I'm so lost, ex relationship help

LegacyUser

I need help and I know I will be judged for this post, but I really need help and don't have anyone to talk to. I am afraid of becoming majorly depressed again and I can feel it building, so I just have to get it off my chest.

I will start by saying I am ashamed of myself, I have been living with huge guilt for the last 15 years of my life and I take none of what I am about to say lightly.

I was in a relationship with a married man, which started 15 years ago, and officially ended after 4 years together. I worked for him, he was older than me. I wish I could blame being very young and naive at the time, but I don't use that as an excuse. It started as a friendship, we used to chat and laugh and it was all very easy. That led to kissing, and the both of us calling it off at various times as we knew what we were doing was wrong. He was unlike any other man I had ever met, he was shy and sensitive, he had only ever slept with one woman, his wife. We didn't just jump into bed with one another, we waited about 1.5 years before anything like that happened.

But once that did happen, we were completely in love and our happiness was all about seeing one another. He was so torn because he wanted to be a good man, but he loved me and said he had never felt love like it. He had huge financial commitments all tied up with his wife, between their home and the business. But eventually, he built up the courage to tell her that he had to leave, he couldn't live like that anymore. She threatened him with taking everything, moving their children abroad so that he would never see them again. He ended up having a mental breakdown and being unable to cope or leave. I found out about this when his wife came to tell me to leave and never come back. I then had a mental breakdown and ended up on medication for 7 subsequent years. He is still on medication and sees a psychiatrist to this day.

I will never forgive myself for what I have done to his wife, I never wanted to hurt her, but I still loved him. We should have stopped seeing each other altogether but we would occasionally meet to talk and cry. Nothing physical ever happened but seeing eachother was a light in an otherwise very dark existence.

After so many years waiting for him to leave, I told myself that I needed to be happy away from him and to cut communication. So I started seeing an amazing man about 4 years ago. We bought a house, got engaged and got married and he is someone I love deeply. I couldn't have asked for anyone better. We are currently considering starting a family. My ex kept his distance, he wanted me to be happy but said he would always love me. I told myself I didn't love him anymore, that I cared about him, but it wasn't love.

That is, until I bumped into him a few weeks before Christmas. We talked and it was so lovely and felt like we were picking up where we left off. We talked for about 2 hours, at the end, we hugged, which led to a kiss on the lips and we said our goodbyes. Except now, I can't stop thinking about him. We met up one more time after that and it made me realise I do still love him. He is still tied up financially, that upsets and frustrates him. He told me after that time that he couldn't do this all again, it hurts too much and that he hadn't been able to stop crying. He told me he loves me, always will but to concentrate on my new family and asked me not to contact him again, which has torn me up inside.

I don't know what to do here, I love my husband but why can't I get my ex out of my head. I don't want to be this person. My husband deserves better than this.

LegacyUser

I can identify with your story as I have a similar story with a married man. I thought I was hopelessly in love with him, that I was the only person who 'got him', and that we had this true love. I was an idiot.

However then I saw the truth. First of all, you should be angry with this man. He claimed to love you yet never bothered to find a way to be with you and take care of you. He could have found a way to break up with his wife in the last seven years, for example. Obviously his kids are much older now.

Don't forget that this situation caused you to have a breakdown.

Secondly, he is feeding you bull****. This kind of crap that he always loves you but wishes you best of luck with your new family (when you don't even have babies yet?) Ugh. Please. If he was truely in love with you, then how can he be with someone else (his wife), how can he watch you be with someone else (your husband). It's pathetic. His words are just words, nothing else. He's playing you. And he's playing his wife. How can he act like he loves you and go home to his wife? Pathetic.

Cop on and see him for what he is. Get angry, then forget him.

Mr. Incognito

You were manipulated and used for many years.

No doubt he loved you but when it came to it he wouldnt leave his wife. He made his choice.

You are living in a fantasy imagination land.

You are no longer young. Time to grow up.

You are also married.

My advice would be to sit down and tell your husband and to work on your marriage because you obviously need counselling or some other intervention to get over this fantasy.

And that's all it is.

Romance and love and sex are easy.

Raising a family and paying the mortgage is not.

osarusan

You put him behind you once. You can do so again. Don't put yourself in a position where you can be tempted again. Don't pretend that you can be friends and meet up occasionally. You need to cut all contact, permanently.

I wouldn't even bother being angry with the guy or waste any time dwelling on the past.

