I think my marriage might be over

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I feel like I have to write this out as there is a lot going on in my head. Some context before I begin. I’m married 5 years and together 15. We have a 15-month girl. When our relationship is good, it’s great. When it is bad, it’s really bad. It’s not often but is is dreadful.

I appreciate you are reading one side of a story but I will be as unbiased in my description as possible.

This morning, my wife said that if we do not resolve the current fight which has been ongoing since Friday, that she will be going to a solicitors and starting divorce proceedings (steps to wards divorce). My mum is dying with end stage lung disease. Yeh doctors gave her until Christmas last year, but she is still her with us albeit in hospital over Christmas period.

Any time she is in hospital, I am made to feel like I cannot spend time with her. I am being placed in situations where my wife is asking me to spend less and less time. I wanted to spend an hour with my mum on Thursday but she wanted me to spend just 30 minutes. Nothing pressing, just wanted me home to be at home.

There was an incident in the hopsital earlier in the week that I won’t go into but suffice it to say, a helper failed miserably in her job and my mum suffered terribly as a result. I had to go into the hospital at 9pm for an hour to resolve the issue. On Friday night, my wife said a few things that were, frankly, very hurtful.

- I am a liar
- My mother is making the story up because she is needy, selfish and a liar
- “mommy is more important”
- that poor nurse might lose her job (coming from a person who wanted to get someone fired because their burger order was wrong).
- my mum is only going to hospital to ruin our holidays together

Just a little more context. I have never lied to my wife unless it’s about presents at Christmas and that’s is a done thing by both of us. I was raised not to lie. I have never cheated on her. I have given her essentially no reason to doubt me as a person, let alone her husband. But I have been accused of lying probably since the start of our relationship on and off. My word is not good enough, even when I back it up with proof.

Over the last few months, I have taken a lot of time to reflect on our arguments. I am no saint but the vast majority are being caused because I am calling her out on her behaviour towards me and others. It becomes heated, I get a lot of crap thrown at me and then I break. I call her a name or insult her back. Then the argument becomes about my reaction rather than the initial issues. I end up apologizing for what I said and then she, usually half heartedly, apologies. I have spent time learning to control myself during this time of conflict and not get pulled in to the argument so it does not go off topic from the point. I think that this has escalated matters because she has nothing to catch me on, and focus returns to the actual issue.

So I have been an outstanding dad over the last two days but I have told her that, after trying to say I am mishearing things and “making **** up”, that I will not take that from her any more. She has tried to talk to me on a few occasions but it’s the usual backtracking on what was said, blaming me.

This morning came the divorce threat. Some more context. In thirteen months, this has been the sixth time that I have been told our relationship is over. The second time she has said she is divorcing me. She locked me out of our house and denied me access to my girl. Why? Because I’ll pulled her up in private about being incredibly rude to my brother for a sustained 3-4 minutes out of the blue. I eventually got out of her that, because my brother bought himself a coffee and didn’t offer to buy anyone else one, he deserved it. On another occasion, she told me, right in the eyes with a smug grin, that “lll take (our daughter’s name). My dad had weekends with me but you’ll get nothing”. Her parents divorced because her dad beat her mom. Still the most hurtful thing anyone has done or said to me. All from an argument started by her.

An hour ago, I asked her to explain her feelings on why my mum is always going to hospital when we are on holidays (note: this has happened, it happens when you have end stage lung disease, but not “all the time”). She said she didn’t know. I asked her how she was picking up infections in the exact week before the holidays. She didn’t know. I asked her what the causes of her exacerbation are. She didn’t know and accused me of being “smart”. So basically, my mother isn’t dying, she is seeking attention by getting chest infections just before our holidays. I told her she is basing her feelings on zero facts, but I was told it didn’t matter because that is how she is feels.

I’ll be fine. I’m worried about my daughter. She’s at that age that she knows things are happening. It’s affecting her. I can’t have that go on. I am over a barrel in many ways here. I wonder if she will be less affected by her dad being gone from her life rather than staying here.

I’ve reread everything and removed anything superfluous that might affect the bias of the reader.

