Did I make a mistake?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I recently told my beautiful girlfriend of 2 years that I didn't think we had a future together. And I am wracked with guilt and sorrow for causing her so much pain. I do care deeply about her, I'm thinking have I made a mistake?

We were living together about 6 months but in that time it became apparent we are so different. Different outlooks on life, very little in common together. Just some examples - I love movies and eating out, she doesn't. She loves animals & nature and has a very eco-friendly outlook. Me not so much. She is from another country and there were cultural differences too. We rarely cook together because she normally has the main meal around lunchtime whereas I have it in the evening. And we both like different types of food. She would be extremely liberal whereas I would be less so.

I also felt a bit trapped in the relationship. Having come from home where I was used to doing my own thing, the new environment was difficult to get used to. She had some insecurity issues and we've had numerous fights about passwords to computers and phones. She sees privacy as lies whereas I take deep offence to that. Her argument is if I've nothing to hide why can't she have my computer password and phone password. I am deeply against this (I've genuinely nothing to hide) - she needs to trust me. She was also constantly at me to open up more (I'm quiet by nature) and share my thoughts - I mean constantly. She really wanted to always know what I was thinking about everything. It was exhausting. She also had a meltdown over videogames I play because "why would you want to shoot people?" (these are shooter games!). She also complained about my relationship with my family, we are close so I would go over to my home at least once a week to help out, see my mother and see friends which she felt was too much and I need to "grow up".

It all got a bit too much, and often I felt I couldn't be myself because if I come home from work and sit at the computer or play videogames she would feel rejected, even though we do a lot of stuff together. We would talk at night in bed and it became very negative for me because I felt it was always about ways she is unhappy because of me. Now, I am not a saint by any means and I know some of her needs were not being met. During this time I felt my attraction to her decline and many nights I didn't want to have sex.

On the flip side she has so many good qualities. She is a beautiful, caring and loving girl. I care about her so much. She is a gentle soul and was always thinking of me, we had a lot of fun adventures together. She is very affectionate. I know I hurt her so much by breaking up with her, and like the beautiful soul she is through her tears she was still thinking of me. It kills me that I have hurt her. I want nothing more than to take the pain away. As I said earlier I am wracked with guilt and feel like sh*t and I'm wondering if I made a mistake. We are both early 30s. The only thing I can see is that I would not have done this if I was genuinely happy in the relationship. The thoughts of her being with another man are awful. But I have no control over any of that. I am wondering if I give it another shot would I just not end up having to do this all over again later? I don't know.

Sorry for the long rambling post. I just needed to get all this off my chest. Tbh this is my first real serious long term relationship.

Any input appreciated.

Sunflower 27

<snip>

If the guilt is because you hurt her, that is not a reason to rekindle the relationship.

Hurt is often part of breakups.

If it helps, make a list of why you should/shouldn't be together. No point giving it another try and coming to the same realisations in 6 months.

This post also shows you are a caring person. Of course you don't want her to be in pain but it's not your fault you left the relationship. What was the alternative? Stay and feel miserable, grow resentful?

I think you will feel differently in a month. Guilt will ease.

woodchuck

OP it's obvious that you care about her and think highly of her as a person. However, it doesn't matter how amazing she is, as the two of you are obviously not compatible as a couple

I am wondering if I give it another shot would I just not end up having to do this all over again later?

Yes, you would. Nothing will have changed if you get back together and you'll just end up breaking up again at some point because you're not compatible.

I know you feel guilty for causing her pain, but that's unavoidable in a breakup. You'll both get over it and move on. It will just take some time.

ManOfMystery

Life's not black and white. It's common for people to break up in much more severe circumstances than you (e.g. domestic violence for example) and for the person who was victimised to still question if they did the right thing, and become sentimental about the good parts of the relationship. So in your own particular situation, where there wasn't any abuse as such but just incompatibilities, I would fully expect you to be questioning yourself.

It sounds like you did the right thing though. Some people can get along even if they have different interests, different political beliefs, etc, but it seems in this case there were too many areas where you both just weren't compatible.

The guilt you're feeling now is because it's all fresh and because you cared for this girl deeply. In time it will fade and you'll realise you made the right choice. Don't confuse this with regret.

ginandtonicsky

This is Breakup 101 stuff tbh. You care about her and love her in your own way - of course you do, you spent 2 years with her. But there's not enough there to go the distance.

Just allow the feelings to exist and keep reminding yourself of why it wasn't going to work with her. It's hard for everyone now, but it's the kindest thing you could've done for her in the long run and will save her from worse heartache and pain if you were to drag this out for longer.

Cut contact too.

Esse85

Did you explain how you were feeling to her?

I mean if she read the above, would she be surprised to realize that's how you felt?

LolaJJ

It almost reads like you are trying to convince yourself that all ofthe reasons you have outlined enough were worthy reasons to call-time on your relationship.

I think if someone is the right person for you, you don't have any of the doubts you are experiencing. If you were falling out and bickering over basic privacy issues and have fundamentally differing views on the world which ultimately had you feeling less attracted to her after just 2 years then it's hard to imagine things just fixing themselves and you suddenly learning how to co-habit harmoniously for the rest of your lives together.

