Lying about your life

LegacyUser

I have a very bad problem with feeling shame about my life. Im in my late 30s, male, very few friends, in fact I see nobody but my family outside of work. I had extremely poor self esteem and needed 2 years of CBT back when I was 30 just to feel anyway normal again and it did help a huge amount but ive never been able to tackle this thing of pretending to others I have an interesting life and am social. I see people at work talking about nights out, meals, hitting the pubs, going on holidays with partners etc and it overwhelms me at times.

The shame and fear I feel when they look at me as if to say "what did YOU do with your weekend" or the excruciating silence from me as they describe their weekends is unbearable so I make up some story about going to a stag or painting the house, ANYTHING to stop the looks of pity or strangeness. I bit the bullet once and actually resolved to tell the truth about my holiday late last year, I believed the crap of people accepting you if you accept yourself. So I booked a 5 day trip to Europe with a tour group, I went alone and I did enjoy it but the shame of admitting I went alone scared me. And what happened when I told them at work? exactly what I feared- a look of pity, a brief look of puzzlement and polite nodding before the subject was moved on. As if, aw look at the loser, he has NOBODY to go on holiday with. I was brave and opened up and instead I got the quiet rejection I dreaded. I spent the whole evening in tears and misery and resolved never to tell the truth about my life again. People in partnerships just have NO idea how hard it is for singletons to find holiday mates etc.


I really am living a complete lie about my existence and as 40 looms I wonder can I ever face up to myself. Please give me some help as im in despair.

dellas1979

I do believe that the only way to find peace and happiness is to be happy in yourself.

And stop living for others.

Its exhausting. You need to figure out why other people's opinions are more important than yours and why its so easily breakable by a look or comment.

What's the worst that could happen? They think youre a looser? So what? The only way that that can hurt is if you think or believe youre a looser yourself. You can change how/what you think about yourself.

The way I think of it is I only get 1 shot at my life. And living on this planet.
Do you think am going to live by what other people think and "how someone looked at me" - no f'ing way!

The Black Oil

You might want to revisit those CBT tools to deal with your unhelpul thinking patterns.

I've been on a number of group holidays on my own, mostly cycling or camping with strangers. And lot of people are there without a partner or friends too. The craic has been immense. Plenty of people won't take the plunge and go on those sort of trips, though. It makes no odds to me how people view my going and believe me, this is outside of my comfort zone. The reaction of your colleagues says more about them. Or are you a closed book and not offering enough information to generate a conversation?

You might want to liven up your weekends now and then. I would recommend parkrun...even volunteering and coffee afterwards, it is a social activity and you'll meet all ages and abilities. You could walk it also. You need to do it more than once to give it a fair shot (incl volunteering and then people will get to know you).

zapper55

I go on a good few holidays myself. It's about embracing it. Yeah sure at the start colleagues were curious why I was going by myself but tbh I enjoyed solo hols so much they used to be a bit envious of the solo time I had. Most people just admitted to me that they wouldn't have the balls to go away by themselves.

This isnt about other people's reactions, it's about your view of yourself. I've a packed weekend this weekend so can't wait to chill next weekend. Completely by myself.

People pick up on your view of yourself. If you feel embarrassed they'll feel embarrassed for you. Keep going with the CBT and counselling and I hope you get to a point where none of this bothers you.

santana75

stopthelies2019 wrote: »

I bit the bullet once and actually resolved to tell the truth about my holiday late last year, I believed the crap of people accepting you if you accept yourself. So I booked a 5 day trip to Europe with a tour group, I went alone and I did enjoy it but the shame of admitting I went alone scared me. And what happened when I told them at work? exactly what I feared- a look of pity, a brief look of puzzlement and polite nodding before the subject was moved on. As if, aw look at the loser, he has NOBODY to go on holiday with. I was brave and opened up and instead I got the quiet rejection I dreaded. I spent the whole evening in tears and misery and resolved never to tell the truth about my life again. People in partnerships just have NO idea how hard it is for singletons to find holiday mates etc.

