Think I want a baby but terrified

theoldbreed

Everyone seems to pregnant at the minute and I'm feeling really stressed about it.
I'm mid thirties, married, secure job, my husband also has a secure job.
I thought about children on and off but was too busy travelling and with my career. Now it crosses my mind a lot.
Am I ready? Will I ever be? I'm terrified of the changes it will bring, I'm terrified of not being financially secure enough. I'm terrified how my body will change...I'm just terrified.
Is this normal or should I just put it off for a while, as I said I'm 36...I don't have time to play around...That terrifies me too...
Has anyone else felt like this?

Loveinapril

Do you definitely want kids? If so, then you should really sit down with your husband and come up with a plan. Your age is definitely a factor here and it could also take you some time to get pregnant. I had my first child last year at 34. I felt somewhat ready, but the reality of being a mother was so much tougher than I expected, but I think that's normal. There is an element of just surrendering to it for the first while. People say the first year is the hardest. Your whole life changes, and I found that incredibly hard. I am in the early stages of pregnancy with our second baby now and I know that I am just going to have to submit to the madness for a few months next summer when baby arrives. Having a child completely changes you and your relationship with your partner so you really need to commit to it fully if that is your choice. It is the best thing I have ever done though, even though it is terrifying.

theoldbreed

Loveinapril wrote: »

Do you definitely want kids? If so, then you should really sit down with your husband and come up with a plan. Your age is definitely a factor here and it could also take you some time to get pregnant. I had my first child last year at 34. I felt somewhat ready, but the reality of being a mother was so much tougher than I expected, but I think that's normal. There is an element of just surrendering to it for the first while. People say the first year is the hardest. Your whole life changes, and I found that incredibly hard. I am in the early stages of pregnancy with our second baby now and I know that I am just going to have to submit to the madness for a few months next summer when baby arrives. Having a child completely changes you and your relationship with your partner so you really need to commit to it fully if that is your choice. It is the best thing I have ever done though, even though it is terrifying.

Thank you for your reply.
Do I definitely want kids? I don't know definitely but I would like them. Yes the whole life changing thing scares me beyond belief.
We have spoken about it, he has a daughter, she's 18 now so he knows more than I do about it which is good in a way.
When you say your relationship with your partner changes, how do you mean?
We went through a very hard time over the last year and are coming out the other side now. This also plays on my mind.

listermint

There is no right time for kids.

Anyone who tells you there is is waffling.


If you want them then just do it. If you don't want them then don't.

If you keep doing mental gymnastics about the logistics of it all then it will never happen. Bring it down the a basic yes or no . Would we both like to have kids ?... Then that will give you your response to the question

SusanC10

If both you and your Husband want Kids then just go for it.
Our first child was unplanned but I am so glad he arrived when he did. FIL would never have seen him otherwise.
We planned to get pregnant the second time but it took a while and then we lost the baby.
Third time took some more time but our daughter arrived safe and sound if a little early.
After my maternity leave I was made redundant and my Husband had several pay cuts but we managed.
We could have put off having Kids because the timing wasn't right on paper but I am so glad that we didn't.

Metroid diorteM

Wanted kids my whole life. Planned, prepared, for financially stable, bought a house, super flexible job etc.

Utter nightmare. My kid is ****ing flawless but being a Dad is hell on earth.

My wife who didn’t want kids now wants more. I’m convinced my lifespan has been halved.

Metroid diorteM

Metroid diorteM wrote: »

Wanted kids my whole life. Planned, prepared, for financially stable, bought a house, super flexible job etc.

Utter nightmare. My kid is ****ing flawless but being a Dad is hell on earth.

My wife who didn’t want kids now wants more. I’m convinced my lifespan has been halved.

If there are errors in my post it’s because I’ve had about 3 weeks of sleep in the past 3 years.