If you are both early-30's then she deserves an opportunity to find someone she is more suited too now and not in a couple of years (especially if she intends to have children).

The hurt and guilt you feel just means you are a decent person, break ups aren't pleasant regardless of which side you are on.

You can however take some positives from the situation and recognise the qualities you hope to find in the next girl you meet if you want it to go the distance.

Best of luck

Mr. Incognito

Get out mate.

The Passwords alone would have been a deal breaker for me. Classic controlling and manipulating behaviour.

Yes you care about her and she's beautiful.

Guess what. There are literally thousands of beautiful cool people out there.

Just let go. Don't contact her or mess her around or drag it out and melt your head.

Move on with respect but mostly move on. It gets easier every day.

Springfields

You're just feeling guilty for her sadness but really you are doing her a favour. There are a lot of reasons ye don't seems to be compatible and the break up will happen eventually ..
Stay strong . Be kind but don't get back together. You've done the hard part..time will heal all

nthclare

You did the right thing, I dated a few ladies who were similar.

They turned out to be covert narcissists.

Very insecure and controling, there's a lot of men and women out there like that.

You're probably still attracted to the alterior script she played out....

I'm sure you'll be ok and mind yourself OP

LolaJJ

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Get out mate.

The Passwords alone would have been a deal breaker for me. Classic controlling and manipulating behaviour.

100%

There's no way I cold ever accept or get past this. Even if everything else was glorious...

stateofflux

Get the hell out of there.

Its not working and she has insecurity and Control issues which will get worse believe me.

Ursus Horribilis

The old saying "If you want to know me, come live with me" certainly rings true here. Going by what you've described here, you were absolutely in the right in breaking up with her. Aside from the obvious incompatibilities you had, there are fed flags all over the place. The "insecurity" sounds more like control to me, as does her trying to undermine your relationship with your family. I've a feeling that as time went on, you'd start to feel more and more stifled and unhappy.

I think when you're feeling less raw about this, you'll start to look at this relationship in a different light and be happy you left. Break ups hurt, especially when you've taken that extra step of moving in together. Give it time. You'll be fine, she'll be fine.

BBFAN

OP, you completely did the right thing. Your lives were incompatible.

You are a caring person so of course you will be worried about her but I agree with others, you're doing her a favour as well because she wasn't happy either.

One thing I would look at though is the gaming, no woman would be happy with you coming in from work and immediately playing video games.

shesty

Yeah, I have to say that thought struck me too - I would hit the ceiling if I was living with someone who came in and played computer games a lot in the evenings. I'm fairly easy going but that is just rude.


Otherwise, I'd echo others - of course you are sad, it's been a long relationship, but you obviously just aren't compatible. It's better to have lived together and discovered this, so let the feelings run their course and hopefully you will find someone new when you are ready.

Ursus Horribilis

The playing of computer games issue is something that could've been ironed out though. If they'd been better at communicating and she wasn't given to meltdowns.

Esse85

What's the difference between playing computer games versus watching some garbage reality TV show?

GingerLily

Esse85 wrote: »

What's the difference between playing computer games versus watching some garbage reality TV show?

I don't watch garbage TV either when I get in from work. My husband would find that very irritating!

Ursus Horribilis

He didn't say how soon he'd get in from work and sit at the computer. "...if I come home from work and sit at the computer or play videogames she would feel rejected, even though we do a lot of stuff together." Was it straight away or a couple of hours later? Did it happen every night?

zoobizoo

whatdidido wrote: »

She had some insecurity issues and we've had numerous fights about passwords to computers and phones.

often I felt I couldn't be myself.

On the flip side she has so many good qualities. The thoughts of her being with another man are awful.

The passwords thing would have ended it for me. I don't know my wife's passwords, nor would I want to. She doesn't know mine nor has she ever demanded them.

If you can't be yourself (most of the time) with a partner, you'll never be happy. You'll be second guessing yourself constantly.

There is no flip side. She's jealous and controlling.

If she wasn't beautiful and you could stop imagining her banging other lads, would you be happy enough with the break up?

There are plenty of other women out there who are nice, normal and not controlling. As soon as you meet one of them, you'll have forgotten about this one and wondered why you stayed with her as long as you have.

As for the video games - you might look at compromising on this. That said, if you had more in common with a partner, you might find that they'd love to spend the evening playing shoot-em-ups with you!

Kidchameleon

whatdidido wrote: »

why can't she have my computer password and phone password. I am deeply against this (I've genuinely nothing to hide) - she needs to trust me

She also had a meltdown over videogames I play because "why would you want to shoot people?"

She also complained about my relationship with my family

come home from work and sit at the computer or play videogames she would feel rejected

Best decision you ever made.

BBFAN

Esse85 wrote: »

What's the difference between playing computer games versus watching some garbage reality TV show?

Difference is someone doesn't normally come in from work and turn on garbage TV for hours on end, computer games can go on forever.

I know because my daughters partner is completely addicted and he'll sit there dug into a computer game ignoring his own child into the bargain for hours and hours.