Feeling Alone and defeated

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Going anon as I have posted here before. I am wondering if anyone out there has experienced what I am going through.
Like a lot of people my age, mid 40s now, I was affected by the crash. Lost my job. Lost years of retirement savings. I'm the only child living in Ireland and single.
I moved home as my parents are getting on. I actually moved in home as I couldn't afford renting but I contribute.
Things are starting to look up on the home front. I'm finally out of negative equity, I am in a position to sell and buy here but I am having enormous anxiety.
I lived alone for years and really didn't like it too much after a while. One of my parents is quite ill and the thought of leaving them (even though I should be a short drive away) is breaking my heart. Its like I am afraid to go out on my own.
I have thoughts like 'what if 2008 happens again and I've no family support this time'? What if I don't meet anyone (I am female, I used to be more attractive but I've just let myself go and haven't made any effort). What if I lose my job and because I am now living in a smaller market, I won't be able to pay for a mortgage and retirement. My siblings are abroad, have families and leading good lives where I don't know where I am.
I know I am catastrophizing but it keeps me awake at night. I google ways to improve my life but I'm scared to start. I was never this fearful or anxious.
Normally I'd have my Christmas shopping done by now and plans made but I can't even bring myself to think about it.
Has anyone else felt this way?

Thank you for reading this.

LegacyUser

If you're happy living at home, stay living at home. Sounds like the most logical solution on every count.

Kidchameleon

Hi OP,


How about you sell your house abroad and buy your own place here. Continue to live with the parents for the time being while renting your new place out to tenants. You say you are out of negative equity? Fair play, a bit of rent income will make you even more financially secure. With this solution you have the option of moving into your own place at anytime, giving you that sense of independence. Another idea would be to live primarily with the parents but spend a couple of nights a week at your own place.

You have let yourself go? Well then stop letting yourself go! Get out there and exercise, get a new rig out, make yourself feel good about yourself again. Be healthy. Read a good self help book.

I know, from your current perspective this may seem like too much work, like too much of a risk. But you have to grab life by the balls, you are in a position to make improvements, don't slip further into this rot.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the responses. I've coasted along the past 4 years and with my parent's illness reminding me that one day I'll be alone. I haven't been prioritising my life. Do you ever feel like you've been sleep walking and ignoring the reality of your situation? That is how I feel. I have no desire to meet friends or head out. Home has always been my safety blanket and one day that will be gone too. I see friends who are surrounded by their siblings and have large families and I've no one apart from my parents. It gets lonelier the older I get. I know I need to cop on and snap out of this rut I put myself in. I looked at myself in the mirror and I am looking exhausted. Thanks to all who have read this. If anyone else has felt this way, I would love to hear it as I feel so overwhelmed at times.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I absolutely get what you mean. The recession has been a shattering experience for lots of people, a lot of damage can't just be measured financially. I absolutely understand why you moved home for emotional as well as financial reasons.

However, you have done brilliantly to recover as well as you have and maybe you need to be kinder to yourself and see all you have achieved. I went through something very similar and it's hard to really explain the apathy that overtakes you (or did in my case). The only way I was able to drag myself out of it was by a continual series of small steps. For example, I trained for a marathon but really all I had to do at the start was go for a short(ish) run every day. The rest of the training programme didn't matter, I didn't think about the weeks ahead, I focused a simple daily goal I could achieve.

I try and break any issues I'm facing now into manageable pieces and go from there. You don't need to come up with big solutions straight away, just a minor solution that makes things a small bit better.

Believe me OP, you are not alone in how you feel. Good luck, and I hope you have peaceful Christmas and a happy new year.

YoungRogerian

The shaming of people who live at home is bonkers. I'm mid 30s and couldnt do the house-sharing thing any more. I also couldn't affford to rent alone. I am shy to a crippling degree around the opposite sex, so I will almost certainly remain single for the rest of my life. The house will eventually be mine anyway so what's the big deal. This assumption people make that people who move home have somehow lost in lifeis a bit condescending to say the least.

On your own situation I have just one piece of advice. Find your 'thing'. You might not know what that is, but there is something that we all have that if accessed can give you a new lease of life. Recently I made the difficult decision to give up on my dreams of being a psychotherapist. I had to reluctantly accept that while I am very good at 'helping' people, I don't have the mental strength to cope with all the personal stuff that was triggered. I work in the public service and as I say I'm perpetually single. I'm 35 so at a stage where I really need purpose in my life. I was faced with the very real possibility of retiring in my late 60s from a job I can just about tolerate and realising I had very little to show for it. The meaning I had found in psychotherapy training was gone from my life and needed something to fil the void. At the start of October I had received very bad news about someone I cared about and was feeling really ****ty and was hitting the bottle a bit harder than usual. Then I had my eureka moment. I had always wanted to give stand up comedy a go but just never got around to it. That night I saw a Brendan Grace Documentary on TV and thought, feck it, I'm going to try this. A week later I did my first open mic and two months later, I am completely hooked. Comedy has put a pep back in my step. I'm not saying try stand up or anything specific like that but there must be something, a hobby , a group, something that gives you that extra motivation to put one foot in front of the other. Be gentle on yourself while you are figuring out what that something is, but we all need that something that saves us from ourselves so to speak.

