At risk of loosing friendship can someone help?

biabelle

About a month ago I was due to go on a night out with a friend, I had very bad Period cramps and told her I would be not drinking and coming home early. She went mad at me and told me to suck it up and got very angry at this as she wanted to out for the night. I went anyway and stayed out until she was ready to go home around 3/4.
Tonight we were supposed to be going out, I had genuine intentions but I was working the past two days (im a nurse) and today I feel awful with headaches sore throat etc so told her I wouldn’t be going out tonight. Now she is after going mad at me again claiming I’m being disrespectful and making a fool of her for making plans and not following through, and said she’s never making plans with me again. I feel so stressed right now and feel like crying. I’m afraid of loosing her friendship. What should I do?

TheChizler

Did you post about the first incident before? Does this happen often? Sounds like she's trying to manipulate you again, why wouldn't she if it worked the last time.

IMO you just need to put the foot down and if she stops inviting you it's her loss. No friendship is worth the intentional stress she is putting you under, if that was you that last time.

Del2005

She sounds like a friend you can do without. Forcing you out when feeling unwell and then having a hissy fit about it.

Sunflower 27

Why are you friends with someone that clearly doesn't give a damn about you? She is using you for company when she goes out and that is it. I couldn't imagine treating someone I cared about like this. Get rid of her and find some friends that genuinely care about you and your well-being.

biabelle

I am genuinely sick and need to put myself first. I know if I go out tonight I will end up 10x worse tomorrow morning and will be forced to miss work which I can’t afford to do. I wish she could see I was genuine.
Last time I went out I didn’t flake I went for her despite being crippled with cramps.
I have cancelled last min in the past a week after my mums anniversary where I wasn’t feeling it but feel it’s a bit harsh to say I’m being disrespectful and making her look a fool. I’m also worried when she said she’ll never make plans with me again as she is the only one of my friends I have to go out with the rest are all married with kids etc or not in the country.
This has added to my stress and illness now as she hasn’t replied to my message after I apologised. Could she just be saying this in the heat of the moment?

Dalomanakora

I can recall at least two more recent posts by you about this friend.


You really need to take the advice you've been given. She's not your friend.

TheChizler

She's saying it because she always says it and it always works. You know you can't go so tell her early and she'll be able to make alternate plans. Show your not a pushover.

punisher5112

You're a nurse so you should know better.

You need to look after yourself and maybe try sticking up for yourself.

She is obviously using you.

Going out getting drunk isn't the be all and end all.

Tell your your really not well and can't make it, don't get dragged into all sorts just say we will do something next weekend etc etc.

You really need to think of looking for a better friend.

Wanderer2010

Have you got no self respect? Tell this woman straight out that you are too tired after working very hard and wont be going out and that you will contact HER when you are ready. Then sit in the silence. She will either have a hissy fit and act like a child, in which case you can just say "I have enough of dealing with you, goodbye" or she can say that's fine like any mature adult. Then you will know where you stand. Simple.

Paddy Cow

biabelle wrote: »

About a month ago I was due to go on a night out with a friend, I had very bad Period cramps and told her I would be not drinking and coming home early. She went mad at me and told me to suck it up and got very angry at this as she wanted to out for the night. I went anyway and stayed out until she was ready to go home around 3/4.
Tonight we were supposed to be going out, I had genuine intentions but I was working the past two days (im a nurse) and today I feel awful with headaches sore throat etc so told her I wouldn’t be going out tonight. Now she is after going mad at me again claiming I’m being disrespectful and making a fool of her for making plans and not following through, and said she’s never making plans with me again. I feel so stressed right now and feel like crying. I’m afraid of loosing her friendship. What should I do?

You shouldn't be afraid of losing her friendship because she's not a good friend. Focus on making new friends, instead of trying to maintain this one sided one.

Ursus Horribilis

You've posted before, haven't you? https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057932153 Unless there is someone else on boards who suffers from bad period cramps and doesn't know that there is a big difference between lose/loose and losing/loosing....

