Starting to hate my spouse

Mouse28

We have been married nearly 15 years and for half that it seems like I am breaking my back to make things work

For about the last 5+ years my own MH has been suffering to the point that I have had 3 different doctors say I am actually not fit or capable psychologically to work, however, spouse doesn’t like their job and has thrown a tantrum saying I have to work as on paper I should be the higher earner. I have 3rd level qualifications which means I will have a more stressful workload to deal with compared to spouse, along with longer working hours. Usually in my field 60+ hrs pw.

One of the biggest worries I have is that when I return to that field spouse never helps out with home life, kids homework etc, common excuse is spouse has dyslexia and didn’t finish school.

Spouse is also a recovering alcoholic. I had them removed from the home in the past due to drinking and things were so much easier and happier on our own.

I have long suspected that spouse has some underlying issues. I had put this down to alcohol abuse but the alcohol is now gone but the issues remain. They has little or no consideration for anyone else’s opinion on any issues from holidays to what programmed to watch on TV. Even the meals we eat are dictated by their likes or dislikes.

Spouse has cut their own immediate family off, parents and siblings. They have no understanding of why we want to spend time with my family and if my family come to visit they are extremely anti social and afterwards they complain that they wanted to relax and couldn’t as people were here. Kids don’t even bring friends over.

Spouse has no friends. They don’t even have work mates they speak to outside of work. This wasn’t the case prior to us getting together and married. When we married they discarded all friends and cut off their family about 2 years after wedding.

Spouse refuses to recognise anything is wrong. They were attending a counselor for alcohol addiction but stopped after 5 sessions and refused to go back. They have also refused to attend AA etc

There is also no physical relationship anymore.

Any Advice on how to proceed welcome

Sephiroth_dude

If you can leave or else ask him to leave, you need to put yourself and your own MH and kids first, he sounds toxic and controlling.

OldMrBrennan83

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

If you can leave or else ask him to leave, you need to put yourself and your own MH and kids first, he sounds toxic and controlling.

He?

Wanderer78

I'm dyslexic myself, but that's no excuse for this kind of behaviour. Your own needs are critical here, dont return to your job, you ve been advised not to, you know this won't work for you. Have you received counselling yourself, if not, please do? You may also need to consider separation and all that entails. Best of luck

Reggie.

Patww79 wrote: »

He?

Common misconception

Big Bag of Chips

Whether it's he/she is irrelevant. The advice offered by Sephiroth_dude stands. Posters are reminded to offer advice to the OP when posting. Anything less is off topic.

Pawwed Rig

Hi Mouse
What do you want out of the relationship? Do you want to make it work or have you already checked out?

niallam

Mouse28 wrote: »

I had them removed from the home in the past due to drinking and things were so much easier and happier on our own.

I think you’ve answered your own question there.

How are the kids when the spouse isn’t around?
For me kids would have to come first, I’d put up with almost anything to make sure they’d the best quality of life possible, if that means turfing the spouse out then that’s what you have to do.

It seems like you’ve put up with a lot already! But it sounds like there’s still love there and you’re trying to help this person, makes it very hard for you to just abandon them at the same time.

Xterminator

priorities.

1. the kids
2. you
3. spouse

do whats best for 1 and 2.

I would like to add, thats its very sad & telling you didn't find one good thing to say about your spouse. I understand that any love you felt has probably been leeched away bit by bit. Still it is a pity. so dont give into negative feelings like hate.

You need to seperate, and that's going to mean one of you (if not both) leaving the current place. given the current money situation that may require some planning, and a substantial hit to family finances if between you there is a whole new set of expenses. So again if you can plan ahead you might be able to mitigate the damage here too.

careful consideration will be needed as to if and when you go back to work. your income will affect housing benefits, spousal support, child maintenance arrangements. just don't make rash decisions - make sure you consider the implications.

Regarding continued visitation & access, custody and other arrangements, i really do recommend you find out about mediation services.

Make sure you keep your family and friends close. don't let them drift away. if you go back to work as a single parent; family support can be the difference between it be financially viable or not. if you end up looking for somewhere to stay - well you get my point.

Mr. Incognito

I have no idea why you are staying with someone that is basically using you.

As a recovering addict myself if they are not attending Counselling or meetings they are not recovered.

Id consult a solicitor that specialises in family law

GingerLily

What does your partner actually contribute to your family, financially and physically?

They sound like a waste of space, can you get by without them?

Can you reskill and work in another area that has a more balanced work life balance?

Magicmatilda

Might be worthwhile for you too attend some Al Anon meetings. Meet others in a similar position and find the strength to do what you need to do, whatever that is.

.......

Definitely go to Alanon.

Your spouse sounds like he/she is not a recovered alcoholic at all but simply a dry drunk.

You didnt say one good thing about them in your post and the most positive thing you did say was that things were better when he/she wasnt there.

So why are you keeping him/her around?

