Unhappy with sex life with new boyfriend

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

I would love to get some opinions on this.

I met my bf a few months back. We’re both mid-30s. So far, most things in the relationship are going well. He is funny and cute and we have fun hanging out.

However, our sex life is just not doing if for me. At the start, it was fun and passionate but I quickly realised that there are only 2 positions which he is happy for us to have sex in. I hate saying it but I am starting to find having sex with him a bit boring because I know exactly what is coming next and in what order.

After being intimate a few times, I suggested trying a new position. This suggestion got shot down very quickly. He told me wasnt that keen on it that particular position as it was difficult for him to get into position. Ok fair enough. Disappointing for me because I really enjoy that position but if hes not into it hes not into in. (Just to add, I wasnt suggesting anything crazy, its a fairly common position I would have thought.)

At another point in the future, I suggested us having sex another way and again, it was point blank refusal. He said he was happy with the more “basic” positions (for want of a better word) and nearly seemed annoyed at me for bringing this up again.

I’m starting to feel very frustrated and lacking in enthusiaism for sex with him at this point. I still have sex with him but I feel I am going through the motions a bit with it all.

I want to bring all of this up with him but I’m not sure when and how. Up to now, Ive tried bringing it up when we’re in the middle of doing the deed. This hasnt gone down well so maybe this isnt the best time? I am also unsure of how to bring it up. I feel if I were to be completely honest with him, I would hurt his feelings. Who wants go be told it is boring to have sex with them? I know I need more tact and sensitivity but I am unsure on to do that.

Any advice?

Xterminator

Hi Op

when you made your suggestions were you being pre-intimate, or were you fully clothed and chatting? it might make a difference if you speak at the right time? (it might not)

because you have now on 2 occasions made suggestions and they were shot down. the next step is to be very blunt. No hints no suggestions, simply state you are unfulfilled and its becoming an issue for you. you can tell him you place more value on his making the effort, as opposed to how it goes on the 1st try.

If you don't get the response you need i would consider that to be a put up or shut up ultimatum, and i think you know which of those to select. Im sure you are aware you may be asking him to step out of his comfort zone, but if he places a value on your satisfaction and happiness then there really is only one acceptable response.

osarusan

I wouldn't say that you're unsatisfied or bored. That would cause him to get defensive pretty quickly.

Do you/could you watch some porn together to get some ideas (ideas that actually you already have)? A kind of 'wow, that looks great, I think that would be a great position for me, let's try it next time' approach. It could also lead on to a wider conversation of what things give him the most pleasure. You could impress upon him that you want to make him feel as good as possible and want to find out how best to do that...and hopefully he will start asking the same questions of you.

But that leads on to a more fundamental question. Do you think that he feels he does his best to satisfy you? Is your enjoyment something that he would consider very important to him?

Mickey Mike

Any woman who's not happy in the bedroom department needs to change the Bull.

The Princess Bride

Twice you've brought it up and twice he has knocked back your suggestions.
To be blunt, being cute, funny and having fun hanging out; only takes you further in a relationship, in my experience, if there's also sexual compatibility.

I've been in your shoes, and I walked away because nothing was ever gonna change.

Savage_Henry

That would be a huge deal breaker for me. If its not in him - i wouldnt bother.

LegacyUser

Is it about wanting a range of positions or is he not satisfying you? If it's just the positions.for the sake of them, I'd say let.it be for now and i'd hang in there and try ease new styles in over time.

If he doesn't get you off and you know certain positions will do that, or at least be more enjoyable, and it's not pushing his boundaries too much to try (ie asking him to strap on a dildo or dress in leather..you know what I mean, something that most ppl would find a bit much of they're used to vanilla...)...I'd honestly be gone. Loads of guys get away with bad sex and not trying to please. Loads of other guys are willing to meet you half way, and genuinely will try make sure you're needs are met - go find those guys instead

professore

In my experience peak experimentation sexually is at the start of a relationship. If he's so vanilla now he will only get worse or shut off sex altogether as things progress.