You were given lots of good advice on the other thread. Did you read any of it or are you hoping that you'll be told something different this time? You're getting all the same answers you got last time. Your friend is still toxic and you're still terrified of "loosing" her. What gives?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, when you last posted about this friend about a month ago you were already telling her that you probably wouldn't be up to going out at Christmas and she told you to "suck it up". Isn't that right?

I understand why you're not up to going out, but I can also see why she thinks you're lying and making excuses as you have been telling her you would probably be too tired etc, and now suddenly you're not well.

This friendship doesn't seem like it's particularly fun or carefree for either of you. What are you getting out of it? I think I remember you saying that if you lose this friendship you'll have nobody to go out with. Well if you're only using her as someone to go out with, then I suppose she has a right to be a bit miffed that you want to keep her as a friend so you can socialise with her, but you only want to socialise with her when you feel like it.

Sardonicat

Stop being a doormat. You owe this person nothing. Work 0n your self esteem and make new friends.

Do you work in a hospital.? Literally hundreds of potential friends to be made from all backgrounds.

Paddy Cow

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You've posted before, haven't you? https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057932153 Unless there is someone else on boards who suffers from bad period cramps and doesn't know that there is a big difference between lose/loose and losing/loosing....

You were given lots of good advice on the other thread. Did you read any of it or are you hoping that you'll be told something different this time? You're getting all the same answers you got last time. Your friend is still toxic and you're still terrified of "loosing" her. What gives?

I have to second this op. You were given pretty much the same advice on the last thread that you're being given on this thread. There is no magic advice that anyone here can give you to make her be a better friend. She is always going to expect you to be up for going out when she wants. She's not going to accept your perfectly reasonable excuses for cancelling and there is nothing we can tell you to relay to her that will change her mind.

Either you need to tell her to cop on or phase her out. Otherwise you will just end up in a never ending ground hog day of posting here when she is being unreasonable and looking for advice that we can't give you on how to "fix" things with her.

biabelle

I just hate fighting with someone and having that air between us. Do you guys think she will come round or ever even speak to me again?

Sardonicat

biabelle wrote: »

I just hate fighting with someone and having that air between us. Do you guys think she will come round or ever even speak to me again?

Why on earth would you want her to? She treats you like crap and never considers your needs. Seriously, OP, I don't mean to offend you at all, but I really think you'd benefit from talking to a therapist about your low self esteem. Emotionally healthy people don't mourn the loss of a toxic and one side relationship.

Dalomanakora

Maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. We don't know her, so we can't tell you.

That said, you do seem to cancel on her a lot. Three times just recently?


Don't get me wrong, I understand you have genuine reasons and I would cancel plans too if I felt rubbish emotionally or physically, but at the same time, I can kind of understand a friend being annoyed if one keeps changing or cancelling plans.


It doesn't excuse her outbursts, because she's an adult and should be acting like one, but maybe it's for the best if you both go your separate ways.

You cancel a lot, she can't cope with your cancellations, so it's time to move on tbh.


It's not a friendship anymore, it's an inconvenience to you both.

LegacyUser

Why do you feel it is acceptable to be controlled by another human being who is supposedly your friend, your peer?

Do not discount the previous therapy advice, you have alarming self worth issues if you can't see how wrong it is that she treats you that way.

I'd be gravely concerned over how someone with your apparent lack of self esteem is an ideal target for some dirtbag "romantic" partner who would have a much larger scope to take control of your life than a "friend" would, and unfortunately there are some out there who would take full advantage of that and treat you as their obedient subservient.

Not all abuse is physical. Many abusers can be perfectly nice and normal people 95% of the time, but the 95% does not excuse the 5%. Can you not see that this person you for some reason call a friend is an abuser?

splinter65

biabelle wrote: »

I just hate fighting with someone and having that air between us. Do you guys think she will come round or ever even speak to me again?

