Weird behaviour

LegacyUser

I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now. There's one major issue - he
clearly does not like when I bring up or discuss my family or friends. At the
beginning I thought I was imagining it, but now it's constant. Don't get me wrong
I'm not the type to bang on about family and such, but we could spend hours
talking about his childhood, his Mam, his best friend, his brother, his dogs! But
whenever I even bring up someone momentarily, even just a brief reference to my
sister for an example, he'll either outright ignore what I said or run on the conver-
sation to something else.

If this was anyone else, I would consider them self-absorbed,
but this is the thing, when he asks me about my day - he will pay attention to what
I say and he actually cares enough to properly listen, discusses problems etc. He'll take the time out to give considerate advice etc. Just recently he went above and beyond to look after me when I was sick. He remembers trivial likes and dislikes that I have. He's very complimentary. Basic stuff that if he was massively selfish he wouldn't be bothered with. That's what I don't get.

I find it weird, I've never had this issue before. You either get someone who's
inherently selfish or the fairly normal person who actually wants to know about
your family and friends and both people share in equal measure. I can't even
bring up my cat without him getting into a sulk at this stage! At the start I even
had to change pronouns for male friends because he'd get the hump. And just
recently (what influenced me to start the thread), I told him that my mother
had passed away a couple of Christmases ago and that it was a tough time of year
for us as a family. He barely acknowledged that, I'm fairly sure he just said "you
poor pet" and then rushed it onto how his mother had had cancer (she's long since
recovered) and how awful it was for him. I didn't even know what to say.

I should add that he's funny, smart, he can be very kind etc., etc., an all round...self
proclaimed..."nice guy". I'm stumped over his weirdness with my family/ friends though. Any thoughts?

zapper55

My thoughts are why are you four months with someone that makes you feel like you have to change your friends genders when you speak about them and who sulks (never mind the fact that he sulks about what sane people would consider normal conversations). It must be awful o be on such eggshells around him. Have you brought his strange behaviour up with him?

Have any of your family or friends met him? If so what do they think of him.

Also I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your mam.

Sardonicat

<snip>

Giant Red Flags!

It sounds like he wants to be the only significant person in your life and is already training you to adapt to this by sulking and withdrawing his attention and affection when you discuss others who are important to you. You are already changing how you relate anecdotes to him by changing pronouns.

Sulking when you discuss your pet!? That's weird and nuts, OP. The kindress, consideration and affection he shows you are tools to punish you with via withdrawal when you don't comply to his wants.

Get out. Now. Run, don't walk.

ginandtonicsky

Yeah it's weird. But if it were me and everything else was above board, I'd really want to discuss it with him and know what the deal is.

Have you brought it up in conversation? I'd start with the mother example. "I found it really hurtful when I tried to talk to you about my mother recently and you shut down the conversation and moved it back to your family. I've noticed that you do that a lot, you don't like to hear about my family and friends. Why?"

Sorry about your mother OP. I can imagine Christmas is really difficult and the least you should be able to rely on from a partner is love and support this time of year.

Shop40

OP, get out of this relationship. Sounds possessive to me, and frankly odd as hell. You have been warned.

jk23

ginandtonicsky wrote: »

Yeah it's weird. But if it were me and everything else was above board, I'd really want to discuss it with him and know what the deal is.

Have you brought it up in conversation? I'd start with the mother example. "I found it really hurtful when I tried to talk to you about my mother recently and you shut down the conversation and moved it back to your family. I've noticed that you do that a lot, you don't like to hear about my family and friends. Why?"

Sorry about your mother OP. I can imagine Christmas is really difficult and the least you should be able to rely on from a partner is love and support this time of year.

I second this OP, if you think he is a decent guy don’t just run, I don’t like the hysterics posted on threads like this about running away and making people out to be psychotic before trying to even try and maybe solve the problem.

I would ask why he is acting like that and if decide then if his answer is enough for you to continue

messy tessy

jk23 wrote: »

I second this OP, if you think he is a decent guy don’t just run, I don’t like the hysterics posted on threads like this about running away and making people out to be psychotic before trying to even try and maybe solve the problem.

I would ask why he is acting like that and if decide then if his answer is enough for you to continue

He is getting into a sulk about her talking about a cat, she feels she has to change the gender of her male friends so he won't kick off. And he flat out ignored when she told him about her mother. Ffs. It is beyond me why people put up with crap in relationships.

Sardonicat

jk23 wrote: »

I would ask why he is acting like that and if decide then if his answer is enough for you to continue

You think he'll respond truthfully?
He's emotionally manipulating her. No adult should have to ask another adult "Why are you sulking?" His emotional responses are not her problem to figure out, which is what he's making her do, and adjust her behaviour accordingly til "Nice Boyfriend " returns.

This is classic stage 1 of emotional abuse and is likely to escalate.

OP needs to see this behaviour for what it is for her own sake.

jk23

Sardonicat wrote: »

You think he'll respond truthfully?
He's emotionally manipulating her. No adult should have to ask another adult "Why are you sulking?" His emotional responses are not her problem to figure out, which is what he's making her do, and adjust her behaviour accordingly til "Nice Boyfriend " returns.

This is classic stage 1 of emotional abuse and is likely to escalate.

OP needs to see this behaviour for what it is for her own sake.

She knows that this behavior is weird that is why she asked for advice here and I think by asking she will get an answer on why.

