Decision

JosephG

I’ve posted a very long time ago and need some impartial objective advice.
With OH for lots of years, pressure is on to move the relationship forward but I have baulked continually. I am posting looking for objective viewpoints on what is a complex and really challenging decision for me. I love my OH but find certain aspects of our relationship very difficult. When we are on our own, everything is superb, close, loving, supportive, funny etc. However, there is one area that has continually caused me anxiety from about six months into our relationship – namely what she refers to as ‘other women’.

I have never cheated on my OH and have never ever had any inclination to do so. In fact, my OH would often state that she does not believe I would cheat but that it’s not about that. She says that she feels extreme discomfort at the thought of me having any contact with other women, so much so, that if I do not accede to the rules, she would be prepared to walk away. I have responded that I would happily move the relationship on if this stuff stopped, but she has reiterated there is nothing she can do – its too painful for her.

I can have no contact with other women, be it in work or outside. Now this may sound like a fairly one-dimensional request but it has had serious ramifications for me personally and professionally.

I have fallen out with my next-door neighbor who I have known for 40 years. Admittedly she was not very welcoming to my OH, but the situation escalated to the point where my OH asked that I call in and explain we would no longer have any contact. I did this and we haven’t had any contact since. This is a difficult one to deal with as my families were also affected by this situation. I have since moved out of my house to live with her at a much greater distance from my work, as she couldn’t deal with feeling intimidated and threatened by this lady.

I have also reduced contact with a valued work colleague who I am forbidden to text or call socially. My workplace interactions are expected to be no more than professional, but this is quite difficult as interactions are unavoidable and I’m trying to avoid as much as possible without totally undermining my professional integrity.

There are numerous other acquaintances from college, where I grew up, work etc. whom I am unable to remain in touch with. I am forbidden to use face book or use the gym in our organization - despite mu protestations that almost everyone on the staff uses it. I have been told that me being in any form of unnecessary contact with other females is forbidden. Social events are difficult for me to attend, as I am always on high alert for acting in a way that might upset my OH – e.g.: having a conversation with a female colleague.

I am trying and have tried to reassure her and cut good friends out of my life and to some degree I have succeeded. The relationship at home has improved, as she has felt more secure. Instances where things have become heated beyond the verbal stage are very rare – but they have occurred in the past, the most recent being as a result of another female colleague trying to pull me (and others) out onto the dance floor at a colleagues wedding.

The conundrum for me is that while I can manage the situation from day to day, the thought of a long-term commitment frightens me. All the alarms go off on my dashboard. There are times I feel controlled, isolated, lonely, victimized and unfairly treated. My OH has plenty of contact with members of the opposite sex in her job but I would never interfere. I do not believe it is my place to do so and try to deal with my own stuff. I am worried that I might crack personally and, that professionally I cannot sustain this way of operating. I love this girl deeply but feel I am left with a lose – lose scenario where there is no option which allows for flexibility and negotiated success. I must emphasize that her position is extremely polarized and one of my greatest difficulty centers on my inability to judge what is deemed acceptable and what is not. The simplest of social occasions can be challenging as I try to figure out whether there are any members of staff attending that make her uncomfortable. Recently she invited an (old) female friend of mine to dinner. I was surprised but went along with it, considering it progress. However, the friends phone was broken and I received a text a few hours before confirming she would attend. My OH was furious that the friend would text me and not her as she was organizer– TBH I paid for the dinner and couldn’t see the fuss – I was questioned as to the level of contact between us and given out to for not reporting the text immediately. My OH expects that if certain people ever text, I must report it to her – but sher no one really texts anymore.

My fear is that I cannot sustain this going forward. I feel out of control in the sense of how detached I’ve become. I worry that things going quiet is because I’ve stopped fighting and am merely doing what’s required. My background is complicated but I have spent years working with professionals to help me understand and deal with my own pathology. I have tried to give a brief snapshot of the situation but it is truly difficult to describe in detail all the events, the emotions involved and their effects. I thank you in advance for any assistance or advice you give.

strandroad

She seems completely irrational. She needs some therapy on her own but I'm not sure if there is any way forward for the two of you, this is beyond typical couple problems that can be resolved by talking them through.

How did she arrive at the idea of making things forbidden for you, and why did you comply? You never cheated on her, was it just out of the blue?

Panthro

That's not normal. She's trying to control you.
Tell her if there's any chance of moving the relationship forward, she needs to address her own issue.

Personally I'd be gone tbh.

zapper55

Her behaviour is completely deranged. And this is her on her best behaviour presumably? Before a proposal etc. I would run fast. And before she gets pregnant or you guys get married. You must feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells.

What she is doing isn't normal or fair to you. I cringed so so much when you mentioned having to tell your neighbour that you couldn't talk to her any more. What does your family and friends think of her?

listermint

It wouldn't be ok for a man to be this controlling and manipulative. It would be classified as abusive behaviour.


Its not ok for a woman. Confront it or leave.

