Have some massive concerns re younger sister's BF

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this, title sums it up fairly well, I'll try and keep the narrative as short as possible:

Basically my younger sister, 21 (we'll call her Mary), moved to Spain last year to continue her studies in Spanish with uni. Within a few weeks she started seeing this lad (we'll call him Juan) who is the subject of this post. Things seemed to progress pretty fast for them, she even tried to bring him home to visit for Christmas last year - we knocked that on the head as a family given they'd only been together a couple of months and it seemed overly hasty.

That was grand anyway, she returned to Spain after and they eventually moved in together. Fast forward to the Summer and Mary was back home visiting, I enquired as to how things were with Juan and she said he'd gone a bit weird and she was going to break up with him - she told me he'd sensed things weren't right before she left and threatened to kill himself if she broke up with him. This was where my cocerns began, that kind of emotional blackmail threw up a big red flag with me and I encouraged her that if she felt that way it was best, to end things with him.

Mary returned to Spain at the end of Summer and said that she would be breaking up with Juan when she arrived back. She seemed to be getting on grand over the following months and never mentioned him so I presumed he was out of the picture; anwyay she gets back home last week for Christmas this year and tells me they're still together - that she "couldn't do it" and that I "don't understand".

Now to my concerns (my parents, especially my father are ignorant to pretty much all of these as Mary would never tell them):

-When she was back for the summer Mary revealed Juan had previously been in trouble with
the authorities over domestic abuse.
- He's over 10 years older than her (I know this shouldn't make a difference but she's 21 and living away from home for the first time, it just doesn't sit right with me)

Furthermore my youngest sister 17, (we'll call her Sarah) told me some even more worrying things about Juan and other stuff which Mary would never tell me:

-He's an alcoholic
-He'd sent her (Sarah) weird unsolicited messages e.g. a picture of a random baby captioned "The baby I will have with Mary"
- He once spat in Mary's face during an argument (I know anger never helps these situations but I almost cannot verbalise the white hot rage hearing this caused in me)
- Literally 2 days ago Mary went out with her friends whom she hadn't seen in months, at 05:30am Juan rang my mother and was shouting down the phone in spanish and broken english (he can only speak spanish) about how Mary had been taken away by boys?? i.e. he's pretty jealous/paranoid

Now just today Mary has revealed the Juan is coming over to stay with us for New Year's and a few days after. Sarah and I obviously are fairly apprehensive over this.
Furthermore apart from Mary I am the only person in the family who speaks spanish so I'll be obliged to talk with him a lot - knowing this **** has spat in my sister's face and who knows what else, I'm really really not sure I'll be able to maintain my civility.

Basically just looking for some advice as to what to do? If my parents knew the full truth about Juan there's no way they'd allow him in the house. I'm conflicted if I should let them know, given I only found out through my youngest sister who Mary told in confidence..

zapper55

Get some time alone with her. Make up some excuse, whatever you have to do. Dont criticise him as she's just get defensive and by the sounds of it will make excuses for him.

There's good advice here for you http://whatwouldyoudo.ie under witness advice. It's a government run site with guidance from experts.

s4uv3

Whatever else you do, stay on your sisters side. Do not fall out with her. She needs her big brother now, she's being abused, and keeping her on side may just be what you need to get her to open up and confide in you.

tony1kenobi

<Snipped>

Mod note:

Less of this, please. You can make your point without making light of the OP's issue. If you can't you are not being helpful.

punisher5112

Shocking advice to be honest.

You need to be there for her and I would suggest speaking with her about it.

Guys like this can be extremely good at messing with heads and have your sister thinking there will be noone else and she will be alone the rest of her life etc....


I would talk with the rest of the family also and discuss things.

I wouldn't want to be around that piece of sh1te once everything said is true.

She could do very much better.

Of course be there for her and voice your concerns but do this away from him.

zapper55

Telling the rest of the family is a bad idea. It will just push his sister away at a time when she needs him. It might take her time to leave what sounds like an abusive relationship. It might feel like he is protecting her by rushing in to save her but it could have the opposite effect.

punisher5112

zapper55 wrote: »

Telling the rest of the family is a bad idea. It will just push his sister away at a time when she needs him. It might take her time to leave what sounds like an abusive relationship. It might feel like he is protecting her by rushing in to save her but it could have the opposite effect.

They need to know to be honest.

I don't mean go running to them and then blowing it up so she runs off with him but sometimes you need to be told.

She needs rid.

GingerLily

Be careful, if you talk to your sister and advise her against her partner you might just isolate her against your family if she's not ready for those home truths.

I always think it's best to support the person and ignore the abusive OH, it's hard but you have to play the long game, you always want to make sure she feels she can come back home or talk to her family, and that means avoiding arguments about the partner. Its tough, but think about the long term.

zapper55

punisher5112 wrote: »

They need to know to be honest.

I don't mean go running to them and then blowing it up so she runs off with him but sometimes you need to be told.

She needs rid.

