Worried about friend

LegacyUser

Im really worried about my friend, he's very depressed and at breaking point with his situation that he's in, basically his partner is really selfish, she refuses to get a job but spends all of my friends money. She's very materialistic, her father pays everything for her, always has so she's never needed to work, she's claiming social welfare and on top of her dads money she's draining my friend dry financially, she has a life that most people with a full time job couldnt afford all the while my friend works 10 hour shifts 5 -6 days a week and has nothing to show for it, I work with him and know how stressful the job is, we're on our feet all day in a very stressful environment.

They have a joint bank account and she has it cleaned out it by the end of the week. They have children together which makes it harder for him to leave, she spoils the kids rotten with costly days out, new toys, clothes and whatever they want. My friend doesnt even have a car as his partner made him sell his, her dad bought her a new car so my friend doesnt have his name on anything, if they were to break up she would get everything, the house he pays for, the car and entitlement to a portion of his income, he'll be paying for her for the rest of his life. He has no family to go to, her on the other hand could live in a house owned by her father, its vacant and would be rent free.

She's obsessed with taking selfies and her self image, she plays the victim whenever she's called out on her behavior. She's pretty, not beautiful but attractive enough, big chest and anytime theyve broken up in the past she's dating again in no time at all, she's been seen on nights out with her friends getting it on with other men in night clubs, this stops him from leaving, he doesnt want to lose her as he knows she'll move on quick but I really think he's just blinded by how she looks, he has very low self esteem and doesnt think he'd find anyone like her, he cant see what everyone else sees, that she's a 30 something year old child that cant take her of herself and is a parasite to anyone around her.

Im concerned my friend will do something stupid. I dont know what to say to him. Any suggestions?

wiggle16

Note to OP:

As you are posting anonymously, your post is premoderated and won't show on the forum until a moderator has reviewed and approved it. There is no need to attempt to post multiple times.

Batgurl

Say nothing. If your friend wanted your help, he’d ask.

This is one of those situations where you can’t control someone, even if you think what they are doing is wrong.

If he is a real friend, all you can do is be there for him when the proverbial hits the fan.

nikkibikki

Maybe try get him to go to the doctor? He should be able to get treatment for depression and his low self esteem. There's medication and talk therapy options. He'll be able to think more clearly then.

LegacyUser

Original poster here.

Im in no way trying to control my friend or his situation, im just trying to be a supportive friend like anyone would be. Im not interfering in anything going on with him I just dont know what to say to him.

He cant go to the doctor or a counselor because 1. she controls the money, anytime he tries to spend money on himself she gives out to him, tells him they cant afford it and involves her dad who has words with my friend.

2. On his days off he's not allowed go anywhere by himself, she wants him with her or doing jobs around the house, he has to ask permission to use the car, cant really go anywhere without his girlfriend. He has started going out to see friends and his girlfriends not too happy about it.

Daisy78

What do you mean he is worried that he wouldn’t find someone like her again? She sounds awful, why would he want to find someone like that again?! I presume you mean looks but if that’s the only reason he is still with her then it’s kind of pathetic. I’m guessing that his wife has always been like this, it wasn’t that she changed over night? Only he can decide what he wants to do, either separate and come to an arrangement with his wife re money , accommodation and access to the children through mediation or he decides to stick with it and confront her properly, lay his cards on the table and spell out the consequences of her not changing her behavior. But that’s down to him, as an outsider all you can do is offer support by listening/talking about it.

Stacksofwacks

If it was my mate I would be suggesting him to run from this leech of a woman. It probably will get messy with the kids etc but that just sounds like a miserable existence what you've just described.

Gorgeousgeorge

He needs to do what the rest of us do. Start a little me fund as i call it.

Ursus Horribilis

If your friend is looking for help, point him in the direction of Amen http://www.amen.ie Preferably not on his own phone in case his partner has access to his call logs. He has to want to leave this relationship though and that is easier said than done.

Xterminator

Hi OP

Do you want to live your friends life for him? do you want a veto over his decisions as if he was considered incompetent?

I am going to assume the answer to both questions is no. So instead you need to allow him the freedom to do as he sees best. Life is for living, mistakes teach us, the experiences make us who we are.

If you tell him she is a b|tch and its not going to work out, you out a wedge between you. Bite your tongue.

Just be there for your friend when he needs you and dont give up on him. thats all you can do.

.......

The best thing you can do for your friend is be his friend and be supportive.

Does he actually complain about how he lives or are you making that judgement because YOU dont like how he lives (and wouldnt like it for yourself)?

Because really the advice completely differs depending on the above.

The_Honeybadger

If what you say is true then your friend is being emotionally and financially abused and needs to see it for himself. If he brings up her behavior again I would have no trouble pointing that out and telling him you are there if he needs anything.

All you can do is be supportive when it all blows up, and it will eventually.

Church on Tuesday

Batgurl wrote: »

Say nothing. If your friend wanted your help, he’d ask.

This is one of those situations where you can’t control someone, even if you think what they are doing is wrong.

If he is a real friend, all you can do is be there for him when the proverbial hits the fan.

And that will happen sometime soon I guarantee.

The minute something even better comes along she'll be gone.