Too old for marriage?

LegacyUser

Hi,

Looking for some advice here. I've been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life due to depression and isolation. I've been with my current clinician for approx three years now and I'm slowly turning things around. The progression is not 'measurable' - in that I'm still not socialising, or got any friends or relationships - it is just a vague/general feeling of awareness. I'm also on AD's too, which seem to be helping.

I've not been able as yet to make any steps out into the real world. I've got no real interests other than the gym. I have a good job and I am financially secure. This would be partially due to me throwing myself into work in order to avoid facing the darkness of my personal life - long work hours, volunteering for overtime, staying late in the office to be around people, etc.

However, I realise that at my age (41) I've let the best years of my life slip past and wasted them. I've never had any relationships and my friends are all settled down. Gatherings between us now make me feel like a spare wheel and at times uncomfortable/worthless.

What I've been recently discussing with my clinician is whether it is too late for me to be thinking of marriage and family. I think I've missed the boat, she does not (although whether she actually believes that is another thing).
As I've previously stated, I've not had any relationships and currently I'm not actively trying to resolve it. I find online dating just a bit icky and weird (no offence intended to those who use it).

At what age should people give up on marriage? I've spent the vast majority of my life alone and as much as I think I want this, I'm not sure that I could cope with sharing with another person and possibly children. I think I've just gotten too used to my own company and I'm not sure whether I'd be able to adapt and take others into consideration. Although, I see photos and posts online of people I know and their families and I do get jealous. They are similar ages to me and their kids are now at or starting secondary school.

I think that by the time I actually get out into the real world, I'll be too old to find a wife and start a family. Also, at this stage as I start to age more, the risk of birth defects increase as well and being an older parent I'm not sure I could live with myself wondering who would look after that child when we were gone and also that I knew about the risk involved.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I know I need to sort out my isolation first and foremost, but realistically a traditional family is out of reach for me. I know with my issues that I am a worrier and I don't know how I would cope with being a parent - esp if the child had any problems or was bullied or ill, etc.

Not having had any type of a relationship - physical or emotional - means that I've missed the dating scene and I've no real idea as to what type of a person who I'm suited to. I just can't see a conclusion to this in a sufficiently short period of time to make marriage a possibility. Truthfully, am I correct in this?

I have so many regrets and not meeting my current clinician sooner is one. It has been a slow process and I'm not sure that I'll be helped any time soon. As I get older, the opportunities get increasingly less for socialising. Even travel is now getting more difficult as I age.

I don't know what people think or how much they suspect about me, but I feel like a failure and it is now getting to the point where I sometimes think that having a relationship would be now more embarrassing than not having one.

milli milli

At what age should people give up on marriage?

Never. People get married at all ages. I once met a woman getting married for the first time in her seventies!
We are living in a different time now - there is actually a significant percentage of marriages now with people in their 40s and older. So you need to throw out this limited thinking.

First of all congratulations on seeking help for your issues. That is the first step. You also need to stop measuring your self worth from whether you have a partner or not. Your self worth comes from you and you alone.
I know it must be difficult to have never had a relationship but it is not too late. Keep going to your counsellor and work in building your self. Become the person you would like to date - that way you will have a lot to offer that person.
Expand your social circle to include more single people - it’s hard not to compare when you’re surrounded by couples.

Regarding children - you may have a conventional family; a man has a larger time window in that regards, or you may meet someone who already has children, you could also adopt or indeed decide not to have kids either - children are not for everyone and really need to be given a great deal of thought before having them - it is a significant lifestyle change and doesn’t suit everyone.

Live your life as you see fit, free yourself from society’s timetable.
It does take some adjusting to go from long term single to being in a relationship but keep an open mind and be willing to compromise.

As I get older, the opportunities get increasingly less for socialising. Even travel is now getting more difficult as I age.

Yes opportunities get less as you get older but they don’t stop. You need to be more proactive in getting out there. Not everything needs to revolve around the pub. Volunteering, joining all sorts of clubs (sports, art & culture, etc), drama societies, choirs, tag rugby, etc. I’m not really a fan of Facebook but it does have a local & national Events feature - I’ve often come across some interesting things to do on this, e.g. Candlelit walk up a mountain, Watch rescued seals being released back into the sea, Beach cleanups - just some of the things ive come across.

I’m not sure what you mean by travel getting more difficult as you age?

SusieBlue

I think you should focus on finding and building a relationship with a woman you like and want to spend time with before you start worrying about marriage.
As for whether you are too old or not, of course you aren't. Love knows no age. But you need to take baby steps here.