Thanks for reading. Any advice appreciated. I do think the main reason this has escalated is that I am not being drawn into fights anymore and she has lost her out.

Cash_Q

You poor thing. She sounds like a horrible person. Sorry, but to treat any other person like that is nasty, never mind your husband and father of your child. Her disregard for your mother is atrocious.

If I were you I would approach a solicitor now to find out your rights regarding access to your child. I would be very wary of her pulling something dodgy off and disappearing with your daughter.

That's not a happy relationship to be in, why wait for her to initiate divorce proceedings? Seek your own legal advice, asap

Dial Hard

You haven't actually said whether you want to save your marriage or not. If you do, you and your wife need to go to counselling and I would suggest she also needs one-to-one counselling for her anger issues.

If you aren't actually interested in staying with her, then as above, you need a solicitor.

LegacyUser

Cash_Q wrote: »

You poor thing. She sounds like a horrible person. Sorry, but to treat any other person like that is nasty, never mind your husband and father of your child. Her disregard for your mother is atrocious.

If I were you I would approach a solicitor now to find out your rights regarding access to your child. I would be very wary of her pulling something dodgy off and disappearing with your daughter.

That's not a happy relationship to be in, why wait for her to initiate divorce proceedings? Seek your own legal advice, asap

Most of the time, she is great but when things are bad, she can be awful. I’m certainly not happy right now but I want to do what’s best for my little one.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

You haven't actually said whether you want to save your marriage or not. If you do, you and your wife need to go to counselling and I would suggest she also needs one-to-one counselling for her anger issues.

If you aren't actually interested in staying with her, then as above, you need a solicitor.

I dont know but I also cannot stay in this cycle. She has anger issues. She has admitted herself and she has provided to attend anger management on at least a half dozen occasions. Total classes attended. Zero.

I’m not a psychologist but I think a lot of it is insecurity in addition to anger. It’s her vs whoever might be taking my attention away from her for any given period of time, be it my mother, my brother or a friend.

wirelessdude01

Man she sounds like a total head melt. There has to be a root cause for her behaviour? Any idea what is causing her to be so insensitive at a time when your mam is dying?

I second the comment about talking to a solicitor yourself and getting a good understanding of where you stand yourself. Get ahead of the game if she was to go nuclear.

LegacyUser

I think this weekend was the final straw for me in what has been incredibly tough year together. I have been treated like a dog in my home. If she does something like curse at me in front of my little one and I ask why is she saying that, I am told not to argue in front of “the child”. I might have left a cup out or put something where it doesn’t belong, that’s enough to start muttering and cursing.

So an update from this morning. I told her that I am absolutely done with the threats, I am done with being treated like a fcuking dog in my own home. I told her recently that because she keeps threatening me to get out and to split, that I felt utterly disposable. I told her again today that she has done nothing but make me feel like that.

Here is the thing. All of a sudden, she said that she was wrong and that she didn’t mean any of it. She didn’t mean I have been lying and my mum is lying (and all the awful things said, putting aside the fact that I’m a liar since day one apparently). She didn’t mean all the hurtful things. She knows she has being treating me like ****. Just like that. Complete capitulation of her entire argument. I know when my wife is sorry and I know when my wife is “sorry” just to end a fight because she knows her bluffs have failed. She told me she was dayinv all this so you wouldn’t have to call my mum or visit so often, despite the fact I WANT to visit.

She has clearly being getting advice from someone. Her sister I suspect, or maybe a ex-work friend. I think she was advised just to make up no matter what. She has absolutely no idea that my wife has done any of this to me. No one does. I put on a brave face, meet socially and no one is any the wiser. If I told any of my family or friends, it would fundamentally change their relationships with my wife. They would tell me get the **** out of that situation if they knew, and because I didnt want to hear that, no one knows. But now, I have spent time reflecting and I know that this is not right. I deserve better, probably the first time I have ever put my feelings first.