Sunflower 27

The issue for me would be his flat refusal to try anything for you. Ok, maybe it isn't the best for him but hell, you deserve to be satisfied as well!!!

I think he's selfish, sorry. And that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Dalomanakora

Tbh I wouldn't even discuss it anymore.


Twice you've asked to try something, twice he point blank refused. He's shown he's only happy with sex on his terms, and who the hell wants to stay with a man who's so selfish in bed?


If he tried them with you and didn't enjoy it, there's room to work, but not even trying something that would pleasure you? Nah, feck that, find a less selfish man.

Ursus Horribilis

This has probably cost him previous relationships too.

If you're bored already and he's not willing to change, this is already doomed.

Esse85

He sounds quiet immature, has he had previous relationships?

Pintman Paddy Losty

He sounds like he's doing OK if he's hitting 2 out of the 3 positions?

Which one is he leaving out of on top, underneath and doggy?

Springfields

Way too early in your relationship to be bored...If he isn't willing to try something new or at least discuss with you , it doesn't look good imo.

Floppybits

Op are you suggestion outrageous stuff like him hanging from hooks in the ceiling or wearing a gimp suit or something like that that he may not be comfortable with or are these just lets say normal position outside of missionary?

If it is just that he is not going to try something then and you are bored and especially at the start of a relationship, I think you need to have a serious talk with him and if he is not going to change then dump him. The fun of sex is trying things and seeing if they work or don't.

EdgeCase

It's very hard to offer any advice without knowing what you're asking this guy to do.

Have other guys been willing to do it?

Are these very strange / unusual positions that require contortions?

It's possible the positions you're asking for are just not practical for him - could be physically uncomfortable or even unpleasant - maybe he's a bad back?

You'd need to discuss this further with him.

Also if the sex is basically ok and you're bored maybe it's time to move on? It could be that you're just not compatible and have totally different expectations in the bedroom. That's likely nothing to do with him trying to do stuff on his terms, rather you're just not enjoying the same things the same way.

I mean guys aren't actually all some kind of sex machines, despite the porn image and the bravado factor a lot of the time it's all about the snuggling and the romantic side. Different personalities, different expectations and different people.

What is very satisfying for one person could be mundane for the next. I don’t think trying to force or gilt trip some guy to do something that’s not his thing is very reasonable either tbh.

neonsofa

professore wrote: »

In my experience peak experimentation sexually is at the start of a relationship. If he's so vanilla now he will only get worse or shut off sex altogether as things progress.

I've always found the opposite, becoming more open to experimentation as things progress/become more comfortable. However if chemistry isn't there in the beginning then it rarely develops. But if it has already been discussed and he just doesn't seem to care then it doesnt look good going forward.

pwurple

Dalomanakora wrote: »

Tbh I wouldn't even discuss it anymore.


Twice you've asked to try something, twice he point blank refused. He's shown he's only happy with sex on his terms, and who the hell wants to stay with a man who's so selfish in bed?


If he tried them with you and didn't enjoy it, there's room to work, but not even trying something that would pleasure you? Nah, feck that, find a less selfish man.

Ah now, that’s a bit harsh. What if the tables were the other way around here, a fella wanted to have a go at anal with a girl who had absolutely no interest. Asked her twice. Would she be called selfish and be dumped? That’s an awful judgement to make on very little information.

If he’s not into it, I propose finding something else that he is into.

And yes, talk about it when you’re not in the middle of it. No need to be embarrassed talking about sex.

wirelessdude01

Being awful nosey, but I'd love to know what are the things he is refusing to do?

neonsofa

pwurple wrote: »

Ah now, that’s a bit harsh. What if the tables were the other way around here, a fella wanted to have a go at anal with a girl who had absolutely no interest. Asked her twice. Would she be called selfish and be dumped? That’s an awful judgement to make on very little information.

If he’s not into it, I propose finding something else that he is into.

And yes, talk about it when you’re not in the middle of it. No need to be embarrassed talking about sex.

Anal is quite different to switching positions in fairness. If the op had asked him to try pegging or whatever and he said no then you'd have a fair comparison.

