What's happening?

sky76

This man, who is my therapist, had said something to me that made me feel uncertain about how he views me. I had told him once that I liked him as a therapist. Right after I had made that comment, he told me that he was glad that I had said that and that I've always been his favorite client. Another time, I was getting ready to leave a session and he said, "I hope you enjoy this warm weather, such as yourself". Then he quickly fixed what he had said by saying, "such as today". He also tries to find things in common with me. For example, I had told him that I was Greek. Then, he told me that he was Greek too even though he has told me multiple times in the past that he only has Swedish ancestry. Sometimes, with some of the things that I'm interested in, he'd apply some of my interests into his life that he's never been interested in before. For example, if I was really into astrology, he'd start getting into astrology too.

I'm also in group therapy with him. During these group therapy sessions, he'd would always try to sit next to me even when there were other seats open and available for him to sit in next to other clients. I would try to sit somewhere else to see if he'd would follow me and he never fails to sit next to me. If he isn't able to sit next to me at all, he'll stare at me for a long time after the session is over and as I'm getting myself ready to leave. He also mirrors my body language while he's looking and listening to other people within the group. If I sit back in my chair, he sits back in his chair a 3 seconds later. Or , if I rest my hand by my neck, he'll do the same right after me. He's married and I'm single.

Why is he doing all of this?

Sardonicat

Why do you think he is doing these things?

Why do you want to remain his client?

Unanimous

This is not a professional behaviour.
Not sure what reason you are taking therapy sessions for but you have to be very weary of this man.
He is married and you are not, you are his client and he is doing all this.
Maybe he sees you as vulnerable. If you let him, he could take advantage of you conveniently and blame you if you hold him to it.
He could literally tell you that you are imagining it.
I would advise you not to even try to discuss it with him as he may deny it and say you are delusional.
Just send him a message that you would no longer be needing his help and ignore him if he tries to reach out.
He will get the message that you knew what he was up to and are not willing to tolerate it.

qwerty13

Also possible that you’re projecting your feelings onto him. It actually does sound more like that to me.

LegacyUser

qwerty13 wrote: »

Also possible that you’re projecting your feelings onto him. It actually does sound more like that to me.

Or the therapist is projecting their feelings on to the OP? Either way a line has been crossed. OP, there needs to be trust between a therapist and patient. If he is behaving as you say, it's best to follow the advice of the poster who said to tell your therapist you won't be attending any more.

I'm assuming here that you have no romantic interest in your therapist and the behaviour is making you uncomfortable. Regardless, best find another therapist.

Faith

Address this in your next session with him. There are multiple complex psychological processes occurring in a therapeutic relationship and we aren’t in a position to figure those out here. It’s entirely possible that he’s being inappropriate, but also possible that you’re misinterpreting and misconstruing. Rather than just walk away from therapy (which sounds important given you’re receiving both individual and group therapy, and you may not be able to find a new qualified therapist quickly or easily), try discussing it with him directly first.

sky76

qwerty13 wrote: »

Also possible that you’re projecting your feelings onto him. It actually does sound more like that to me.

That could also be the case. I'd also like to add that before the group therapy began, he had made that remark about the "warm weather" after an individual session. After that session, once I saw him again, he had mentioned that he recognizes that he is dealing with counter-transference. Usually after our sessions are over, he'll linger as he says goodbye to me, but after he had talked about the counter-transference issue with me, he has attempted to stop lingering after a couple of our sessions. But, it didn't last because he has gone back to lingering again. Occasionally when he lingers, I've noticed that he'll stare at my lips instead of looking at my eyes (one of those moments was right after he made the comment about the "warm weather").

Ursus Horribilis

Are you sure you're not reading too much into this? That's the way it's mostly coming across to me. Without being in the room with the pair of you, it's hard to say for sure.

LegacyUser

So he's told you that he is struggling with counter-transference i.e. he is the one transferring feelings on to you? So clearly the issue is with HIM and not you imagining it/reading into it as others are saying.

If you continue therapy with him then very firmly tell him he needs to be more professional. Therapists have a certain about of power over their patients, you bare your soul to them and share extremely private things. I wouldn't be at all happy with what he is saying if I was in your shoes.

Emme

OP if you address this with him he will say that YOU have the problem with counter-transference and it has nothing to do with him.Some posters here seem to think that even though it comes across to me that his behaviour it totally inappropriate, creepy and unprofessional.

Sadly the psychotherapy industry can attract some very strange individuals who like to prey on vulnerable people.