How she ruined my grandmothers funeral because I wouldn’t park illegally outside the family meet, blocking an emergency exit, simply because that’s where she wanted to park. How she ruined my brothers birthday - twice. How she ruined Christmas for my family three times in a four year period. How she went into a tirade at a receptionist at a family wedding, in front of all my aunts and uncles, because there was a room booking error. I have defended her to the hilt, making excuses for her behaviour. How she, on seven separate occasions, nearly started something with people in the middle of the street because they might have bumped her, including a bunch of 6 guys that, maybe on another day, could have started something. I told her that she will put me in hospital. To be fair, she is better regarding the public anger but the anger is still there.

We had a huge fight a few months ago. I begged her, I pleased with her to treat me better, that I am being treated like something she is happy to throw away. She was incredibly sorry and said she would try, and yet here we are. I told her previous to that if she ever told me get out again, I would go. Yet she told me to get out, and when I did, she told me if I didn’t come back immediately, she would end it with me. For my son, I came back.

Her sister knows well she badly needs counselling and therapy for the root cause of this. She’s asked her to go too. People joke she needs anger management. It ain’t a joke.

I am months away from having a child that sees this behaviour from her mum to her days. Months. I don’t know what to do.

pc7

Was she always this way? Your child is still very young, are you guys getting sleep? Could it be post natal after the baby? It’s a horrible situation especially with your mam so sick. Would counseling be an option?
If not please get some for yourself and contact a solicitor.
Best of luck op

Dial Hard

They're together 15 years and he said she has been like this from the start.

pc7

Sorry on the phone must have missed it. Op if that’s the case you don’t want your child growing up in that, get legal advice and take steps to protect yourself and your child.

LegacyUser

I have begged her. Begged her from the bottom of my heart to stop threatening to end the relationship, stop threatening to divorce me, stop telling me to get out of the house and to never lock me out again because there will come a time when I will go. The threats come when she needs to escalate the argument because she isn't getting her way. I think she knows I'l back down, and I do.

She tells me I am screaming in front of the child when I am merely talking back (and I am incredibly careful with my tone). if that doesn't work, she will continue to escalate until one of the threats above arises.

I begged her that, one day she will do it and I'll cross a line that I am not going to emotionally able to come back from.

This weekend crossed the line, I felt something just break in my feelings. I'm just too run down from it. I imagined that a partner would support you when times are crap. At the very least, don't make things worse. I'm in a situation that my mother is being called a liar and I am made to feel guilty about spending time with her.

LegacyUser

pc7 wrote: »

Was she always this way? Your child is still very young, are you guys getting sleep? Could it be post natal after the baby? It’s a horrible situation especially with your mam so sick. Would counseling be an option?
If not please get some for yourself and contact a solicitor.
Best of luck op

She is certainly less angry than when we first met. We are getting sleep and I have been very observant for signs of PND.

She is coming from a life (as she admits herself) that she has learned to live with no ones help because that's how she coped at home - it was generally her vs her sister and her mother.

osarusan

Dial Hard wrote: »

They're together 15 years and he said she has been like this from the start.

Did he say that? I can't find it.

Anyway, however long she has been like this, she knows she is being unfair, but only makes empty promises to address and improve her own behaviour, but she never has, and never intends to I would guess.

It wouldn't surprise me if the threat of breaking up and divorce is just another tool to get the OP apologising, and is actually a fairly empty threat or bluff. Not that the OP needs to test my theory.

OP, have you ever discussed things when your relationship is in the middle of one of its "when it's good, it's great" phases? Or, once she comes out of whatever vicious mood she is in, do you just move on without talking about it?

LegacyUser

osarusan wrote: »

Did he say that? I can't find it.

Anyway, however long she has been like this, she knows she is being unfair, but only makes empty promises to address and improve her own behaviour, but she never has, and never intends to I would guess.

It wouldn't surprise me if the threat of breaking up and divorce is just another tool to get the OP apologising, and is actually a fairly empty threat or bluff. Not that the OP needs to test my theory.

OP, have you ever discussed things when your relationship is in the middle of one of its "when it's good, it's great" phases? Or, once she comes out of whatever vicious mood she is in, do you just move on without talking about it?

Hi there, I made sure that I spoke to her during a very good time and I told her it was deeply upsetting to be constantly threatened by divorce, breakups and being told to get out. I told her that, one day, she will say it and it will just break me.