You are married to somebody you love. Your future is with this 'amazing man'. Concentrate on that.

TCM

I feel sorry for the man you did marry.

mrsdewinter

I know you feel terrible at the moment but read back over what you've written. You know your future is with your partner. Your former lover has said, Forget about me, focus on your new life.
I'm not saying it will be easy but the solution is very simple: move on & forget this guy.

woodchuck

Mod note:

TCM, your post falls short of the standard expected in PI/RI. Only post if you have constructive advice for the OP.

All posters should note that the OP is here for advice, not judgement.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure you didn't settle when you married your husband? I get the impression that meeting your ex has put you right back at square one. If he was single and you were single, would you go out with him?

I don't know how you can resolve this really. That affair did both of you an awful lot of emotional damage. He's still not free and will never be. You're married now. One obvious and practical step is to cut contact with this man and nip this in the bud.

After that, I don't know. Maybe you should by doing a lot of soul searching and asking yourself why you married your husband. Is he really the one? Why is it that you never got over your ex properly? Did you ever identify why you connected with him in this fashion in the first place?

Big Bag of Chips

solost wrote: »

That is, until I bumped into him a few weeks before Christmas. We talked and it was so lovely and felt like we were picking up where we left off. We talked for about 2 hours, at the end, we hugged, which led to a kiss on the lips and we said our goodbyes.

Bit of advice, next time you bump in to each other keep walking. You feel so sorry for his wife, now you are lying to your husband too. I'm sure you didn't tell your husband the truth of where you were for so long that day.

If you two love each other so much you'd have made it work. He's not a 'lovely man' or whatever you called him. He's a liar and a chest, and a coward. Funny how women who end up in a relationship with a married men tend to trot out the line 'he's not the typical cheater'. They mostly are the typical cheater. He's had 15 years to leave his wife. He could have done it any point but he didnt want to. Loads of people with assets and children and angry wives manage to separate and sort out finances.

I have little sympathy for you as you can probably tell. I have sympathy for your husband. You clearly settled, and he will never be enough for you. It might be worth reconsidering having children with him. Bringing up children is difficult. Don't start it with someone you're half hearted about.

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone for the responses so far.

I did tell my husband I bumped into my ex and that we spoke, but I did not tell him what that brought up for me.

I feel like the relationship with my ex has permanently damaged me. I thought I was over him. I spent years on medication, seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist regularly working through all this. I went through the angry phase with him before I met my husband, that's when I told him to move on, that I couldn't keep chasing for something that was never going to happen. I told him then that there was nothing left to fight for and to leave me alone. He said he would and he kept to that. I thought that the love was gone, I felt more sorry for him than anything else.

We definitely can't be friends, I know that and would never even consider that. If we were both single, that is a different story, but I am not even entertaining that thought.

I love my husband, he is my absolute rock. He is thoughtful and kind, we take the piss out of each other all the time, there are so many laughs. I don't believe I settled for him, I have never thought that. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought nothing could shake that. I really thought all my feelings for my ex were gone. If I ever had had any doubts otherwise, no way would I have gotten married, because my husband deserves the best.

Big Bag of Chips

Look, you fell hard for someone who used you as a bit of a distraction. Marriages end every day. There was nothing strange or unusual about his marriage that couldn't be sorted out. Seeing him again and spending so long talking to him allowed you to slip back in to the old habit. But you were never going to be anything more than his bit of excitement on the side. Regardless of what he ever said. He was never ever going to leave his wife and commit to you.

I suppose all you can do is accept the feelings you have. They faded before they'll fade again. But do not ever again put yourself the situation where you let him get to you again. If you see him on the street say hi and move on without breaking stride.

ElizaBennett

I suppose he continues to rob you of your peace of mind because you will always have that question of what might have been. How could it have all been if you'd both been single or he'd left his wife. It's never ending for you because of the what ifs. That's why you have to try forget him. Really, if you asked him now and he agreed to leave his life, would you want to leave your husband for him? Try to picture it. Who would you choose in all honesty?

BBFAN

After 15 years he still can't get out of his marriage OP? That's just not true or realistic.

It's a case of wanting what you can't have, we've all been there. Best way to deal with it is to shut it out completely.

wiggle16

I have to ask, why did you go and meet him a second time?

Don't want to be harsh, I initially had some sympathy for you, but after reading your post a couple of times I have to say I don't. The way you tell it, you'd think you had no control over any of this. But that's not true. Your predicament is your own doing, you met this man twice. You need to take responsibility for how you're behaving.