ChrissieH

Agree with the above replies, and want to add that while it's not the same situation, my friend is 51 and recently engaged to a man who's 55 - they were both married before, which is why I know it's not the same as your story, but regardless, they still found each other when they were older than you are now, so you absolutely have time to meet someone and form a fantastic relationship with them. I was at a wedding last year where the bride and groom were both 49, first marriage for both of them, and it was a relatively new relationship, so often, the beauty of meeting someone when you're older is that you know who you are and what you want in life, so you feel more confident about making big decisions that might have taken years when you were younger and less sure of yourself.

Definitely the most important thing is getting yourself happy and well before you try to take on this new task of finding a partner. And you haven't wasted your life unless you continue to repeat your old patterns, which you've now already stopped, so don't be hard on yourself. You're doing all the right things, just because you're doing them now instead of 10 years ago doesn't take from the good job you're doing!

santana75

lonely123 wrote: »

I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I know I need to sort out my isolation first and foremost, but realistically a traditional family is out of reach for me. I know with my issues that I am a worrier and I don't know how I would cope with being a parent - esp if the child had any problems or was bullied or ill, etc.

This is the crux of the matter Op. You are literally tying yourself into knots thinking about all the possible outcomes from everything. You have become lost in your own mind and your fears about life. The bad news is you will never resolve those problems thinking about them, trying to fix them from the sidelines. You said it yourself, you've been in and out of therapy most of your life. At some stage you have to admit that the thinking and fixing approach isnt working. The good news is simple: When you face your fears life starts to get better and bigger. Thats not some pop psychology quote either, its a universal truth. You're terrified its too late to get married, have kids, but what if the kids are bullied? How will I cope? I have no relationship experience, Im getting older, nobody will want me, my options are getting more and more limited as time goes by, and on and on and on.........Do you see how your own mind is perpetuating your fears. Its blowing everything up into a complete disaster. Your options are fine. They do not diminish as you age. But if you let this idea get into your mind it will become your reality. Theres a great book by James Allen called, "As a man thinketh so shall he be". You should read this book. In fact you should get the audio book and listen to it over and over, every day until you understand that you are the one who decides all of this. All things are possible, but you have to really go after life and take it on. You can't sit around thinking about it and you absolutely can't sit around worrying. Thats a death trap. Whatever it is you're afraid of, face it. If you do you'll see something magical will happen. Life will start to reward you and work with you, it will meet you half way. But it wont come to you. You have to face everything. Theres a quote that comes to mind: If you try to save your life, you'll lose it, but if you lose it you'll save it.........meaning, if you dont take risks your life will be lost and amount to nothing. Look around you, the people who do anything with their lives have all taken risks. Come out of your own mind and into your body. I would suggest cutting back on talk therapy and ask your therapist to engage with you in somatic body work instead. You have to feel whats going on in your body, this way you make friends with it and not run away into your head all the time. If youre in your body then you are engaged with the world, but if youre in your mind you are checked out and gone.

LegacyUser

milli milli wrote: »

Expand your social circle to include more single people - it’s hard not to compare when you’re surrounded by couples.

Volunteering, joining all sorts of clubs (sports, art & culture, etc), drama societies, choirs, tag rugby, etc.

My problem is that I currently have no social life at any level - going out approx 2 - 3 times per year. I can't get over this inital hump.

I’m not sure what you mean by travel getting more difficult as you age?

I find the most people my age travelling are couples etc. I'm not willing to do the whole group tour thing again - done it in my 20's and didn't like the restrictions of it in terms of having to follow someone elses plan and be part of a group continuously.

Definitely the most important thing is getting yourself happy

The ting is I don't know if I am or not. Meaing that I'm not sure if a relationship/family will 'complete' things or whether it will be an additional burden that I cannot or do not want to deal with.

Theres a great book by James Allen called, "As a man thinketh so shall he be"

I read Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers, but nothing happened for me.

I would suggest cutting back on talk therapy and ask your therapist to engage with you in somatic body work instead

I'll ask her about it. I've just done a quick read up on it and I'm still none the wiser.

BBFAN

What interests and hobbies do you have OP?

LegacyUser

BBFAN wrote: »

What interests and hobbies do you have OP?

I have no real interests. I go to the gym in the evenings, but that is it. My days are spent at work, then gym, then back to my rented apartment, where I spend the remainder of the evening watching TV or on internet.

I used to enjoy travel, but I had a slight 'freakout' moment on a recent trip due to loneliness and I've now lost the bug for travelling - especially as I'd be doing it alone.

At weekends I stay with my parents and help them in house/farm. It is a 'tradition' and now 'expected' as I do nothing else.