I think the threat today, married with being told I’m a liar and my mum is a liar when she is slowly losing weight and and slowly losing her ability to walk and remember etc, I just snapped something inside. I knew it was coming. I can’t go through another round of make up and hen threats. I can’t.

shesty

OP she may not actually know any other way to behave in a relationship.
I am not condoning her behaviour because to be honest,it's nasty, but if that's all she saw at home then she may not actually know how to be in a functional relationship.
I can see you want to protect your daughter, and that's your priority.If you want to try to save the marriage, I would say counselling would be worth a go because she sounds like she has a lot of issues around actually knowing how to behave in a relationship but whether it will solve it or not I genuinely don't know.

Xterminator

hi op

your relationship is poisoning both of you. in your heart you know this. your 15 years together and you have realised you cannot do another 15 with this pattern continuing. her behaviors are appaling, but i suspect you are by your own admission at fault for retaliation, name calling etc.

so if i was you i would consider moving out. not ending the marriage but breaking the cycle. Can you move into your mothers for now or do you have somewhere to go ?

Taking this step could mean she decides to divorces you. But then if there is any chance of mending the relationship - the cycle needs to end. and if the relationship can not be mended, perhaps you can find a peace that allows you to co parent in a civil fashion. i would offer to attend relationship counselling together for the sake of the child, failing that mediation.

Finally i just want to say, this whole cycle must be taking a toll on the mental heath of the child too. i can from personal experience tell you staying together in a toxic environment for the kids is not doing them any favours either.

Dalomanakora

OP, I'm a little surprised nobody has used the word yet, but you're being abused.



Whatever her issues, whatever has caused her anger, her behaviour is abusive and you can't keep tolerating it. You want to do what's best for your kid, and what's best is a happy and healthy parent. Currently neither of you are happy or healthy, that has to change.



Before you make any decisions about your marriage, talk to a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row. Call AMEN and talk to them.


You don't have to end your marriage. But you have to know exactly what to expect if you do decide it.

The_Honeybadger

worried about future wrote: »

I have begged her. Begged her from the bottom of my heart to stop threatening to end the relationship, stop threatening to divorce me, stop telling me to get out of the house and to never lock me out again because there will come a time when I will go. The threats come when she needs to escalate the argument because she isn't getting her way. I think she knows I'l back down, and I do.

She tells me I am screaming in front of the child when I am merely talking back (and I am incredibly careful with my tone). if that doesn't work, she will continue to escalate until one of the threats above arises.

I begged her that, one day she will do it and I'll cross a line that I am not going to emotionally able to come back from.

This weekend crossed the line, I felt something just break in my feelings. I'm just too run down from it. I imagined that a partner would support you when times are crap. At the very least, don't make things worse. I'm in a situation that my mother is being called a liar and I am made to feel guilty about spending time with her.

Begging is not the way to deal with someone like this. You are giving her all the power that way.

Lay down an ultimatum on the counselling and be prepared to follow through. You are just spinning your wheels trying to reason with her. Nothing will change unless she gets proper help for whatever issues she has.

professore

I would go to a solicitor myself and start divorce proceedings. Aside.from anything else, anyone who tries to keep their spouse from time with a dying parent is just an evil person. No counselling can fix that.

The way she switched it off also shows this is all about breaking you down mentally and isn't real emotion. A kind of good cop bad cop scenario.

Also her agonist her evil family... Big red flag. Generally this is because SHE is the problem and impossible to live with, not the other way round. Her family are probably fine.

Get some counselling yourself. You have been emotionally abused for years. Check out AMEN. Move out. Then see about getting custody of your child. Forget about fighting over the house or whatever. Do everything through your solicitor. Block her on social media etc.

Dial Hard

osarusan wrote:

Did he say that? I can't find it.

Worried about future wrote:

I’m married 5 years and together 15...


...I have never cheated on her. I have given her essentially no reason to doubt me as a person, let alone her husband. But I have been accused of lying probably since the start of our relationship on and off.