Its really bad for your kids too. I grew up with an alcoholic father and even during dry periods (there werent many) his behaviour was the same as your spouse - things like cutting family and friends off, not wanting my mother to see her own family, us kids not bringing friends to the house etc. I dont know what age your kids are but I knew from age 5 something wasnt right and it continued to damage from from then on. Today as an adult in my 40s I still suffer the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional environment. Children form their sense of what constitutes a relationship from seeing their parents - do you want your kids to think that how you life is what to aspire to? Children also learn conflict resolution from their parents - to this day I have to fight myself not to descend into "silent treatment/cut them out" over conflict because thats what I saw growing up. Overwhelmingly we wanted my mother to leave my father and would have far preferred a life without him in it ruining things for everyone else.

So - think of your kids, and yourself. What life do you want?

Mouse28

Thank you for all the replies.

I honestly haven’t been asked what do I want in a very long time.

I want to be respected and I want to be with someone I respect
I want to be able to rely on the person I am with
I want to be with someone who shares the burden as opposed to creating it

Above all else I want kids to be safe, secure and happy

I know I need to leave, I just needed to get someone to reinforce my belief that the behavior is not acceptable.

What I have described in OP is just minimal. I have the brunt of the blame when everything goes wrong, they can’t find something therefore I have moved it. A programme is on the TV they don’t like when they turn it on, it’s my fault!!!

The 2 cars outside the front door bought and paid for by me along with tax insurance etc paid for by me, they take the newer one etc

All bills in my name and if they have spent the money and bills don’t get paid it’s my fault

I believe it is a form of psychological abuse, it would be easier if they got physical but they never do

I have some money coming within the year they don’t know about. Probably enough for a substantial deposit on a property. I’m hoping my MH holds out till then as one day soon if I can buy my own place away I will take the kids and go

Pawwed Rig

Why would you leave the home?

You have resisted disclosing genders here but unfortunately it does make a huge difference. If you are male you may face difficulties if you try to leave with your kids.
Contact Amen (if male) or womens aid (if female) for advice. There are also other threads here that have good advice.

take care

.......

Mouse28 wrote: »

ear they don’t know about. Probably enough for a substantial deposit on a property. I’m hoping my MH holds out till then as one day soon if I can buy my own place away I will take the kids and go

If you are married it doesnt matter if they know about it or not - they have a legal claim on it.

Why would you be the one to leave? Ask your spouse to leave the family home and then do mediation and sort out the finances/property legally.

GingerLily

Contact a solicitor, you may need to leave sooner rather than later if you have money coming in.

Johnson_76

Al Anon Al Anon Al Anon.


I am screaming Al anon at you. You will never fix him. There is wonderful people at al anon.

suicide_circus

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Why would you leave the home?

You have resisted disclosing genders here but unfortunately it does make a huge difference. If you are male you may face difficulties if you try to leave with your kids.
Contact Amen (if male) or womens aid (if female) for advice. There are also other threads here that have good advice.

take care

+1
The gender of the spouse does make a difference to the advice unfortunately.

OP if you are male and the spouse female then you need to be incredibly careful and build a detailed documented case before you make any moves.

TheBoyConor

The gender differences does make a huge difference.

If you are a wife trying to get rid of a no good, drunk antisocial husband out of the house you will be able to do so relatively easily.

If you are a man trying to get a no good troublesome abusive wife out of the house it is much, much much harder. It's usually the case that the man just leaves leaving the children behind because usually there is no other workable option. The courts favour the women.

LegacyUser

The OP states that:

“Spouse is also a recovering alcoholic. I had them removed from the home in the past due to drinking and things were so much easier and happier on our own.”

So gender isn’t hugely relevant. It’s difficult for anyone to have an abusive drunk removed, but it’s not impossible.

I do wonder why OP wants to conceal the gender though. If you think we’re all such sexists that you need to, why would you want our advice?

wiggle16

TheBoyConor wrote: »

The gender differences does make a huge difference.

If you are a wife trying to get rid of a no good, drunk antisocial husband out of the house you will be able to do so relatively easily.

If you are a man trying to get a no good troublesome abusive wife out of the house it is much, much much harder. It's usually the case that the man just leaves leaving the children behind because usually there is no other workable option. The courts favour the women.

kshfbr wrote: »

I do wonder why OP wants to conceal the gender though. If you think we’re all such sexists that you need to, why would you want our advice?

TheBoyConnor, kshfbr,

A moderator has already posted a perfectly clear instruction stating that the gender of the spouse is not the issue and to stick to offering advice to the OP. They OP has left gender out of it themselves - clearly they can see it's not the issue either.

TheBoyConnor, your post has not offered any advice to the OP, and in addition is an oversimiplification of the family courts system.

Kshfbr, the OP is not obliged to provide the gender of their spouse. It is not relevant. Do not challenge the OP in that way again.

Any further off-topic posts will be carded/actioned. Posters will not be asked again.