She does need rid. Your advice is well intentioned I've no doubt, but there's a reason the domestic violence website I recommended doesn't suggest that. It comes from years of experience that doong what you suggest will likely backfire and leave her more isolated but still in an abusive relationship and more vulnerable.

ozt9vdujny3srf

tony1kenobi wrote: »

<SNIPPED>

So your advice is to ignore all of the first hand information that OP has gotten from Mary, and the second hand info from his mom and sister, AND ignore anything he sees for himself? So ignore everything and stay out of it is your advice?

Come off it. It’s hard for people in bad relationships to see the wood for the trees - this is when friends and family need to be there for support and advice.

I don’t have a clue what op should do, but other posters seem to have given good advice.

LegacyUser

If he's an alcoholic& prone to jealous rages, his true colours will soon come to the fore when he visits your parents. He can't keep the mask on all the time, even with the language barrier people can read facial expressions& body language.

I'd invite lots of your/her friends around at various intervals for a gathering, party, or tea& chats. Ideally ones in couples- so she can be reminded what a normal relationship dynamic looks like. The more fun your sister has in Ireland,& the more loved she feels, the more she'll realise the toxic influence her bf is. With any luck she might even get homesick & want to return to ROI fulltime.

I would gently discuss with her (being "supportive") to contact Alcoholics Anonymous& Women's Aid & any other support group you feel relevant. Don't mention breaking up with him- she needs to come to that realisation herself.

leggo

Tricky. And having a younger sister around this same stage of life, my heart goes out to you as I don't know how I'd be in this situation. What I've learned is that any resistance to what they're doing will just leave you out of the conversation. People in abusive relationships need support and love, but they also need to be allowed to leave in their own time and when they're ready, as otherwise they'll just go running back and commit deeper. Your sister knows that this lad spitting in her face isn't right, she knows something is up and is likely torn between planning an escape and trying to salvage the situation. It's good that she's even talking to your younger sister about it.

Show her love, not resistance or judgement. Ask her general questions (don't let her know you know something is up) and make yourself available if she wants to talk. Trust her to be an adult and look after herself, that bit of leeway will buy you so much access where you can offer advice/support and actually help. Right now she needs to know she has a protective big brother who loves and will do anything for her...but will also give her space to manage the situation on her terms.

You don't have to be mates with this lad or even particularly friendly, but do be civil, it is still your sister's choice and if you're a dick and let your own feelings dictate your behaviour then all it'll do is push you away from the situation. It's a delicate balancing act, but handle it right and your sister could be out of this forever before you know it.

judeboy101

Trip him up while here, to show hos true colours.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you for the advice folks

I realise there's nothing to be gained from me being outwardly hostile from the getgo - I will remain civil towards him and be open and supportive with my sister.

However, if he starts acting up or in an overtly disrespectful/improprietous manner in our house towards my sister/family I'm afraid I will have to go at the ****er

Church on Tuesday

WorriedBro24 wrote: »

OP here, thank you for the advice folks

I realise there's nothing to be gained from me being outwardly hostile from the getgo - I will remain civil towards him and be open and supportive with my sister.

However, if he starts acting up or in an overtly disrespectful/improprietous manner in our house towards my sister/family I'm afraid I will have to go at the ****er

You are a better man then I am.

Quite frankly your sisters life is in danger. You're going to have to humor this lad for the time being because any hostility against him will be used as leverage against you and your family, but it won't be long until the mask slips.

That's what worries me.

At the same time I really think your parents and indeed your sister need to be made aware of this fellas actions ie. sending a pic of a baby in the likeness of a perspective future child to your other sister is beyond creepy, maybe let your sister know of that and have a chat about that?

Your sister already knows this guy is a bit odd so that's a building block and doubt. Maybe it will soon run out of steam, but I really think as a family, individually and in a calm way (non confrontational) have a chat about some of this to her when she is alone.

I don't want to sound condescending but she is still only a kid at 21.

valoren

All you can do is support her. Ask her if she is happy.
Tell her you want her to be happy and if she isn't that you will support her at all times.
She is an adult now, hard as it may be to see it as she's your little sister.
She, as an adult, needs to determine what is acceptable behavior for her.
Getting spat on in the face hasn't made her see that so it will be difficult.
It is clearly a controlling, obsessive relationship. The old reliable "I'll kill myself if you leave me" being the clincher.
If you get a chance to speak privately with your sister, then explain the emotional blackmail pertaining to that. It really is the laziest method of control. Hopefully she will get some insight but do it under the guise of wanting her to be happy. Hopefully she'll ask you what you think of him. I'd recommend just saying "Naaaaah" i.e. you don't approve. Make it as sarcastic as you want.

The worst thing you can do is confront him. This will merely provide a source of victimhood for him which he will likely exploit to further keep ties with your sister. If, however, he has acted inappropriately in your company, was insulting etc then by all means call him out on it.

BBFAN

It's such a difficult situation. My daughter is with a fella who is about 1/3 of what she deserves but the more I condemn him the more she defends him so I've had to learn to withdraw from the situation and hope that as a adult she will eventually realise that he is an arsehole and that I am close by for her to fall back on.

All I can do is provide a safe place for her to come back to.