Unhappy husband

LegacyUser

I need to vent a bit and get a few things off my chest, and not sure where else to do it.

I've been feeling like my marriage has been kinda going down the drain a bit over the past while.

So what's been causing this? I think it's my own doing. I've always tried to be a good boyfriend, and then husband. Always trying to keep my wife happy. The problem is, I've oftentimes done this to my own happiness's expense.

There's a pattern that I've noticed over the years. Something might be bothering me and I might bring it up with my wife...this conversation will eventually lead to her in tears, me apologising and telling her not to worry about it. This has happened several times in the past few years and it's what's led me to my current state. Essentially, burying feelings down over a long period of time, often over small, little issues that could and should have been easy to resolve.

I'm basically unable to have an honest discussion with my wife about how I feel about her or our marriage.

I know exactly how unhealthy that sounds. The thing is, she's been a great support to me in so many other things down through the years. I've lost my mum, and have gone through depression. She was always there to help me and stand by me, she has always been a great listener for me.

I just don't seem to be able to open up the same way about things that are going on between us. I think it's probably a bit of cowardice on my part. A bit of guilt for feeling that things aren't great? I'm not sure to be honest. All I know is, it's not healthy.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent, to write this stuff down and get it out of my head and maybe get some sleep; to share these thoughts with someone. I already know the advice I need, I'm just struggling to actually apply it...

Big Bag of Chips

It sounds like your wife isn't all that happy either, and maybe the idea of confronting that is upsetting to her as she doesn't know where that will end. If you're unhappy in your marriage it is very unlikely that she is happy and thinks everything is fine.

You need to follow through on the talk, even if there's tears. You need to ask her why she is crying. How she feels your marriage is fairing and what she thinks you can both do as a couple to repair it.

Making a good marriage last takes effort from both people. You need to not get distracted by the tears. I don't think your wife is crying to manipulate you, I think she is crying because she's sad. That's fine, but you're sad too. And her feelings don't trump yours. There are communication problems in your marriage that need to be tackled.

LegacyUser

Anon38 wrote: »

Essentially, burying feelings down over a long period of time, often over small, little issues that could and should have been easy to resolve....I'm basically unable to have an honest discussion with my wife about how I feel about her or our marriage.
The thing is, she's been a great support to me in so many other things....She was always there to help me and stand by me, she has always been a great listener for me.....I just don't seem to be able to open up the same way about things that are going on between us.

Well I'm very confused even reading that.
"Small things" that should be easily resolved suddenly morph into one huge thing that jeopardise the very basis of your marriage?
She's a good listener & support for heavy things like your family bereavement but yet you can't open up to her about "small things"?
Maybe she knows more than you think. Maybe she's just frightened& sad herself.
But please be clear - because it's not really clear in your OP,& no doubt not clear to your wife either- are you trying to salvage your marriage, or end your marriage?

LegacyUser

Dcccxx wrote: »

Well I'm very confused even reading that.
"Small things" that should be easily resolved suddenly morph into one huge thing that jeopardise the very basis of your marriage?
She's a good listener & support for heavy things like your family bereavement but yet you can't open up to her about "small things"?
Maybe she knows more than you think. Maybe she's just frightened& sad herself.
But please be clear - because it's not really clear in your OP,& no doubt not clear to your wife either- are you trying to salvage your marriage, or end your marriage?

I certainly do not want to end my marriage.

I guess it's fear on my part too. I don't want to see my wife upset. It's easy to talk about other issues because they feel...non-threatening to our relationship.

I guess I don't want to hurt someone I love, and have just let myself bury down any feelings that I have that could cause that hurt. And that has led me to where I am now.

I think it's probably a natural enough concept to not want to hurt someone you love. But then, you just end up hurting then in the long run anyway. Maybe even worse.

Xterminator

Hi Op

if you continue to do nothing about this, it could fester. the thing about healthy communication done right, is it doesn't have to come out at 1am in tears. you can discuss things rationally and let each other know how your feeling before it all explodes - as im sure know.

So the question is what are you willing to do? Because it will take effort and honesty to learn good communication skills. i think you should suggest to your wife that you consider Relationship Counselling to gain the skills you need to have a healthy discussion about how your feeling.

professore

I have gone through this with my wife OP. She avoids talking about certain issues like your wife does and would turn on the waterworks. She is a good woman like your wife seems to be but it was always issues where she would need to change something or admit she wasn't 100% perfect. Also she needed to "win" every argument and crying was a surefire way to do that. It was a form of emotional blackmail.

