Engagement advice

barrycon85

Hi,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for just over 3 years. She’s 31 and I’m 32. I have intended to get engaged to her for the past 5 months. I have a temporary ring bought and intended to book a weekend away somewhere for us and I was going to pop the question and if she said yes then hopefully go ring shopping.

The problem is the company I work for had massive financial issues which meant we went unpaid for nearly 5 months, just the worst timing ever. We were assured we would receive our salaries but then just before Christmas the company went under leaving us without wages since the middle of August.

I really want to get engaged to this woman, and although she’s never said it to me directly I know she wants to get married and have children before her mid 30’s so I want to be fair to her and not put it off any longer either. The problem is right now couldn’t be a worse time

I have sought legal advice regarding my ex employer (which is also an expense) but that is looking like lost money. I’ve had rent of €700 a month on top of everything else and no money coming in. I’ve hit my savings very hard and I’m just worried if I get engaged I’ll be putting real financial strain on myself. I want to do things right and don’t want her to be embarrassed because we’ve had to b cheap with the engagement. I know I’ll get some work and be back in employment again within the next couple of months but I don’t know what my salary will be like as I’ll probably have to start within a different career so I’m not sure when I’ll be earning enough to start saving again.

I suppose what I’m wondering is what are the hidden costs with an engagement? How long before you need to buy the actual ring etc? For anyone that’s been there before what did it cost them roughly? For the record my girlfriend is not high maintenance and isn’t demanding or in any way hard to please( I know lucky me right!). I just want to make it special. Any advice or help would be great

zoobizoo

I'm married 3 years. Got engaged when I was unemployed after closing a failing business.

Never bought a ring... Cost of engagement: €0

What's more important - an expensive ring or for her to get engaged?

BTW I do get comments from my wife but as I say to her, when i can afford a few thousand on a ring, I'll buy one... but the priority is house, child, bills.

Make the engagement special (the setting and the sentiment).

barrycon85

zoobizoo wrote: »

I'm married 3 years. Got engaged when I was unemployed after closing a failing business.

Never bought a ring... Cost of engagement: €0

What's more important - an expensive ring or for her to get engaged?

BTW I do get comments from my wife but as I say to her, when i can afford a few thousand on a ring, I'll buy one... but the priority is house, child, bills.

Make the engagement special (the setting and the sentiment).

Thank you for your honest response. It’s very helpful.

I know the ring won’t be an issue but her family and friends are all married and would have gotten an actual ring, I completely agree with your priorities and I feel she would too but at the same time I don’t want her to feel like her friends are judging her. I’d feel responsible.

Other than that, is a night away and a very expensive meal the norm? Again like your wife she’s not fussy and wouldn’t expect anything but I’m a complete novice here and don’t want to leave out something that might make the whole thing less special.

GBX

Solid advice above.
Recently engaged myself. I had roses and champagne and asked at home. I knew she wouldn't like it in say a restaurant/pub. But we did go somewhere romantic after.
I dont see any hidden costs in engagements. Its all about what you want - Not what anybody else did. Try and get a vibe on whether she would be happy to have you down on one knee in public or in private? Some people hate attention and may be panicked if there are lots around to witness. Where others would love the whole idea of it being in front of 10s/100s of people.

barrycon85

GBX wrote: »

Solid advice above.
Recently engaged myself. I had roses and champagne and asked at home. I knew she wouldn't like it in say a restaurant/pub. But we did go somewhere romantic after.
I dont see any hidden costs in engagements. Its all about what you want - Not what anybody else did. Try and get a vibe on whether she would be happy to have you down on one knee in public or in private? Some people hate attention and may be panicked if there are lots around to witness. Where others would love the whole idea of it being in front of 10s/100s of people.

Thank you. She would like it in private or at least reasonably private and definitely not in front of a full restaurant.

I was thinking dinner, and maybe bring some champagne with me for after it. I’m just not sure if booking an expensive hotel would be seen as the done thing or not.

GBX

barrycon85 wrote: »

Thank you. She would like it in private or at least reasonably private and definitely not in front of a full restaurant.

I was thinking dinner, and maybe bring some champagne with me for after it. I’m just not sure if booking an expensive hotel would be seen as the done thing or not.

I wouldnt look it as her friends judging her. They should be happy for her if she is engaged to somebody she loves.

As for the expensive hotel, surely if she is aware of the work/wage situation she wouldnt expect it. Even if it was a night away somewhere. Dont focus on the expense. Dont be putting too much of a financial strain on yourself.