Op I think you are your own worst enemy here. This has absolutely nothing to do with your workmates or anyone else. And I know you dont believe that. I know you are 100% convinced that they quietly judged you and think you're this or that. But could you consider the possibility that this was something that merely reflected how you see yourself? That you are the one whos actually doing the judging nobody else. And if this is true, that you are the one creating your own suffering, then its also true that you are the one who can bring a stop to it. People who love and accept themselves do not think like this. Put a person who accepts themselves, in the exact same situation you were in telling their workmates about their holiday, getting the same reaction you got, and that person would see it from a completely different perspective. That person wouldnt see their reaction as a reflection of them. You have power over your life to make it what you want. You can make good friends and do whatever you want, but first you absolutely have to develop a relationship with yourself, in every way. And I know thats not what you want to hear, because its not such a linear, clearly defined thing, to love and accept yourself. Its messy, its murky and painful. But you will always be your own worst enemy until you start to do this. Theres an old afraican proverb: If theres no enemy within the enemy without can do you no harm.

Ursus Horribilis

There is no living person on this planet who could possibly be crueller to you than you are to yourself. It's saddening to read how you talk about yourself and how little you think of yourself. I think as your first port of call, you should go back and do more CBT. You absolutely have to get all that negativity out of your mind. Your self-loathing has to stop now.

I doubt your colleagues are really all that interested in what you do at weekends. And as someone who's around the same age as you, I can assure you that most people of our age aren't leading exciting lives at the weekends. Even the singletons who haven't got children under their roof. I think your mind goes into paranoid overdrive when asked about your weekends. I doubt anybody apart from you thinks you are a loser.

If you think back to that holiday you took, were you really the only single person on it? I find it hard to believe that you were. Did you judge the other singletons on the trip? Were they all losers too? If not, why are you the loser and not them?

lawred2

<SNIP>

Sorry to read all that.

Are you sure you didn't misinterpret their reaction to you telling them that you went away on your own? I fear that it was your own misplaced panic and awkwardness of telling them that you went away on your own that made them feel awkward.

Traveling alone is not unusual and people do it all the time. I can guarantee you that I've never considered anyone a loser for traveling alone. The opposite in fact. I think it shows confidence in oneself to do that.

The fact that you went away on your own and you say had a good time is a great thing. Not something to be ashamed of at all.

I think you need to speak to a professional

lawred2

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

There is no living person on this planet who could possibly be crueller to you than you are to yourself. It's saddening to read how you talk about yourself and how little you think of yourself. I think as your first port of call, you should go back and do more CBT. You absolutely have to get all that negativity out of your mind. Your self-loathing has to stop now.

I doubt your colleagues are really all that interested in what you do at weekends. And as someone who's around the same age as you, I can assure you that most people of our age aren't leading exciting lives at the weekends. Even the singletons who haven't got children under their roof. I think your mind goes into paranoid overdrive when asked about your weekends. I doubt anybody apart from you thinks you are a loser.

If you think back to that holiday you took, were you really the only single person on it? I find it hard to believe that you were. Did you judge the other singletons on the trip? Were they all losers too? If not, why are you the loser and not them?

I can 100% attest to my weekends being nothing but child minding, nappies, trips to the park and 7pm bedtime routines.

Wild altogether

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.

Single female here around same age as yourself.
I find myself single now after the breakdown of a longterm relationship and my child is almost reared.
Most of my peers now are with a +1 and a few small children so I can relate to you in having a limited number of people to call upon for a night out or trip away.
However I do feel that a few of my peers might be envious sometimes (as I was when I was home with a small baby) that I don't have to be up at 7am on Sunday mornings or that I have the option of going on solo trips (which I do). You might have misinterpreted your colleagues reaction. They might be longing for a free weekend without the OH and the opportunity to head off alone and enjoy being anonymous.
It's actually quite hip at the moment to do solo travel.
Definitely revisit the CBT.
It seems to me that the negativity is your own and that you need to work a bit more on your own esteem.
Book another tour and enjoy it!

odyssey06

The big question is whether you are happy or unhappy in yourself, forget about what anyone else thinks of what you are doing.

Also you gotta figure out who you want to be honest with and that if you are just making small talk occasional white lies are a social necessity.

SirChenjin

odyssey06 wrote: »

The big question is whether you are happy or unhappy in yourself, forget about what anyone else thinks of what you are doing.

Also you gotta figure out who you want to be honest with and that if you are just making small talk occasional white lies are a social necessity.

+1.

Chit chat at work is just about being polite. You are not close to any of these people. That's the way a lot of workplaces are, so a white lie here or there makes no difference either way.