OP, this is a pattern that has been laid down since the very start of your relationship. I'm not sure your wife could change at this stags even if she wanted to. And it doesn't particularly sound like she does want to, tbh. I think you should speak to counsellor by yourself, to clarify your own feelings around the marriage because even after your last few posts, it's still not clear to me whether you want to save your marriage or walk. Perhaps speaking to someone would solidify for you whether or not there is anything to save.

Never wrestle with pigs

Get out of there. Get your ducks in line first though. Money etc. Toxic situation.

LegacyUser

Hello all, I just wanted to provide an update. Thanks all for your comments - it has given me a lot to think about.

On New Years eve, I told my wife that our relationship was over and that I didn't love her. I told her that I wanted to end it and move on because I was not happy. I also said I would be moving out in the coming weeks. This was essentially what I had said to her in the previous few days but I wanted to make it perfectly clear again.

I also slept in another room that night. She cried pretty much all night. It was tough to hear it but there was no way I could intervene.

On New Years Day, she signed up for counselling and had her first session on the following day. I can see she is trying really hard to make things right but I have told her it is really disappointing that it took the actual ending of our relationship before she actually did something about it.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this, mainly for the sake of my little one and I have returned to sleeping in our bed. Things are good between us but I'm focused now on doing what is best for myself and my little one. I've taken legal advice so I know my options.

I would like to think she will change but the truth is that I do not know. I'm not afraid, however, to do what I need to make sure that this treatment of me is over. It's up to her now.

BBFAN

OP, I have to be honest here, you accuse your wife of making idle threats all the time when at least 4 of your posts have detailed where you said you were moving out and you didn't so you're doing exactly the same yourself?

Seems a totally dysfunctional relationship in every way and I don't think it's coming from just one side.

Yellow pack crisps

BBFAN wrote: »

OP, I have to be honest here, you accuse your wife of making idle threats all the time when at least 4 of your posts have detailed where you said you were moving out and you didn't so you're doing exactly the same yourself?

Seems a totally dysfunctional relationship in every way and I don't think it's coming from just one side.

One person is dysfunctional and abusive, it’s not the OP. It ain’t easy leaving a child you love with an unhinged person.

OP. A horrible situation, I’m glad you got legal advice. I would if I was you continue to sleep separate until a time real progress is made over a good period of time. Take this time to revaluate your life and maybe get some therapy. Your son at this moment of time is your most important priority. Remember your marriage will be the barometer to how he views future relationships. Do the right thing for him and yourself. If you want to give your wife another chance then fair enough, but remember this has to be a long term view and by that you have to see gradual changes rather than short term spurts that just revert back to the way things are. Tell your wife she has one chance. Tell her that her actions and threats are devoid of reality. You’re married, you have the same rights as her as a parent. Keep a journal to track progress or not, keep a record of threats also. Don’t stand for abuse anymore, what’s happening you is the same as being continuously punched in the face by her, would you accept that?

BBFAN

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

One person is dysfunctional and abusive, it’s not the OP. It ain’t easy leaving a child you love with an unhinged person.

OP. A horrible situation, I’m glad you got legal advice. I would if I was you continue to sleep separate until a time real progress is made over a good period of time. Take this time to revaluate your life and maybe get some therapy. Your son at this moment of time is your most important priority. Remember your marriage will be the barometer to how he views future relationships. Do the right thing for him and yourself. If you want to give your wife another chance then fair enough, but remember this has to be a long term view and by that you have to see gradual changes rather than short term spurts that just revert back to the way things are. Tell your wife she has one chance. Tell her that her actions and threats are devoid of reality. You’re married, you have the same rights as her as a parent. Keep a journal to track progress or not, keep a record of threats also. Don’t stand for abuse anymore, what’s happening you is the same as being continuously punched in the face by her, would you accept that?

Respectfully, I totally disagree. OP accuses his wife of making idle threats and yet makes the same threats?

Yellow pack crisps

BBFAN wrote: »

Respectfully, I totally disagree. OP accuses his wife of making idle threats and yet makes the same threats?