It's clear he is not the therapist for you any more. My advice is stop therapy with him completely. Stop the individual therapy and the group therapy with him. Look for a new therapist.

If you can't do that attend group therapy sessions only for a short while more and look for a new therapist. If he asks why tell him you don't feel comfortable with him at this stage and you want another therapist. You don't have to tell him any more and don't let him gaslight you or manipulate you.

Stick to your guns and find a new therapist.

wiggle16

Emme wrote: »

OP if you address this with him he will say that YOU have the problem with counter-transference and it has nothing to do with him.Some posters here seem to think that even though it comes across to me that his behaviour it totally inappropriate, creepy and unprofessional.

Sadly the psychotherapy industry can attract some very strange individuals who like to prey on vulnerable people.

With respect, Emme, that's not what counter-transference is.
It's not possible for the OP to have "the problem" with counter-transference. The therapist is almost certainly referring to conscious counter-transference. As I understand it, this is something therapists use to understand the differences between their experiences and the patient's experiences in order to better understand their patient. It can also more generally refer to emotional involvement with a patient but that doesn't necessarily mean it's romantic or inappropriate. And I'd say a therapist would be very very unlikely to say this to a patient if it were the case.

The part quoted in bold above is quite unfair and generalist. That can and does happen in any industry where there is a provider/client relationship. It's not limited to nor especially prevalent among therapists.

OP, in all honesty, there's nothing in your post that stands out as being objectively inappropriate. You don't know if he was staring at your lips - he could have been avoiding eye contact if you were staring at him yourself.
You don't know that he was never into astrology before you mentioned it (or if he's feigning a shared interest in order to understand you better). As Ursus has said, without seeing the set up of your group therapy we can't tell if he's making sure he's sitting beside you specifically all the time or actually mirroring your body language, and therefore if it means anything. And the warm weather comments don't sound like anything but small talk and a small slip of the tongue. I do think you are misreading a lot of what you believe is strange.

OP, you only mentioned his comments about counter-transference in your second post. Did he elaborate on that any further? It's context dependent: counter-transference doesn't exclusively refer to romantic feelings and it can be used as a part of therapy (referred to as "helpful" or conscious transference). The sentence:

he had mentioned that he recognizes that he is dealing with counter-transference

doesn't mean anything by itself. A couple of posters are taking it as an admission that he's struggling with feelings for you. It's not. That's pop-psychology.

I second the advice given by Faith. You should really be discussing this directly with your therapist, we're not in a position to evaluate this, hence why you are getting posters jumping to conclusions.

What do you think is actually happening, OP?

Faith

To second wiggle, countertransference can be any emotion at all. It’s quite possible to feel strong dislike for a client in a therapeutic relationship, for example.

Equally, countertransference is a response to transference - I.e. what the client puts on the therapist. It’s interesting to note that you seemed to react badly when the therapist shared an interest with you. What would you have preferred? That they remained a blank slate, or disliked the activity?

It is entirely plausible that the therapist is actively saying things to evoke those emotional responses in you, so that you can explore them further. Some people, for example, often unknowingly act in ways that lead to outcomes they fear - such as a person with a huge fear of abandonment who tries to push people away before they can be abandoned, but ultimately interprets that as abandonment anyway.

There are a dozen ways to look at this situation, and not all of them have a villain or anything inappropriate behind them. As I said, we can’t possibly tease out the complexities of your therapeutic relationship here, so you have two choices: avoid dealing with it by changing therapists or confront it head on. I don’t know what your relationship with avoidance or confrontation is like, so it’s hard to advise either way but my instinct says to confront (calmly and professionally) in this situation.

skallywag

I think that you most certainly need to find a new therapist, as the doubt has now been sown in your mind and cannot be removed.

That said, from what you have told us, I think that you are reading way too much into this.

You compliment him, and he pays a you a compliment back. Was it simply an attempt to make you feel special about yourself perhaps? How would you have felt if he had just said nothing at all?

The 'warm weather' thing I am really not getting to be honest with you. Even if he is telling you that he thinks you are 'warm', where is the real or perceived harm in that? Could it not just be him trying to make you feel good about yourself? Are you possibly reading this as meaning 'hot' / 'sexy' / 'desirable' etc? I would not read it that way in any case.

As for trying to have things in common with you, even though it may be exaggerated, I've seen this myself when I was once in a similar situation. I offered the guy I was talking too a cigarette, which he took from me and we then smoked together while we chatted. I found out after that he didn't actually smoke at all normally. I didn't think that there was something off or upsetting about this, but rather that he wanted to make some common ground between us, by which I would feel more comfortable and at ease talking (which was true).