Big Bag of Chips

You will always be waiting for something. Better job, bigger house, more money etc. Life happens and we deal with it. If you want children then now is the time to have them, because you will deal with them when it happens. You will adjust spending etc.

I'm not sure if you are genuinely 'terrified' of all the things you mention or are you just using that word. But if you are terrified then that is something you need to address with your GP. It would be normal to be nervous, anxious, mildly worried about everything but to be terrified is many steps beyond that.

Your body will change during pregnancy. It doesn't necessarily mean you will have a different shape after pregnancy. There is nobody I can think of, and I know a lot of mothers whose bodies dramatically changed after having babies. Nobody who piled on the weight as you often hear people talking about. If you don't over do it during pregnancy there's no reason why after the baby is born and all the associated 'stuff' leaves your body that things won't go back to what they were. Age will cause your body to change moreso than pregnancy i think.

It simply comes down to — do you want children? If you do then everything falls in to place. Thinking about it and considering everything is mature andc sensible. Being 'terrified' is something that might need a bit more attention.

theoldbreed

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You will always be waiting for something. Better job, bigger house, more money etc. Life happens and we deal with it. If you want children then now is the time to have them, because you will deal with them when it happens. You will adjust spending etc.

I'm not sure if you are genuinely 'terrified' of all the things you mention or are you just using that word. But if you are terrified then that is something you need to address with your GP. It would be normal to be nervous, anxious, mildly worried about everything but to be terrified is many steps beyond that.

Your body will change during pregnancy. It doesn't necessarily mean you will have a different shape after pregnancy. There is nobody I can think of, and I know a lot of mothers whose bodies dramatically changed after having babies. Nobody who piled on the weight as you often hear people talking about. If you don't over do it during pregnancy there's no reason why after the baby is born and all the associated 'stuff' leaves your body that things won't go back to what they were. Age will cause your body to change moreso than pregnancy i think.

It simply comes down to — do you want children? If you do then everything falls in to place. Thinking about it and considering everything is mature andc sensible. Being 'terrified' is something that might need a bit more attention.

Absolutely you're right, I am probably being a tad dramatic saying terrified. I am a worrier anyway so anxious and nervous would be more it.
Thank you

Loveinapril

theoldbreed wrote: »

When you say your relationship with your partner changes, how do you mean?

There was a lot more bickering at the start. You are so exhausted that everything bothers you. I know we are not unique as friends have said the same but I cannot tell you how many rows we had over who is more tired/ who had more sleep/ whose turn it is to get up etc. The tiredness is incredible and definitely worse with a newborn. Our little guy is 13 months and is sleeping through the night about a month but he still wakes at about 6am. We are firm turntakers with getting up with him, it is the only fair way to do it. The housework will suffer and you will probably argue about that. When you are on maternity leave you will be dying for him to get home from work to take over but he will probably come in wrecked from work so you may argue about who had the hardest day. It is totally ridiculous but it does settle- some babies are great sleepers and you may not have to deal with that at all. There are so many great changes too- there is nothing I love more than hearing my husband make our son laugh. I love him in a totally different way, despite us being together over a decade before we had our kid. It feels lovely to be a family of more than just the two of us. Our son brought a lightness to our lives and we laugh so much more now.

combat14

theoldbreed wrote: »

Thank you for your reply.
Do I definitely want kids? I don't know definitely but I would like them. Yes the whole life changing thing scares me beyond belief.
We have spoken about it, he has a daughter, she's 18 now so he knows more than I do about it which is good in a way.
When you say your relationship with your partner changes, how do you mean?
We went through a very hard time over the last year and are coming out the other side now. This also plays on my mind.