You say your relationship with him damaged you, and while that may be true, it's not relevant, and it's disingenuous to say it is. The implicit premise is that your feelings result from damage wrought by someone else and therefore you can't control them. That's a cop out. It's shifting responsibility for how you feel now onto an event in the past, where you can't change anything.

You and this man parted ways years ago. You got over him and built a new life for yourself.

Then you bump into this headwrecker again and suddenly you "pick up where it left off". You talk for two hours (neither of you had anywhere else to be while out and about, no?) hug, and kiss him on the lips. And instead of having a word with yourself and resolving to leave it there, you go and and meet him again.
I don't know how you can say you don't think there's still a chance for yous, even if you wouldn't take it. You told your husband you bumped into your ex, did you tell him you went and met him again? You can be sure as Hell your ex didn't tell his wife about any of this.

Why did you meet him a second time? You need to be honest with yourself about the answer to that question. I'm not accusing you of contriving to have an affair or intending to. But why the second meeting? You both know you should be staying well away from one another.

I won't get into the affair, you know you both did wrong by that woman, it's not something you should beat yourself up over forever. Affairs happen, people make mistakes, and life is not black and white. But you need to get real about the idea that he ever really loved you. You are painting a picture of a complete martyr. If he loved you so much he would have committed to you. But he didn't – no no, instead, he had too many financial entanglements and a harpy of a wife and a joint business and children and I'm sure there were a plethora of other excuses he rustled up over the years.
Sure if he left her OP, he would have lost all these things anyway, that's the trade off when you leave your spouse for someone else... so what exactly was she threatening him with? The life he'd already made was more important than you. What kind of love is it that buckles and breaks when things got tough? If you cannot see what that means for his “love” for you then I don't know how else to put it.

You need to accept that it is over and completely put it behind you. As another poster put it, it's not an easy thing to do but as solutions go it's a simple one. You need to take responsibility for your feelings and accept that they are there and they can be mastered. We say that we cannot help how we feel, but that's only partly true. You got over him before by cutting contact.

Your ex said it first OP. He asked you to move on with your life and not to contact him again. That's exactly what you need to do.

Big Bag of Chips

I completely missed the part where you met up with him again after bumping in to him.

Jesus, OP. Cop on. You're not some innocent young wan being strung along by a manipulative man. You're 15 years older than you were first time round, and you're married. Although marriage doesn't seem to mean much to either of you.

You say you told your husband you bumped into your ex, and you talked. Did you tell him which ex, and how long you spent with him, and that you kissed him, and then met up with him again, and are now 'torn up inside' because he told you not to contact him again?

Lovely way to treat 'your rock'.

Grow up. Forget about the fantasy that will never be. It wasn't a real relationship. You were hidden and secret. For 4 years. When it came to it, you weren't enough.

milli milli

I really can’t see the appeal of being with a married man. You will never be a priority in that ‘relationship’, you will always come second, or worse be ‘a bit on the side’. The married man (or woman) isn’t much of a catch, betraying the person they should be closest to, lying and cheating and just being an untrustworthy person in general.

I know clandestine relationships aren’t black and white but I really have to question the self-esteem of someone who enters into such a setup.
If you love and respect yourself, you wouldn’t even consider getting involved with such a person. Maybe have a look at your relationship with yourself OP, maybe it needs a little TLC.

jellybellyelly

@OP most of us have one of those 'maybe in another life' exes but most of us also realise that it isn't another life, it's this one, and things didn't work out because they just didn't and wouldn't if we tried again. It seems like after meeting him it's easier for you to lean into the 'maybes' of it rather than face what it was, what it actually was, and how this man has no place in your life now or your future.

You need to cut the cord, for your own sake.

.......

Both you and the ex are living in some kind of fantasy land of what might have been if you were free. For some reason you both need the escapism of it.

Its utter rubbish. He could have left his wife if he wanted. He didnt. You have no idea what a normal relationship would be like with him because you never had one.

You accepted being second fiddle and tbh a lot of raiming from you about how bad you felt for his wife etc. No offence but you are not some sort of robot incapable of following your feelings. You chose to be with him, you chose to hurt his wife. He chose the same. But he refused to choose to legitimise it with you and now, 15 years later, youre looking to hurt your husband over the same eejit.

This isnt some kind of helpless love where you have no control over yourself. You need to cop on and not behave in ways that are destructive to your marriage unless you want to lose it.