Sardonicat

Your girlfriend is abusing you.

retro:electro

You posted about this before didn’t you?

threescompany

Oh this is not normal behavior. It’s controlling & absusive. Sometimes when you are in the relationship it’s easy to look at the positives & brush away the negatives but I would have serious concerns about moving forward. She needs counseling to address her problems. Best of luck for the future.

LegacyUser

That's abusive controlling behaviour

secman

Your gut instinct is telling you that this is an unhealthy relationship, she is not trying to control you, she is controlling you, this is mental abuse. You are not in a loving ,caring , sharing two way relationship. Do yourself a huge favour and do what your gut feeling is telling you END it, for your sanity.

Serious best of luck.

Ursus Horribilis

retro:electro wrote: »

You posted about this before didn’t you?

I was about to ask the very same thing. This is all very very familiar. Please explain why you ignored all the advice given when you posted about this at least twice before.

People are already starting to tell you the very same things they told you last time. You've got to understand how infuriating it is to take the time to write a reply only for it to be ignored.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057498719&page=1

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057494175&page=1

ratracer

You’ve been going out for years. 6 months in you noticed difficulties.
Neighbours of 40 year see the problems.....but you don’t?? You’ve posted about this before,

Take up gardening and try grow a pair!!

smeal

OP you may not realise it but you are in an abusive relationship as you are being controlled. This could very easily lead to situations in the future where she would begin to control you on other parts of your life like talking to family members or male friends and could easily lead you down a very isolated dark path. Then it is very easy for other forms of mental or even physical abuse to happen. I would appreciate her reactions to women a little better if you had previously cheated or if she was threatened by one person in particular such as an ex and made you cut contact but forcing you to cut contact with every female in your social path is borderline psychotic. As other posters have said, either force her to address what clearly his her problem or else get out before you are stuck by a ring or a baby. Best of luck.

BnB

After reading your previous threads I simply cannot believe that you have continued to spend a further 3 years in a relationship with this girl.

@ to your boyfriend.....…???

The fact is that you have lost 3+ years of your life plus numerous friends to this woman and it is all your own fault. You have known for 3 years that it is not normal but you decided to stay. It is still not right and you still know it but yet you are still questioning of ye should move on to the next level (by which I presume you mean get married)

You have 2 choices and it is completely up to you

1) Dump her, cut all ties and start your life again

2) Marry her in the clear knowledge you will have a miserable time for the rest of your life

BuboBubo

You have a few choices here.

1. Stay with her, be miserable forever. Half the people you will meet in day to day life are women. It's completely ridiculous to be banned from speaking to them.

2. Remain together, on the condition she gets psychiatric help, because she's clearly not happy or stable.

3. Leave. Which would probably be the wisest thing to do. Look after yourself, you only get one life. She's obviously miserable now, she won't be any more miserable alone.

Sardonicat

Imagine the kind of life you'd have if you married her. Imagine the kind of life your children would have if you choose to make this woman their mother. She'll control them too. Damage their ability to exercise agency in their own choices. Seriously negatively effect how they view relationships between men and the women and how they view you.

Unanimous

OP, it seems like you are the only one in the relationship prone to cheating that's why she deems it fit to box you while she goes about living a normal life.
It seems like she is the only one one who has concerns in the relationship that should be addressed and has addressed it and gone on to make herself secure.

You on the other hand trust her and have no issues. you are the problem in the relationship and should be subjected to all she has done to you. You also seem to agree with her to an extent that you are the problem and that's why you have made all these changes while she can keep her friends etc.

Wake up! If you have an issue, address it and let them know what makes you comfortable. If your comfort which is within reason affects her security, both of you need to make adjustments or go separate ways.
What you are doing is not making peace in the relationship but giving up your rights based on the assumption that you are the potential problem in the relationship and should be subjected to these control measures.
Only criminals are imprisoned like that and they can't fight against it because they are the problem hence the confinement.

You have to think about this and decide if you are the problem and if you should continue like that.

retro:electro

I fail to see why anyone should take time out from their day and Christmas break to offer the same advice they heedlessly gave you 3 years ago. What do you expect people to say this time that will make the penny drop? You are more than aware of what is going on, you are more than aware that she is manipulative, isolating and abusive. You are more than aware of what you’ve already lost. What good is it hearing that all over again? What will it achieve exactly? You already know everything that everyone is telling you. If you’ve not left her by now I doubt a few words of advice from strangers on the internet will coax you.
You’ve only got one life to live, is this what you want yours to be?

Ursus Horribilis

Either you are trolling or you have psychological issues. I notice that you’ve a tendency to start these threads then mostly run away from them. If you are for real, then what good is writing repetitive long posts on an Internet forum going to do for you? Nobody here can solve your problems for you. So either you accept the miserable life that awaits you or you pull on your big boy pants and take some personal responsibility. You’ve been given the facts. Repeatedly.

Kidchameleon

This is your own fault OP. Enjoy your life of misery unless of course you decide to grow a pair.

Please listen to this advise though.... DO NOT IMPREGNATE OR MARRY THIS WOMAN