I would be more concerned about your relationship with your partner ..
Having a baby puts enormous pressure on some relationships.... Are you prepared to raise a baby by yourself if it comes to that ...

splinter65

theoldbreed wrote: »

Absolutely you're right, I am probably being a tad dramatic saying terrified. I am a worrier anyway so anxious and nervous would be more it.
Thank you

Not every couple are suitable for parenthood. Not every woman is suitable for motherhood. If you’re feeling “terrified” at the prospect of becoming pregnant and becoming a parent and dwelling obsessively on the negatives, then I would imagine that, rather then feeling broody, you’ve just recently become conscious that at 36 years you are running out of time. That is true, you are.
And your prospective baby is running out of time too. If you had a baby next year, then the day your baby starts secondary school you will be nearly 50. You will be having teenage issues to deal with, as a first time parent, right through your 50s, and a college student right up to retirement age.
Being a parent means making a lot of sacrifices, and ideally for the child who is paramount here, you need to be making those sacrifices with a very willing happy heart. Think carefully.

theoldbreed

combat14 wrote: »

I would be more concerned about your relationship with your partner ..
Having a baby puts enormous pressure on some relationships.... Are you prepared to raise a baby by yourself if it comes to that ...

Every relationship has its issues. Sometimes things are tough but you work through it. Surely every couple have had issues before babies and women don't go around thinking they may have to raise baby alone. That's utterly depressing.
Everything has to be considered for sure hence why I'm asking questions.

Peatys

What ever plan you draw up, will go out the window when junior arrives.

Think about it this way, how many kids are put up for adoption in Ireland? None. Can't be that bad so.

You seem like a good person. You don't have to be the best parent in the world, just good enough.

And you'll be back traveling in a few years anyway. We do more traveling now with a 4 & 5yr old then before kids. We want to show them as much as we can.

theoldbreed

splinter65 wrote: »

Not every couple are suitable for parenthood. Not every woman is suitable for motherhood. If you’re feeling “terrified” at the prospect of becoming pregnant and becoming a parent and dwelling obsessively on the negatives, then I would imagine that, rather then feeling broody, you’ve just recently become conscious that at 36 years you are running out of time. That is true, you are.
And your prospective baby is running out of time too. If you had a baby next year, then the day your baby starts secondary school you will be nearly 50. You will be having teenage issues to deal with, as a first time parent, right through your 50s, and a college student right up to retirement age.
Being a parent means making a lot of sacrifices, and ideally for the child who is paramount here, you need to be making those sacrifices with a very willing happy heart. Think carefully.

Yes absolutely. Thank you for your advice.

TheBoyConor

theoldbreed wrote: »

Every relationship has its issues. Sometimes things are tough but you work through it. Surely every couple have had issues before babies and women don't go around thinking they may have to raise baby alone. That's utterly depressing.
Everything has to be considered for sure hence why I'm asking questions.

It's actually good cautionary advice. Having kids puts tremendous stress on a relationship, as many people on here have given first-hand testimony on.
The stresses of parenthood can and do break many relationships and marriage up. and realistically, in the majority of broken family cases, it is the mother of that ends up doing 90% + of the child rearing.
it follows from that that it would be prudent to take the approach that unless you are willing to deal with the eventuality of raising a child single-handedly then you should not have them in the first place. It's a very big risk and should not be taken lightly.

Ursus Horribilis

There is never a perfect time to have a child. If most people waited until all their ducks were lined up in a row, the human race would almost die out.

It sounds like you want to have a child and that's a good basis to start with. The only reservation seems to be your relationship. Have the reasons for your troubles been resolved? Does your partner want a child and is he a good dad to his daughter? Even if the worst came to the worst (I'm not suggesting it will), would he be a good co-parent?