As for mimicking your body language, are you really sure that he is doing this only to you? I find that I will often do the same, perhaps even subconsciously, to others. Are you sure he is not also doing it to others in the room?

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

To second wiggle, countertransference can be any emotion at all. It’s quite possible to feel strong dislike for a client in a therapeutic relationship, for example.

Equally, countertransference is a response to transference - I.e. what the client puts on the therapist. It’s interesting to note that you seemed to react badly when the therapist shared an interest with you. What would you have preferred? That they remained a blank slate, or disliked the activity?

It is entirely plausible that the therapist is actively saying things to evoke those emotional responses in you, so that you can explore them further. Some people, for example, often unknowingly act in ways that lead to outcomes they fear - such as a person with a huge fear of abandonment who tries to push people away before they can be abandoned, but ultimately interprets that as abandonment anyway.

There are a dozen ways to look at this situation, and not all of them have a villain or anything inappropriate behind them. As I said, we can’t possibly tease out the complexities of your therapeutic relationship here, so you have two choices: avoid dealing with it by changing therapists or confront it head on. I don’t know what your relationship with avoidance or confrontation is like, so it’s hard to advise either way but my instinct says to confront (calmly and professionally) in this situation.

Perhaps the OP reacted badly because they feel the therapist is behaving inappropriately? I understand that you work in the field and maybe you feel a need to defend your industry, but I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss or undermine what the OP is giving as her experience. Perhaps it's nothing sinister, perhaps it is. Every industry has its predators, even psychiatry/psychology.

I agree that she should speak to the therapist. But if she is feeling uncomfortable with his behaviour then her sessions will not make for beneficial therapy.

OP, if it's a case of you reading into something that isn't there as you are attracted to your therapist then you need to tread very carefully. Not only is he your therapist but he's married.

Faith

can't log in wrote: »

Perhaps the OP reacted badly because they feel the therapist is behaving inappropriately? I understand that you work in the field and maybe you feel a need to defend your industry, but I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss or undermine what the OP is giving as her experience. Perhaps it's nothing sinister, perhaps it is. Every industry has its predators, even psychiatry/psychology.

I understand that it may seem like I'm attempting to defend the professional in this, but I'm just trying to present a balanced view. As you say, all professions have their predators and the OP is clearly in a vulnerable position and I don't dismiss her experience at all. But as you're well aware, I'm sure, PI/RI tends to reflect very rigid and black-and-white thinking, with a standard answer often being "dump your husband/wife/partner/friends/parents/sibling/job".

I guess my thinking is more along the lines that mental health services in Ireland aren't great. The OP appears to be receiving quite specialist treatment, based on her account of both group and individual therapy. If she pays privately for this, she may well find another therapist quickly. However, if it's a public service, it may not be easy to simply find a new therapist, and if she drops out of therapy abruptly, she may leave herself open to not getting the support she needs. So my view is that she shouldn't make any rushed decisions - which it seems like she's aware of, given that she posted here and appears to be fairly reflective and open.

wiggle16

can't log in wrote: »

Perhaps the OP reacted badly because they feel the therapist is behaving inappropriately? I understand that you work in the field and maybe you feel a need to defend your industry, but I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss or undermine what the OP is giving as her experience. Perhaps it's nothing sinister, perhaps it is. Every industry has its predators, even psychiatry/psychology.

I agree that she should speak to the therapist. But if she is feeling uncomfortable with his behaviour then her sessions will not make for beneficial therapy.

OP, if it's a case of you reading into something that isn't there as you are attracted to your therapist then you need to tread very carefully. Not only is he your therapist but he's married.

The trouble is that the therapist has not done anything that needs defending. Even if you take them all together, these are very innocuous behaviours and I do think it's very likely the OP is misconstruing them (btw no offense OP).

I think the OP should speak to her therapist too, I would be very reluctant to recommend finding a new therapist since if she has put a lot of time into this particular therapy (sounds like she has) she will have to start from scratch with a new one. Even building a rapport takes quite some time. I don't think it's worth throwing all that work away if she's otherwise benefiting from this therapist. If she's uncomfortable she should speak to him about it.

As an aside, I would wager that the OP is receiving therapy outside of Ireland. Just a hunch, though I suppose it's not really relevant anyway. As Faith has said it's not a decision to be rushed in any event.

BBFAN

I'm sorry, I don't understand the weather reference? It seems fairly innocuous to me?