LegacyUser

Again thanks to all who have read my posts and gave excellent advice.
Christmas SUCKED this year but I'm sitting here reading online to give me ideas as to how to change my situation for the better.
Breaking things down into manageable chunks is great advice. I think way too far ahead and imagine the worst outcomes.
I've been drinking too much which is creating a cycle of depression so I'm kicking that!
I watched a TEDx Talk by Mel Robbins, I think its stop sabotaging yourself. It gave me a boost too. I'm going to listen/watch a motivational video or clip daily. I'm going to grab 2019 by the b*lls, get out of this rut and change my life. I'm scared and excited at the same time. If anyone could recommend a motivational speaker/speech, I'd be thrilled. Happy New Year all x

joeguevara

It’s great that you are feeling positive. If I have one bit of advice is to stop thinking about grabbing 2019 by the ba1ls. Everything that you want is a slow burner and if you go gung ho it will deflate you if things don’t happen or if you get a setback. You will get everything you want if you have a plan and keep trying.

You will be the best motivational speaker for yourself. Everyday keep telling yourself that you are doing the best that you can. Believe in yourself. Sometimes with motivational speakers they feel great but when you have a setback they can make you feel inferior in that you didn’t succeed even after you followed their advice. They don’t know you.

YoungRogerian

I second what Joe is saying about not putting pressure on yourself. If what you want to achieve naturally kicks into gear from early January then great. If it doesn't, you haven't failed. The reality is March 3rd, or April 25th, or July 9th or any random date you choose are as good to start as today is. In fact, a lot of people find January a really weird time. If you have a weight related goal, you have the problem of a lot of excess Christmas food still around etc. People find it hard to adjust back to normality after Christmas, etc. So if you want to go hell for leather at your goals from today then great. Be kind to yourself if you can't manage it though.

YoungRogerian

Also with Joe totally on the motivational speakers. You know what 90% of these motivational speakers and 'self help' gurus have in common? They could not care less about you or anyone else. They just want you to by tickets to their seminars and buy their books. There are honourable exceptions of course and if you do get benefits from watching these things, then great. I won't discourage you, but what these people thrive on is telling you stuff you sub-consciously know anyway. Regardless off whether you tell it to yourself or hear it from these motivational speakers, you won't be able to implement any of it until you are ready. No one can make the first step but you and no one should judge you for when you make that first step. As Joe says, if you hit a setback, you can feel inferior if you put too much stock in what these people say. If you however, realise that this is a process and only you can do it, then you can give yourself the freedom to have setbacks. You will have setbacks! You're only human. The point is, you know stuff has to change. That in itself is a good starting point. The next bit is drawing up concrete and WORKABLE plans, then committing to do it. Even after committing and beginning to implement the plan, even as you make progress, there will be bumps on the road. Think of these as natural obstacles to overcome. Best of luck.

Bobtheman

YoungRogerian wrote: »

The shaming of people who live at home is bonkers. I'm mid 30s and couldnt do the house-sharing thing any more. I also couldn't affford to rent alone. I am shy to a crippling degree around the opposite sex, so I will almost certainly remain single for the rest of my life. The house will eventually be mine anyway so what's the big deal. This assumption people make that people who move home have somehow lost in lifeis a bit condescending to say the least.

On your own situation I have just one piece of advice. Find your 'thing'. You might not know what that is, but there is something that we all have that if accessed can give you a new lease of life. Recently I made the difficult decision to give up on my dreams of being a psychotherapist. I had to reluctantly accept that while I am very good at 'helping' people, I don't have the mental strength to cope with all the personal stuff that was triggered. I work in the public service and as I say I'm perpetually single. I'm 35 so at a stage where I really need purpose in my life. I was faced with the very real possibility of retiring in my late 60s from a job I can just about tolerate and realising I had very little to show for it. The meaning I had found in psychotherapy training was gone from my life and needed something to fil the void. At the start of October I had received very bad news about someone I cared about and was feeling really ****ty and was hitting the bottle a bit harder than usual. Then I had my eureka moment. I had always wanted to give stand up comedy a go but just never got around to it. That night I saw a Brendan Grace Documentary on TV and thought, feck it, I'm going to try this. A week later I did my first open mic and two months later, I am completely hooked. Comedy has put a pep back in my step. I'm not saying try stand up or anything specific like that but there must be something, a hobby , a group, something that gives you that extra motivation to put one foot in front of the other. Be gentle on yourself while you are figuring out what that something is, but we all need that something that saves us from ourselves so to speak.