shesty

I have three and I am 36.Eldest is 4.Kids are bloody hard on your relationship.I know I read somewhere that you will love your sppuse more than ever when you have a child but jesus, you will also hate them murderously.And you do-moreso when there is more than one child!!
That said-being a mother is....undescribable.My seven month old fell asleep on my chest earlier with his little hand on my neck.It's a feeling I can't put into words.My two year old loves coming along for a snuggle-she regularly hugs her baby brother when nobody else is handy.It is beyond hard but those moments outweigh all the tough ones.
Your age is a factor.Not just for fertility and chances of conception, but for tiredness.The younger you are, the more energy you have.And kids require energy.If you think you would like kids, then yes, you probably should start now.I would definitely suggest you talk to your other half about it.Tell him your worries and find out what he's thinking.Yes, life changes when you have kids, but one thing you truly realise is that it's not forever, you aren't stuck in the baby years forever.There is no perfect time to have kids, and you will never be ready.But once you are happy this is something you both want then go for it.

wiggle16

As has been said previously, your body will change during pregnancy but I don't know of anyone either whose body or figure drastically changed permanently. Once the baby is born your body begins to return to its former state as the hormones your body produces during gestation begin to die down. Any bit of extra weight is just that, extra weight, that can be lost through diet and exercise as usual.

The other side to that is that, even if your body did change after having a baby, I don't think you would care as much as you think you would, and your body will change with age anyway. Not saying you wouldn't care at all, but your priorities change after having a child. I'll never have kids and would happily become a fat blob if it meant that I could.

Kidchameleon

Whatever you do, you need to decide very quickly. Dont put it off for a year or 6 months, sit down with ur husband and make a decision. Your clock is ticking away fast if you do want a child.

LegacyUser

Deciding to have a baby is not a black and white decision, with pros and cons. It will change your life forever immediately. Everything changes.

The only question you need to ask yourself is whether you and your partner love each other. If so, the rest will follow.

I have three children. Their births were the three best days of my life, wedding day number four.

I always knew this one truth - that me and my wife loved each other and got on so well together, and still do, that any child we had would be lucky to have us as parents. It sounds arrogant, but I knew we were a solid couple, and that makes a great Mum and Dad for any baby. That made it easier. The day you have your baby in your arms will be the best day of your life. It surpasses everything times a million. I, and all parents, know this.

shesty

Edelwiess wrote: »

Their births were the three best days of my life, wedding day number four.

The day you have your baby in your arms will be the best day of your life. It surpasses everything times a million. I, and all parents, know this.

This.Times a million.There is no travel or career that comes even close to measuring up against this.Yes it's hard ,and yes you both need to be prepared to be in it together.But the changes it brings?Honestly, there is nothing like it.You don't truly know until they place that bundle in your arms.It is unbelievable.

witchgirl26

OP honestly I know how you feel. I'm pregnant with my first but up until the end of last year the idea of a baby and motherhood terrified me. I couldn't put into words what scared me about it, maybe it was that it's the ultimate grown-up thing to be responsible for another human being so completely, but it terrified me.

I don't know what ultimately changed my mind. It was a combination of recognising that time was limited for having a baby (I'm 33), that there is no magical "right time" to have one, that my body would figure out the how itself without my brain overthinking it, that no-one is ever fully ready (despite what they may think themselves sometimes) and that it's ok to be scared. It's life-changing and that is naturally scary and it's ok to feel that way. I'm still scared! I think anyone who says they aren't at all are lying a bit!

Sit down and talk with your partner. Understand if this is what both of you want in the future (leaving out all the worries but if a child together is what you ultimately want).

Dial Hard

You need to sit down and talk to your husband. It's not clear at all from your post whether he actually wants more children. You need to establish that first and foremost. You also need to be very clear with yourself whether you actually, genuinely want to start a family, or is there an element of this being a glue baby to try and fix your marriage after the issues you had. I'm aware of how harsh that sounds but unfortunately it's incredibly common and it's possibly the worst reason of them all to have a baby, imo.

theoldbreed

Dial Hard wrote: »

You need to sit down and talk to your husband. It's not clear at all from your post whether he actually wants more children. You need to establish that first and foremost. You also need to be very clear with yourself whether you actually, genuinely want to start a family, or is there an element of this being a glue baby to try and fix your marriage after the issues you had. I'm aware of how harsh that sounds but unfortunately it's incredibly common and it's possibly the worst reason of them all to have a baby, imo.

