Emotional distance - what should I do?

LegacyUser

With my boyfriend 18 months, all was very loved up and happy. Over a month ago I started noticing a bit of distance from him, both emotionally and physically as with Christmas business we did see each other less. But there were times when I did see him and his mind seemed elsewhere at times, and was less affectionate with me in general. I asked him once then were things okay and he reassured me that yes, they were. I put it down to him feeling busy in work/missing home coming up to Christmas and tried to forget it.

This might sound really immature and young but I've missed him over Christmas (we both went home to our respective hometowns for it). When we have spoke over the phone he feels even further away, no cracking jokes like he would have before, monotonous conversation tbh. Cuts before bed conversations very short as he said he's tired. Pushed off one or two plans, seems unconcerned about future plans. All of these things are fine/could have an explanation on their own but feel weird altogether. Feel like a bit of an eejit but it's been really affecting me and upsetting me over Christmas, to the point where sometimes when we come off the phone I'm in tears as the conversations can feel so cold and I just can't figure out why everything is so off.

I decided the best thing was to just tell him how I felt. I waited until major family days were over as it wouldn't have been the right time. I kept it brief and just said I've been missing him over Christmas, that I feel a bit of distance and I guess that I've been worrying over some plans being put off. He gave a swift 'don't be silly' and changed the subject really bluntly. Again, don't want to seem childish but I suppose I was hoping for more of a conversation than that. My worry is now even bigger as I wonder is this his way of closing down the relationship slowly/ or is this simply how he's acting and doesn't see anything off about it. And the worst part is, I feel shut off from bringing it up again if it continues.

Eimee90

You genuinely could be overthinking it. Not everyone is comfortable chatting on the phone and remember a phone chat is lacking eye contact and gestures all of which add to a conversation.

I know you expected some type of deep conversation when you told him how you felt, but from experience, a lot of people just don’t want these emotionally charged conversations and particularly not when he’s presumably at home with his family all in the mix of it.

If your boyfriend has confirmed everything is ok , just try to take that on board and enjoy the rest of the break. Things will be much clearer when you see each other next time.

leggo

Your feelings are valid. I know you may be nervous about pushing it in case you hear something you don't want to, but the flip side is that you know something is wrong and rest easy that it was in your imagination, then get hit with whatever is wrong anyway. Trust your gut. You know your partner well after 18 months and know when something is up. You're likely not wrong. If he says "Don't be silly," say something like, "No I'm not. You've been off lately. So I'd like to know what's going on?" Mild confrontation isn't necessarily a bad thing in relationships, it's better than allowing unwanted precedents that can destabilise things. If he shoos you away, then tell him you can talk again when he's ready to tell you.

Keep in mind, though, even if there is something up, it may not be about you or the relationship. There was a great meme a while back with a woman wondering what's wrong with her boyfriend and catastophising, then him thinking "Something's wrong with the car..." That can be very true. It could also be SAD or depression, Christmas can be a tough time for people thinking about loved ones lost, or it can just be stressful etc. But he's your partner and confidant, you're the person he's supposed to go to about this stuff, and it's not really on to be off with you if there is other stuff on. He can at least give you the gist to reassure you and ask for a bit off leeway while he figures it out.

LegacyUser

You've tried& tried& tried to get him to open up. Park it. If he doesn't want to communicate with you, leave him off. No more texts or phone calls from you to him. You've done your bit. You've made the effort. If he wants you, he'll contact you. But have enough love& respect for YOURSELF to leave him come to you now . And if he doesn't well then you have your answer.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Thank you for such kind and reassuring replies.

He actually ended it yesterday. So at least I finally got some honesty and know where I stand.

Be a tough new years but hopefully its all for the best. Thanks again.

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation you did everything right.

Eimee90

Cliath32 wrote: »

Hi all,

Thank you for such kind and reassuring replies.

He actually ended it yesterday. So at least I finally got some honesty and know where I stand.

Be a tough new years but hopefully its all for the best. Thanks again.

Im sorry to hear that , at least your instincts were right. Try not to let this get you down, it’s awful when it happens but st least you won’t be driving yourself mad wondering what he’s thinking. Enjoy the next few days and mind yourself.