Issac

I booked a night at a nice hotel away. When we were driving there I brought my now wife to a really nice picturesque place that I thought she would like.
I asked a stranger that was passing to take a photo of us and as she was getting ready to smile, I dropped on the knee and asked her to marry me. We now have the moment captured on camera and it's lovely to have. Not too many people around and the place now holds a special meaning to us.
Afterwards we headed to the hotel where they were waiting with a chilled bottle of bubbly for us. It was lovely!

I didn't have any kind of ring at all but a couple of months later we went and got a ring made by a jeweller, which ended up being much cheaper than buying in a high street shop.
Best of luck!

aquinn

barrycon85 wrote: »

Hi,

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for just over 3 years. She’s 31 and I’m 32. I have intended to get engaged to her for the past 5 months. I have a temporary ring bought and intended to book a weekend away somewhere for us and I was going to pop the question and if she said yes then hopefully go ring shopping.

The problem is the company I work for had massive financial issues which meant we went unpaid for nearly 5 months, just the worst timing ever. We were assured we would receive our salaries but then just before Christmas the company went under leaving us without wages since the middle of August.

I really want to get engaged to this woman, and although she’s never said it to me directly I know she wants to get married and have children before her mid 30’s so I want to be fair to her and not put it off any longer either. The problem is right now couldn’t be a worse time

I have sought legal advice regarding my ex employer (which is also an expense) but that is looking like lost money. I’ve had rent of €700 a month on top of everything else and no money coming in. I’ve hit my savings very hard and I’m just worried if I get engaged I’ll be putting real financial strain on myself. I want to do things right and don’t want her to be embarrassed because we’ve had to b cheap with the engagement. I know I’ll get some work and be back in employment again within the next couple of months but I don’t know what my salary will be like as I’ll probably have to start within a different career so I’m not sure when I’ll be earning enough to start saving again.

I suppose what I’m wondering is what are the hidden costs with an engagement? How long before you need to buy the actual ring etc? For anyone that’s been there before what did it cost them roughly? For the record my girlfriend is not high maintenance and isn’t demanding or in any way hard to please( I know lucky me right!). I just want to make it special. Any advice or help would be great

Ah OP,

Congratulations on your impending engagement. that's so sweet.

You seem to be handling the work situation really well, fair play to you. I hope it works out.

My advice would be to take her out on a lovely day like this, go for a walk and propose. Keep it simple. Either explain then or beforehand all of the above, that you do love her and want to marry and have a Family with her but that you can't afford a ring at this time.

Some people have a token ring for a day, some weeks. There is no timeframe. No explanation to Family or friends necessary and no one will be judging you, well I sincerly hope not. An expensive restaurant is not necessary. A nice meal possibly to celebrate. All the expense doesn't have to be on you either. She's a grown woman too with wages.

I want to wish you both all the very best.

Cakerbaker

My husband asked me after a night out (he’d been planning a while but couldn’t figure out what to do, the Dutch courage helped). To me it doesn’t mean any less than if it had been a fancy weekend away and people we told got a laugh out of it. We did go for a nice meal the day we went looking at rings (and I don’t mean michelan Star, just a nice restaurant in Dublin). iA few people I know proposed / were proposed to on beaches, in a quiet spot, and had a bottle of champagne waiting at home. To me something cheap and thoughtful would mean more than something expensive for the sake of it.

baby and crumble

Please stop worrying about 'the done thing'. Really.

I proposed to my wife with an engagement ring charm for her charm bracelet. We went to a place that was important to us, and I proposed there. I was a student at the time with no money whatsoever. It didn't matter. It was about the commitment. There were practical reasons she couldn't really wear an actual ring (she wasn't out to members of her family, and anyway I proposed before there was marriage equality, just civil partnership and we knew we'd be waiting for true marriage) but she understood.

We didn't buy an actual engagement ring anyway - I was hesitant to spend crazy money when we were buying a house and then trying to afford a wedding. As it happens, when we announced it to family, her family very kindly and beautifully gave us her grandmothers ring, so it has sentimental value more than monetary. TBH my engagement ring cost more and even that we got on a half price sale which I won't lie, I was DELIGHTED with! :pac:

What I'm trying to say is, this notion of what you "have" to do is such nonsense. You said your GF is chill and wouldn't be expecting anything crazy - especially given the financial strain you've been under. If she's nice, which I'm sure she is, she'd be raging at you spending mad money on something like that. When we told people we'd gotten engaged the first comment was 'oh my god congratulations!' along with 'tell us the story'. Nobody, after hearing my story said ' well that was crap, why didn't you do x, y, z'. Whenever I hear an engagement story most of the time I'm just thinking 'awww, sweet. they love each other'. TBH the best stories and the cutest and sweetest ones are when something is unusual. Everyone does the meal and fancy hotel room thing.