I genuinely don't think for a minute that the others were in any way pitying. It was a good holiday and you enjoyed it, that's what matters, not what anyone else might think anyway.

As others have said you are far too harsh on yourself. My advice would be to start by working on that, possibly through CBT which you have found helpful before.
As soon as you feel the negative self-talk starting, stop it in its tracks.

And remember most people put on a bit of a front at work, so don't feel bad about that.

Starkystark

Hi OP

I myself could have wrote the exact same post a few years ago. My self worth was non existent. I constantly compared myself to others. It came to a head, and I went to see a counsellor.

It really was the best thing I have ever done. We explored why I felt so negatively about myself and why I wasn’t comfortable with portraying to people how my life actually was. It removed layers of burden from me. I learned a lot about myself and through this I have no hesitation about saying how it is - whether it be I sat at home for the whole weekend or I went Kayaking on my own with a group of strangers.

I remember one really stand out moment, was when I told my work collegues I went to the cinema and out for dinner on my own - and I remember one being comepletely in awe of me being able to do that and saying that she’d never be able to do that. So maybe think about it that way? Maybe those faces of pity that you get aren’t actually faces of pity?

I also learned that the more I valued myself, the more confident I got with making plans and actually getting out and about. The more secure i felt in myself.

Security in yourself is everything. Hope this helps.

retro:electro

Op, “what did you do at the weekend” is for the most part an empty question that most don’t even listen for the answer. Boring weekends vegged out in front of the tv are vastly underappreciated. I guarantee you most of your colleagues’ weekends consist of a few beers in front of the tv while scratching their arse. This seems to be mostly a confidence issue, and feeling inadequate and that you don’t measure up. I’d wager most of these “looks” you’re getting are either in your head, greatly exaggerated on your behalf or maybe they’re wondering why you’re being so awkward about a fairly innocuous question.

Sorry about that

Hi Op, sounds like such a stressful frame of mind for you at the moment.

Remind yourself that people are most interested in themselves and their own lives. You have no idea what they are thinking, and are most likely not thinking anything about you at all. You are tormenting yourself guessing at private thoughts that aren't yours. Is it possible that you're attributing your own feelings about yourself, onto others?

A good counsellor may help you address what is causing your low self esteem; as long as this continues, you will feel "not good enough". As for not being social, if that's your preference, great, if not, some form of sports activity can be a great social and mental health booster as a first step.
Best of luck.

Johnson_76

It's funny you should say that. I lived a life of debauchery and I used to lie about what I did at the weekend too. I didn't want to say I sniffed coke from my knuckles while waiting for the early house to open on Saturday morning after partying all Friday.

I longed to be able to say. I took it handy , went for a run, and watched TV, and actually mean it


I think everyone has insecurities. Try not be so hard on yourself. Best of luck OP

witchgirl26

OP I'm going to be honest here - people find it odd when people go on holidays alone. I did a weekend or two away by myself before and god the questions from people about it were mad. Part of it is that they would never think to do it themselves, safety in numbers and all that. Whereas it's quite independent to go by yourself on a trip. Ignore them! And flip their judgement (if they were being judgy). My OH went on a 3 week trip by himself as it was something he wanted to do and didn't suit anyone he knew to go too. Same with me & the trips away I did. And we both loved them. As for the holiday mates - feck that. If you want to go somewhere, go. I did this before and during my relationship. And trust me, in partnerships it's not always as easy as myself and my OH have very different ideas for holidays so sometimes easier to go on our own!

Instead of feeling like you have to lie about what you did at the weekend, why not do some things for yourself at the weekend. If you want to stay at home and play computer games all weekend, do it! And own it! That's your choice and if you're happy doing it than flip the others! They're work colleagues.

Berserker

stopthelies2019 wrote: »

So I booked a 5 day trip to Europe with a tour group, I went alone and I did enjoy it but the shame of admitting I went alone scared me. And what happened when I told them at work? exactly what I feared- a look of pity, a brief look of puzzlement and polite nodding before the subject was moved on. As if, aw look at the loser, he has NOBODY to go on holiday with.

You booked a holiday and you enjoyed it. I doubt that anyone looked at you as a loser for going away on your own. That's in your own head. Some or even most would probably envy you for being able to go away on your own and do your own thing. Your colleagues are lying about their super interesting weekends, I'd put money on that.

.......

