Only child and can't stop worrying about my parents' health.

LegacyUser

I can't handle the thoughts of my parents dying one day, and my fear lately is that the day it happens will be sooner rather than later. My mum is 57 and she weighs 14 stone. My dad is 64 and has type two diabetes. Either one of them could get a stroke or heart attack any minute.

My dad takes his meds regularly and my mum is going for a yearly checkup soon with the doc. But my anxiety about their future death is unbearably strong. I know I won't be able to cope. I don't have many friends and my family is tiny because I'm an only child. No living aunts, uncles, or grandparents.

I will end up lonely and crying every day. I feel absolute zero control over their destinies. My girlfriend who lives abroad is due to have our child soon. I'm going over there for the birth, but I have developed terrible anxiety about leaving my parents, even though i've lived abroad for several months at a time during the course of the last few years.

Any advice would be appreciated. Feeling responsible for my own health, my future child's health, and my parents' health is a hugely stressful burden, and my hair has started to go grey even though I'm still in my 20s.

Xterminator

Hi Op

Everyone dies. You have zero control over that. What you do can control is lifestyle factors & if your parents getting whatever help they need, and taking medication etc. It absolutely sounds like they are.

But that doesn't stop you from worrying, excessively it appears.

I will end up lonely and crying every day. I feel absolute zero control

I think it sounds like you need to seek professional help and see a therapist.

Of couse if you can make sure a neighbour checks in on the parents every other day, etc that might help, but IMO your problem here is not what could happen but your ability to deal rationally with it. i dont think you are in a good place mentally. so get the help you need.

zoobizoo

Have a read of Yalom's "Staring at the Sun" and "Being Mortal" by Atul Gawanda for dealing with death,

December2012

Why are you not living with your girlfriend? Are you letting the fears over your parents death hold you back from living your own life?

.......

OP you really need to speak to a professional.

The levels of anxiety you are feeling are not normal. You have focused this onto worrying about your parents dying but really, thats just a symptom.

Please go and talk to your GP, the level of worry you feel is NOT normal, and you dont have to be feeling this way.

LegacyUser

I put my mother in the ground 2 years ago and I'm fine. There are still times when it gets to me and I'll cry. Mostly, I'm getting on with my life and I'm as happy as I always was. If you think about it, so are a large number of the people you meet walking around every day. People are resilient and they can cope with the curveballs life throws at them. Mum was ill for a long time before she died but it became our "normal". Now that she's gone I realise how much me and my dad were put through. It didn't feel like it at the time. When you're in the middle of it you just deal with things as best you can and somehow it all works out.

If I learned anything at all about mum's illness and death, it's that (a) things don't happen the way you think they will and (b) the things you dread aren't so bad when they actually happen. There is no script for how anybody will fall ill and eventually pass away. It's not ideal that your parents are in poor health but there is nothing you can do about it. Even if they weren't obese or suffering from Type 2 Diabetes they could still suffer strokes or get cancer or all the other illnesses that are out there. Someone from my office who looks after himself and did all the right things suffered a heart attack last year. That's life, I'm afraid.

Your parents are adults and they're not helpless. When either of them falls badly ill, there will be systems in place to help them. They're not as good these days because of HSE cutbacks but there is still help to be had. Public health nurses, home help, day care etc. These are all services out there that most of us don't know about until someone belonging to us needs their help. There might also be the option of getting private help for them when the time comes (I don't know what your financial situation is).

Is moving back here an option once your child is born? If not, you can still keep contact with your parents. All you can do is your best and make sure you have no regrets. You still have your own life to live and a child of your own to rear. I'm sure your parents would say the very same thing to you.

If this is upsetting you so much and so persistently, maybe you should talk to a counsellor. Why the sudden fear that your parents are going to die soon? Why do you believe you'll be lonely. Lots of people out there would love to have a partner and a child. This should be an exciting time in your life, not one of dread.

Rubberchikken

speak to a professional about the anxiety.
im not being facetious but if you think your worry about your parents is bad wait until your child is born.
you have no control over how long your parents live. they might outlive you. worrying will just take over and waste your life.
good luck

BBFAN

OP, your level of worry is not normal. Your parents are still young and even if they aren't the healthiest it is completely out of your control whether or not they have a heart attack or stroke.

