Need help with marriage

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Just wondering if any of you know where or how I can find a marriage guidance counsellor. I have clicked on the sticky for the forum for Relationship Ireland but all that is coming up is a chinese page.

At the moment we are simply two different people living in the same house. I feel that there is no connection with my husband. We got married 11 years ago, nothing has changed for him, he still goes out and has never lost contact with his friends, but for me everything changed, I have moved counties and am at home full-time, rearing our children and helping out with his mother who lives very close to us. She is elderly with dementia.

He works very long hours,he does night time work as well as works in the building trade by day. He has told me that I can go back to work any time I want so long as it does not effect him. When the children are on holidays or if they get sick he will not be available to help out. He says we will loose more money by me working as we do not have child care. Our children are 15 and 10 years old.

He has always made himself available to help out his friends saying that they will in turn help us to finish off our house. We have been living here for 15 years and the place is not finished yet. He has no interest in doing things around the house, over 10 years ago he spent every weekend working on his friends house saying that he would help us finish ours. It was only a few months ago that this friend spent 2 days helping us out. Yet any time his friend needs him he will go and put him before us.

It is only after a row, that we actually spend time together as a family, we normally resolve to spend 1 day a month doing something as a family, it normally only lasts two to three months.

I have found this christmas so very hard, for some reason it has hit me more this year than any other year and I don't know why.

I would be very grateful if any of you could give me some advice as to how I can make things better. Thank you.

woodchuck

OP I think counselling is a good idea. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but it sounds like he's the one making all the decisions. Now that your children are older, it's perfectly reasonable that you'd want to go back to work. In that situation, all additional responsibilities should be split equally. It's very worrying that he says he wouldn't help out with the kids if/when you go back to work - they're his kids too!

As for finding a counselor, the following sticky in the psychology forum may be of use to you:
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055169338

LegacyUser

Thank you very much for the information.

I have brought up the subject with my husband, his reply was that he has no problem going for marriage counselling, but I am not going to like what I hear.

Emme

so lonesome wrote: »

Thank you very much for the information.

I have brought up the subject with my husband, his reply was that he has no problem going for marriage counselling, but I am not going to like what I hear.

Why? Is that supposed to be a threat from him? Whatever he wants to say it is best out in the open rather than festering away inside him.

I think marriage counselling is the best thing you could do at this stage. Make sure to tell the counsellor all you do including helping out with his mother. Write it all down on a piece of paper before you go in. You could show it to your husband before you go in so he can write down any concerns he has.

He sounds completely obsessed with work and totally unwilling to compromise.

Perhaps he is resentful that you don't go back to work (as long as it doesn't affect him) and he has to fund the household. He clearly does not realise all you do as well as caring for his mother some of the time. Counselling should help set this straight.

December2012

Well then go. Both of you go. With the aim of getting on, but you need somebody to help you both communicate better and with kindness

zapper55

You should definitely go. It sounds like a very handy number for him at the moment, you look after his kids and his mother with little input from him while he goes out a good bit. His response about you going back to work wasn't very respectful.