If you switch the genders with a girl only wanting to do missionary and cowgirl, and refusing to even discuss trying anything else, then I don't think the responses would be hugely different tbh.

GingerLily

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Being awful nosey, but I'd love to know what are the things he is refusing to do?

Its kind of hard to know what advise to give without having a rough of what the requests were.

If it's just a change of position, thats safe and easy to do, then I don't understand why he wouldn't try it with her, or suggest something else different that they're comfortable with.

Maybe he is body conscious or something?

vectorvictor

What are you asking him to do?

If you are stuck on sideways and missionary I can understand boredom setting in.

Can you find a middle ground or ask him to make a suggestion that's different from your norm?

You sound more interested in the mechanics of the sex than the partner so maybe review that.

suicide_circus

break up, there are loads of cute funny single men in their mid 30s out there and you're bound to be sexually compatible with several of them

pwurple

neonsofa wrote: »

Anal is quite different to switching positions in fairness. If the op had asked him to try pegging or whatever and he said no then you'd have a fair comparison.

If you switch the genders with a girl only wanting to do missionary and cowgirl, and refusing to even discuss trying anything else, then I don't think the responses would be hugely different tbh.

Well we don't know at all you see. Someone's vanilla is someone else's way out there. That's kinda my point.

Straight in with the Dump Him, is a bit hasty on very little info.

neonsofa

pwurple wrote: »

Well we don't know at all you see. Someone's vanilla is someone else's way out there. That's kinda my point.

Straight in with the Dump Him, is a bit hasty on very little info.

We know he is only happy to do 2 positions. It's not about being "vanilla", nothing at all wrong with vanilla if it's what they both want, but 2 positions is not what op wants and she has communicated that to him but he has decided that he wants to continue with the status quo, despite the fact that OP is unhappy with that. Usually advice would be communicate before calling it quits, which op has done.

Dtp1979

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote: »

He sounds like he's doing OK if he's hitting 2 out of the 3 positions?

Which one is he leaving out of on top, underneath and doggy?

You do realise there’s more than 3 yeah?

wirelessdude01

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote:

He sounds like he's doing OK if he's hitting 2 out of the 3 positions?

Pintman Paddy Losty wrote:

Which one is he leaving out of on top, underneath and doggy?

Think the boyfriend may have made an appearance on the thread ðŸ˜ðŸ˜

Emme

Mickey Mike wrote: »

Any woman who's not happy in the bedroom department needs to change the Bull.

:D:D:D:D

OP you and your bf may not be compatible in the bedroom. You might be happier with somebody more adventurous and he might suit somebody with a little less imagination who is happy to lie there and count the cracks in the ceiling or the wrinkles on the pillowcase once a month.

Have a chat with him. If he isn't willing to try anything new (this is his choice) then move on. If you aren't at it like rabbits now and you aren't improving each other's repertoire then it's downhill from now on.

Yellow pack crisps

A bigger problem is his lack of cooperation in having a conversation about it. He knows you’re unhappy, twice you have brought it up. I doubt you will be happy in the long term to be frankly honest.

professore

neonsofa wrote: »

I've always found the opposite, becoming more open to experimentation as things progress/become more comfortable. However if chemistry isn't there in the beginning then it rarely develops. But if it has already been discussed and he just doesn't seem to care then it doesnt look good going forward.

I should clarify that with a timespan. I mean if it's really conservative for say the first year it won't get any better, it will only get worse. If it's going to be good it ramps up over a few months in my experience. A distinct lack of enthusiasm veering towards disgust around all things sexual is a big red flag.

neonsofa

professore wrote: »

I should clarify that with a timespan. I mean if it's really conservative for say the first year it won't get any better, it will only get worse. If it's going to be good it ramps up over a few months in my experience. A distinct lack of enthusiasm veering towards disgust around all things sexual is a big red flag.

Oh right, yeah, I'd agree on that!

Sleepy

A good partner should be good, giving, and game. He sounds like none of these things.

Unless he's perfect in every other way and happy for you to find your sexual satisfaction elsewhere, I can't see why on earth you'd stay in this "relationship".