a pulse, you're always going to find yourself attracted to other people. It's a complete fallacy to say you'll never notice anyone else just because you're in a relationship

Yeah, but the real question is whether to act on it or not. The vast majority of people don't.

LegacyUser

OP I would urge caution. You describe your girlfriend of 4 years as fantastic and you love her. I’ve seen this too many times. One person in a relationship receives some attention from outside their relationship and they suddenly feel that they can do better for themselves. Interestingly I have found in the vast majority of cases that it’s their partner that is snapped up first and goes on to have a successful relationship and their left deeply regretting letting her/him get away.

I reckon it depends on what you want 4 years in to this relationship. Do you want someone to shag or are you looking for a potential life partner/mother of your children? The bar is a lot higher for the latter.

MartyMcFly84

I was in a similar position with a 5 year relationship that I had all through college. I went away for part of a Summer and college term and got lots of attention while away. But we kept the long distance thing going. She went off to Cardiff to do a masters and we kept the long distance thing going. However I did feel and I am sure she did that I was missing out.

We had a long talk one day, looking back I wasn't man enough to completely break up, but thought I wanted to go abroad again and she was looking for something more settled. After a little while of meeting up and still having sex she was approached by someone we both knew at a party and a little while later she started a relationship with him. I was completely devastated, I couldn't believe I let such a great person slip through my hands because I wanted to be able to go out and get attention and have one nighters. I tried to "get her back" but she had moved on.

It bothered me and saddened me for years after and I felt for the longest time she was the one who got away.

LegacyUser

I’d urge extreme caution here OP

I let the love of my life slip through my fingers in the same manner. We were together all through college and I decided to go off on a gap year with some mates.

When I can back we got together for a while but it was clear she deeply resented me leaving and she kept bringing up how many women I had slept with in the interim etc. We eventually broke up as it was clearly never going to work out.

JustJoe7240

Grass may not be greener wrote: »

OP I would urge caution. You describe your girlfriend of 4 years as fantastic and you love her. I’ve seen this too many times. One person in a relationship receives some attention from outside their relationship and they suddenly feel that they can do better for themselves. Interestingly I have found in the vast majority of cases that it’s their partner that is snapped up first and goes on to have a successful relationship and their left deeply regretting letting her/him get away.

I reckon it depends on what you want 4 years in to this relationship. Do you want someone to shag or are you looking for a potential life partner/mother of your children? The bar is a lot higher for the latter.

To be fair to the op, He hasn't even remotely suggested that he might do better?

I'd be inclined to agree with the majority of posters here, in saying that while what you're feeling is completely natural and not uncommon, it's whether you decide to act on it or not.

Someone raised a very good point earlier, You probably give an air of confidence now as you're not actually looking to get with anyone, Take that away and it might be a whole other story.

wiggle16

No, you are not a horrible person. But I think most people have already made that clear to you.

I've never known of a break that didn't go on to be a break up eventually, but that's just my experience. A break is usually something that happens while a couple are not getting on or are fighting a lot and need some serious distance from one another. If after four years with few problems you tell your girlfriend out of the blue that you want a break then you will end up with a break up. She thinks everything is fine and dandy. If I was with someone and perfectly happy and they then turned around and said they wanted a break, my trust in them and my own judgement would be shot. I'd always wonder "he looks happy and says he's happy, but is he really?" if I got back with them. Her confidence in you as a boyfriend will take a massive hit. It won't make your relationship any stronger, put it that way.

Big Bag of Chips pointed out that she will be free to sow her wild oats also, and that's something you need to give serious thought to, not to mention what her friends will be telling her in the meanwhile.

I'm not pointing out the above as reasons to stay with her. What I mean is that you need to have a serious think about what you want. There really isn't a happy medium here, you either stay in this relationship or you break up with her. A break is unlikely to work and in my opinion isn't fair to her under the circumstances (but that's just me). Myself, I think you'd be a fool to throw away what you have now for something that doesn't yet exist.

And just to say: take it from me, OP, your sex life as a single person will not be what you think it's going to be. I had more attention while with my ex than I'd ever had as a single person, I have no explanation for it whatsoever, (and it made me uncomfortable more than anything else) but the moment we broke up it was like I put a bag over my head. The attention you get from other people while in a relationship seems to dry up the instant you become available.