BBFAN

lonely123 wrote: »

I have no real interests. I go to the gym in the evenings, but that is it. My days are spent at work, then gym, then back to my rented apartment, where I spend the remainder of the evening watching TV or on internet.

I used to enjoy travel, but I had a slight 'freakout' moment on a recent trip due to loneliness and I've now lost the bug for travelling - especially as I'd be doing it alone.

At weekends I stay with my parents and help them in house/farm. It is a 'tradition' and now 'expected' as I do nothing else.

Okay, well I was going to suggest a group called Meetup, it's online and people meet up in groups, sometimes it's around going to the cinema or whatever.

Sometimes though it's just for coffee or a drink, might me an idea?

Finchie1276

Hi
I re read you r post a few times and here is what jumps out at me.

It is great you have a therapist but I think three years is a long time to be seeing someone with so little progress.
Think of it in terms of a sore leg - if you went to a physio for 3 years it would be wildly out of order when you could expect resolution of that leg injury in a few weeks but a good physio would give you exercise drills, rehab and get you on a (probably painful at first) programme to change your posture, strengthen muscles etc. I know your issues are far more complex than a sore leg but at the same time I think you are not being challenged enough.

Secondly, you keep doing what you always did and you will always get what you always got - there is no need not to travel, there is no need to worry like you did/ do, there is no need to go to your parents every weekend. These are all choices you make and the discomfort of making them is outweighed by the (limiting) safety they give you.

If it were me I would be looking at a CBT therapist and looking at blocks of therapy with specific goals. I would be very clear on writing down and prioritorising my issues and accepting of actioning each with a timeframe.

i'd prepare myself to be uncomfortable but I'd still do it because the outcome is more important than the process.

Think ing about who or why you cant get married t o is futurising and is a worry tactic. Maybe you wont get married, maybe you will - worrying about it will not change the outcome.

The number 1 priority would be to go to a really good CBT therapist. Your therapist sounds like they are happy to coast along.

zoobizoo

Stop going to your folks on weekend.... just stop doing it.

Even if you don't have anything planned. It's a really easy option but a bad habit.

If they ask, tell them that you have something on.


Gym - are there any social classes at the gym? Or, are there any team sports you could get involved in?



I married at 43... and had a kid at 46.... It's not too late.

Aware run CBT programmes, they just opened up a new course for registration. Starts at the end of January and you can do it in person or online. They ask for a €30 deposit which they'll refund if you ask, but I imagine most people give it as a donation. It's no harm to try it. All the details are on their website.

LegacyUser

BBFAN wrote: »

Okay, well I was going to suggest a group called Meetup, it's online and people meet up in groups, sometimes it's around going to the cinema or whatever.

Sometimes though it's just for coffee or a drink, might me an idea?

I've previously joined Meetup, but TBH there was nothing of interest in my area that I would liked to have gone to.
In the past, I've 'forced' myself to go to cookery, languages, etc in order to get out and about and I really did not enjoy the hassle of it all.
I appreciate that this sounds negative, but it is my thoughts on it.

If it were me I would be looking at a CBT therapist and looking at blocks of therapy with specific goals. I would be very clear on writing down and prioritising my issues and accepting of actioning each with a timeframe.

I've been through a number of therapists in the past, including CBT. At the time it didn't work for me.

Stop going to your folks on weekend.... just stop doing it.

Even if you don't have anything planned. It's a really easy option but a bad habit.

I have nothing in my area/apartment and I feel isolated and lonely. At least at home, I have people to talk with and things to do.

Gym - are there any social classes at the gym? Or, are there any team sports you could get involved in? /quote]
I have no real interest in sports. I don't even watch sports on TV. I'm not sure what you mean by social classes. I've undertaken classes before at the gym - people come in do their class and leave. Noone hangs around for coffees or chats if that is what you mean.

Katgurl

You are absolutely 100% not too old for marriage. In fact you are a very desirable age to meet a woman who is looking to settle down with someone and have children.

If you are a regular gym goer you must be fit. Can you join some fitness related groups such as smaller circuit training gyms or hiking groups.

Before my partner and I met he joined a hiking group and I believe he had a graaand old time with a few ladies there before we met. He was 46 then. He is 49 now and we have a beautiful baby.

zoobizoo

"I really did not enjoy the hassle of it"

Well life can be a hassle.

Dating can be a hassle.

Learning new things can be a hassle.

Doing CBT to improve your way of thinking can be a hassle.



The Cooking; languages and sport are means to meeting new people, potential friends and a future partner..... But if it's too much of a hassle for you then maybe the solitary l8fe is for you.