I think you-Young Rogerian are hard on yourself. Single the rest of your life? What are you doing to address that issue ? There must be equally shy women out there. Im not having a go just taken by that statement.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I read your post and empathise in so many ways with what you're saying. I'm in a very similar situation. I am 39, single, and like you have my own house about an hour away from 'home' but mostly live at home with my mum. I was a carer for my dad for 10 years until he died in the summer, which was devastating. I very much put my own life aside while daddy was sick (although I am glad that I got to spend that time to help him through his last years) and know exactly how you feel when you say you're heartbroken at the thought of leaving your parents. Like you, I am the only sibling in Ireland and wouldn't be able to bear the thought of leaving my recently widowed mum on her own.

I don't have much advice for you except to say be kind to yourself, you have come through a lot and are a kind, loving and decent person, it shines through from the way you talk about your parents. You say you have let yourself go a bit (another similarity with me!) - well, like another poster said, take it in small steps, a little extra healthy habit each week - I am trying things like drinking more water, eating a bit more veg, cutting down on the drinking (hard I know when you're feeling down)... these all help. Baby steps and be kind to yourself.

I absolutely understand the anxiety you're feeling. Would you consider seeing a counsellor about dealing with these? I also struggle with overwhelm and catastrophising but am trying to be mindful and find one small thing to be grateful for in each moment.

Sorry I can't be of more help but your situation touched me and I wish you all the best, you will get through this, you seem like a lovely person, you will prevail. xx

LegacyUser

Thank you 'In a similar boat' your post made me well up. Its comforting to know I am not the only one.
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I do dread the day but like you I feel comfort knowing I am doing all I can to help them.
New Year's Day, I drove my parents into town to see the Christmas lights as they hadn't been out after dark in months.
I couldn't help but feel sad that it was them that used to do that for me when I was a child.
The anxiety is less now I am back to work but I have so much to tackle in my own life that its overwhelming.
I am easing my way into 2019 and going to take things on one at a time.
I hope you got through Christmas and New Years with some smiles...
Thank you again

LegacyUser

Hi OP. You're absolutely not the only one. There are so many people out there who are in the same situation as us both. It's good that you're putting it into words.

Thank you for your condolences. I have no regrets about the time I spent with dad and you won't either with your parents. It's really good that you're spending this time with them and doing things for them. I know how you feel when you talk about going to see the Christmas lights - it's nearly like as they get older and more infirm, our parents become our children (I don't mean to sound patronising or anything, just like we're kinda responsible for them now) and it is heartbreaking to watch them become less independent. Especially when you're the only child left in the country and the one at home, it definitely falls on your shoulders.

One thing I am sure of, though, is that our parents would not wish us to subjugate our lives for them. They love us and want the best for us and I'm sure your parents want you to have a great life for yourself whilst appreciating your support being there for them. This is the tricky thing - having your own life while making time for them. It's a fine balance. It's great you have so much love and time for your parents but you have to make time for your own needs and wants too. Believe me from experience, when the time comes, you will have nothing to feel bad about in your care for them but it would be good if you are in a good place yourself.

I'm glad you're feeling less anxious now that you're back to work and I hope things continue to improve for you. Please keep posting here if it helps you, there are people here who understand.

Happy new year OP xx

JJayoo

I hope things turn around for you, I stopped reading after a few of your posts, some were hitting a bit close too home

bilbot79

Feeling Alone wrote: »

Hi all,

Going anon as I have posted here before. I am wondering if anyone out there has experienced what I am going through.
Like a lot of people my age, mid 40s now, I was affected by the crash. Lost my job. Lost years of retirement savings. I'm the only child living in Ireland and single.
I moved home as my parents are getting on. I actually moved in home as I couldn't afford renting but I contribute.
Things are starting to look up on the home front. I'm finally out of negative equity, I am in a position to sell and buy here but I am having enormous anxiety.
I lived alone for years and really didn't like it too much after a while. One of my parents is quite ill and the thought of leaving them (even though I should be a short drive away) is breaking my heart. Its like I am afraid to go out on my own.
I have thoughts like 'what if 2008 happens again and I've no family support this time'? What if I don't meet anyone (I am female, I used to be more attractive but I've just let myself go and haven't made any effort). What if I lose my job and because I am now living in a smaller market, I won't be able to pay for a mortgage and retirement. My siblings are abroad, have families and leading good lives where I don't know where I am.
I know I am catastrophizing but it keeps me awake at night. I google ways to improve my life but I'm scared to start. I was never this fearful or anxious.
Normally I'd have my Christmas shopping done by now and plans made but I can't even bring myself to think about it.
Has anyone else felt this way?