The thing is I actually cared she was upset and she used that against me. Now I know that's what she's doing it no longer works.

The only thing that worked for me was getting angry and just being a broken record about the issue until she finally addressed it. By that I mean talking about it in an honest way. It was how she was with our kids that was damaging them that pushed me to this.

Now I do it with "smaller" issues (I don't believe there are smaller issues in a marriage, they just symbolise bigger issues). Also if they are small, why is she crying about them?

Things are much better for the both of us. She never cries anymore in an argument as I immediately call her out on it.

It has changed our relationship in that I see it now for what it is rather than some idealised idea I had in my head previously.

Some will no doubt say this is a cynical attitude but I tried everything else and this actually works. She had quite a domineering dad so I can only suppose she wants the same "thick headedness" from me. It isn't really me, as I love discussing things and reaching a compromise but this simply didn't work with the way she used to behave. Now we can actually discuss things when she sees her manipulation won't work.

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

I have gone through this with my wife OP. She avoids talking about certain issues like your wife does and would turn on the waterworks. She is a good woman like your wife seems to be but it was always issues where she would need to change something or admit she wasn't 100% perfect. Also she needed to "win" every argument and crying was a surefire way to do that. It was a form of emotional blackmail.

The thing is I actually cared she was upset and she used that against me. Now I know that's what she's doing it no longer works.

The only thing that worked for me was getting angry and just being a broken record about the issue until she finally addressed it. By that I mean talking about it in an honest way. It was how she was with our kids that was damaging them that pushed me to this.

Now I do it with "smaller" issues (I don't believe there are smaller issues in a marriage, they just symbolise bigger issues). Also if they are small, why is she crying about them?

Things are much better for the both of us. She never cries anymore in an argument as I immediately call her out on it.

It has changed our relationship in that I see it now for what it is rather than some idealised idea I had in my head previously.

Some will no doubt say this is a cynical attitude but I tried everything else and this actually works. She had quite a domineering dad so I can only suppose she wants the same "thick headedness" from me. It isn't really me, as I love discussing things and reaching a compromise but this simply didn't work with the way she used to behave. Now we can actually discuss things when she sees her manipulation won't work.

Thanks for your reply, it's good to hear from someone who went through something similar.

It's eerie the similarities here. First off my wife also has a very domineering father. I don't really have much time for him, I mean I generally be civil towards him, but in my eyes, he's not much more than a bully.

And I've seen both her parents emotionally blackmail her and her siblings.

I'm never sure if these actions are intentionally malicious, or just the only way her parents know how to interact within their family (in other words, not really meaning to be hurtful or inconsiderate, just not knowing any other way)

Anyway, I'm more focussed on my own issues than theirs, it's just interesting the parallels.

"Win" every argument, that's an interesting one. 9 times out of 10 I'm quite happy to just go with whatever she wants. And I guess that tenth time I've just been swallowing my objection just to keep things happy. Which obviously is not working.

And finally, kids. This is the one where my limit is really being pushed also. It's nothing major, she's a good mother. Just at times our idea of good parenting is at odds with each other, and that's pretty much my breaking point.

In saying all of this (and I know this might be denial), but I really don't think she is intentionally manipulating me.

Big Bag of Chips

She may not be intentioanally manipulating you, but how she reacts to situations (whether intentional or not) does make you back off and not question something. That needs to be addressed. And if she starts crying you need to ask "why are you crying?". It doesn't have to be accusatory, it doesn't have to be aggressive but you do need to know the root cause of her crying.

Is it because she doesn't want to discuss whatever it is?
Is it because she knows things aren't good and fears you could be ready to walk?
Is it because she hasn't the necessary skills (a product of her upbringing) to communicate issues effectively?
Is she afraid?

Once she can answer why she's crying then that can be addressed, and then continue on to addressing the actual issue.

It's all about communication. She can't communicate effectivly with you. And you can't really communicate effectively with her either.
If couples could communicate better with each other then a lot more families would be a lot better off.

LegacyUser

OP, I am going through something similar to your wife. I have supported my husband through depression, family loss and generally difficult times. His family are incredibly dysfunctional but he doesn’t see that. He sees my family as manipulative and controlling but honestly, they are very normal but his family are cold and disinterested at best. As a result he focuses on ‘us’ but in reality it’s what he wants that is foremost in his mind.