Finchie1276

Hiya

I think your therapist is only making you dependent and not challenging you. If you are to improve you haver to do things outside YOUR comfort zone. What do you mean when you say 'hassle'? I think it is a convenient way to say you are afraid to try new things. I hope you can find the space to go do new things but you are putting blocks in front of yourself and the therapist is not helping you.

LegacyUser

The Cooking; languages and sport are means to meeting new people, potential friends and a future partner..... But if it's too much of a hassle for you then maybe the solitary l8fe is for you.

What I found at these was that the majority of these people were doing it for a variety of reasons - many of which was to actually get away from people. Eg it was their turn to get out from the kids, they were genuinely interested in the subject, etc.
Secondly, I was never actually all that bothered about the topic and was using it as a means to an end in order to meet people. Therefore I had invested nothing into the subject and I lacked the conviction to attend - hence why I said it was a hassle.
Not everyone who goes to nightclasses is looking for relationships - platonic or romantic.
My opinion is that you need to be doing something that you are interested in and enjoy and anything from transpires from that would be a bonus. However, doning something you don't really like in the hope that something might happen is not a good plan, in my opinion.

What do you mean when you say 'hassle'?

I am not used to socialising and I get anxious about going out. Last year, I went out approx 5 - 8 times all year. Some of those (maybe even the majority) would have been to work events.
I find it stressful. I usually enjoy it when I am out, although the stress and worry takes the value out of it.
I try to avoid alcohol situations as I am a bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and when I was younger I had a tendency to drink to excess as an excuse to avoid approaching females when I was younger.

I have no real interests in anything. I'm a bit 'meh' about most things.

To be fair to my therapist we have discussed progress and she has said on numerous occassions that she thinks I want to leave and she will help me to leave. However, I don't want to go as I've been around the houses with previous therapists who gave up on me and sent me on to the next one.

beertons

My father's uncle got married when he was 80, to his partner who was 19 years his junior. They were together for years, didn't see any rush. He passed away at 103, 10 years after his wife died.

zoobizoo

lonely123 wrote: »

I was never actually all that bothered ........ was using it as a means to an end in order to meet people. Therefore I had invested nothing ........ I lacked the conviction to attend

My opinion is that you need to be doing something that you are interested in

I am not used to socialising and I get anxious about going out.


I have no real interests in anything. I'm a bit 'meh' about most things.

However, I don't want to go as I've been around the houses with previous therapists .

Cooking and language classes are two great ways to interact with people - if that's your goal, which it appears to be, then suck up a bit of boredom in order to meet people. I took a Spanish course in a new city - not because I really really wanted to learn Spanish, but because I wanted to meet people (which I did)


"I have no real interests in anything. I'm a bit 'meh' about most things".....
So what would anyone get from engaging with you? Why would anyone want to be your friend? Why would anyone want to date you? What's in it for them?

Books? Music, Tech? TV? Pottery? Dungeons & Dragons? Comedy? Gigs? Bridge? Poker? In a world as interesting and diverse as ours, you are interested in nothing?


Some events will be challenging - that's how we learn to cope, by facing our challenges head on.

I was like you in my teens to early 20s (social anxiety etc)... I challenged myself by going travelling around the world on my own. By interacting with strangers on a daily basis, I learned how to cope, learned techniques to start conversations, learned the types of people I liked and didn't like, learned what I liked about myself and what I didn't like.

I took up a hobby or two, I started my own business, I had things to talk about... I was less "meh" about things.


Your Therapy
3 years with the same therapist with little progress? You are relying on them to change you and they cannot do that for you. You have to do that for yourself.


I'd advise you to buy 2 books:

The Feeling Good Handbook (you could do the exercises with a therapist) and The Road Less Traveled.

Location
Where do you live? Are you in an isolated area? Do you drive?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Cooking and language classes are two great ways to interact with people - if that's your goal, which it appears to be, then suck up a bit of boredom in order to meet people. I took a Spanish course in a new city - not because I really really wanted to learn Spanish, but because I wanted to meet people (which I did)

I've tried a number of courses/classes and did not speak with one person throughout - outside of the internal class interactions.

So what would anyone get from engaging with you? Why would anyone want to be your friend? Why would anyone want to date you? What's in it for them?

Not very much. I'm not a great conversationalist. I've no interesting stories. I don't socialise. I've not got a social circle. No interests or hobbies. I'm getting better at smallchat, but I still find it painful. Don't watch any box sets. I'm slim/athletic, but at my age that will only last for a year or two more, before father time catches up with me.
I've never had a relationship so I'm a clean sheet
What's not to like???