Thank you all for your replies.
Yes he does want a baby, as I said he already has an 18 year old so I've seen what type of father he is. He loves it. He does want another.
Wanting a baby has been playing on my mind for a while now, before we had our problems. I in no way think a baby would bring us closer together at all. You're right, it is incredibly common unfortunately. I just feel like I don't have the time to dilly dally with this decision and that's stressful in itself.

caviardreams

shesty wrote: »

This.Times a million.There is no travel or career that comes even close to measuring up against this.Yes it's hard ,and yes you both need to be prepared to be in it together.But the changes it brings?Honestly, there is nothing like it.You don't truly know until they place that bundle in your arms.It is unbelievable.

Everyone is different though. Not everyone wants children, and for some people a career or other freedoms may be more rewarding than having a child would be for that person. I think it is really a personal decision and different for everyone, sorry OP, I know that doesn't help! However, there can be a very real pressure if you are a female of a certain age not to feel "this is what society expects me to do" and "everyone says it is the best thing in the world so surely I must want it too?". For some people, yes it is the best thing in the world, for others it may not be, even if everyone tells you this. Don't be afraid to do what you want to do.

theoldbreed

caviardreams wrote: »

Everyone is different though. Not everyone wants children, and for some people a career or other freedoms may be more rewarding than having a child would be for that person. I think it is really a personal decision and different for everyone, sorry OP, I know that doesn't help! However, there can be a very real pressure if you are a female of a certain age not to feel "this is what society expects me to do" and "everyone says it is the best thing in the world so surely I must want it too?". For some people, yes it is the best thing in the world, for others it may not be, even if everyone tells you this. Don't be afraid to do what you want to do.

Yes I agree with this also, thank you x

shesty

Everyone is different.Unfortunately it is a very binary thing-you don't know how much it means to you until you have a child, and you can't exactly give it back if it really doesn't suit.It's hard to explain it in words, I suppose but for the OP don't wait for a lightbulb moment to go in in your head and a huge longing to develop for a child because it doesn't really work like that for most people.It's really up to you to decide what you want from life, and realise there is no ideal time and nobody is ever ready to be a parent.And that's a normal way to feel.

Dalomanakora

If you would like a child and so would your husband, go for it. You're unfortunately in a position where your fertility is slowly dwindling to its end, so time isn't your friend if you want to procrastinate.


Considering you mentioned issues in your marriage that have been resolved, I'd strongly recommend that before you start trying, you should both see a relationship counsellor. It'll help you both to communicate better, make sure 100% that any past issues are totally in the past, and help set you up as a team ready to take on the idea of parenthood.


Best of luck with whatever you choose.


Speaking as someone who is child free by choice, I will say one more thing - if you feel a desire to have a child, which you mentioned, then go for it. You may live to regret it if you don't. Anyone who doesn't want children, knows they don't want children. People who do want kids, are sometimes terrified of the prospect like you, but it still niggles in their mind.


It sounds like you know what you want but you're afraid to go for it. It'll never, ever be the right time, you'll never ever be fully mentally, emotionally, physically or financially ready. And none of it matters. It'll all work out, whatever way it's meant to.

BBFAN

Jesus OP, I feel for you I really do, in my day there was no agonising about the decision, I was pregnant and that was that. But in saying that I will NEVER EVER regret it, best thing I ever did in my life.

I have 3 and they are my reason for living now I'm older. If you want them just go for it, you'll kill yourself trying to decide when the right moment is and then it will be too late.

MissShihTzu

I would so love to be in your position, OP. I married late and gynae issues meant I had an endometrial abalation, followed by a hysterectomy a couple of years later, so all hope of having a baby had gone.

Don't jump into a decision, but keep talking and thinking it through. Whatever decision you make, it will be the right one for you and your marriage.

I wish you luck, either way