He struggles to communicate with me and will sulk instead and then explode. He cannot talk to me about the small bits but it builds up. I don’t see anything wrong with what I am doing but he does and it festers. He will sulk for days or weeks. I will ask but he won’t communicate what is wrong. After walking on eggshells and being worn down, the explosion will come. It normally comes when I am at my lowest ebb, although I am not sure that he realises what he is doing.

He will decide to tackle something at 11pm, when I am exhausted and already emotional. That will result in tears on my part. I will have been walking on eggshells for ages, I will be tired and unhappy. I will cry as a natural reaction to this. It’s not manipulative on my part but a function of his horrible communication style and his warped view on family dynamics. His father behaves like that too.

I can relate totally to your poor wife. My marriage is on the rocks over this to be honest.

Finchie1276

Anon38 wrote: »

I guess it's fear on my part too. I don't want to see my wife upset. It's easy to talk about other issues because they feel...non-threatening to our relationship.

I guess I don't want to hurt someone I love, and have just let myself bury down any feelings that I have that could cause that hurt. And that has led me to where I am now.

I think it's probably a natural enough concept to not want to hurt someone you love. But then, you just end up hurting then in the long run anyway. Maybe even worse.

But you are not 'hurting' her - asking for your needs to be met is not about hurting her. You cause more longterm hurt but not saying it. I would begin by looking at where this narrative of hiding your needs came from. Are you a people pleaser? Afraid of conflict? Remember, its not your responsibility to manage tour wife's feelings, she is an adult, can hear what you have to say and decide how she wants to respond.

Jurgen Klopp

It's hard get a grasp really on this without some examples if you don't mind? Just so we can get an idea?

I mean it may be a small thing she sees as a big thing etc

Would you be ok with giving some examples of the stuff that makes her start the tears?

qwerty13

Can relate to wife wrote: »

OP, I am going through something similar to your wife. I have supported my husband through depression, family loss and generally difficult times. His family are incredibly dysfunctional but he doesn’t see that. He sees my family as manipulative and controlling but honestly, they are very normal but his family are cold and disinterested at best. As a result he focuses on ‘us’ but in reality it’s what he wants that is foremost in his mind.

He struggles to communicate with me and will sulk instead and then explode. He cannot talk to me about the small bits but it builds up. I don’t see anything wrong with what I am doing but he does and it festers. He will sulk for days or weeks. I will ask but he won’t communicate what is wrong. After walking on eggshells and being worn down, the explosion will come. It normally comes when I am at my lowest ebb, although I am not sure that he realises what he is doing.

He will decide to tackle something at 11pm, when I am exhausted and already emotional. That will result in tears on my part. I will have been walking on eggshells for ages, I will be tired and unhappy. I will cry as a natural reaction to this. It’s not manipulative on my part but a function of his horrible communication style and his warped view on family dynamics. His father behaves like that too.

I can relate totally to your poor wife. My marriage is on the rocks over this to be honest.

I think it’s worth considering that this might be similar to how your wife feels. Not saying that she’s ‘right’ to feel that way - but reading your post, and this one, I can see how your lack of communication could be quite upsetting.

professore

Can relate to wife wrote: »

He struggles to communicate with me and will sulk instead and then explode. He cannot talk to me about the small bits but it builds up. I don’t see anything wrong with what I am doing but he does and it festers. He will sulk for days or weeks. I will ask but he won’t communicate what is wrong. After walking on eggshells and being worn down, the explosion will come. It normally comes when I am at my lowest ebb, although I am not sure that he realises what he is doing.

He will decide to tackle something at 11pm, when I am exhausted and already emotional. That will result in tears on my part. I will have been walking on eggshells for ages, I will be tired and unhappy. I will cry as a natural reaction to this. It’s not manipulative on my part but a function of his horrible communication style and his warped view on family dynamics. His father behaves like that too.
.

Do you talk over him and put words in his mouth when he does try to talk to you? Or assume you understand him when in fact you don't?

Why do you cry? This isn't normal healthy adult behaviour. Do you cry in work when your boss asks you to do something?

I see this the exact same as losing your temper and shouting and screaming, an emotional response that has the same effect on communication. Its the main ways badly raised. small children communicate. Imagine he did that every time you tried to talk to him about something important to you? You are teaching him that you are unwilling or unable to listen to him, therefore making the problem worse.

peekachoo

professore wrote: »

Do you talk over him and put words in his mouth when he does try to talk to you? Or assume you understand him when in fact you don't?