She makes idle threats and is mentally abusive. Luckily and maybe you have not been in a mentally abusive relationship but that can make you a nervous wreck and can bring one to the point of being utterly desperate and that also makes a person vulnerable to desperately want out, but the OP obviously loves his son and in the cold light of day and on reflection is possibly the only reason he is staying in this abusive relationship.

screamer

From your post your wife sounds very insecure, manipulative and abusive. You only get one mother and those comments towards a terminally ill woman are just wrong.
I don’t know OP I know many a guy trapped in a loveless marriage to a pure cow because of kids..... do what is right for you.

Keyzer

First and foremost, if this was a man treating a woman like this he would be rightly crucified.

OP - you're wife has serious mental issues. She needs help.

Speak to a solicitor and document everything.

But most of all, do not move out of the house. Sleep in a different room, but do not move out. Otherwise you are fúcked.

valoren

I have spent time learning to control myself during this time of conflict

This jumps out for me. You are altering your own rational behavior, walking on egg shells so as not to further provoke trigger abuse.

Any time she is in hospital, I am made to feel like I cannot spend time with her. I am being placed in situations where my wife is asking me to spend less and less time. I wanted to spend an hour with my mum on Thursday but she wanted me to spend just 30 minutes. Nothing pressing, just wanted me home to be at home.

There is a new criminal offence under the new Domestic Violence Act 2018. Coercive control. Your mother is gravely ill and she has a problem with you visiting her at hospital. You are also being lied to and manipulated that she is in hospital to get attention. Clearly you have a back bone and have a problem with this. You're not being a door mat and she is playing the "I didn't mean what I said" card.

She is controlling of you and I would suggest speaking to the solicitor again with that in mind to determine if it is coercive. If you fear abuse from your partner because you wish to visit your ill mother then it is potentially criminal. Having contact with a solicitor to detail this will help you as she appears to be have a rooted toxic personality. It's been ongoing in the 15 years you've been with her with no discernible improvement. I'd be taking the latest steps she has with counselling with a pinch of salt. Remember, she is attending the sessions because you've stood up for yourself. Ask yourself. If you'd backed down, given in, would she be attending? Not likely as you mentioned. If she want's this to work, she will improve but from reading it sounds to me like she has this preconceived self-fulfilling prophecy of a broken relationship/family in her psyche i.e. she is from a broken family and she is behaving in a way which is leading to a breakdown in your family as well. She is a toxic individual who has had run-in's and bust ups in the past with practically everyone close to you.

.......

worried about future wrote: »

I have told her it is really disappointing that it took the actual ending of our relationship before she actually did something about it.

It actually didnt though - you are not out of it?

worried about future wrote: »

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt on this, mainly for the sake of my little one and I have returned to sleeping in our bed. Things are good between us but I'm focused now on doing what is best for myself and my little one. I've taken legal advice so I know my options.

I think you are making a mistake. Things WILL be good here and now because you have shown teeth and she got a fright.

But then you backed down and now you are back in the marital bed. She will dial it back, then spend some time getting you back in your box, and on it will go.

The ONLY solution here is to separate for a period of time. She has to actually commit to change and you have to see those changes. I dont know how possible it is for either of you to really change when nothing about the situation has changed.

You drew a line in the sand. But then in a matter of days you rubbed it back out. Like - its the 8th of January. You moved out of the bedroom on the 31st of December - and you are back in already? Thats just a worse argument than you had been previously having.

I understand you want to believe she is changing but until you get out for a while and see that change then you are in no position to trust it.

I fear you are just in a temporary reprieve, a holding pattern, until it ramps back up.

valoren

Yes, a holding pattern aka a cycle of abuse.

1. Tensions building 2. Incident 3. Reconciliation 4. Calm.....repeat

You are in an abusive relationship. Verbally and emotionally.
If she can berate your brother over something as innocuous as buying a coffee for himself then she clearly has no tact or respect. You correctly called her to account and she can't grasp what she has done wrong. As mentioned, she deflects from her trouble making by twisting the situation into you abusing her instead. You're head after 15 years of this must be melted but don't be hard on yourself. You said you're not perfect. Nobody is but you are clearly a rational and empathetic person and you know when you are wrong. You're not wrong to confront her. Unfortunately, it appears that she had deep, unresolved issues which have damaged your marriage.