Thank you for reading this.

If you plan to live within your means and stress test your mortgage there is no issue

LegacyUser

Thanks again for everyone's encouragement. 'In a Similar Boat' thank you so much again. Your posts give me so much reassurance. I hear what you say about us having to take care of our parents. I know mine would be horrified at the thought but the reality is that we are.
I was looking after Dad this weekend and he told me if he was on his own, he'd have to go into a home. It broke my heart thinking he believes that.

I am struggling this January. I barely left the house this weekend. I just couldn't face anything. I've so much stuff to get organized and I know if I don't tackle it, I'll end up worse off. I know I'm the only person who can do this and make the changes but its so hard.

BBFAN

Feeling Alone wrote: »

Thanks again for everyone's encouragement. 'In a Similar Boat' thank you so much again. Your posts give me so much reassurance. I hear what you say about us having to take care of our parents. I know mine would be horrified at the thought but the reality is that we are.
I was looking after Dad this weekend and he told me if he was on his own, he'd have to go into a home. It broke my heart thinking he believes that.

I am struggling this January. I barely left the house this weekend. I just couldn't face anything. I've so much stuff to get organized and I know if I don't tackle it, I'll end up worse off. I know I'm the only person who can do this and make the changes but its so hard.

Hi OP, I have in the past suffered depression and it sounds like what you're going through.

The likes of not being able to tackle tasks is all part of it.

What I found useful though was making a written list of what had to be done in order of priority and doing them in that order and ticking them off.

Even if you don't do them all it's satisfying to see them being ticked off.

Also, if you have to ring anyone do it early in the day, it's the best time. And stand up to make awkward phone calls.

Hope these little tips help.

John368

Feeling Alone wrote: »

I am struggling this January. I barely left the house this weekend. I just couldn't face anything. I've so much stuff to get organized and I know if I don't tackle it, I'll end up worse off. I know I'm the only person who can do this and make the changes but its so hard.

BBFAN gave you a good suggestion that worked for them and it might very well work for you.

What works for me when I am feeling that I cannot do anything is to think of the things I want to get done and do them in 10 minute chunks. Say I want to clean a cupboard, tidy my bedroom and renew my car insurance. If it is say 7:00pm, I write down on a scrap of paper the following:

7:00 - clean cupboard
7:10 - tidy bedroom
7: 20 - car insurance
7:30 - clean cupboard
7:40 - tidy bedroom
7: 50 - car insurance

I spend 10 minutes and only ten minutes on each task at any one time. When I do this I am always amazed at how quickly an hour goes in and at how much I got done in just one hour. I might not finish every task in the hour, but it lifts any depression and anxiety I have about the tasks and they get finished either later in the day or soon after that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling in January, it is a hard enough month for many people. I think the advice being given here by previous posters with regard to feeling not able to deal with tasks is really good. I think breaking down time into manageable bites, with tasks to work on, would be really helpful. Also the suggestion of standing up to make a phonecall - I hear that! - I also go outside and stand in some fresh air for difficult phonecalls because I am a total wuss when it comes to them; it all helps. Little things like this all help to get your head in the right place.

A previous poster also mentioned possible depression, would you think of talking to your GP about this to see if they could suggest anything? I know I did and he offered me antidepressants which I wasn't keen on, but I got referred to counselling which really helped, particularly in the aftermath of daddy's death. There is nothing wrong with being brave enough to ask for help when you need it!

I feel for you with your dad saying he would go into a home. Mum said to me recently that she was thinking about going into a fold (we're in NI, not sure if there are folds in ROI but they are basically sheltered housing for people who have disabilities/are on their own and need care). That broke my heart too. I love my mum, I want to care for her and help her live a good life but at the same time I want and deserve to have my own life, as you absolutely do too. It is not easy.

Sorry I can't be much practical help but I hope you know that you're not alone in feeling the way you feel. Take care and keep talking to us x

Geminigal

Hi there in relation to self help/motivational work here are a few I found amazing :

- Melissa ambrosini she has a book called silencing your inner mean girl
- brene brown lots of books and YouTube stuff Ted talk too
- Oprah Winfrey podcasts super soul Sunday I think they are called
- Fearne cotton has a podcast called happy place
- Russell brand has a book called recovery... Its excellent. Talks about recovery from addiction but also recovery from life.

Best of luck and I hope one or all of them helps.

Meditation and gratitude are very good tools for connecting back in with yourself. Most of us are disconnected from ourselves and craving connection from external sources when really we need to connect internally. It's a slow process but a very worthwhile one.

Take care x