Have a serious think about what you really want. Good luck what ever you decide to do.

rainbowtrout

I'd echo what every one else is saying here. A friend of mine was in a long term relationship 5 or 6 years ago. The boyfriend comes home one day and tells her that he would like to break up for a year and sow his wild oats so to speak, but he would come back to her in a year. How magnanimous. So she told him she wasn't hanging around for a year waiting for the scraps, while he spent a year with any woman that would have him, and then decide if she was good enough cos there was nothing else out there. She moved on, met someone else, got married and has two children.

LegacyUser

dubstepper wrote: »

Can I ask do you still feel that way? Even though years later I married, there is that small part of me that probably will never be fully over it.

I broke up with my college sweetheart over 15 years ago for similar reasons to what the OP is proposing. We couldn’t make it work afterwards, it just wasn’t the same.

I love my current partner but my mind often wanders to my ex and what might have been. I don’t know if I still love her or if it’s just nostalgia. I was kicking myself for years afterwards and got really down about it at times. I think she did too, there is a real awkwardness even now when we bump in to each other.

Idle Passerby

I know a couple where the guy proposed a break to sow his oats before settling down, the girl agreed. Years later, he continues to have "mini breaks" whenever he feels like it. The girls self esteem is under the floor but she agreed to it in the first place so she feels she cant object, and in her eyes if she's not enough for her loving partner who else would want her anyway.

As others have said, if the urge is so strong you cant ignore it you might as well end the relationship and let every party move on with dignity.

Dial Hard

Dial Hard wrote: »

Yeah, but the real question is whether to act on it or not. The vast majority of people don't.

No, the real question is why people still believe in monogamy when it doesn't suit most people.

OP, you are young, live your life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not martyred away, imo.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

No, you're not a horrible person, being physically attracted to people other than your partner, worrying you've missed out when you've been in a committed relationship since a young age, these are natural human feelings. I'd also agree that "casual sex isn't great, you're not missing out" falls into the "money isn't important really" category of advice.

I've actually been through a very similar break up (got together early 20s, together 4 years) except I was the one being dumped and in fact several lads told me "I did the same thing and it was a big mistake, he's an idiot". I had thought they were just being nice to me but wow this thread. The advice I'm about to give might be a bit project-y and personalised, I'm sure someone will point it out if it is.

From my perspective, look, I got over it, I was in absolute pieces for about a year, and then I got over it and now I'm fine. If you feel like this is going to continue to bother you and you can't move past it, break up with her, do it properly and take your chances, but it's very likely to go as posters here have outlined.

The idea of taking a break though, no. If she's a mentally and emotionally healthy person then some thing of "ok, I'm going to break your heart and pull your world out from under your feet, go stick my dick in a few people real quick and then we'll pick things back up, because I really love you" is not going to fly.

Also in my case my ex, I'm sure thinking he was doing the right thing, jumped to reassure me we'd still be friends, talk all the time etc. That year would have been a lot less difficult for me if that hadn't been the case, and there would have been some sort of chance of us eventually regaining some sort of friendship (to be fair to him he was going through something traumatic at the time). If we run into each other we're friendly and have a chat, that's it. He reached out me to some months after I eventually asked him to stop contacting me, I reiterated not to contact me, when we ran into each other for the first time he asked me to go get coffee and catch up, I said no.

Anyways you don't need my life story, my point is you're not a horrible person for feeling like this, you won't be a horrible person if you break up with her over this, but you will be doing something which means she will most likely not be in your life in any real way, for the rest of your lives.

And if you decide not to break up with her, I'd also advise against opening up to her about your curiosity about other women and the fact you're getting attention. She probably has similar feelings and experiences, presumably you wouldn't want to hear about them.

rainbowtrout

[Deleted User] wrote: »

No, the real question is why people still believe in monogamy when it doesn't suit most people.

OP, you are young, live your life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not martyred away, imo.

He doesn’t have to martyr himself but be aware that if he splits with the girlfriend so see what else is out there that she mightn’t be waiting for him if he decides he wants her back

cannotlogin

Unfortunately this happens so often where an inexperienced person usually meets someone and usually grows significantly in confidence over the relationship.

They need start to notice the attention elsewhere as a result and the mind starts wondering and the far away grass appears greener.

Usually, the feeling cannot be shaken off and curiousity becomes too much. They dump the partner who found them attractive when no1 else did but realise the queue of alternative options they were expecting never really materalises.

Eventually, they realise they made a mistake and want to go back to the former partner who usually has moved on.

It happens, its predictable but it's a move most people make anyway for the exact same reasons as in your op.