14 year friendship finished due to a lady

LegacyUser

TL;DR - Myself and a 'friend' had a falling out over a woman. I am essentially seeking to find ways to get over a friend or whether I should attempt to make up with him.

Me and my friend (let's call him D) were friends for many years in our small hometown in Ireland. Went to school together and kept in touch during university. He was a good friend in ways but there were some traits that he had which I didn't like. He was snooty/condescending at times, would not go to destinations on lads holidays unless it was where he specifically wanted to go and he has an attitude towards women that I think is a bit immature to say the least (aged 35, he will go to venues in Dublin where he now lives to find and sleep with foreign women rather than cultivate any sort of longer-term relationship with an Irish woman who he doesn't like, for example).

Over the past 3 years, these traits have been more and more apparent and I have been getting more frustrated with him and his views. My work moved to a city in the Czech Republic for most of 2018 and before I was set up properly, he had invited himself over for a weekend.

During this weekend, we went out to the Irish pub and we met a couple of women there. One of them seemed quite interested in me but when D had gone outside for a smoke, it was clear that one of the women was interested in me but I had not 'made a move' so to speak. To give some background to this, I was new in the city, not a lot of experience with women in general over the previous year and could have done with meeting someone this weekend! When I returned from buying drinks at the bar, D was kissing the lady. I left shortly thereafter and D stayed with the woman for most of the rest of the weekend.

A few months later, the woman in question messaged me and we got a few drinks together a few times and we kissed a few times. One night, she was on her phone and she appeared more distant. D was messaging her still and she didn't want to kiss me and acted weird. I accepted this but the day after, after getting blind drunk I sent her a few messages that weren't very nice. They were snide and sarcastic about him and her. I absolutely should not have done this and regret this. It reflected badly on me.

Before I could send a message to apologise however, D sent me a message saying that the lady had told me everything I had written, that I should not have gone on dates with her after he got with her and implied that I should be embarrassed to have even tried. It was worded quite cruely and designed to sting.

I blocked him there and then as I was hurt, hungover and embarrassed. I didn't even try to apologise to the woman as she had obviously told D everything and he had lashed out from a couple of thousand km away.

This was during the summer. I was back for Christmas and did not speak to him and still have him blocked on everything.

*My struggle is this* - should I rebuild my life without a friend or 'friend' who has been an outlet for me for 14 years? Or should I try to send out some sort of olive branch? Perhaps I was wrong to go on dates with the woman? And I definitely shouldn't have sent mean messages to her. He has sent messages into group chats and stuff but has not made a concerted effort to get in touch.

Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

You don't seem to particular like him or how he behaves. Move on. A 14 year 'friendship' shouldn't be flogged just because it's lasted 14 years.

Take this opportunity to move on and find new people to socialise with. I don't see any benefit to you in trying to approach him.

rainbowtrout

There are two issues here. Firstly, you don't seem to particularly like this guy and it had been coming to a head in recent years. The weekend in the Czech Republic was the final push.

What happened with this woman - well without knowing the ins and outs of how she interacted with both of you on the night you met, she may not have been as interested as you thought if she was kissing your friend at the first opportunity. What you did afterwards wasn't nice, and could have been dealt with in a far better way.

You probably did need to cut the cord with this guy, only it happened in a way which you hadn't planned and you don't like coming out of it looking like the bad guy. Let it go, you weren't that interested in hanging around with him by the sounds of it.

baby and crumble

AnotherFriendStory wrote: »

(aged 35, he will go to venues in Dublin where he now lives to find and sleep with foreign women rather than cultivate any sort of longer-term relationship with an Irish woman who he doesn't like, for example).

off topic perhaps, but this statement says a lot about you. Why should he force himself to cultivate a relationship with someone he doesn't like? That sounds really weird the way you've said that tbh.

The entire thing just sounds so childish - on both your parts.

Rubberchikken

he sounds immature and not the type of person anyone could seriously call a friend.
tbh you'd be a lot better off letting go of him and living your life.

GingerLily

You've blocked him, so it's not his place to ask to meet you at Christmas.

I think you come out looking much worse out of this interaction then your friend, you sent abusive messages to her about her and your friend, what did you think would happen?

You don't seem to like him, it sounds like you've out grown each other either way.

blairbear

I would be far, far more worried about the abusive messages you sent to this woman that you weren't exclusive with, and that owed you nothing.

She was hardly that into you on the first night if she kissed your friend.

You never even bothered to apologise to the lady either.

She wasn’t that interested in you in the first place if she killed your buddy when you went to the bar.

Your pal got action, you didn’t. He’s still in touch with her while you tried having a go <snip> and made a mess of that by sending abusive messages to her.

You should probably take a harder look at yourself before you blame him, her or anyone else. From what you’ve written, I don’t think he did anything wrong. <snip>

blairbear

<snip>

Quoted post edited

con___manx1

You shouldn't let a girl come between friends. Women come and go. I was with a girl years ago in Ireland then moved abroad. One of my friends got with her after I left. He now has two kids with her and is happy 8 years later. I did like the girl and was a bit mad but I was the one who decided to leave. I never held it against my friend. I do find it a bit Awkward talkin to his misses sometimes tho even now.
To be honest your friend shouldnt be annoyed you went on dates with that girl. You should not have sent nasty texts to her.
Id talk to your friend and see can the friendship be saved.

woodchuck

Mod note:

JayZeus, I've edited your post as it does not meet the standard required in PI.

.......

Do you not think that you were in the wrong to pursue a woman that your friend had so recently had a bit of a romance with?

I wouldnt go near anyone who had just been with one of my friends, not unless a lot of time had passed and I was certain that the friend would be cool with it. Ive never been able to understand friendship groups that play pass the parcel with very recent partners.

On top of that it sounds like you dont like him too much or how he behaves.

You also seem to be blaming him on your own lack of success - why didnt you make your move on the woman you thought liked you rather than feel he had snatched her away, he isnt there to facilitate your relationships with women, he looked after his own interests on the night, as you should have for yourself.

Overall I cant really see why you would be bothered trying to make amends with him when it sounds like you dont really like him at all anyway.

ginandtonicsky

This woman is immaterial. More than likely neither of ye will end up with her. If it wasn't her though, it would've been something else trivial that would've killed this friendship - ye both sound pretty fed up of one another tbh.

I had a similar scenario a few years back. Breach of trust and a lifelong friendship dead in the water. We made a few attempts to recover it in recent years, ultimately neither of us was that bothered in the end. Life moves on. People outgrow each other. That's clearly the case here. You resent the man and don't seem to value his friendship, so best to let this one go IME.

For what it's worth, I think you're trying to justify your behaviour by telling yourself this woman was more into you than your former friend tbh. Most women won't readily hook up with the friend of a guy they're into. I think the fact that you got with her without considering your friend shows exactly how much respect you have for him.

ZX7R

To tell the truth it doesn't sound like a true friendship, time for you to mature yourself as a person and move on.

Blocking people's phone numbers or on Facebook etc is really a childish way of egnoring and not facing problems,if you're not able to face your demon's face on you will be running and hiding the rest of your life.

woodchuck

woodchuck wrote: »

Mod note:

JayZeus, I've edited your post as it does not meet the standard required in PI.

That's fair enough. Apologies for creating the need.

dellas1979

You threw a hissy fit over him making a first move.

Did you say to him you liked her/had intentions?

You throw another hissy fit.

You then send nasty messages.

You throw another hissy fit.

Then block him.

And now having another hissy fit over him not contacting you.

Are you for real? As said, doesnt even sound like you like him.

Maybe he ummm is tired of you and your hissy fits?