Confused over my ex

SeptemberBaby

Hi all

I posted a few months back about my ex and I but I can't find it. Basically we were dating for 3 months, all wonderful, then his anxiety played up big time. He dumped me but we got back together after a week. We were together for another 2 months but I never steadied myself and didn't feel very safe and can now see that I was starting to take on his stuff and shut down a bit emotionally. His anxiety got really bad and he was having panic attacks. He broke up with me again saying he saw no future.

We weren't in contact for a month, then I contacted him apologising for not being more supportive and asking for another chance. He was lovely but again siad that he saw no future but really wanted to be friends. He felt aeful treating me the way he had and wanted to make up for it. So we agreed to be. We had no contact for another month but I found out that he was quite ill with anxiety and we were texting loads then. At this stage, he started talking about our sex life a lot and I encouraged it I guess becuase I thought it would be a way back in. Although he never said that he wanted to get back together. He just said how thinking of us ltogether turned him on so much and tbat he thought of me when he mastubated. I know I should have shut it down but I didn't.

He is much inproved now, back at work, has started going out with friends again. And during the past 2 weeks we were texting loads and flirting a lot, sharing stories and reminiscing, telling each other how great the other person was. He again apologised for his behaviour and said that he has been suffering mental health issues for a long time but was ready to p ut the time and energy into it now.

On Friday he finally asked when were we going to deal with all this sexual tension. I replied something non committal and he asked,no honestly when are going to ****. I was kind of taken aback and said well not this week cause I am away. Then he asked if I really wanted to because he didn't want to mess with my head.

So I laid it out and said that I wasn't over him. He was so lovely. He apologised for going on about sex all the time. He said we shouldn't hook up cause he didn't want to hurt me anymore than he had already and said that he was a gob****e. I told him that I was the gob****e cause I hadn't stopped him and I had said that we were friends. I admitted that I didn't want to let him go because i hoped that after we both worked through out issues that we could try again. But I also knew that if we were to move on, this couldn't continue. I apologised for bring this all up as I knew that he was still recovering.

He said that I was such an amazing person and that he wished things were different but that i was right saying that we, especially him, needed tl work on our stuff. We sent each other hug emojis and that seemed to be it

Yesterday i sent him a message saying that i hoped he was ok and to clarify that I didn't think he had to be alone while working on getting better ans that people don't have to be perfect but that I understood if he wanted time alone. He never answered.

I suppose I just needed to get this out because my heart is broken again and I know I should.leave him alone but I feel confused. Did he mean that he would like to try again but needs to work on himself first? Or is he just not interested and wanted to say nice things because he is a lovely person and doesn't want to hurt me? Do I text again and ask for clarity? Or do I take it that his non response was a response. My friends are sick of me at this stage. I don't blame them either.

Ursus Horribilis

This is the thread https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=108837693#post108837693

Rmgblue

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

This is the thread https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=108837693#post108837693

And read your last comment I’m sorry OP but you need to let this go.

SeptemberBaby

Rmgblue wrote: »

And read your last comment I’m sorry OP but you need to let this go.

I know that deep down. I just find it really sad. It is hard to find someone you genuinely connect with especially as you get older and he is a really lovely guy going through a very difficult time. He was really ill in December. Mental health difficulties are awful. 😞

But on a positive note all this has shown me I have things I can work on (like being more compassionate, self care and dealing with my own feelings instead of pushing things down) that will help me find a healthy, loving relationship

Ursus Horribilis

You can't be friends with an ex. It's a shame you made contact with him again because all it has done is reset your progress and put you back where you were before all of this kicked off. To be honest, this just reads like Round 2 of the drama kicking off and you should stay away. But you won't. Best of luck.

Dalomanakora

I really don't mean this to sound harsh but where's your self respect?

You went back to a guy who dumped you twice, to ask for another chance, then went along with his sexual fantasy stuff?


You should have so much more respect and love for yourself. You need to massively work on your self esteem, because no confident, self assured woman would go back to someone who messed them about so much


I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm only a few months out of a long term relationship myself so I do understand the pain you're feeling. But you deserve someone who knows they want you and someone who respects you. And you won't find that until you respect and love yourself enough to refuse to accept less.


Please learn from this horrible experience and take care of yourself x

SeptemberBaby

Thanks I need to hear this.

Big Bag of Chips

It is perfectly obvious from what you have told us that he doesn't want a relationship with you. He has told you that. What he wants is a fk - buddy. For as long as you were going along with it, he thought he was on to a sure thing. When you finally told him sex wasn't what you were after he disappeared.

He'll be back. But he'll be just looking for quick handy sex. If you don't think you could handle that, I advise you to cut off all avenues he has of contacting you. You are looking for something that he's not offering.

LegacyUser

No confusion. He has told you who he is. Listen to him. Believe him.
I was in a similar situation about 6 months ago. Every single day I think about texting him to reconnect. You know what stops me, every time? What he told me; "I don't get excited by you or by anything, I don't think my feelings for you are as strong as they should be".
Damn it, I want someone who's obsessed, who would walk over hot coals for me(as I would for them). Like you, I refused to be his "friend" because it was always a one-way street.
It's so so hard though. I totally get that. But you need to think of the bigger picture& what sort of energy& love you want in your life.

SeptemberBaby

Thank you. I started counselling today and she said something similar. Also said I should try mindfulness and get used to just sitting with the feeling. Just sit with the need to text him and it will pass.i know that I have been told that before but it struck a cord today.