Why do you cry? This isn't normal healthy adult behaviour. Do you cry in work when your boss asks you to do something?

I see this the exact same as losing your temper and shouting and screaming, an emotional response that has the same effect on communication. Its the main ways badly raised. small children communicate. Imagine he did that every time you tried to talk to him about something important to you? You are teaching him that you are unwilling or unable to listen to him, therefore making the problem worse.

This whole response has a pretty accusatory undertone to it. Crying is a completely natural response sometimes, especially as she said she would be stressed/at wits end etc when she cries. If I cried and someone thought I was acting like a child or telling me I'm unwilling to listen they wouldn't be long getting the bloody door. People cry sometimes. Also why ask about putting words in his mouth and talking over him? Bizarre.

Big Bag of Chips

professore, the poster you are replying to has given an explanation of her marriage situation to maybe give another perspective to the OP. It is not your place to pick that apart and deny another poster's experience. Stick to posting advice to the OP. If you are unable to do that it might be time to take a step away from Personal Issues for a while.

Sunflower 27

There is a saying I love, if you do what you've always done, you will get what you've always got.

Why is your wife crying over issues you want raise about the marriage? Is she taking them as criticism. I'm not sure if it's that, denial, fear or manipulation, but things need to be addressed in any relationship.

You seem to have a good understanding about what's happening at your end, op.

You need to tackle this head on. Tell her how you feel. Her tears won't kill her.

It could be that she is afraid you want to leave and stops you before you get to say it.

Whatever the reason, she is an adult and needs to be adult about this situation.

It's likely her fears of what you might say but have always stopped Yourself from saying are far worse in her head than reality.

professore

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

professore, the poster you are replying to has given an explanation of her marriage situation to maybe give another perspective to the OP. It is not your place to pick that apart and deny another poster's experience. Stick to posting advice to the OP. If you are unable to do that it might be time to take a step away from Personal Issues for a while.

I apologise if I offended anyone and indeed I should have directed my reply at the OP.

professore

peekachoo wrote: »

This whole response has a pretty accusatory undertone to it. Crying is a completely natural response sometimes, especially as she said she would be stressed/at wits end etc when she cries. If I cried and someone thought I was acting like a child or telling me I'm unwilling to listen they wouldn't be long getting the bloody door. People cry sometimes. Also why ask about putting words in his mouth and talking over him? Bizarre.

I wasn't trying to accuse anyone of anything but I see how it could be read that way.

It's one thing crying when you are upset and as I said I am the first to be sympathetic to genuine emotion but crying every time your spouse wants to talk to you in order to avoid difficult conversations is something else altogether.

LegacyUser

professore wrote: »

Do you talk over him and put words in his mouth when he does try to talk to you? Or assume you understand him when in fact you don't?

Why do you cry? This isn't normal healthy adult behaviour. Do you cry in work when your boss asks you to do something?

I see this the exact same as losing your temper and shouting and screaming, an emotional response that has the same effect on communication. Its the main ways badly raised. small children communicate. Imagine he did that every time you tried to talk to him about something important to you? You are teaching him that you are unwilling or unable to listen to him, therefore making the problem worse.

My husband will not discuss anything like a normal adult. He leaves his shoes lying around, I will ask him not to. He sees something, normally very minor and instead of addressing it like I do, he broods on it. This will continue and he will be in a foul mood. He will sulk and refuse to speak to me. He will walk into a room that I am in, will stare at me for a minute and walk away without speaking. I will ask but he will either completely blank me or tell me it’s all in my head. This results in obvious tensions. He will become passive aggressive. He will not sleep and let me assure you, when he is unhappy he will make sure that I am well aware. He will storm and slam doors at night if he can’t sleep. The one thing that he will not do is speak to me.

When he does finally explode, he will attack every aspect of my life. Family, career, appearance, friends. Far from putting words into his mouth, I cannot get a word in. I will be absolutely exhausted. Imagine living with him for two weeks with no speaking and often little sleep.

He has lost a lot of friends because of this behaviour. It’s the way that his family deals with stuff. I can assure you that the issue is with him. He is pathetically unhappy and jealous of everyone else. He doesn’t understand that I still have friends and family that want to spend time with me because I am a nice person but nobody wants to be with him. His career has suffered because of sulking in work. I don’t know how to communicate with him.