It sounds to me he is very jealous for some reason of relationships with other friends and pets which is odd and can be a reason to end a relationship.

I think she should leave him but only she knows if he is worth staying with or if she should run.

TheBoyConor

He sounds like a self absorbed controlling jealous prick.

Why you even still with him?
It's only 4 months dating. If I was in your situation and at this 4 month stage of development and my date stated acting like this I wouldn't even be asking for explanations or for them to be more considerate. I'd just be saying it was nice dating you, we're not as suited as I thought. Good luck and good bye. Then block and delete and move on.

Jessie1965

You seem charmed by his good qualities but in my emotionally abusive men (and women) always have a charming side to bring out to you and this charm is just intended to make you stay with him so he can continue playing basketball with your head.
You may have met someone honestly selfish before but this guy is more dangerous to your mental health. He may end up doing damage that he will blame you for, or do underhand things like spread vicious lies about you, or try to. His deviousness is glaring at you but you've never seen it before. Deviousness like this can end up in really confusing ways of abusing a person. Mental confusion is terrifying so just get away from him now before it gets worse. Emotional abuse isn't caused by a mental illness, it's caused by an evil, mean nature. Venom instead of blood in their veins. Psychosis means a loss of insight into ones problems, by the way. It doesn't always imply evil intentions in a person. I have knowledge about mental health issues. Evil is a choice and evil choices in relationships can be ingrained from youth. My advice: get out but don't hurt him or incite revenge. Look out for yourself.

nthclare

Jessie1965 wrote: »

You seem charmed by his good qualities but in my emotionally abusive men (and women) always have a charming side to bring out to you and this charm is just intended to make you stay with him so he can continue playing basketball with your head.
You may have met someone honestly selfish before but this guy is more dangerous to your mental health. He may end up doing damage that he will blame you for, or do underhand things like spread vicious lies about you, or try to. His deviousness is glaring at you but you've never seen it before. Deviousness like this can end up in really confusing ways of abusing a person. Mental confusion is terrifying so just get away from him now before it gets worse. Emotional abuse isn't caused by a mental illness, it's caused by an evil, mean nature. Venom instead of blood in their veins. Psychosis means a loss of insight into ones problems, by the way. It doesn't always imply evil intentions in a person. I have knowledge about mental health issues. Evil is a choice and evil choices in relationships can be ingrained from youth. My advice: get out but don't hurt him or incite revenge. Look out for yourself.

Best walk away from narcissists without any drama, thumb's up

CorkCBR6

nthclare wrote: »

Best walk away from narcissists without any drama, thumb's up

A fella who doesn't have much interest in your family and friends? Real shocker 😂

I think that's nearly every guy in the world!

Thepillowman

Op I know someone in a relationship with someone similar, at the start all round nice guy to everyone. Then he started slowly isolating his partner from friends, let his mask slip to one or two of her family and was called out on it which he didn't like. Of course she can't see anything wrong with his behaviour and it has got to the stage of where he now has her completely isolated from her family. He is a narcissistic pr#ck so my advice to you would be get out now as fast as you can. Probably not what you want to hear but now is the time to go.

Fakediamond

This is the early stage of grooming. He can keep up the considerate side until he has you well and truly hooked, while giving you not so subtle signals that your emotional needs mean nothing to him. The behaviour is designed to confuse and desensitise you, nice/nasty, apparently thoughtful/indifferent to your needs, it’s classic narcissistic behaviour really. He will learn everything about you, all your weaknesses and insecurities to be used against you in the future.

You’re getting good advice here op. Trust the gut instinct that brought you to this forum to air your unease and heed the warnings. Get out now.

LegacyUser

CorkCBR6 wrote: »

A fella who doesn't have much interest in your family and friends? Real shocker 😂

I think that's nearly every guy in the world!

There's a huge difference in not being interested and getting into a sulk!

OP, even if his behaviour is completely innocent, it's beyond rude and frankly a bit d*ckish. Family and friends are an integral part of one's life. If the relationship were to continue he'll have to meet your friends and family. How is he going to react to that? Pout in their presence? Sulk? I mean, my male friends ask after my family and other friends as I would ask after theirs. We take an interest in each other's lives. I'd expect at least the same with a partner.

I would find his behaviour worrying to be honest. You can't even talk about your pet. That would indicate a jealous/possessive attitude to you having affection for something/someone else. I'd be inclined to say walk away, too much hassle too early.

jk23

Everyone has a mask they show to the other partner at the beginning, you get to know the real person after a few months maybe a year. Most people have both good and bad characteristics.

You are lucky that you are seeing this extreme behavior early. I think judging by the majority of posts in this thread you have a good idea of what is the best thing to do. But it’s your decision

Jessie1965

A fella who has no interest in your family or friends? If you date someone for a few months, surely getting to know each other is equal to talking a bit about your own gifts, dreams, your likes and dislikes then. If you don't expect much, he might just treat you like a handy "thing" to have his wicked way with! Seriously though, put effort into being with people who share your values and gifts. Don't waste time underestimating yourself. You'll get no reward for false humility which is just disguised laziness and or fear. Ask for encouragement from loved ones or tell them what motivates you. They'll repeat it back to you. They'll help prevent you from losing focus or falling into endless passing pleasure seeking. This causes defeatism in those who don't embrace life fully by accepting do able challenge. Embrace life. Aim at what you're good at. Others will see it too.