Was getting back together a mistake?

igotissues

My husband and I seperated at the start of the year. We went to mediation and we found a property for him. We were getting on really well because neither of us was letting the other bug them with all the usual niggles. Also, he had given up drink and went to addiction therapy which really helped. The house fell through. A week later he brought over a "just a friend" , which I have posted about on here previously.
I got really upset and I felt with the house falling through that I wanted to give it another shot.
I asked the story with the woman and was told just a mate.
He agreed to try again. I put 100% into it- he had two big issues with me , my timekeeping and being messy. I am making a massive effort with these. I also rolled back into kissing, hugs, cups of tea and sex- making a big effort to be a good partner.
I don't feel he is making the same effort. He refuses to dial it back with this "just a mate". He texts her multiple times a day- nothing sexy, but hi, how was your day, look at this joke, how was work etc.
They Skype 3 or 4 times a month and chat about work, movies, shoot the ****. He is planning to go to 2 courses with her for work (she lives in the UK) He said bringing his sister who works in the same area would be "ruining his fun" and he could see what I was at and I could **** off.

He bought her a Christmas present - he is never organised but he got it in time to post to her gift wrapped etc. He also got me the same present. He shopped for noone else (he never does, i buy his family and our kids)- not even his brother who turns 50 next week. This really upset me.

He dismissed it and said I was narrow minded and dramatic about their relationship. He criticises me a lot. For example , He will say if I ask- yeah, you look nice except that skirt makes you look big on the legs , for example. He says this is stating facts.

He also screams at me if I mention her and ask him to dial it back. He says he will not be controlled by me and wpuld leave me rather than listen to my morals.
He would have done similar when I asked him to please not drink/ questioned his drinking.
He gets very angry if people don't hold a similar opinion to him. He gets angry very easily with everyone close to him but not people like her who are further away.

I really want this to work. I am prepared to help him through recovery; hey I stayed with him for 15+ years as an alcoholic. He does not accept/admit that the alcoholism hurt and damaged me and the kids (possibly too early in recovery)

However his relationship with this woman is really upsetting me very much. He has said that he doesn't find her sexually attractive but he is attracted to her on a human level. He also said in the past when we were split that be hoped she would declare her love and he would rebuff her "like a gent" (playing the hero would be his M.O.)
When we were split and also just after we got back together he sent her messages such as Missing you already and "I think you are excellent in all you do" and "I hope you feel a spark in your soul from your dance class"
The messages have been toned back in content but not frequency.

I am scared if I do something to annoy him he will revert to more intimate talk.
I annoy him a lot- sometimes if I say Hi the wrong way or look like I'm sulking or say something he doesn't like ... so I am constantly on tenterhooks.

As I say, we have been together 20 years, young family. I do love him a lot but I'm afraid I have made a mistake because what if:
1. This is not just a mate. I don't know what it is- some sort of obsession?
2. He is actually emotionally abusive. What bothers me most is he rarely tells me how he is feeling but if I say I am hurt/ upset he says No, you are not, you are just being dramatic. You feel x, you are thinking y.

What do you think?
I asked him to go to marriage counselling witg me and he said he would think about it. Is he capable of change?

amdublin

I appreciate you wrote a long post. But if I was to answer your actual question (What do you think?) It would be a very short response.

Op. What do YOU think?

Read back over your post like it was someone else posting on boards. What would you respond?

igotissues

Hmm, I don't know. If it were someone else I would say run. But I appreciate that when in a situation that isn't so easy.
I love him and am able to put up with the anger and criticism. The drink got to me eventually which was major reason for ending it. That is now gone as such for several months and fingers crossed for life.
But yer one is in the picture and it is proving a bridge too far esp when I see him being sweet to her and getting irate at me.
If he ended his friendship with her, I wouldn't feel as upset. But he won't and refuses to accept it upsets me.

The Bishop Basher

Several months off drink isn’t a lot tbf.

From what you’re saying, he needs to go sort himself out before he can be remotely ready for a relationship..

The emotional abuse won’t stop till he does that and he may never get there.

In the meantime it seems like your just settling because it’s what you know.

That’s no way to live your life imo..

Big Bag of Chips

But if he ended the relationship with her, he still wouldn't be nice to you. How can you love someone who has do little respect for you? Do you love the idea of him. Do you love who you think he could be?

He's not very nice to you. He's eroding your confidence and making you think you can't do any better. The truth is you mightn't meet anyone else (very unlikely, but it's a possibility) but I think in your situation I'd view being on my own as better than what you have at the moment.

So to answer your question, yes, I think it was a mistake to get back with him. It sounds like he's only back so he has a roof over his head, and maybe sex whenever the mood takes him. It certainly doesn't come across the that he loves you or wants to be in a relationship with you.

igotissues

Yes BBOC, I love the idea of who he could be.
He can be sweet. I saw how nice he could be to her, and I wanted some of that. Not sure why he can't be like that to me.

He says he loves me and can be v sweet to me but he has very rapid mood changes. And when he gets mad, he gets very mad. I can see he is trying - but it appears a huge effort for him, but not with her (but then they aren't living together, bills, work, kids , stress)

uck51js9zml2yt

That he says he "would leave rather than listen" to you says it all.