She’s not your friend. You and she are not compatable as friends. You don’t get along well or enjoy each other’s company.
You need to accept that and stop putting yourself in these situations that you find distressing. It’s no ones fault. But one of you needs to break up this “friendship”. She doesn’t care about you in any real way. She just wants someone to go out with at night.
Find another friend who you feel free to make casual social arrangements with that you can cancel without there being all this fuss. I’m sorry your upset.

wirelessdude01

biabelle wrote:

I just hate fighting with someone and having that air between us. Do you guys think she will come round or ever even speak to me again?

Let's be honest, you're better off without her in your life as she is just an added stress. A real friend wouldn't act in this manner towards you. She actually sounds like an immature primary school aged girl.

Sardonicat

Why?? wrote: »

I'd be gravely concerned over how someone with your apparent lack of self esteem is an ideal target for some dirtbag "romantic" partner who would have a much larger scope to take control of your life than a "friend" would, and unfortunately there are some out there who would take full advantage of that and treat you as their obedient subservient.

This

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you not want to lose her friendship? It doesn't sound like you're exactly friends. You have said that you don't want to lose her friendship because then you'll have nobody to go out with.

So it sounds like you both use each other for socialising but outside of that have little in common.

So, maybe if you don't like going out with her and feeling stressed and pressured then it's time to let the 'friendship' go. Neither of you seems to particularly like the other. So call it a day (she seems to regularly threaten to not go out with you again, yet here you are on thread 3 of going out with her). So let her not ask you to go out again. It could be the push you both need to expand your social circles and find other people who you might actually enjoy socialising with.

EdgeCase

That's not a friendship. You're hanging out with a manipulative, self centred control freak with no empathy.

I wouldn't even bother responding to someone like that.

Caranica

OP it's time to stand up for yourself. You had great advice on your last thread but here you are back again. There are so many great people out there. Don't waste your time, energy and headspace on a drain like her. You are worth so much more but only you can put you first. Be brave, and don't look back. I did it with my so-called best friend a few years ago and I haven't looked back. Just wish I'd done it sooner

LegacyUser

Periods are usually regular as are your cramps it would appear. If you know you’re going to be crippled a particular week or weekend why are you planning to meet up with same person only to use the same excuse for cancelling repeatedly. There are at least three other weekends and weeks a month when you can be pretty sure you won’t be dying of cramps.

Sardonicat

Notauser18 wrote: »

Periods are usually regular as are your cramps it would appear. If you know you’re going to be crippled a particular week or weekend why are you planning to meet up with same person only to use the same excuse for cancelling repeatedly. There are at least three other weekends and weeks a month when you can be pretty sure you won’t be dying of cramps.

OP's "friend" tells her when they are going out. Thinks she should "suck it up " if plans coincide with OP's period and will not countenance postponing. This was covered in the last thread.

khaldrogo

biabelle wrote:

I just hate fighting with someone and having that air between us. Do you guys think she will come round or ever even speak to me again?

Why would you care? Nobody needs a friend like that. I'd rather spend my time alone tbh

Ursus Horribilis

If this was a romantic relationship, people would be telling you that you had an abusive partner and that your relationship was unhealthy. All you have to do is read this forum for a while to see how corroding the fear of loneliness is. People in bad relationships and bad friendships putting up with all sorts of unpleasantness because they're afraid of the alternative. The fear of being single and not finding someone else. Or, as in this case, not having anybody else to socialise with and being stuck at home in PJs every Saturday night.

If you think this woman is a friend, you have a very warped idea of what a friendship is. The first definition of friend I found when I googled it was "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection". So where exactly is the mutual affection here? All I'm seeing here is a toxic relationship between two people who don't appear to like or trust each other. Two people who are using each other as a wingman on nights out because they have nobody else to socialise with any more.

