Please help

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I had to go annon for this one but need some advice.
I was seeing a guy for a couple of months , coffee dates, couple of movie nights, nothing serious. I was just out of a seperation and not looking for anything serious. made that clear. I though he was easy going at first but after some time I felt like he was becoming a bit pushy and expressing stronger feelings. He got angry when I didnt respond to texts quickly enough or if i could meet up ( due to work).
I felt i was always ahving to explain myself. He also told quite a number of lies lately but I havent pulled him on it. I decided that we needed to cool it off and maybe just remain friends which he wasnt happy about.
He has since driven past my house on 2 occasions ( lives 15 miles away) and questioned whos car was at my house. Ive tried to remain on a friendly basis with him but he sends abusive messages if i dont answer the phone to him . he works at a place i visit frequently and im friendly with a colleague of his. He doesnt like this and has said all manners of derogatory things about him and telling me I cant be friends with him. He has also been looking into my pass and found out things about my ex's family.
Its begining to make me feel very anxious. Im afriad to tell him to back of completely incase he takes it really badly. How do i handle this??

Xterminator

you might handle this by abandoning the softly softy approach. Because thats why it has escalated, he is getting away with it.

e.g.

I felt i was always ahving to explain myself.

He also told quite a number of lies lately but I havent pulled him on it

Ive tried to remain on a friendly basis with him but he sends abusive messages if i dont answer the phone to him

make a copy of all messages etc, no of phone calls, days he drove by your house. put it into a folder. email a copy of this to yourself.
Tell a close friend or relative so they know too.

meet up in a public place. Tell him you want to cease all contact, and that you will document and screenshot any further messages etc. Block him on your phone and social media. if you can have a friend on standby to come in, just in case.

If you feel threatened by him any further, drop into your local garda station and show them all the messages/evidence and explain you have told him to stay away, and what he has done to make you feel unsafe.

https://www.safeireland.ie/get-help/where-to-find-help/

reach out for help if you need it.

LegacyUser

Thanks Xterminator,

Yes I was using the softly approach mainly because he has a very close family member with not much time left so i was trying to be sympathetic in that respect.
he keeps saying he'll wait for me until im ready for a relationship but Ive told him I dont want him to wait for anything and that Im happy as I am. His messages have included calling me names and how he wishes he never met me and then 10 minutes later hes sending apologetic messages. I just fear that he'll turn up at my house and I have a little child at home to think of.

.......

You dont need to meet him to tell him you want to finish up with him. Just tell him on the phone.

Do document everything that you have related in your post.
Also tell your friends and family what is happening. Dont feel bad about it - you have done nothing wrong.

When you finish up with him be clear and concise. Write it down first so that you dont get dragged off topic. This isnt a discussion, this is you giving him information. Do not get dragged into an argument.

Be quite clear that you wish to finish the relationship, that you do not want any further contact from him. End of.

If he contacts you again afterwards inform him that you are reporting unwanted contact to the Guards - and do it.

If you have a friend who can stay with you for a few days, ask them to stay.

Looking at this from the outside, I would say that he is a bully and probably a coward too. He is not going to risk losing his job by escalating (ie, have you tell your friend in his job how he is behaving or have the Guards come to his job to question him). The relationship is also probably not worth his energy escalating. Its not like you were married/live together/in a long relationship. He is currently chancing his arm looking for a partner he can abuse. You probably wont hear a thing from him again after you ditch him - but it is understandable that you feel anxious about it.

Edited to add - if he turns up at your house do not answer the door and call the Guards and friends or family. It is HIGHLY unlikely he will do this though.

ChrissieH

Wow, I would feel really intimated and wary about this guy tbh. I agree completely with the advice of the previous posters, but I would imagine, from the way you described everything, that you're probably not a very confrontational person and it's possibly making you really reluctant to actually tell this guy to back off.. I can understand that and only recently was talking to a friend of mine about how so many of us females were reared to just shut up and ignore a man's bad behaviour for fear of the situation escalating. It's ridiculously bad advice a lot of the time but has left us feeling like we have to suck it up and hope they'll go away on their own if we ignore them for long enough.
This guy does not sound like he's getting the hint whatsoever so I agree with the other posters that you'll have to be very blunt and assertive, make it blatantly clear to him that you're not someone to be bullied, you've told him you're not interested in a relationship with him, you should absolutely not be answering any of his intrusive questions about what you're doing in your spare time, you need to make it really clear that you have boundaries that he is not welcome to intrude upon.

I really hope you can be assertive enough to give him the message he needs to hear, and I really hope you're ok! This kind of thing is not easy to manage to be fair. It can be much more intimidating when you're involved than people on the outside realise.

Rubberchikken

good advice above.
you need to drop this guy completely.
i also agree with keeping texts etc in case they're needed. tell some family members/friends you trust.
others need to know about this guy for your sake.
his behaviour is shabby to say the least and worrying if it were to escalate which im hoping it won't.
take care

LegacyUser

Just to add op along with the other sound advice, you seem pretty aware and determined to get him out of your life but anyway, be prepared for him to act sad, flatter you when you cut him off etc.

Don't fall for any of this. He sounds textbook so no contact asap. Usually these type (and they are a type) back off when they see you are not vulnerable or open to be manipulated. Good luck x

BBFAN

OP, you really need to cut contact COMPLETELY with this guy. Don't feel sorry for him, don't fall for the dying relative card, you owe him nothing.

You have to protect yourself and your child so make it completely clear that you don't want any further contact. If you block his number you won't get any further calls or texts etc. So all you have to worry about is him coming to your house. If he does this give him one warning that you're going to contact the Gardaí and if he comes again then contact them straight away.

As others have said keep a record of every single thing that happens from here on in.