She has called you a liar. Verbal abuse. You mention that she has threatened you with no access to your daughter. Emotional abuse. An impasse was reached when she looked to be so ridiculously controlling when your mother was ill in hospital. If you are at the point of making ultimatums, then the only effect this will have is if you see that ultimatum through. She needs to get help, she is doing so. Hopefully, she will get benefit from it but sometimes the person she is will be the person she will always be. If, in a few months time, she continues the cycle of abuse then you should look to take the ultimate step of divorce. She is using that as a controlling threat herself but this is further emotional abuse.

.......

Actually I forgot to mention in my earlier post. Its also important to separate right now so that you can get some perspective on the situation - something that is impossible for you while you are in it.

I think you would find if you said you were separating and actually stuck to it - not back in the same bed within a few days, that after a few weeks you would begin to really see clearly how you are being abused.

You need to get outside and look in, because from the inside looking out your view is totally distorted and after 15 years, you have no sense of "normal" anymore.

I also never addressed an earlier comment you made about your child.

The worst thing for your child is to have unhappy parents who are in a dysfunctional and toxic marriage. Your kid is learning what a relationship should be from you and your wife. They are learning dysfunctional behaviour.

If you get out and get healthy and non dysfunctional then your kid has a better chance than you staying in and being miserable.

The worst thing people can do is stay together for the kids - it ends up damaging everyone more.

Hyzepher

sorry OP but is it a daughter or son you have. Seems a bit odd that you'd make a mistake like that. May not be anything but seems odd to me.

hello2020

worried about future wrote: »

I have begged her. Begged her from the bottom of my heart to stop threatening to end the relationship, stop threatening to divorce me, stop telling me to get out of the house and to never lock me out again because there will come a time when I will go. The threats come when she needs to escalate the argument because she isn't getting her way. I think she knows I'l back down, and I do.

She tells me I am screaming in front of the child when I am merely talking back (and I am incredibly careful with my tone). if that doesn't work, she will continue to escalate until one of the threats above arises.

I begged her that, one day she will do it and I'll cross a line that I am not going to emotionally able to come back from.

This weekend crossed the line, I felt something just break in my feelings. I'm just too run down from it. I imagined that a partner would support you when times are crap. At the very least, don't make things worse. I'm in a situation that my mother is being called a liar and I am made to feel guilty about spending time with her.

This screams narcissism.

Please Google narcissism and you will understand why she behaves with you and others in this manner.

person with NPD lacks empathy and enjoy fighting and abusing others around them.

they do not even care for their kids unless they expect a gain ..selfish , manipulative and heartless .. but when they realize their victim is leaving them they change the tune and start pleasing them until they gain the power to start the abusive behavior again.

LegacyUser

Hyzepher wrote: »

sorry OP but is it a daughter or son you have. Seems a bit odd that you'd make a mistake like that. May not be anything but seems odd to me.

Its no problem. I have slightly changed a few details as I would be a regular boards user and a number of my friends are boardsies, only two of which know what’s going on. I have one son who is +- 1 months and we are together +- 1 year. Nothing else is changed. I’m here for advice and anonymity and the latter is impossible otherwise.

.......

Hyzepher wrote: »

sorry OP but is it a daughter or son you have. Seems a bit odd that you'd make a mistake like that. May not be anything but seems odd to me.

Dont people often change specific details in personal issues to preserve anonymity?

osarusan

worried about future wrote: »

Hello all, I just wanted to provide an update. Thanks all for your comments - it has given me a lot to think about.

On New Years eve, I told my wife that our relationship was over and that I didn't love her. I told her that I wanted to end it and move on because I was not happy. I also said I would be moving out in the coming weeks. This was essentially what I had said to her in the previous few days but I wanted to make it perfectly clear again.

When you said this to her, what is it you really wanted to happen?


I mean - did you really mean it? That you don't love her, that it's over, and that you will move out?


Or was it actually a way to get her to wake up and recognise how horrible she has been and start to fix your relationship?