Instead of starting all these threads on boards because this "friend" of yours has attacked you again, you take control of the situation. Cut this weapon out of your life and work on expanding your social circle. The sooner you snap out of the mindset whereby you must not lose this "friend" of yours, no matter how miserable she makes you feel, the better.

witchgirl26

OP I hate fighting with people and hate having an air between myself and someone I'd consider a friend too. However that said, this girl is not your friend. If the only contact you really have is in relation to going on nights out and she goes mental at you when you cancel or don't want to go for legit reasons, then she is selfish and a bit of a user. There is no need for a fight as such but you do need to stand up for yourself. You're a grown-up so act like it. Tell her to calm down, that her tactics won't work and that you're not going out because you're not well and have responsibilities to your own health and work. Leave it at that. Don't reply. Don't rise to her name-calling and other things.

If you don't want to go out again, don't make any excuses just say you don't want to go.

She may not talk to you for a while or even again but realistically do you need that kind of person in your life that makes you dread their messages arriving into your phone?

biabelle

I appreciate all the comments guys and I do agree that her behaviour is over the top. A lot of you say we use each other, I don’t use her. Yes she is my only friend that I can go out drinking with, but I do also enjoy her company. We used to talk everyday hours on the phone and I would tell her a lot and she to me. I felt close to her and she would be my first contact should any minor girlie drama occur. Hence why I don’t want to loose her friendship.

I understand I let her down and how frustrating it is. I have had friends cancel last minute on me before too so I know how it feels but I have never acted the way she did. Telling me she is never making plans with me again, me being disrespectful and she is extremely fed up of me made me feel like a child being told off

Ursus Horribilis

If you don't want to "loose" her (seriously, it's lose, never loose) then it's time to redraw your boundaries. You're looking for more from her than she's ever going to be. She's not a good friend but probably fine as an acquaintance. If you stopped acting like you give a rats over her, it might put whatever you have back onto a more even keel.

Mostly though, you need to move on from this friendship and work on finding new friends.

biabelle

We haven’t communicated since Wednesday, she didn’t reply to my message where I apologised for letting her down and for the way she felt. I know she is waiting for me to message her but where do I even start. I’m actually afraid because I’m scared she will reject me. We were again supposed to be going out tomorrow night and she has just posted a picture with another girl saying can’t wait to be reunited with my bestie tomorrow.. I guess that was intended for me in some senses.

Sardonicat

Have you actually read any of the responses on this thread?

What do you want to be told?

Oh yeah she's horrible now go crawling back for more?

Make new friends.

Paddy Cow

biabelle wrote: »

I appreciate all the comments guys and I do agree that her behaviour is over the top. A lot of you say we use each other, I don’t use her. Yes she is my only friend that I can go out drinking with, but I do also enjoy her company. We used to talk everyday hours on the phone and I would tell her a lot and she to me. I felt close to her and she would be my first contact should any minor girlie drama occur. Hence why I don’t want to loose her friendship.

I understand I let her down and how frustrating it is. I have had friends cancel last minute on me before too so I know how it feels but I have never acted the way she did. Telling me she is never making plans with me again, me being disrespectful and she is extremely fed up of me made me feel like a child being told off

All friendships are based on people using each other but as long as it's mutual, it's a healthy friendship. You used to be close to her emotionally and confided in her but it sounds like now she has pulled away from that part of the friendship and wants to be a going out buddy. You can't save the friendship if what she wants out of it, and is willing to invest into it has changed.

It's also not healthy for you to rely so much on one person. Everyone needs emotional support but it should come from a variety of people. Put yourself out there and make more friends and you will be less inclined to put up with this sort of behaviour.

Paddy Cow

biabelle wrote: »

We haven’t communicated since Wednesday, she didn’t reply to my message where I apologised for letting her down and for the way she felt. I know she is waiting for me to message her but where do I even start. I’m actually afraid because I’m scared she will reject me. We were again supposed to be going out tomorrow night and she has just posted a picture with another girl saying can’t wait to be reunited with my bestie tomorrow.. I guess that was intended for me in some senses.

Whether you like it or not, her behaviour shows that she is moving away from this friendship. If you're really insistent on trying to save it, the only thing you can do is text her saying "hey, what time are we meeting tomorrow?" or something like that. If she doesn't respond then you know it's over. If she does, go out and see if things are normal or strained. Being rejected is better than walking on eggshells. At least you can accept the situation and move on.