You say you'll be left with no-one and yet you have a girlfriend and child on the way? They should be your priority at this stage in your life.

You really need to see a professional about this level of anxiety.

Emme

OP I would advise you to emigrate to where your girlfriend is and be with YOUR child. You need to get a life of your own.

Your parents seem to have made bad lifestyle choices which have contributed to their poor health. Worrying about them and when they will die won't help. They could well live another 30 years each while growing more incapacitated by the day and leaning on you to the extent that you have no life of your own.

The best thing you could do now is advise them to take better care of their health (diet, lifestyle, exercise etc.) so they have a better quality of life and stay out of hospital longer. People who don't take responsibility for their health know there is a health system (not great but it trundles along) to look after them and often family members who will always sit in A&E with them and sacrifice their own lives in the process.

Get counselling for your anxiety and get yourself a life. Your parents are responsible for themselves and the consequences of their poor life choices. You are not.

ManOfMystery

Sometimes the 'fear' or what can happen is even worse than the event itself.

My wife's father was in ill health for a number of years, with constant setbacks and scares and so on. For almost 5yrs she was in a near perpetual state of worry about him, broken up by weeks here and there where he would be in relatively good and normal health.

Then he died.

I would never try to diminish the impact of his death - my wife was understandably grief-stricken it hit her hard. However, time passed and she found things easier and began to return to some semblance of normality - but without that constant fear. What helped was having her own family - myself and our child - to focus on, and we in turn tried to help her with her grief.

This is the great circle of life, for the majority of the world's population. Our parents bring us into the world, then eventually leave us. We in turn bring someone into the world, and will eventually leave them. These are the roles we fulfil. And as much as death is a distasteful subject which none of us ever want to have to think about, it is also the great common denominator which unites us all regardless of wealth or class or age : we will all die, just like the 107 billion or so who have lived before us. We can't stop that happening, but what we can do is try to make our lives as rich and fulfilling as possible when we're here.

Worrying, stressing, and so on will not make your life rich and fulfilling. Being with your partner and child will and will also help remove that sense of isolation you're feeling. Your parents I'm sure appreciate your support but you can't be wholly responsible for them either.

B0jangles

Do you think maybe that your understandable anxiety over becoming a parent for the first time is causing this overflow of anxiety on to how you feel about your parents? Your girlfriend is abroad, so you can't phyically be there in the lead up to the birth so your underlying anxiety has latched on to the closest comparable relationship - maybe you're panicking about your parents health because you can't do anything to ensure the health of your expected baby?

If you've always worried about their health, then this doesn't apply, but if this is a new thing, or has recently gotten a lot more severe, it might be worth exploring if it's really about becoming a parent yourself.

SirChenjin

....... wrote: »

OP you really need to speak to a professional.

The levels of anxiety you are feeling are not normal. You have focused this onto worrying about your parents dying but really, thats just a symptom.

Please go and talk to your GP, the level of worry you feel is NOT normal, and you dont have to be feeling this way.

+1. That level of anxiety about a future event is something you need to seek help with. It's something none of us can control, the circle of life, and death. Your parents are relatively young, and with good management of their health could live to old age.

Please do discuss this anxiety with your GP.

SozBbz

OP, Im an only child. My parents are older than yours (70's) and have had various health scares but see doctors as appropriate and are in good hands.

Its normal to have these worries because, eventually they will come to fruition. It gets to me sometimes. I have friends who have lost parents over the past few years and its a terrible feeling. As an only child it does get to you more, and I get that.

However it is not normal for these worries to be so acute. Life expectancy in this country is now late 70's/early 80's so and while it sounds like your parents could make some lifestyle improvements, they don't sound extreme by any means. There are plenty of 57 year old women walking around at 14stone who are not on the brink of death.

You're catastrophising and possibly suffering from anxiety - you need to see a professional to help you see things as they really are rather than fixating on the worst possible scenarios. And you need to accept that one day your parents will die, hopefully not soon, but when the time comes, you need to build resilience so that you can withstand that.

You can't allow these feelings to prevent you from building up your own independent life, as this is ultimately what will help you when the time comes.