I cry because I am at my lowest ebb. I can’t believe that my life has come to this because it certainly wasn’t always. I will be tired and he is vicious over tiny stuff. That is why I cry. You can come and swap places with me sometime. You might end up in tears yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

Can relate to wife,
I have approved your post purely because you are answering a post that was directed at you and clarifying for a poster that questioned your behaviour. However, your reply is not exactly relevant to the OP's issue.

So I will ask all posters from this point forward to direct their responses to the OP with advice on how he should proceed.

Further off topic posts will be deleted, and possible cards handed out.

Thanks,
BBoC.

BBFAN

Anon38 wrote: »

I need to vent a bit and get a few things off my chest, and not sure where else to do it.

I've been feeling like my marriage has been kinda going down the drain a bit over the past while.

So what's been causing this? I think it's my own doing. I've always tried to be a good boyfriend, and then husband. Always trying to keep my wife happy. The problem is, I've oftentimes done this to my own happiness's expense.

There's a pattern that I've noticed over the years. Something might be bothering me and I might bring it up with my wife...this conversation will eventually lead to her in tears, me apologising and telling her not to worry about it. This has happened several times in the past few years and it's what's led me to my current state. Essentially, burying feelings down over a long period of time, often over small, little issues that could and should have been easy to resolve.

I'm basically unable to have an honest discussion with my wife about how I feel about her or our marriage.

I know exactly how unhealthy that sounds. The thing is, she's been a great support to me in so many other things down through the years. I've lost my mum, and have gone through depression. She was always there to help me and stand by me, she has always been a great listener for me.

I just don't seem to be able to open up the same way about things that are going on between us. I think it's probably a bit of cowardice on my part. A bit of guilt for feeling that things aren't great? I'm not sure to be honest. All I know is, it's not healthy.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent, to write this stuff down and get it out of my head and maybe get some sleep; to share these thoughts with someone. I already know the advice I need, I'm just struggling to actually apply it...

Sorry OP but you need to clarify what you bring up that makes your wife cry.

You say she has supported you through thick and thin so it must be fairly serious stuff that has her crying, no?

mrsdewinter

OP, would you consider couples counselling? Just explaining to a neutral third party who doesn't know you could help start the conversation you clearly want to have.
Good luck!

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who has given advice here, it's very much appreciated.

I'm currently working up the courage to have a frank and honest discussion with her about all of this. Finding it hard to do, to be honest.

I'll try and reply to individual posts over the next while.

Thanks again.

vintagecosmos

Anon38 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who has given advice here, it's very much appreciated.

I'm currently working up the courage to have a frank and honest discussion with her about all of this. Finding it hard to do, to be honest.

I'll try and reply to individual posts over the next while.

Thanks again.

Keep in mind that the short term difficult conversations will lead to long term happiness. So one step back, two steps forward. Good luck

witchgirl26

OP - I can somewhat relate to your wife in that some discussions with my OH result in me in tears. This isn't because I'm trying to manipulate my way out of the discussion but rather the tone that's been used and that I feel completely attacked. It's not that I don't recognise what needs to be talked about.

Maybe just something to think about when you have the discussion with your wife - I'm not saying don't bring up things but just make sure you stick to the facts, don't bring up things that aren't relative and keep an even enough tone. My OH has done that and yes I've still cried (I'm just over emotional anyway) but the conversation has continued and it's been a great air-clearer for both of us.

Good luck and I hope you can get back to a good place.

.......

Anon38 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who has given advice here, it's very much appreciated.

I'm currently working up the courage to have a frank and honest discussion with her about all of this. Finding it hard to do, to be honest.

I'll try and reply to individual posts over the next while.

Thanks again.

Write down the points you want to discuss and then read them and take the time out to rewrite them in a neutral manner so they dont come across as either a list of criticisms or complaints.

Give your wife the list to read and tell her youd like to talk about the items on it - and make a time a day or so later to do it - that way she also gets to consider whats been written without being put on the spot.

That way when you sit down to have a chat about all this you can do so with a non accusatory starting point, where both of you have had time to have a focused think about what the discussion is about.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

It seems like a problem of communication, a mutual one. She needs to work on hearing what you're saying and not feeling attacked, you need to stop backing off and apologising when she cries. Whether it's a conscious or unconscious attempt at manipulation or just a physiological response to emotional conversations, it can't be something that always scuppers them. Good luck with the talk later.

A bit more general advice, a wee glance through advice givers' post history to scope out things like, oh say, their attitude to women and whether it absolutely stinks might be a good idea before you consider anything like implementing "you're not allowed to cry" rules.