OP - telling lies about your life is a very self destructive behaviour. I cannot imagine how stressful you must find it always worrying that you are going to get caught out in a lie on top of worrying that you dont have anything interesting to say.

And its totally unnecessary. People dont care what you did over the weekend - they really dont. I frequently just say "nothing, cleaned the house and did the grocery shop" and no one cares.

People are too wrapped up in their own lives to be worrying about what you are doing in yours.

Rubberchikken

as someone whos too lazy and tired, after night work/dog walk/house stuff, i admit to doing nothibg in my very spare time. and ive no shane in admitying it.
most people genuinely dont mind what others are doing outside work.
questions asked are often done out of politeness or habit or even just for something to say.
ypu owe no-one nothing. if you want to do things in yoyr spare time then good. if you dont thats fine too.

youve gone on solo holidays and enjoyed them. other peoples opinions of your holiday mustnt affect you.
its your life. there's no shame to be felt.

goid luck

zoobizoo

stopthelies2019 wrote: »

resolved to tell the truth about my holiday late last year, I believed the crap of people accepting you if you accept yourself. ....... I went alone and I did enjoy it but the shame of admitting I went alone scared me. And what happened when I told them at work? exactly what I feared- a look of pity, a brief look of puzzlement and polite nodding before the subject was moved on.

Here's the thing... or a couple of things.

I doubt that they took pity on you - I'd say any and all of those who have kids would have been viewing this with envy.

The only ones who would have thought it odd are those who have never done anything like it...

I took up a sporty hobby and went on about 3 holidays to Europe on my own. The reason why I took up the hobby was because my friends were all hooked up or had no interest in doing anything at weekends other than drinking. I got tired of asking my friends to do something different on weekends.

I have only ever been on 2 holidays ever with friends - I travelled many times on my own and have never felt judged by anyone. There might be a "I can't believe you;re going there" but never a "I pity him that he has no-one to travel with".

It could be the self full filling prophecy that when they ask, you say it in such a way as to sound a bit lonely rather than happily independent.

And if people are moving on from a conversation then it could be the way you tell your travel tales, or that they aren't the type who are interested in travel stories OR they might be the type who can't talk about things they don't understand.

A friend told me recently that she was going on another solo trip with a group. I didn't pity her, I understood that she wanted to travel with others, similar to yourself.


Don't make things up for the sake of it otherwise you'll be under pressure to lie (and people can tell), you'll be under pressure to cover up your lies (and people can tell) and you'll end up feeling more shame.

Unanimous

I have been there before and permit me to tell you that it's all in your head.
You are afraid of being called or seen as weird.
I have a few friends who travel alone and everyone says "how can you travel alone!?" And they just laugh and say "it's fun, you meet new people bla bla bla" they are not afraid to be themselves.
I don't do much for my weekends too. I rest! I only do stuff once in a while.
Please don't be afraid of being yourself. Everyone feels it to so it's all in our heads.
I used to be afraid of doing things myself (being friends with some people, dating some type of guys, not drinking when I know I don't enjoy it)
Now I don't care. When I told my close friends who I was dating they tried to discourage me.
When I go home early on work nights out cos I don't drink, people look at me weird.
But guess what? I am happy and no one can take that away from me.
Don't lie to anyone. Tell them what you did and if they dare disrespect, tell them (well I had fun and I liked it... what did you do?)
No need to feel funny cos people are doing crazy things and you are not.
As long as you are all happy

ChrissieH

Agree completely with all that's been said so there's no need to say it again, the only thing I wanted to suggest that's a bit different to what some others have said is regarding your counselling; I don't know if CBT is even necessary for this kind of thing, I would think that straightforward psychotherapy / talking might be a good option; figuring out why you are the way you are is SO enlightening and liberating.

And for the record, I've been in relationships for the past 16 years straight and since I hit my 40s, I spend most of my weekends doing nothing, and LOVING it!! So there's definitely no expectation or pressure to be doing outrageously interesting stuff all the time.

I really hope you consider attending therapy because I think that it would really benefit you.

Bobtheman

look- you are great. You can go on holiday on your own. People run about seeking approval ? Why ? We think we know each other but we don't. It's on the surface bull. You are not a puppet on a string but you want these strings?! Be your own man.
Read a book Anthony De Mello awareness
Remember why chase approval from people? Even best friends only know the half of us