Books? Music, Tech? TV? Pottery? Dungeons & Dragons? Comedy? Gigs? Bridge? Poker? In a world as interesting and diverse as ours, you are interested in nothing?

Rarely read a book.
I only listen to radio. No favourite bands or artists. Only been to a few concerts/gigs - meh.
I work in tech, but outside of work, I don't engage with it.
I watch the news and re-runs of Wheeler Dealers, etc. I don't follow soaps or Netflix series etc.
No.
Definitely not.
Used to go to comedy nights, but got noone to go with now.
Gigs as in music? No.
No.
No.
Correct. I'm disinterested in most things, sometime including life. Although I'm on Citalopram now so my mood is quite good.

Your Therapy
3 years with the same therapist with little progress? You are relying on them to change you and they cannot do that for you. You have to do that for yourself.

I was not far off suicidal with a real fncked up thought process 3 years ago. I've come a long way in that time with my Psychoanalyst.

I'd advise you to buy 2 books:

The Feeling Good Handbook (you could do the exercises with a therapist) and The Road Less Traveled.

I'll look into them, although I'm not a big reader.

Location
Where do you live? Are you in an isolated area? Do you drive?

In a city, but it is more isolating than out in the country. Yes, I drive a bit.

Faith

Can you describe to us what you would like your life to be like? Give a description of an ideal week if you can.


(Also, have you posted here before about therapy? If you have, and you’re the poster I’m thinking of, I notice a pretty significant change for the better in your post content, so well done for that!)

zl1whqvjs75cdy

Mate you are 41 not 101. There's loads of life to be lived yet. Get out there and enjoy it.

zoobizoo

lonely123 wrote: »

I'll look into them, although I'm not a big reader.

If you have all this time on your hands, and you have nothing else going on, why don't you invest your time in reading?

I've suggested two books which should be of value to you. The Feeling Good handbook is a practical handbook with exercises.


Why not challenge yourself to read a book a week?


It sounds like you need some experiences: get up on Saturday morning and go watch the sunrise.... head to the west coast and do a day's surfing lessons... the more you do the more chances you'll find something that you are interested in.

If your end goal is marriage, or just friendship, you have to begin doing things.

blindside88

Op, first off congrats on emseekimg help with your issues.

I don’t believe it’s ever too late for marriage but I wouldn’t be looking at marriage as a goal. Instead look for someone you are happy to spend time with and if it leads to marriage so be it.

As regards expanding your social circle I would strongly recommend looking at tag rugby, you don’t need any previous experience, you obviously have some level of fitness from the gym. There are always teams looming for new players and most people don’t know each other before joining the team. There are usually nights out associated with this and it would really help you to meet new people. I have a team and of the 12 people involved there are only 2 of us there from the initial team 5 years ago, the rest are people that we didn’t previously know.

Best of luck to you

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Can you describe to us what you would like your life to be like? Give a description of an ideal week if you can.

Not much different to what it is like now. Other than once every week or so to go out to movies or pool/snooker during week. Outings on Saturday night. Maybe something to do on every 3rd or 4th Sunday. A weekend trip once per quarter.
An ability to get through work and tasks without a lot of procrastinating.
Receding hairline to grow back.:)

(Also, have you posted here before about therapy? If you have, and you’re the poster I’m thinking of, I notice a pretty significant change for the better in your post content, so well done for that!)

Yes, I have posted here on this therapy - including this same therapist.

I've suggested two books which should be of value to you. The Feeling Good handbook is a practical handbook with exercises.

I'll see about getting this. Like I said above, I procrastinate.

It sounds like you need some experiences: get up on Saturday morning and go watch the sunrise.... head to the west coast and do a day's surfing lessons... the more you do the more chances you'll find something that you are interested in.

If your end goal is marriage, or just friendship, you have to begin doing things.

Yes, it is just scary and a lot of effort to break out of the rut I'm in. This might be easy for you, but doing the above is a monumental task for me.

Best of luck to you

Thanks. This is a very slow process and I'm not sure that it will ever end unfortunately.

Bobtheman

Marriage is not some nirvana. It can be complicated. Answers as many questions as it throws up. But age should be no barrier.

zoobizoo

lonely123 wrote: »

I'll see about getting this. Like I said above, I procrastinate.

Who doesn't procrastinate.

What's there to see about?

Choose to either do or don't.

Decide "I'm going to get those" or "I'm not going to get those".


If you decide to get them, go onto Amazon and order them. If you decide not to, then don't.

"This might be easy for you, but doing the above is a monumental task for me."

If you are to get out of your rut, you need to start doing tasks and challenges.

The choice is yours.