Why are you with him? I'd be telling him he needn't listen and to pack his bags...or better still..pack them for him.

igotissues

Taliyah Squeaking Handle wrote: »

That he says he "would leave rather than listen" to you says it all.

Why are you with him? I'd be telling him he needn't listen and to pack his bags...or better still..pack them for him.

He says there is no way he will leave. He knows I can't afford to buy him out. In mediation he wanted to stay here til he retrained ( 3 years).
I know it's only 2 months since we got back but we were together 20 years and I want some reassurance that we are back for the long haul. He won't give it- he feels it's too soon.
I'm worried he'll jolly us both (me and her) along anf then choose when he changes careers in 3 years. He did mention " sure she wouldn't wait" when inasked if he was dling this
and I was thinking- was this even in question that she would be waiting and for what?!

But anyway, I don't mind that I bug him or anything. I just wish she wasn't another layer. We have enough to work through without the added complication of her.

Rosepetals85

This is like reading my life, ten years, broke up beginning of the year to a partner that has a drink problem and some woman in the scene... i too was willing to work it out with him; he lied and lied about her saying she was doing a website for him until I discovered birthday card saying how much she was in love with him, I found a note saying missing you already with a love heart behind the back of the bed to emails from hotels confirming them booking hotels around the country for the two of them... at first I believed him and her. They both spun me this web of lies but something didn’t feel right and I done my own research and that when I discovered it all. I have walked away as living a life like that is horrific and you are only torturing yourself. If he had any respect for you he would sever all ties with her but he won’t...: buying her the same present as you... I’d be gone

leggo

Yeah, at the very least this seems to be an emotional affair that he's having with her. Like I wouldn't worry yourself too much about "Why won't he treat me like that?" The reality is you know what the real him is like to the people that are close to him, it's easy to project a positive image of yourself to someone you barely have to see, that's probably why he's done it so he can feel like he's this good guy and really all of the negativity that comes from him is through you.

I'm glad you saw the alarm bells with the three years to re-train aspect, I was going to say it if you didn't. And his answer wasn't satisfactory at all.

On his 'recovery': part of a full recovery from alcoholism includes accepting full responsibility for the hurt your drinking caused. Based on what you say and the relatively short timeline of his sobriety, I'd be concerned that this may not stick. His recovery seems to be propped up by this toxic situation: having this other girl around, re-training in work, having you and his home back, being able to get away with being a bit of a dick because you're trying hard to make it work etc. Those things can't all co-exist forever and, if he hasn't made a full recovery, his sobriety may fall when one of these elements finally gets the heave. The worry for you (and your kids of course) is that if the part that goes is this other woman, you've got to deal with 100% of the relapse all on your shoulders, then his recovery resets back to day 1 again if/when you get the drinking under control.

The sad reality here is that that is probably your best bet of getting the normalcy you want: she disappears of her own volition (which you can't control), he relapses but is then forced to do a full recovery and accept responsibility (not a given by any means), with no other options he accepts that this is his life and finally makes the effort required. It's not a tenable situation really, is it?

It's so easy to say and so difficult to do, but I think you need to start mentally making your peace with all of this now and stop trying to force an untenable situation to work on your own. There are always ways around it. I know one couple who split (in a not at all dissimilar situation, resentful recovery included) and the wife had to re-mortgage half the house to buy her husband out, which she thought of as unthinkable at first, but seemed like a dawdle to get peace of mind and her life back by the time it was done. Once you've got your head around it and made yourself okay with how life would go on without him, ultimatum time: she's gone, he accepts responsibility for what he's done, he re-commits to his marriage and family or he's out the door forever. Don't settle for anything less than 100% of that and don't have the chat until you're mentally ready to. If you don't get all of that and his respect back, follow through with it and be done with him for good.

Big Bag of Chips

What he's giving you is all you're going to get from him. His general treatment of you is pretty bad. Yet you are focusing on one aspect, his relationship with his 'friend' and you're thinking if only she wasn't around then things would be better. They wouldn't. Things were bad before she was around.

If you are OK (I won't use the word 'happy', because clearly you're not) with him completely disrespecting you, disregarding your feelings and basically looking on you as a fly in his ointment (although one that keeps a roof over his head and sex whenever) then you need to accept that this is it. This is your lot. He is not going to change. And he is not going to change because you have let him know that you 'don't mind'. He will treat you how you allow him to treat you.

Separating is always difficult, and it can seem like the only option you can afford is to plod along. But there are always options. Always. It could be worth a visit to somewhere like MABS. You won't be the first in this situation.

Also, I'd be sceptical of the house deal that fell through. He says he has no intention of moving out. Sounds like he never had any intention of moving out in the first place, and why would he?

igotissues

Thanks, both those messages make a lot of sense. I know in my heart to be true but I am afraid.
're the house- I know it fell through because I was the one doing all the paperwork and dealing with bank, realtor etc.. He doesn't like getting involved in paperwork stuff.