OP I really feel for you and your husband and your ex and his wife. See I think its possible to have compassion for all involved and to know that when relationships occur then its never ever black and white. I include all relationships in that, family and friends and work colleagues.

Its unfair to assume you were manipulated or that you're living in a fantasy. You experienced a love like you never had before and that leaves its mark. If you are happy with your husband and are sure you want to spend the rest if your life with him then do your best to put all thoughts of the other man out of your head. Concentrate on the relationship you do have, remind yourself why you both fell in love, talk together about the future, have fun.

My response isn't meant to condone infidelity, merely to say that sometimes with the best of intentions we go a different path or make a choice which can have consequences for others and ourselves.

JeffKenna

So was this kiss on the lips a passionate kiss or simply a quick peck? If you're after cheating on your husband then your posts come across as very self absorbed.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies guys, I really appreciate it.

@JeffKenna It was definitely just a peck on the lips, and literally a couple of seconds. We didn't linger on it.

On reflecting on it and looking at everyone's opinions and advice, I think my issue with it is that it is that I felt like he had all the control again. I'm not sure I can explain this properly to people who have not been in this ****y situation before but I will try.

For the years we were together and after when we were still meeting up to talk, it was all on his terms because he was the one who was married. When I finally got up the courage to walk away over 5 years ago and tell him that we were done for good, I felt like I had taken back the control of my own life. By him telling me now not to contact him again, that he wanted me to move on with my life, it felt like he took that from me and I had no peace of mind.

I know what I have to do here, even though I think he will always have a piece of me that I can't get back, I have to learn to forget him again.

ElizaBennett

OP you definitely can get past this and to a place where you won't be vulnerable to his attention again - I'm speaking as someone who has to get over being in love with a married man, while unhappily married myself. I eventually realised nothing would ever come of it. We never slept together and only kissed once but it took over at least four years of my life with chatting and wanting and watiting and obsessing. Eventually, through chance, there was a long gap of no contact and that broke the habit a bit. I still felt something for him but I had mastered it and wasn't seeing him through rose tinted glasses so much. We continued to sent a happy christmas email every year for the last three years and then this year neither of us did. He's obviously forgotten about me too and is getting on with his life, as I am. I've gotten divorced in the meantime and am with a fantastic man who's amazing to me (much like your husband sounds.) And yes we can always hold on to that romantic notion of something special we once had or imagined we had or 'what might have been' but it's no longer real in our lives. Good luck with getting over him.

.......

He only has whatever control you give him.

Kidchameleon

solost wrote: »

It was definitely just a peck on the lips, and literally a couple of seconds. We didn't linger on it.

If your husband met up with an ex and kissed her on the lips would you call it just a "peck"? You really should tell your husband that you guys kissed on the lips and that you met this guy a second time, for two hours. If the roles were reversed, would you want to know?

You guys met for two hours? No doubt you got his phone number? Delete it, NOW. He has your number? Block him, NOW. Move on with your life.

SeaBreezes

Its been 5 years? He probably has another affair on the go now and his wife is getting suspicious, hence the 'dont contact me again'

But he gives you a little peck on the lips to keep you on the back burner... when this affair fizzles out he'll be back with a 'I cant keep you out of my mind..'

The only people I feel sorry for in this story are the innocent parties wife, and husband. My god, can you imagine the diseases he is bringing home to her? Eugh.

And if you cant get this man out of your mind, then break up with your husband and wait for the man you cant forget.. But you dont completely trust him do you?
Cause if he can cheat WITH you..... then hes capable of cheating on you isnt he?

Toots

solost wrote: »

On reflecting on it and looking at everyone's opinions and advice, I think my issue with it is that it is that I felt like he had all the control again. I'm not sure I can explain this properly to people who have not been in this ****y situation before but I will try.

For the years we were together and after when we were still meeting up to talk, it was all on his terms because he was the one who was married. When I finally got up the courage to walk away over 5 years ago and tell him that we were done for good, I felt like I had taken back the control of my own life. By him telling me now not to contact him again, that he wanted me to move on with my life, it felt like he took that from me and I had no peace of mind.

I know what I have to do here, even though I think he will always have a piece of me that I can't get back, I have to learn to forget him again.

I'd be willing to bet he'll get in touch with you again sooner or later. Delete his number and block him on absolutely everything. You'll be taking back control by making sure that he can never contact you again.