99% of people will remember the emotions and the memories rather than "oh yeah he spent loads on a hotel room". You want to make it special? Then be creative with the proposal, and be honest to who you both are. Make her a photo album of your time together, and finish the last page with a photo of her ring in a box. Look at it together. Or make a tent in your sitting room out of your sofa and sheets and have a floor picnic. An engagement, just like a wedding, can cost as little or as much as you want it to. But your marriage will have the same amazing highs and (honestly) searing lows as anyone.

Loveinapril

Do not put yourself under any more financial stress, I am sure your girlfriend wouldn't appreciate it. My husband proposed in the car where we first met, I was in a hoody and pj bottoms and it was perfect. We didn't have money and both like original things so went with an antique ring that cost a fraction of the cost of a similar new ring.

Bring your girlfriend to a meaningful place like where you first met/ kissed/ fell in love. To me that would mean more than some hotel where proposals happen every weekend and it is special to you.

liquoriceall

My girlfriend proposed to me when we were walking the dog in the park! I went later and picked out my own ring but checked if she was happy with it. Spending lots of money on a ring was not a priority as we are saving for house etc

johny33

bought a ring on ebay for 3.25 with shipping. married for 5 years, she still wears it

zoobizoo

I proposed in my boxer shorts... do not do that.

Wear trousers!

wench

If you're at the right point in your relationship to get engaged, go for it.
Don't put your life on hold over a shiny rock.

amber2

Maybe a nice promise ring until your financially in a position to afford a ring and you also get the option of letting your fiancé to be Choose an engagement ring she likes when the time is right.

https://www.fields.ie/sterling-silver-cubic-zirconia-three-stone-promise-ring.html

Just spotted you have a temporary ring bought apologies, nothing else needed I am sure she will be delighted with the proposal, all the best in your future together and on the job front.

Loveinapril

amber2 wrote: »

Maybe a nice promise ring until your financially in a position to afford a ring and you also get the option of letting your fiancé to be Choose an engagement ring she likes when the time is right.

https://www.fields.ie/sterling-silver-cubic-zirconia-three-stone-promise-ring.html

The problem with a ring like that is it looks like an engagement ring so he will have to tell her it's not the 'real thing' and she in turn will have to tell people it is just a holding space. I think you are better getting nothing or a bracelet or necklace that she can wear even when she gets the ring.

.......

I have 2 pieces of advice.

1. If a company doesnt pay you, on the second payday it happens - leave. Im not sure Id make it a week past the first payday tbh but there is no way they would fool me twice.

2. My husband spent loads of money on my engagement ring and I really wish he hadnt. At the time we both had plenty of money and it seemed really exciting but now, I dont wear it (I am not a jewellery wearer) and it just sits locked away at home unworn. If, at the time we got engaged, he was strapped for cash, I would have been delighted with a less expensive ring. So dont be worrying about the price of the ring. She loves YOU, not your potential to buy a fancy ring.

eviltwin

We got engaged at home watching tv and i don't wear a ring so you don't need money to get engaged.

Personally I'd be wary of marrying someone who puts big gestures and saving face ahead of practical issues like sorting out your financial situation

You can get a ring at anytime

baby and crumble

Here's the thing.

The whole point of engagement rings needing to be expensive was because it was basically a downpayment on fidelity (that and marketing from Debeers!). Most women saw the engagement ring as a kind of 'emergency fund' - when married women couldn't work it was a way for them to be able to escape a terrible marriage, if they could, or if they were happy and their husband died, they could sell the ring to keep their children etc safe. Now, that whole thing is irrelevant.

There is literally no reason to have an expensive ring. It really winds me up when I hear people saying 'I have to spend €5000 on a ring'. No. No you don't. I'd wager most people wouldn't be able to tell a silver and cubic ziconia ring from a while gold and diamond one. So what's the point?

Sorry, I get very exercised about this topic. :pac:

ChrissieH

Agree baby and crumble - my ring is cubic zirconia and I swear, it gets SO many compliments from random people who see it, and I absolutely adore it. I chose it myself, naturally :-D

OP - I think everyone here has the same attitude and advice, so it's up to yourself now if you feel that you "should" be doing x, y or z when you propose, then that's clearly your own desire and it's not what's expected of you, so whatever floats your boat.

