Fight with friend

Whitethread

I’ve had a bit of a rough year and lately I’ve had some dark thoughts but I haven’t discussed them with anyone. This New Years I went out with a friend, someone I’ve been friends with my whole life. I confided in her that I’d been feeling suicidal and struggling with depression. I drank way too much and admit that I probably ruined the night by going on about how bad I’ve been feeling, but it wasn’t the whole night, we did have fun too but certainly I did talk about feeling depressed. Eventually I vomited, which is incredibly embarrassing for a girl in her late twenties and I’m very ashamed. My friend brought me outside and I started crying and said I was sorry I got sick and I’ve been not been doing well etc. She then snapped and called me a martyr, and said to stop playing the victim. Then she said I had behaved like a dickhead and ruined her night.

I am devastated. I hold my hands up that after a few drinks I got upset and probably put a dampener on our evening. I apologised the next day and told her I’d like to get coffee and clear the air, she said she’s sorry she lost her cool but hasn’t taken me up on the coffee.

I’d like to mention I’ve never done this before with her. I spoke to another close friend who said her reaction was out of line but I feel very much to blame. I’m confused now and can’t tell who was wrong. I feel really ashamed of myself though and wish I’d said nothing.

Springfields

You shouldn't be ashamed of opening up to a friend but doing it when both of ye had alcohol on board probably wasn't the best idea. She probably had high expectations of a great night (some people tend to think NYE is a big deal ?) So she was p1ssed off when you got serious. However that doesn't excuse her from treating you so badly. If ye are truly friends give her a chance to cool off and suggest coffee again. If She still doesn't reply there isn't a lot you can do unfortunately. Maybe she isn't in a good place herself and can't take on your issues right now. How about confiding in someone else for now you obviously have a lot on your plate.and you need to talk to someone...professional helpline perhaps ? Best of luck

SirChenjin

Seek help for the dark thoughts, and depression, counselling should help.
That's number one. You need to look after your health.

Give the friend a bit of time and space. Don't brood over it. Nothing can be done about it now. It seems bigger in your mind, the more you think about it. Alcohol can skew things, so she probably isn't feeling great either about her own reaction.

Look after yourself.

wiggle16

Your friend was absolutely out of line. You confided in her and she threw it back at you in a very mean and hurtful way.

It would be one thing if you turned every night out or social event into a sob-story session. At that point a person can get worn out and decide they've had enough. But you didn't do that, this was your first time telling her. You got too drunk, you got upset, you got sick - that can happen to anyone, it's not something to be ashamed of or beat yourself up over. It doesn't warrant the reaction she gave you.

A lot of the time people do not know how to react when hearing something like this for the first time, particularly if they had no suspicions of it beforehand, and can say things that sound hurtful or stupid or dismissive. Calling someone a martyr and playing the victim is a bit of an extreme reaction to someone who is distressed - she was definitely out of line. If one of my friends told me something like this, my last concern would be whether I could say I had a good night out or not.

I think she owes you quite an apology either way, but in the first instance I would give her the benefit of the doubt and take it as a very poor reaction to what you told her, with alcohol added, and give her some space (though she should be the one approaching you to apologise, imho).

If she still thinks you were just being a martyr or is dismissive of it, I wouldn't be so eager to call her a friend. A friend is under no obligation to take on your issues, but if you cannot confide in her, or expect her to take you seriously, then what's the point in calling her a close friend?

The link below has a list of support services you may find helpful, I would strongly encourage you to engage with them:
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293

Big Bag of Chips

Yesterday was only 1 day after New Year's Day. She may not have intentionally avoided the coffee, she may just be busy. Or she may be awkward about how she reacted to you. Drink caused you to behave out of character and you are embarrassed. It also may have caused her to act out of character and she may be embarrassed. I assume if you chose to tell her then she has been a good friend yo you in the past.

She may be going through her own stuff that made her impatient and lash out at you. It's not nice, but she's only human too.

I think your friendship has the potential to recover. But I think you will both have to endure a period of awkwardness first. Text her as you normally would. If you usually text chit chat occasionally, do that. Carry on as you normally would. And maybe next week try arrange a coffee/lunch again.

Mr. Incognito

If you are feeling low then burdening your pal on New Years when they probably had a night planned is not a great idea.

That said if they had any character they would have been there for you.

I would seek treatment for your issues, professionally and prioritise that.

Your friend will come around. If they don't then no loss.

Xterminator

Hi Op

There is a good time and place to discuss how you are feeling and unburden yourself. and of course it sounds like you really needed to.

But new years eve, on a night out & with alcohol taken was probably not the right time and place. getting so drunk you vomited was probably the icing on the cake as far as the night went.

So on balance i can understand if your friend thought it killed the night for her. However if she is a real friend you would expect she gets over that fairly quickly. i dont think your friend was "absolutely out of line" as another poster put it, but they also have a friend in need - you.

I'd give a little space and see how this plays out. A good friend will come around.

however you probably need to prioritise your own mental health. Start looking after yourself. So please please drop into your GP and tell them how you have been feeling, about suicidal thoughts and get the professional help you need. If you get really low, eg suicidal thoughts low - call the samaritans, and speak with them.