TheChizler

Leaving her hanging and not confirming you won't be going in good time is probably the worst thing you can do, and she'd have a legitimate grievance then IMO. Text her and say you're sorry but you're not feeling well enough to go out and you hope she enjoys her night.

Paddy Cow

TheChizler wrote: »

Leaving her hanging and not confirming you won't be going in good time is probably the worst thing you can do, and she'd have a legitimate grievance then IMO. Text her and say you're sorry but you're not feeling well enough to go out and you hope she enjoys her night.

She's not leaving her hanging though. She texted on Wednesday to apologise for not going out and her friend is ignoring her and posting pictures with her new bestie.

TheChizler

Paddy Cow wrote: »

She's not leaving her hanging though. She texted on Wednesday to apologise for not going out and her friend is ignoring her and posting pictures with her new bestie.

I got that she was apologising for the previous time, maybe I'm picking that up wrong.

Edit: I had it in my head that it was a new years thing she was cancelling, not a night a couple of days ago.

You've apologised op and it's up to her to accept it or not. You've nothing to apologise for IMO, you had a legitimate reason and beyond the sending your regrets there's not much more to say. It's she expecting you to grovel?

Sardonicat

TheChizler wrote: »

Paddy Cow wrote: »

She's not leaving her hanging though. She texted on Wednesday to apologise for not going out and her friend is ignoring her and posting pictures with her new bestie.

I got that she was apologising for the previous time, maybe I'm picking that up wrong.

She did apologise for the previous time. She's now being excluded from plans for the next time but still wants to be her friend.

splinter65

OP you are just glancing through the replies to your problem but your not getting the answers you want.
Wouldn’t it be more honest to ask here the question you really want answered?

YoungRogerian

If she values your friendship, she'll come around, if not, she really isn't worth the hassle. What age are ye? If ye're very young, early 20s etc I'd say something, but i ye are in mid to late 20s or beyond, I think your friendship needs to be based on more than going out. that's not a friendship to me, that's a drinking buddy. Drinking buddies are ten a penny and ultimately not that important. If she is a genuine friend then she needs it made clear that you are not there for her to walk all over. At the same time, you need to be gentle and diplomatic, no point making the situation worse.

Rosie Rant

I had a friend like this for way too long. She would give me the cold shoulder for days if I ever cancelled plans with her, even if I had genuine reasons. She would throw a massive hissy fit if I was two minutes late meeting her, even though she would consistently be half an hour to two hours late herself. She would sulk if I spent time with other friends, family or my partner instead of being at her beck and call.

I made excuses for her for the longest time. "We've been friends for so long," etc. Then one day I realised how one-sided the relationship was. I would always be a listening ear for her but every time I had something I needed to talk about she would turn the situation into another reason to talk about herself.

Cutting that toxic, self-centered person out of my life was one of the best decisions I ever made.

BBFAN

OP, this is at least the 3rd time we've seen this exact same thread.

If you're constantly letting her down I fully understand why she's pissed off. Stop making arrangements and pulling out.

If I was your friend I'd be thinking exactly the same thing "drama queen". I'm not going to make arrangements with you again, why would I when you've cancelled 3 times?

Purple Mountain

Hi OP.
This may sound harsh but I feel having read this thread and others that it's warranted.
You both sound immature for 20 something year old professionals. Sorry, but I'm saying it as I see it.
You're tip toeing around her waiting to see if she'll text you to absolve you from your sin, meanwhile she's posting childish pictures online clearly trying to goad you.
Nobody in their 20s and especially working in a career like yours should be reliant on one single person for their social needs. If you work in a hospital you have many avenues to make new friends. I don't buy that they could all be partnered up in their 20s.
Put yourself out there on work nights out. Get introduced to their friends. Join a sports club. Sign up for salsa.
There's way more to life than going out drinking with only one particular girl in the whole of the country!