For the record, I have to say - and I could get shot down here - I don't know a single woman who wants a public proposal. I only know of 1 where it happened in a restaurant and she was morto. Hollywood has a lot to answer for!! :-D
I also, personally, don't know any women who specifically want an expensive ring; yes, it probably does flit across most peoples' minds when we think of engagement rings but as baby and crumble also said, that's down to years of conditioning and marketing.
I don't know what your future wife does for a living, but there are many women who can't even wear their rings to work for one reason or another, and they do indeed get left in a drawer at home, as a previous poster said.

You know your girlfriend better than anyone, so my advice is to make it special in the way that SHE would like; do whatever she loves doing - cinema, walk, night in a hotel, whatever it is and propose to her with your temporary ring, or none at all.. it's genuinely not the ring or the location that's the most important part of this. It's the romantic intent behind your gesture, honestly!
Best of luck!
And I hope your employment situation improves too btw.
If you are going to go ahead with a wedding in the near future, that, unfortunately, is quite expensive but it's achievable, so don't let your temporary current situation deter you from the bigger picture!

JustMe,K

I know people who have proposed/been proposed to in all sorts of ways, which were right for them.

You know you, and you know your girlfriend, and you should know both of you well enough to know what will work for you both. Personally, if my boyfriend was out of work and held off proposing because he had some notion that there was a standard to meet for a ring or type of proposal, I would be quite upset. You say your girlfriend is not high maintenance, you have your temporary ring bought, just go for it! You can ask her to marry you without producing a ring at all, then when she says yes give her the temporary ring - she might just love it and not want another!

woodchuck

barrycon85 wrote: »

Other than that, is a night away and a very expensive meal the norm?

Whatever about a ring, I don't think a night away and expensive meal is the norm! I wouldn't worry about that end of things at all. You can make it special without spending any money, you just have to use your imagination a little bit depending on what suits you as a couple.

BlondeBomb

As others have said, if she’s as you describe she will much prefer something simple.

Maybe recreate your first date or bring her to a spot she likes and propose there.

It will be worth more when she tells her friends / family rather than the standard boring done a million times hotel / nice meal.

Also, as already said too, majority of people haven’t a notion of jewellery, it’s worth or style so I wouldn’t worry too much about that either.

Good luck with it! Hope everything goes well on the job front too.

barrycon85

Thank you everyone for all the messages. They’re honestly so helpful and reassuring. I was of that opinion myself, I don’t want to put our lives on hold at the minute because of my financial uncertainty.

I have a great spot to propose in mind, I think she’ll like it. I’m just deciding on whether I should book a hotel and meal or not.

Again thank you everyone, it’s peoples honest opinions that make boards such a great space

Humour Me

Sure look at Prince Harry, he proposed at home while cooking a chicken dinner

stargazer 68

Humour Me wrote: »

Sure look at Prince Harry, he proposed at home while cooking a chicken dinner

My husband proposed to me when we were watching the late late! Got down on one knee and me not paying attention told him to get out of my way so I could see the TV!

witchgirl26

Loveinapril wrote: »

The problem with a ring like that is it looks like an engagement ring so he will have to tell her it's not the 'real thing' and she in turn will have to tell people it is just a holding space. I think you are better getting nothing or a bracelet or necklace that she can wear even when she gets the ring.

I don't agree with this. I was proposed to with a ring (ruby on it instead of diamond). My OH picked a lovely one that he knew I'd like no matter what but did say that he was getting me a "proper" engagement ring. There was no issue at all for me & I barely mentioned that it was a token ring. People presumed it was as that is mostly done. Didn't get my real ring for another 5 months. I preferred being proposed to with a ring than with nothing.

barrycon85 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for all the messages. They’re honestly so helpful and reassuring. I was of that opinion myself, I don’t want to put our lives on hold at the minute because of my financial uncertainty.

I have a great spot to propose in mind, I think she’ll like it. I’m just deciding on whether I should book a hotel and meal or not.

Again thank you everyone, it’s peoples honest opinions that make boards such a great space

If you can't afford the hotel and meal at the moment, then don't put yourself under pressure for it. Maybe have something at home like her favourite dinner ready to go on after you get back from where you propose.

We went out for dinner after getting engaged but it wasn't a pricey meal (we were away but for a diff reason) - more like a pub restaurant. It was great. But it's not the meal I remember or where we stayed but rather where he popped the question.